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Stressed about money, would cancelling our trip be selfish ?


dontellmom
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⚠️ Kinda long !

edit: probably should have put this in relationship* advice, sorry about that  

My partner and I got covid in the beginning of the year, right when they got their booster so we caught on to symptoms pretty late because we didn’t know if it was side effects until it never went away. Shortly after, I started feeling really bad as well. We then both tested positive. 

I get paid hourly and don’t get sick pay if I have covid. My partner has a salaried job and still gets paid when sick. I have been having a hard time with my end of the bills because of missing work. I missed 7 days of work. 

Generally, my partner and I pay bills together on our place but also have our own separate financial responsibilities that go beyond our home. My partner took a little more of the financial burden this month for our place (they already pay more than I do because they get paid  more) but I still tried to manage what I could because they have more bills and responsibilities outside of our housing than I do. I figured some things out by selling some things I didn’t really need too much and finally have been getting back on track with my own bills and responsibilities. 

Fast forward to this week, things are looking better financially. The next 2 weeks we’ll need to budget tightly but will make it. Yesterday, my partner finds out that someone they were working with very closely this week tested positive for covid. We were told they would probably be okay because we just got over covid but now my partner has woken up with many of the symptoms from before. 

Funnily enough, I just got my booster yesterday so I feel a different kind of crappy today and am very stressed out about the chances of me getting sick again. We are in separate rooms until they test on Monday but we are pretty certain they’ve caught it again and if that’s the case then I doubt I escaped it. 

So, issue: my partner and I have a short distance/timed trip planned very soon that I am now thinking we should cancel. They are very excited for it; we’ve been planning and saving for a while and haven’t been able to do anything like this because of meeting at the start of covid. I am happy about it too but also won’t be totally disappointed if we don’t go. 

At first, I thought to myself: if I get covid again, we shouldn’t go. I’m feeling like I should use my half of what we saved on bills. If I will be out of work for at least another 5 days, it will be too much to try to figure out bills again. I have some PTO but am supposed to be using that for the trip. We have paid for the plane tickets and also for an Airbnb which was a significant amount of money but we will get at least half back from the Airbnb if we cancel. 

I then thought that even if I don’t test positive again, I’m not sure if I want to travel. We had not gotten Covid since it all started but then twice in one month? What if we get it again while there or even on the way back? I am stressing out but also don’t want to take this away from my partner. I know that they are so excited and I want to share this experience with them. I know they will be disappointed. 

I’m not sure if I’m being selfish as my main reason behind this is not wanting to personally stress about bills and missing more and more work. My partner will try to suggest that they pick up even more of the financial responsibilities but at the end of the day I know that them being low on cash is even worse than me being worse on cash.

Truthfully, I just don’t think the trip is worth living on an even tighter budget for the next couple of months. I’m not sure how to tell that to my partner without them thinking this is not something I want to experience with them.  

This isn’t to be negative towards my partner, I know that in the end they will understand or at least be okay with it but I’m a super anxious being and for the first time in our relationship, I’m afraid of letting them down and don’t know how to go about it. 

Edited by dontellmom
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18 minutes ago, dontellmom said:

I have been having a hard time with my end of the bills because of missing work. I missed 7 days of work. 

We have paid for the plane tickets and also for an Airbnb which was a significant amount of money but we will get at least half back from the Airbnb if we cancel. 

I’m not sure if I’m being selfish as my main reason behind this is not wanting to personally stress about bills and missing more and more work.

See if you can get a refund. If not go. If so explain your angst about money and covid symptoms to your partner.

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I think you need to explain your concerns to your partner pretty much as you did here. Both the financial aspects and the covid concerns. See what they say and go from there to figure out together what's the best course of action.

If you want to soften the blow a bit, you can talk about it in terms of postponing or rescheduling the trip to a better time and when you are both stronger financially and healthier.

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It doesn't have to be a total cancellation. You can take the trip in a few weeks instead.

Are you afraid of your partner? If not, why wouldn't you just calmly explain your concerns and ask for their thoughts on a compromise?

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2 hours ago, dontellmom said:

This isn’t to be negative towards my partner, I know that in the end they will understand or at least be okay with it but I’m a super anxious being and for the first time in our relationship, I’m afraid of letting them down and don’t know how to go about it. 

There's no other way around it other than communicating clearly and concisely why you prefer not to go on the trip. He may have the same reservations you do. You don't know until you both are open with each other.

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If either of you get on a plane with covid symptoms, well shame on you.  How many people would you infect doing that?  Stay home until you each get negative tests back.

I got a full refund on airfare for a trip I was to take in Feb.  I wasn't sick, just didnt want to chance someone else on the plane might be.

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20 hours ago, dontellmom said:

⚠️ Kinda long !

edit: probably should have put this in relationship* advice, sorry about that  

My partner and I got covid in the beginning of the year, right when they got their booster so we caught on to symptoms pretty late because we didn’t know if it was side effects until it never went away. Shortly after, I started feeling really bad as well. We then both tested positive. 

