Jump to content

Pregnant and heartbreak


Recommended Posts

Not used this before so here goes.

Known my now ex 16 years, how we got together was not forced and a fairytale. Neither of us wanted to rush it or mess it up so we decided to be non exclusive as weren't ready to commit 100% but saw a future together. This went on for too long in the end, I see that now, I was very anxious about the relationship label as knew it meant everything with him and he was what I wanted for ever. We werent perfect like any relationship, I am high maintenance and a moaner and I did mess him about a couple times saying about being exclusive when I thought I was ready when I wasn't, but like any issue we spoke about it and dealt with it, as if he did something vise versa.

I have pcos and was told I would not be able to conceive naturally, which ofc we both knew nothing is impossible and had both said if we fell pregnant naturally we'd be happy, it's something I've always wanted and with how long we've known each other and the way we got together, he knows me in and out. Unfortunately when I fell pregnant (which was a massive shock and stress for both of us) he did not handle it well at all, was very against it and decided to tel me Al these issues he had towards me and made it out like our relationship was at brink of ending(a complete shock to me) this did not help along with me being pregnant and morning sickness.. he was very stressed about his life and he seemed to switch personalities and forget my views and who I am as a person all together. We had multiple convos about an abortion (which I felt very uncomfortable about considering it was amazing I was even pregnant) I even had a phone consult to a clinic,  but this of course was not enough to him or his parents because I didn't actually go ahead with the abortion (the impression I've been given) since the start his parents have been very concerned about him and his stress and feeling and not once have supported me or asked how I am (I've known them just as long as him, they're like family) I literally felt like being pregnant was ruining his life, like we were reckless teenagers and i was just a stupid one night stand (were both 25, and back then I could not have fallen pregnant with anyone better) this went on for months with me taking responsibility for how I made him feel with the issues he said I had, and tried to help him in anyway possible with constant rejection and horrible comments, but it takes 2 to get pregnant and it takes 2 to help a relationship.

Months went past and things only got worse, until I was pushed to end the relationship start of December, I thought that's what he wanted but he chose to continue hurting and messing me about with constant empty apologies and excuses left right and centre , I even gave him multiple chances to help our relationship. In the end I had no choice but to block him as I had been stressing for 4 months and worrying which was not healthy for me and baby. Its been the worst time of my life, I do believe I did damage myself which affected him, things I hate about myself and have been working on for a while now, but I tried and it wasn't good enough, and when we broke up that wasn't good enough either, he is also my neighbor which is making my life a living he'll at the moment.. I feel I'm not just heartbroken to my bf I only was with 9 months, its my bestfirned of 16 years and his parents, I've loved them all for years and the fact they live next door makes everything a lot harder. Regardless of us, I also told him I would never stop him from being a part of the babies life if he chooses too. There's a lot more to it, but there ya go. Just wanting some advice on what I should do, am I being fair, do I keep chasing or do I just move on? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your focus needs to be on keeping yourself healthy so you have a healthy baby. Interacting with this man is causing you stress and upset, both of which are bad for the baby.

I suggest proceeding as though you two will not reconcile or be together. Setup a child support and custody schedule filed in court with an attorney or paralegal. Do not assume he'll step up or pay what's fair and don't make not upsetting him your priority. Your priority needs to be making sure your child has everything he or she needs.

I'm sorry, I know this is upsetting, especially when your child is an extra miracle (all children are miracles, yours is just an extra special gift). I too became pregnant by a man who didn't want the baby and who walked away from me, so I understand a bit what you're going through.

Edited by boltnrun
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

39 minutes ago, Milaewan said:

 Unfortunately when I fell pregnant he did not handle it well at all, was very against it. We had multiple convos about an abortion. I didn't actually go ahead with the abortion. In the end I had no choice but to block him as I had been stressing for 4 months and worrying which was not healthy for me and baby.

Sorry this happened. You are now 25 but were friends16 years? But dating 9 mos? 

Do you both live with your parents? Do you both work? 

You can not stop him from being involved in the child, it's his right legally.  He doesn't nee your permission.

He must also pay child support, which you are responsible for going to the courts and procuring for the child.

 Unfortunately you hoped to become a happy family but this is simply too much too soon.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for the response.

Yes it was quick and not planned, but we should've been able to make it work, we are hardly strangers. I know, I would never stop him if he wanted to be involved. It's not so much of thinking of it as a happy family, I just didn't expect to be so let down by him and his family and recieve no support. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you boltnrun for the response.

That's where my head is at, I agree. I've not thought about child support yet as I do worry about how he feels and its very hard to separate my feelings , I  worry about losing bad asking for money too. Yeah it's not nice and a massive struggle everyday  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, Milaewan said:

I just didn't expect to be so let down by him and his family and recieve no support. 

