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Emotional Conversation with the love of my life... I'm still reeling.


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My ex and I were planning on getting married. We were together a long time. We split due to mental health issues back in August. Then we started talking again back in December.

I work overnight at a health club. So, my nights are spent pretty much by myself. Last night while I was wiping down equipment, I thought, "Wow... I really wish she would message me. It would be so nice to talk to her right now." Not even 2 seconds later, she messaged me.

She said she'd been watching this documentary about alternate universes, etc and was having some interesting thoughts about her life, etc. So we talked for a little bit about how Atoms resemble small Univereses, and what if that's what they are? What if the thing we call God is just one being that we are all cells of? And what if there are a lot of those beings so each one is a whole different Universe? Etc. These are the kinds of things we used to talk about all the time when we were together.  We've both had near-death experiences, etc. And then she said, "The only person I can talk to about this stuff is you." and then she added "We always think so much alike."

I told her that is something I miss, and that she was my best friend for so long.

Then she said she didn't want to get too deep because she's had a few drinks. I told her we don't have to talk about anything she doesn't want to talk about, ever. But then she started talking about how pissed she is at herself for leaving me, and she called herself a really unflattering name that rhymes with bunt. And she said she can never take it back.

I told her I still think she's an amazing person and I am grateful every day that she is in my life.

She said "I just don't know what happened to me. I really lost my mind for a while."

I said, "I know you did. I felt it."

She said, "I really am truly sorry."

I said, "There's so much I want to say, but I don't know..." Then added, "It's not anything bad."

She said, "I know, there is so much left unsaid. Someday."

I said, "I still feel things, too."

She said, "I know you do."

I said, "To be honest, I think what we had is still worth fighting for. I think what happened had to happen to make us both better people."

She said, "You saying that makes me smile."

I said, "Do you agree?"

She said, "Right now I won't say because I'm tipsy." She told me she has learned not to talk about feelings while under the influence, and that's the only reason she's not saying if she agrees. Then there was some stuff about how we are both learning things about ourselves, etc.

And then she said, "I never told you I loved you without meaning it. I'll always love you. That's not gonna go away. I just can never take back past and sigh.... Idk. I'm still messed up. You're pretty admirable. You're such a great person."

Then she said, "I think I'm gonna lay down and watch a movie."

I said, "Hold on a minute, let me respond to that." And then I said, " I know neither of us can take back what happened. But like I said I think it needed to happen so we could be better for ourselves and for each other down the line. I still think we are each other's "one." I felt more "at home" with you than anyone else ever. I think we were meant to find each other. We both made bad decisions in the past. I know all that can be forgiven. I'm still messed up too. But at least we are both trying. I also think you are admirable. You are amazing in so many ways."

And then she said, "I'll always love you."

And after that we joked around a little and said our goodnights. We used to say "Happy nightmares" to each other instead of sweet dreams when we were together. Last night we said that to each other and called each other cute pet names.

So as of now, we are just going to be friends.  We still both have a lot to work on and heal from.  We talked again this morning and that's where things are.  But I think the seed has definitely been planted for more in the future.  I'm so in love with her.  It's obvious she is still in love with me.  There is just so much between us. 

What do you all think about this conversation?  Of course I have a personal bias because I love her. 

Edited by Cynder
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Obviously you have feelings for her and I hope she has same for you. The only thing I don't get is why you split up in the first place, is it because you were not well or coping with something. What if it happens again? Take that into consideration as well.     

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2 hours ago, WildPump said:

Obviously you have feelings for her and I hope she has same for you. The only thing I don't get is why you split up in the first place, is it because you were not well or coping with something. What if it happens again? Take that into consideration as well.     

We split up because she had a nervous breakdown.  Really tragic story.  

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23 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

To me, it seems pretty noncommittal on her side. I hope she is not breadcrumbing you.

