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The girl I loved confessed her love to me but I had to turn her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?


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Back in 2018, a new girl joined my workplace and I had a friendly colleague like relation with her. She would often come to me for help with office related stuff as I was experienced. Over time I grew a crush on her but I let it remain as is with no intention of taking it forward as I thought she was bound to be in a relationship already.

 

At the beginning of 2019, she added me on Facebook and would occasionally send me messages and we would chat about work stuff and current affairs etc. Then around June she got into an accident and required 19 stitches in her arm. I got very upset and agitated over it and started to take daily updates and giving her suggestions. She started responding and contacting on her own. I soon realized that I had fallen in love with her. We started having long and deep conversations (but mostly text) at this point. Two months later, feeling that her responses were positive, I told her that I had feelings for her, but she replied that she didn't think it as such and going down this path would only hurt me, but we could be really good friends. She told me that she was not in a relationship but she had her issues and darkness, therefore I should stray away from this.

I continued maintaining the friendship, but soon we started talking over the phone, and we used to talk for hours, but always she would be the initiator of these conversations. For some reason, after my confession, she became very demanding of my time and attention, and soon I found myself being an emotional support for her, and she became fully dependent on me for this support. She was being secretive about some parts of her life, but I maintained the conversions and egged deeper to figure out what her issues were and why it was not okay to give me a straight yes/no answer.

 

In the end, she confessed that she had been in relationship with A which broke off badly and before moving on fully went into relationship with B. Relationship with B became strained for some reason and she somehow started going on dates with C for a time. Later she figured out her mistake and moved away from C, but couldn't come clear with B and neither get off the relationship with B.

 

by December 2019, I figured that she had started developing feelings for me while in a complex relationship with B. I decided to butt out of the situation, andput some distance between me and her. The situation was totally unfair for B. I started putting distance while maintaining the friendship, is was very difficult as she would continuously try to maintain the communication. I also started to move on from her. Moreover, due to my love for her, I just couldn't be cold.

 

In 2020, office moved online and it aided in creating distance, but not enough. I kept trying to cut off communication, in the end, started ignoring her from around August 2020. She would keep trying to communicate with me and kept asking me for time to sort her mess. I didn't give in, to it. I minimized communication and responded to some texts only occasionally. in December 2020, she informed me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and came clean with him. I didn't give in and continued to ignore her calls and demands for attention. I kept having a hellish, nightmare of a time trying to move on from the love that had developed.

 

In early 2021, I was successful in moving on from her and was able to consider her just a friend. I could now take interest in other possible dates and maybe something serious. Then around June 2021, I wished her birthday and she texted that its her birthday and requested me to pick her phone. I did, and she started crying over my coldness and distant behavior. She demanded to meet me once outside office. I kept that request, and during that meeting she told me that she had feelings for me and asked me if I wanted to consider. I told her that it was too late and asked her to move on.

 

She kept on trying to convince me to accept her, but I didn't budge and told her to move on repeatedly. Last night (its 2022 now) she called, and told me directly that for her I was the love of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything.I told her that it was too late, I had a hell of a time to move on from her, it was a nightmare to suppress my love while maintaining a friend zoned relationship. I told her that I am honored, and I respect her confession, but I wouldn't be able to reciprocate now. I can't just undo the process of killing the feelings I had. She cried, threw some pretty harsh words at me, at told me that I am not going to find someone who loves me more than her and hung up..Ever since I turned her down, I am feeling pretty down, and feel absolutely s*** and guilty for crushing her feelings.I just want to know what you guys with the 3rd eye perspective think? Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

 

I really appreciate you for taking the time to read this essay and help me out.

 

**TL;DR;** : I had loved a girl who was in a relationship but she had a good friendship with me and leaned on me for emotional support. I moved on and created distance as I figured she is developing feelings for me while being in a relationship with another guy. She later broke up and confessed that I was the lover of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything. I told her it was not possible now, I had moved on and had to deal with a really hard time for that. She became upset and told me I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up. I feel very guilty and sad for turning her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

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You took 2 years too many. You should have got rid of her if not when she said "No", then as soon as she started talking about 3 other guys. That is the crazy ammount of drama you would be dealing with if you ever got with her. When they tell you they have issues, you better run.

