Message her or not? Thank you!

[Walldove]

So I (23Male) started dating a girl (22Female) early 2021. We are from the same hometown, met through a (sort of) mutual friend and started dating during Covid (no dinners, party's or activities). We hit it off in the beginning and it went well!

Unfortunately we started dating too serious too soon. The effect of that was that I wasn't able to be my energetic and funny self (I was too serious and not my funny self).

After dating for a while, she really wanted to fall in love with me (her words were: I really want to fall in love with you, you are such a good person, you look so good, I really like you and you really stand for all the values that I stand for as well!). But she also told me that she wasn't feeling the true spark after 6 or 7 dates and normally she would feel that spark after that time. She was thinking so much about why she wasn't falling in love with me that it stressed her out a lot/too much. We agreed that it wasn't our time and we ended the dating. (After that, we had little contact and two weeks later she was texting me very drunk and asked her friends to call me because she needed my help when she was drunk, which was kinda cute and a good sign I guess).

So that was in the beginning of 2021. Beginning of september 2021 we went for a drink again and it was lots of fun. I decided to take it super slow because I didn't want to hurry it. We agreed to go for another drink. Due to circumstances (both new studies which was super busy) we didn't speak for a while and it took some time to schedule our new date. After a while (1,5 months) we had contact again and she told me that after that drink in the beginning of september she also wanted to explore it more because she also felt that it maybe was more than just friends but in the meantime she met someone new and started talking to that guy and it was against her values to also go on a date with me at the same time (which I wouldn't do myself either). 

Now, a few months later, what do I do? To be honest, I really want this to work out! I'm not a native English speaker so It's hard to tell the story correctly but she really is a person with a heart of pure gold and she has no bad intentions! I don't want to waste this oppurtunity. I don't know if she is still dating that guy but is it the time to send here a message, and if so, what shall I send her?

I want start dating her again and show here my energetic, crazy and funny side! I'm an attractive guy with enough attention from other girls but I first want to explore this opportunity further. How should I approach this? Any advice is very welcome!

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you should reach out again, actually. 

You two have tried a couple times and now and it's fizzled both occasions. It doesn't seem to be a match, and a woman who is really into you won't need a performance of your funny and crazy side. You can just be yourself and that will be enough.

In any event, it sounds like she has moved on. Best to leave this one be. 

 

[Lambert]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think you should reach out again, actually. 

You two have tried a couple times and now and it's fizzled both occasions. It doesn't seem to be a match, and a woman who is really into you won't need a performance of your funny and crazy side. You can just be yourself and that will be enough.

In any event, it sounds like she has moved on. Best to leave this one be. 

 

This bears repeating. Something didn't click with you guys a few times. Relationships that have multiple misfires like this never really pan out.  

You both circle each other because you don't have anyone else but now she is with someone else

Meet someone else, have a great life with someone that is sure of you. 

[Kwothe28]

Unfortunately, there is nothing to explore. She didnt "feel it" and she prioritizes other guys instead of you. Her drunk calls really dont mean anything in term that she would want anything to do with you. If she wanted it she would contact you for a date or anything more serious then drunk message. She is fine with you orbiting there. But not with serious commitment.

In situations like that, you shouldnt have to proritize her also. Meaning that you explore other options too. Because there is nothing you can do here. Unless you want to waste more time on somebody who is looking at you as no more then "reserve" option and maybe not even that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Walldove said:

We agreed that it wasn't our time and we ended the dating. . Beginning of september 2021 we went for a drink again and it was lots of fun. but in the meantime she met someone new and started talking to that guy

Sorry this happened. If she has a BF don't contact her.

Instead spread your wings and start dating other girls.

[smackie9]

It's a mismatch, move on. 

[DancingFool]

When a woman tells you that she doesn't feel the spark, what she is saying is that there is zero sexual attraction to you on her end. This has nothing to do with you being funny, crazy, energetic, etc., etc., etc. Sexual attraction is much more primal and when it's not there, it's not there.

Also, she already does like you on paper a lot so to speak. You look the way she likes, you have the things she likes but that critical element is missing. That's why she gave it 7 dates and why she told you that it was stressing her out - logically, she should be all into you. In practice, zero sexual attraction and giving it time wasn't helping.

Best to walk away and stop wasting time. While you are stuck on her, you are missing out on women who actually are fully into you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry but my thoughts are, she sees you as a temporary distraction until she gets a better offer.

In short, you're allowing her to run the show...so to speak, and it's time to stand up for yourself.

Keep in mind that it takes two to make this work, yet at this point you're standing alone.

[boltnrun]

Successful relationships don't result from one person trying to convince the other to date them. And it certainly shouldn't involve having to "audition" for the role of Boyfriend. Especially when there's someone else already in the running for the role that she's selected.

No, I do not recommend messaging her. I do recommend putting yourself out there to meet new women. Surely there are lots of attractive single women at your school.

[Andrina]

During a whole 7 dates, if you only showed her one side of your personality, doesn't that mean you really didn't feel comfortable to fully be yourself around her?

I do know how that feels. I briefly dated a guy who I totally thought had a really intelligent brain and he was so funny. I also thought he was attractive. I really couldn't get comfortable with him, however, and then that bothered him to feel that vibe. He was the one who dumped me, and in hindsight, with time and distance, I don't even know why it upset me as we were very incompatible in another major way.

With my future husband, I felt very comfortable right away, and learned over time we matched in all the important ways as well.

Hold out for that shared interest. No wishy washy comments and excuses. The right one will never set you free. Not even once.

 

[melancholy123]

I think you need to move on, there is not enough interest on either side.

[WildPump]

You will end up loosing a good friend if you read the signs. She clearly mentioned that she sees you as a good friend not more than that. Sometimes things won't work the way you want it. This is in your best interest to move on. Stay as a friend or loose her completly. I can realy see in your post how much u want it to work.

[catfeeder]

Nope. Hold out for the true simpatico that you deserve.

It's liberating to grasp that most people are NOT our match.

They may be fabulous people, but if they don't view you through the right lens, and you don't feel terrific and supported in being your true self with someone who 'gets you,' then this doesn't make them a villain--just not a good match for you.

Head high, consider ways to meet NEW people, move forward--and don't look back.