Well when we talked this morning we both decided being single and just being friends is the best thing right now.  It sucks because we have feelings for each other.  We are just both messed up people who suck at relationships.  I'm sad about it but I'm also trying to see the positives.  I have my friend back.  I would rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all.  

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I agree with Jibralta.  I don't think a friendship is healthful for you since friends talk about who they are interested in romantically and involved with romantically.  I would not assume she is not going to date because she has feelings for you and  said she sucks at relationships.  Assume she is single and the world is her oyster.

From what you described of your feelings it doesn't sound like that would be comfortable for you to hear about (understatement).  The conversation reminded me of more than one I and many others I know have had with exes especially if one person was tipsy or drunk.

Edited by Batya33
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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Jibralta.  I don't think a friendship is healthful for you since friends talk about who they are interested in romantically and involved with romantically.  I would not assume she is not going to date because she has feelings for you and  said she sucks at relationships.  Assume she is single and the world is her oyster.

From what you described of your feelings it doesn't sound like that would be comfortable for you to hear about (understatement).  The conversation reminded me of more than one I and many others I know have had with exes especially if one person was tipsy or drunk.

Well, she actually told me she's not going to date anyone this morning.  She said right now she just wants to be single and focus on healing her issues, etc.  We had a pretty good conversation this morning too while she was sober. 

You're right though.  I wouldn't want to hear about that and I don't think she would either if roles were reversed.  I'm not interested in dating anyone right now either.  I told her she is the only person I would give another chance to.  I'm serious.  I think I'm probably done with relationships altogether at this point.  People suck and I'm tired of dealing with being cheated on, lied to, used, treated like a last resort, etc.  I know people will read this and think "Well you just haven't found the right person."  Well, I have, she is the right person.  But even aside from that, I see pretty much everyone being treated this way and treating people this way.  Not just me.  A lot of my friends have cheated on their SOs and been cheated on.  I know people who have babies by someone other than their man and keep it to themselves.  I've been hit on by so many married men and women.  And they all say the same crap.  "Well we're not happy." 

Most people are only with the person they are with because no one better has shown up.  It's sad but true.  No one has any loyalty anymore.  I live in the same house with a homewrecker who gets a kick out of messing up people's relationships.  She has even screwed the partners of some of her good friends. I have my suspicions about her and one of my exes, too.  (Not the ex this thread is about.)  

Idk... out of everyone she is the only person I've ever been with who I trusted.  She's the only one who wasn't constantly lying.  She's the only one who actually got and appreciated my sense of humor.  And she's the only one I've ever been able to sit up all night having a conversation with and never run out of things to say.  She's the only one who wasn't always finding something to complain about as far as how I look.  All my past relationships were with people who just always had to nitpick about something.  My hair isn't right.  My skin is too pale.  I'm too short.  I'm too tall.  (Yes I've gotten both of those complaints... I dated someone who was an inch shorter than me and couldn't deal with it.)  Idk...  she never made me feel like I wasn't good enough. 

I just don't understand how I could find someone who is everything I've ever wanted... and then mental health issues had to ruin it.  It's something I still get pissed about sometimes. But there is no one to blame. 

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11 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Well, she actually told me she's not going to date anyone this morning.  She said right now she just wants to be single and focus on healing her issues, etc.  We had a pretty good conversation this morning too while she was sober. 

Yes, that's today.  All can change if someone turns her head or if she changes her mind.  Assume that at any time.  I've had that happen to me seen it happen many many times to many people.  Assume that the world is her oyster and if you can't be her friend and supportive as she crushes on, pursues, or dates someone else then you cannot have a healthful friendship. You can have healthy polite interactions if you happen to run into each other of course.

It sounds like the benefit of being in contact with her right now outweighs the reeling feelings you have.  

Your description of why you think she was right for you depends so much on your past hurts and disappointments.  To me, anyway, that doesn't sound like a good way to choose a partner.  