Yes, he seems like a coward who would not stand by you. Try to focus on practicalities such as support from your own friends and family, finances, doctor's visits, prenatal care, and setting up a place in your life and home for a child. 

What is a blessing for you, it is not for him and his family. Unfortunately you only dated months before the preganacy happened and he and his family know you two vehemently disagreed on this issue. It's unrealistic to expect their support.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

44 minutes ago, Milaewan said:

Thank you boltnrun for the response.

That's where my head is at, I agree. I've not thought about child support yet as I do worry about how he feels and its very hard to separate my feelings , I  worry about losing bad asking for money too. Yeah it's not nice and a massive struggle everyday  

This is not money for you. This is money for your baby to eat, to have clothing to wear, to have diapers and to have medical care. Do you want your baby to go without those things just because you don't want to make this guy mad at you?

And what kind of man would he be if he resents you for wanting your child to have the necessary basics? Do you think he'd want the baby to go hungry or without diapers?

Please take care of this asap. If he gets mad at you, too bad. He helped create this baby and he needs to do his part to provide for him or her.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Milaewan said:

and its very hard to separate my feelings

Yes, especially as a parent we're asked to separate our feelings from reality constantly and to focus on the latter -get the job done because it's in the best interests of our child.  If you have to fake it till you make it you do that -for your growing baby.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stop chasing. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though he really ever wanted a committed relationship with you, let alone a child together. Knowing each other for 16 years doesn't mean anything in terms of being able to raise a baby with each other. The goalposts have changed completely and his true colours are showing. 

It is clear he does not want this relationship. You need to consult a good lawyer who can assist you in arranging custody/visitation, and child support. Put your focus there rather than on chasing a dead-end relationship. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Milaewan said:

 I've not thought about child support yet as I do worry about how he feels.

After the child is born, all you need to do is file for child support in the courts on the child's behalf. A child is a minor, therefore you as the parent must file,as it's the child's right. You don't need attorneys for this.

As far as custody and visitation, you don't need an attorney for that either. If he wishes to have visitation and custody he can pursue that.

The focus now is on your health and well-being. Especially enlisting the help of your own people. Part of your prenatal care will involve testing for STDs since you refused to use condoms for whatever reason.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all just like the other people say focus on your health.

About the guy who freak out about pregnancy. Well this can happen to many men but after some time couple hours maybe days. If a men loves a women enough that men will do everything my dear.

In the past I have had girlfriends if some of them come and told me that she is carrying my child I would freak out too and even dont want to baby.

There were also other type of women in my life that if she says the same thing all I would say "Oke lets get married" and thats it. Surely I will freak out but probably from hapiness.

Its all about how we see the women in front us its all about how much we love. Men are not complicated as women most of the time we are like simple machines. We either love soo much and die for the women or we just dont see a future or maybe we tell ourselves that we can find better.

In your case maybe he loves you but according to what you wrote it looks like that was not enough because if it is now he would be eagerly waiting beside you.

Sorry is these words break your hearth I have no intention but plain truth always better than making assumtions. I am a men too and I know how I would have react in this kind of situation. I am a men who takes extra extra precautions during sex but there is one women in my life that when I am with her I almost do nothing. I dont actively seek to get her pregnant but I know that I am fully %100 ready to have her in my life forever because I dream that women to be the mother of my children.

Thats what happens when a men crazy in love not something like "Lets take it slow" etc etc this is love this is relationship there is no planning it cause when its true it usually so crazy that no plan can last for more than couple days. A women may plan to take it slow and still be crazy in love but most of the time when men does these things its never a good sign.

Womens are more emotional compared to men thats why when it comes to intense emotions you know how to control them. Men are not like this we dont like intense emotions and we dont know how to control them when we were angry what we do we fight when we are in love what we do we do crazy stuff when we want money what we do we work nonstop. We are simple please stop trying putting this much effort understanding us.

We are what we are mostly what we do or say is pretty much the exact reality.

So to sum it up stop blaming yourself it was not you it was him not loving you enough and thats it. What to next well let him see the baby not because he has right to do but because baby needs it too and find a men who will love you soo much that instead of freaking out and blaming you he will hold your hand and you go to church to marry because thats would a loving men would do.

Edited by Caesar45
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone. All really helpful advice and ofc I want to do what's best for my child. I don't entirely agree with everything said , just because I know the ins and outs, but appreciate advice regardless. 

I've heard of people struggling to get into a relationship for years after a bad break up, makes me curious, are you in pain for that long?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

53 minutes ago, Milaewan said:

Thank you everyone. All really helpful advice and ofc I want to do what's best for my child. I don't entirely agree with everything said , just because I know the ins and outs, but appreciate advice regardless. 

I've heard of people struggling to get into a relationship for years after a bad break up, makes me curious, are you in pain for that long?

Some are some aren't. I was not.  Others were - it's so individual depends on so many circumstances.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...