I get paid hourly and don’t get sick pay if I have covid. My partner has a salaried job and still gets paid when sick. I have been having a hard time with my end of the bills because of missing work. I missed 7 days of work. 

Generally, my partner and I pay bills together on our place but also have our own separate financial responsibilities that go beyond our home. My partner took a little more of the financial burden this month for our place (they already pay more than I do because they get paid  more) but I still tried to manage what I could because they have more bills and responsibilities outside of our housing than I do. I figured some things out by selling some things I didn’t really need too much and finally have been getting back on track with my own bills and responsibilities. 

Fast forward to this week, things are looking better financially. The next 2 weeks we’ll need to budget tightly but will make it. Yesterday, my partner finds out that someone they were working with very closely this week tested positive for covid. We were told they would probably be okay because we just got over covid but now my partner has woken up with many of the symptoms from before. 

Funnily enough, I just got my booster yesterday so I feel a different kind of crappy today and am very stressed out about the chances of me getting sick again. We are in separate rooms until they test on Monday but we are pretty certain they’ve caught it again and if that’s the case then I doubt I escaped it. 

So, issue: my partner and I have a short distance/timed trip planned very soon that I am now thinking we should cancel. They are very excited for it; we’ve been planning and saving for a while and haven’t been able to do anything like this because of meeting at the start of covid. I am happy about it too but also won’t be totally disappointed if we don’t go. 

At first, I thought to myself: if I get covid again, we shouldn’t go. I’m feeling like I should use my half of what we saved on bills. If I will be out of work for at least another 5 days, it will be too much to try to figure out bills again. I have some PTO but am supposed to be using that for the trip. We have paid for the plane tickets and also for an Airbnb which was a significant amount of money but we will get at least half back from the Airbnb if we cancel. 

I then thought that even if I don’t test positive again, I’m not sure if I want to travel. We had not gotten Covid since it all started but then twice in one month? What if we get it again while there or even on the way back? I am stressing out but also don’t want to take this away from my partner. I know that they are so excited and I want to share this experience with them. I know they will be disappointed. 

I’m not sure if I’m being selfish as my main reason behind this is not wanting to personally stress about bills and missing more and more work. My partner will try to suggest that they pick up even more of the financial responsibilities but at the end of the day I know that them being low on cash is even worse than me being worse on cash.

Truthfully, I just don’t think the trip is worth living on an even tighter budget for the next couple of months. I’m not sure how to tell that to my partner without them thinking this is not something I want to experience with them.  

This isn’t to be negative towards my partner, I know that in the end they will understand or at least be okay with it but I’m a super anxious being and for the first time in our relationship, I’m afraid of letting them down and don’t know how to go about it. 

Wait so the plane ticket was non refundable and the AirBnb is only half refundable? Your partner might be feeling like it was a huge waste of money to cancel this trip then and would rightfully be upset. I can also understand your point of view but you should have planned it with him better before u guys spent the money.

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On 1/28/2022 at 11:30 AM, boltnrun said:

It doesn't have to be a total cancellation. You can take the trip in a few weeks instead.

Are you afraid of your partner? If not, why wouldn't you just calmly explain your concerns and ask for their thoughts on a compromise?

This is fair. It we cancel I don’t think we’d be able to go any time soon though. I’m not afraid of my partner, it is just new territory for me. I also wanted to just get different points of view to be sure I wasn’t making a huge deal out of nothing. 

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On 1/28/2022 at 3:32 PM, melancholy123 said:

If either of you get on a plane with covid symptoms, well shame on you.  How many people would you infect doing that?  Stay home until you each get negative tests back.

I got a full refund on airfare for a trip I was to take in Feb.  I wasn't sick, just didnt want to chance someone else on the plane might be.

We would not be going if either us have covid. This trip is still 2 weeks from now so if either of us is sick we will be fine by then and will also be testing again before going. I’m just worried about the after effects of having covid. 

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On 1/29/2022 at 6:19 AM, Ayanokōji said:

Wait so the plane ticket was non refundable and the AirBnb is only half refundable? Your partner might be feeling like it was a huge waste of money to cancel this trip then and would rightfully be upset. I can also understand your point of view but you should have planned it with him better before u guys spent the money.

Yeah. I mean that is fair, I do think it’s a waste of money to not go. Just don’t want to be in a bad situation if we do.
 

We planned it for months actually and I think we did as best as we could for our financial situations. I just didn’t take into account that we might get covid, let alone getting covid twice in one month as it’s pretty much unlikely. 

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Lots of people I've known with covid did not shed it just because they felt better for a few days. Most have had a second bout of symptoms.

They didn't catch it a second time--they had not yet tested negative.

You have 2 weeks to learn how you'll feel then. You can run your concerns by your partner to learn whether they feel the same way. If not, stay open minded to keeping your commitment (and making it a happy time) if you're both healthy enough to do so.

You don't need to solve this today. Stressing isn't as healing as letting it go to resolve at a better time.

 

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