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Keep on dating while she doesn't know what she wants or end it?


Pikachu
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Hi everyone,

 

a few months ago I (M-31) met a girl (26-F) in a club. We started texting afterwards and went out in the beginning of december. We started to hang out casual once or twice a week and she always slept over (and had sex). She is still a student and lives with her mom. I'm renting a place and working for 9 years. 
 

So things are getting a bit more serious lately, but she keeps on telling that she has commitment issues and doesn't really knows what she wants in live. I for instance really want to have children, she can't picture herself ever having children (at this moment in her life, that could always change in the future). So right now I don't know what to do,  I already have feelings for her. But if she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want children, I don't want do "waste" my time waiting on her for her mind to change. I think it will also hold me back to fully commit in a relationship with her.. On the other hand, I get along with her very well and don't want to hurt her feelings. We already talked about this and she understands how I'm feeling. But we haven't made a conclusion whether to keep on dating or ending it right now.

Right now it's a bit of a struggle between the head of the heart.

 

Thanks in advance for the advice.

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6 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

Hi everyone,

 

a few months ago I (M-31) met a girl (26-F) in a club. We started texting afterwards and went out in the beginning of december. 

It's been a less than 2 months.  What's the rush?  It takes at least 6 months before you really know the real person. (texting doesn't count) 

Can you invest a couple more months in this and see if it grows?

Live in the moment and let things develop organically.  Don't push someone who obviously needs to time to figure out if this is something she wants to plan her entire life around.

Edited by reinventmyself
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If this is what she is telling you now tell her if she ever changes her mind about whether she sees herself committing to you (or sees serious potential) and if she ever determines she does want children she can contact you then and if you're still interested and available you can meet up.

Since she is not sure she wants a child or to commit what is her plan should she become pregnant?

When I was 26 I was a grad student living with my parents.  I knew I wanted marriage and family.  

Edited by Batya33
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12 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

So don't keep seeing her and getting more attached because this has disaster written all over it. A painful one for the both of you.

Yeah, I think you should end it now before you get hurt. I think this is a good way to do it, if you agree:

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

tell her if she ever changes her mind about whether she sees herself committing to you (or sees serious potential) and if she ever determines she does want children she can contact you then and if you're still interested and available you can meet up.

However you do it, don't be wishy-washy. You have to be firm or else it's pointless.

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You don't want to hurt her feelings?  You've only been dating about 6 weeks.  Things are only getting started... I wouldn't want some guy whom I just started dating to thrown such pressures like that on me.

Maybe within 6 months to a year - but I get it, you know what you want & are ready for.

So, stop worrying about hurting someone's feelings.  It's life!  I doubt she's got enough feeling as of yet anyways, being less than 2 mos at this time...

So, figure it out.  If this is not a fit for you, admit it.  And consider moving on.

 

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If you really want to commit, no. For example are you willing to wait couple of years while she, I dunno, finishes studies and finds some job? Is she gona be willing to commit after some time? Change her stance on such a big issue as children? That is way too uncertain thing. OK, first couple of months are suppose to be fun, but what after? Relationships are harder even without added obstacles. And yours are pretty big. 

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I don't think discussing general life goals is pressure at all. Specifically I wouldn't bring up marriage/kids in only 2 months of dating (that's just me) but when I was dating I wanted to know within the first couple of dates if our life goals aligned and that included marriage and children. I met men who would tell me in the first few dates they were strongly considering moving abroad within the year, for example, or that they didn't see marriage in the cards (to anyone) for several years, etc.  

Most people who see any kind of serious potential in someone they are dating will not sabotage it by discussing commitment issues -also because people with commitment issues can find they have none when they meet someone and see serious potential.  People who do not want to have children often make that clear within the first few dates if they believe the person they are dating might want them.  But people who are not sure might not -because they don't want to sabotage a new dating relationship -they are not lying by omission -they simply might believe that they would want children with the right person.

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Things are getting serious FOR YOU, not her. She's putting on the brakes bud. She's not interested in what you want. Good time as any to just cut your losses. You two are at different stages in life. She won't want kids and marriage until another 6 years. 

Edited by smackie9
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It's better to find out now rather than say 6 months down the road when you propose to her. This happened to a GF of mine....she dumped the guy on the spot. She's like in her early 50's now and she's still not interested in marriage or kids. She's drop dead gorgeous too. 

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On 1/31/2022 at 8:50 AM, Pikachu said:

Hi everyone,

 

a few months ago I (M-31) met a girl (26-F) in a club. We started texting afterwards and went out in the beginning of december. We started to hang out casual once or twice a week and she always slept over (and had sex). She is still a student and lives with her mom. I'm renting a place and working for 9 years. 
 

So things are getting a bit more serious lately, but she keeps on telling that she has commitment issues and doesn't really knows what she wants in live. I for instance really want to have children, she can't picture herself ever having children (at this moment in her life, that could always change in the future). So right now I don't know what to do,  I already have feelings for her. But if she doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want children, I don't want do "waste" my time waiting on her for her mind to change. I think it will also hold me back to fully commit in a relationship with her.. On the other hand, I get along with her very well and don't want to hurt her feelings. We already talked about this and she understands how I'm feeling. But we haven't made a conclusion whether to keep on dating or ending it right now.

Right now it's a bit of a struggle between the head of the heart.

 

Thanks in advance for the advice.

I would say wait and see except that you seem far too involved and emotionally attached to take a step back. She’s not what you’re looking for so end it and see others. 

This might be a good opportunity for you to take note about overall compatibility and be more firm with yourself when you know someone isn’t the right fit for you. 

It’s difficult to believe she’d be hurt by you being honest. Disappointed perhaps. The worst thing you could do is linger on pretending you’re into this and living a lie.

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I understand you feel more compatible with her and I hope she she feels the same. Give it some more time to know here and believe me texting is not counted. Now come to advice part take some more but this not that seriously. She has already mentioned about the commitment part. If this works out very well otherwise you will still be friends.

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The whole point of dating is to learn whether someone is a good match for you.

The problem is, if you're anything like me, you can't get sexual without falling in love.

The problem with falling in love prematurely is that it's difficult to 'see' beyond your own emotions.

So you skipped the vetting process and went straight into bonding, and that's why telling you what I'd do might sound pretty tough--but I think you'd thank yourself later.

I'd tell her that I adore her but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. She gets to sort out her own stuff, and if she ever decides that she's relationship material she can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you'll meet to catch up.

If that ever happens, you can sort out the issue of aligning future goals--or not.

This allows you to exit without fear of shutting down any smidge of potential that might have been there. If potential really exists, you'll meet one another on higher ground. If not, you're free to move forward to find your RIGHT match.

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