Edited by Batya33
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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Your description of why you think she was right for you depends so much on your past hurts and disappointments.  To me, anyway, that doesn't sound like a good way to choose a partner.  

Well, our life experiences shape our opinions about things.  When all a person sees is people being nasty to each other that's all they know.  If all someone knows is people being mean, then they meet someone who isn't mean for once, that's going to have an impact. 

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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Well, our life experiences shape our opinions about things.  When all a person sees is people being nasty to each other that's all they know.  If all someone knows is people being mean, then they meet someone who isn't mean for once, that's going to have an impact. 

Partly. Partly people make choices to react to their experiences.  I don't subscribe to the notion that people are passive sheep unable to make different choices, think for themselves.  Lots of stuff has an impact. 

So? Some stuff has more of an impact than other stuff.  But we're so fortunate to have the ability to have certain feelings yet choose a reaction to feelings - choices of reactions. To do the work on our own or with resources to choose reactions.

So you lauding this woman in comparison to what you describe as horrible experiences with people doesn't sound like you think she's all that -she's just all that in comparison to the bottom of the barrel experiences you say you've had.  And often -not saying with you or she - people who know their partner chose them with that kind of standard might be really uncomfortable being adored for those reasons.  Even if it's not expressed, it's expressed indirectly.

I know of many people who had horrible experiences and decided not to let those experiences shape them.  My dad was one of those people.  Was as he passed away 5 years ago.  And when he had his mental illness so little was known and it was so stigmatized which made it even worse.  But he made choices to have a life he could be proud of, a family, a 60 plus year marriage, a successful career he worked so hard to achieve and excel at.  It was so very hard being the daughter of a dad with mental illness and of course it impacted me.  And my choices. 

But I saw how my father rose above it and I made similar choices.  I'm not trying to compare "who had it harder me or you" -that's irrelevant -just my underlying point that as an adult it's not all you know.  It's all you choose to know.  Make a different choice?

JMHO. Not sayin I'm right just sharing my perspective as a middle aged person who's seen and been through more than her share!

Edited by Batya33
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11 hours ago, Cynder said:

If all someone knows is people being mean, then they meet someone who isn't mean for once, that's going to have an impact. 

Yes, absolutely. 

Now, if you'd always been surrounded by people who were kind and supportive towards each other, what would be your impression of Z's behavior?

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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, absolutely. 

Now, if you'd always been surrounded by people who were kind and supportive towards each other, what would be your impression of Z's behavior?

It's so hard for me to answer that question because kind supportive people are such a rare breed.  I'm not trying to argue.  It really is just hard for me to imagine that because of what I've been exposed to. 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Cynder said:

It really is just hard for me to imagine that because of what I've been exposed to. 

Yes, exactly. So in this one way, you lack perspective. From your position, from your experience thus far, she looks like a shining tower of light. 

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

kind supportive people are such a rare breed. 

Yes and no. When you're used to being treated badly, it's hard to trust other people. I remember going through that myself, in my early 30s. I was making friends with really interesting people--nice people--in my graduate school. And I found it very difficult to trust their motives. But I made the effort because I was sick of the alternative. Almost 15 years later (holy sht), they are still nice people. Are they perfect? No. Do they each have shortcomings? Hell yeah. But they are still head and shoulders better than some of the other people I used to hang out with. Thinking back, I remember how I thought, but I don't relate to that mentality anymore. And I'm glad. I really thought everyone was dysfunctional, that people needed drama for some reason, and I was worried that there would be no one to like me if I wasn't dysfunctional too. But I said fck it and decided to leave that all behind anyway. Turns out there's way more out there than lousy, disappointing people.

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7 hours ago, Cynder said:

It's so hard for me to answer that question because kind supportive people are such a rare breed.  I'm not trying to argue.  It really is just hard for me to imagine that because of what I've been exposed to. 