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Let's say you get involved in a relationship with her (You're Guy D). You can bet she'll start something with Guy E or even backtrack to Guy A, Guy B or Guy C. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. And she wants to drag you into her mess.

She's right, she does have issues. And she hasn't dealt with them yet.

I wouldn't feel bad. For all you know she already has Guy E on the hook. 

As for work, keep your interactions with her strictly professional. Don't meet with her in a file room or alone in a conference room or anything like that. Business only.

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Yeah, I can't see 'love' in any of this.  ( Someone who's got multi partners in such a short amt of time is most likely unable to 'love', especially not while they're acting out like this..).

While YOU were taking a fancy on her, she had a number of other's on the go 😕 .

How stable do you think her mind is right now?  That's really not too pleasing.

As she even admitted she has some 'darkness' in there?  Yah, no thanks!

You've done well in keeping your distance now!  Keep moving ahead and have no more to do with her other than what's necessary re: work.

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21 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You took 2 years too many. You should have got rid of her if not when she said "No", then as soon as she started talking about 3 other guys. That is the crazy ammount of drama you would be dealing with if you ever got with her. When they tell you they have issues, you better run.

Yeah, probably should have butt out. But could have been worse. Thanks a lot.

21 hours ago, smackie9 said:

OMG she's a certified nut job. Be glad you got over those feelings for her...eeek!

Thanks for putting things into perspective.

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Let's say you get involved in a relationship with her (You're Guy D). You can bet she'll start something with Guy E or even backtrack to Guy A, Guy B or Guy C. She doesn't seem to know what she wants. And she wants to drag you into her mess.

She's right, she does have issues. And she hasn't dealt with them yet.

I wouldn't feel bad. For all you know she already has Guy E on the hook. 

As for work, keep your interactions with her strictly professional. Don't meet with her in a file room or alone in a conference room or anything like that. Business only.

You have a valid point, there might be a E in her life already. Its could probably be a vicious circle.

I have transferred to a different role in my office where I don't have to work with her.

Thanks for your advice.

11 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, I can't see 'love' in any of this.  ( Someone who's got multi partners in such a short amt of time is most likely unable to 'love', especially not while they're acting out like this..).

While YOU were taking a fancy on her, she had a number of other's on the go 😕 .

How stable do you think her mind is right now?  That's really not too pleasing.

As she even admitted she has some 'darkness' in there?  Yah, no thanks!

You've done well in keeping your distance now!  Keep moving ahead and have no more to do with her other than what's necessary re: work.

Thanks for your perspective and help. :D

Hope that things get better.

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On 1/28/2022 at 8:06 AM, DopplerEffect said:

**TL;DR;** : I had loved a girl who was in a relationship but she had a good friendship with me and leaned on me for emotional support. I moved on and created distance as I figured she is developing feelings for me while being in a relationship with another guy. She later broke up and confessed that I was the lover of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything. I told her it was not possible now, I had moved on and had to deal with a really hard time for that. She became upset and told me I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up. I feel very guilty and sad for turning her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

Someone who really loves you isn't going to say "I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up."

I skimmed your post but it looks like you're her last option, always a big red flag if you weren't her first option.

Edited by Ayanokōji
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On 1/27/2022 at 2:06 PM, DopplerEffect said:

I had loved a girl who was in a relationship but she had a good friendship with me and leaned on me for emotional support. I moved on and created distance as I figured she is developing feelings for me while being in a relationship with another guy. She later broke up and confessed that I was the lover of her life, she loves me for all my good qualities and all my flaws. She was ready to go all the way, introduce me to her family and discuss marriage, everything. I told her it was not possible now, I had moved on and had to deal with a really hard time for that. She became upset and told me I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up. I feel very guilty and sad for turning her down. Did I make the right call? Should I be feeling this much guilt?