 

 

But it's not "what you've been exposed to" past the time when you had no control over exposure - of course kids get exposed to situations and people and environments they did not choose and over which they have no control.  All of that can have positive, negative, neutral impacts.  But then even as a teen you gain control of what you expose yourself to, and when and how.  As an adult even more.  Then there's no need to imagine.  You can control the reactions to your feelings of distrust and suspicion if you choose and you can choose boundaries, you can choose what you participate in, what you put in your body and what you do not.  

About an hour ago a woman said hi to me as I quickly walked by with my shopping cart and groceries.  I realized as I passed she was probably the same woman who "ghosted" me years ago after we'd begun to be friends over a period of a year or two.  I'd run into her after she ghosted, made the dumb choice of contacting her and got some flaky lame response. 

So today -as an adult - I returned her hi with a polite hi and kept walking, fast. I didn't stop to chat, and if she reaches out to me and wants to start up a friendship I'll consider it then.  But that's an example -she treated me disrespectfully, thoughtlessly, I am an adult, I don't need to waste my time and risk my son's ice cream melting to chat with someone who treated me in that way. 

Had I been 7 years old with my mom and she wanted me to stop and talk to so and so who was rude to me I likely would have had no choice. It's really that simple.  Jibralta I think gave an even better example.  

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On 1/31/2022 at 6:31 PM, Batya33 said:

Partly. Partly people make choices to react to their experiences.  I don't subscribe to the notion that people are passive sheep unable to make different choices, think for themselves.  Lots of stuff has an impact. 

So? Some stuff has more of an impact than other stuff.  But we're so fortunate to have the ability to have certain feelings yet choose a reaction to feelings - choices of reactions. To do the work on our own or with resources to choose reactions.

So you lauding this woman in comparison to what you describe as horrible experiences with people doesn't sound like you think she's all that -she's just all that in comparison to the bottom of the barrel experiences you say you've had.  And often -not saying with you or she - people who know their partner chose them with that kind of standard might be really uncomfortable being adored for those reasons.  Even if it's not expressed, it's expressed indirectly.

I know of many people who had horrible experiences and decided not to let those experiences shape them.  My dad was one of those people.  Was as he passed away 5 years ago.  And when he had his mental illness so little was known and it was so stigmatized which made it even worse.  But he made choices to have a life he could be proud of, a family, a 60 plus year marriage, a successful career he worked so hard to achieve and excel at.  It was so very hard being the daughter of a dad with mental illness and of course it impacted me.  And my choices. 

But I saw how my father rose above it and I made similar choices.  I'm not trying to compare "who had it harder me or you" -that's irrelevant -just my underlying point that as an adult it's not all you know.  It's all you choose to know.  Make a different choice?

JMHO. Not sayin I'm right just sharing my perspective as a middle aged person who's seen and been through more than her share!

Idk...  there is so much in psychology that suggests it can go either way.  Nature vs. nurture, etc.  I'm pretty sure it was BF Skinner that said free will is an illusion and everything we do is a learned behavior.  And the Tabula Rasa theory that we are all just blank sleights at birth echoes that. 

It's not that I see every single person in my life as horrible and she is just slightly less horrible.  It's the way we clicked, too.  We both have a really weird sense of humor.  Most people don't get my humor at all.  And we could sit up all night and talk, and never run out of the things to talk about and never go silent.  I've never had that with anyone... ever.  I never felt judged by her.  I never felt like I wasn't good enough.  I always trusted her.  We are both sexual abuse survivors, so she got that.  In the past I've had other people use that against me.  One of my exes even tried to say I must have wanted it and encouraged it, etc.  We both grew up in really messed up families.  I've dated people in the past with awesome families who I just can't relate to at all.  And there were also some really odd coincidences about our lives.  Like, at the same age we both suffered the same injury to the same part of our body in pretty much identical circumstances.

So it's not like everyone treated me bad and she just didn't treat me as bad.  It's not like, she's just the best of all the worst.  I just felt something with her that I never felt with anyone else.  

 

Edited by Cynder
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