You have good instincts. Keep listening to them. As you gain more perspective on the situation, your feelings of guilt will fade. As Ayanokōji points out, someone who loves you will never try to coerce you with threats that you'll never find someone who loves you as much as they do. A person who loves you will see you as lovable, as a person of value, and not as an unlovable reject. So, her saying that shows what she thinks of you: Good enough for now, but disposable down the road. 

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You now need to block her number and also delete her on social media. If you don't, every time she contacts you, it will dredge up emotions you should keep in the past. And you don't want her intruding on any new relationship. If a new gf sees your phone pinging with texts from this co-worker, she won't trust that your heart is fully free. Women are intuitive and will know something is going on that shouldn't be.

Here's hoping your lessons have been learned. When two people have different relationship goals, it neither works for romance or friendship. And never confess "feelings" before you've even had a first date. Those feelings are never more than a crush at that point. Love takes time to grow. You simply ask a person on a date, which "shows" interest. 

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On 1/29/2022 at 5:25 PM, Ayanokōji said:

Someone who really loves you isn't going to say "I will not find anyone else who will love me as much and hung up."

I skimmed your post but it looks like you're her last option, always a big red flag if you weren't her first option.

Thank you for the insight. The more I think I about it the more I feel that being the last option is a red flag.

 

On 1/29/2022 at 7:17 PM, Jibralta said:

You have good instincts. Keep listening to them. As you gain more perspective on the situation, your feelings of guilt will fade. As Ayanokōji points out, someone who loves you will never try to coerce you with threats that you'll never find someone who loves you as much as they do. A person who loves you will see you as lovable, as a person of value, and not as an unlovable reject. So, her saying that shows what she thinks of you: Good enough for now, but disposable down the road. 

Thank you for your insight. I will take care to listen to my instincts now that you have pointed out how good of a shield it can be.

On 1/29/2022 at 9:00 PM, Andrina said:

You now need to block her number and also delete her on social media. If you don't, every time she contacts you, it will dredge up emotions you should keep in the past. And you don't want her intruding on any new relationship. If a new gf sees your phone pinging with texts from this co-worker, she won't trust that your heart is fully free. Women are intuitive and will know something is going on that shouldn't be.

Here's hoping your lessons have been learned. When two people have different relationship goals, it neither works for romance or friendship. And never confess "feelings" before you've even had a first date. Those feelings are never more than a crush at that point. Love takes time to grow. You simply ask a person on a date, which "shows" interest. 

Thats some really great advice. I never thought of the situation in this way, if her presence can strain future relationships, I wouldn't want to harm the future knowingly. Thank you so much.

On 1/29/2022 at 9:12 PM, WildPump said:

There are too many ABC's in her life, you were lucky that in those 2 yrs you did not confess of your love for her otherwise you could have been in the same list. The way you handled her in the end was great.   

Yep, to many ABCs and none of them with good clean end. Thanks for your insight.

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You'r smart to steer clear of someone who's in the habit of spinning a lot of plates.

She's a drama-craver. Those are dangerous people. They lead people on with intense 'talk' either to amuse themselves or convince themselves, but as soon as they're clear that they've established devotion from another, they're bored and stir the pot by stirring in another person.

This is also known as 'the dance away lover,' which is an actual psych term and is researchable. They are only in 'love' with the one who gets away, but as soon as that person is seduced back into devotion, the dance of deception, disloyalty and alienation starts all over again.

Skip the guilt, it's wasted here. Better to thank yourself sooner rather than later.

Head high!

 

Edited by catfeeder
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8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is also known as 'the dance away lover,'

I have an ex like that. He pursued me for FIVE years but as soon as I agreed to date him again (we'd had a brief relationship years earlier) he became indifferent. He'd only act in love with me if he thought some other man wanted me. A very sick dynamic.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I have an ex like that. He pursued me for FIVE years but as soon as I agreed to date him again (we'd had a brief relationship years earlier) he became indifferent. He'd only act in love with me if he thought some other man wanted me. A very sick dynamic.

Yes! That's exactly it. As soon as you love a Dance Away Lover, they become obsessed with whoever else does NOT love them at the moment.

It's not only a sick dynamic, it's got zero shot at ever working out.

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