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Am I being treated as an option?


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I don't know the right thing to do.  

My boyfriend seems to really enjoy spending weekends with me and we  have done so for several months.  

I mentioned to him last weekend that I would enjoy a call instead of test every now and then.  He eventually did give me a call and said we can to this every now and then.  OK?

But this is what has me wondering....

It's my turn to see him this weekend at his place...we live about an hour apart.  But he is going to a party w/o me in the afternoon on Saturday (I was not invited since I didn't know the ppl and they sent out invites when we were only dating  2 months or so and his adult kids will be there and I haven't met them yet).  That is bad enough. 

BUT then he texts me today to tell me the next day I'm there (Sunday) he made arrangements for himself at 10 am to get his personal trainer for an hour.  As an afterthought, he texted and asked if I was interested in having a session with the same trainer after him.

EXCUSE ME but...I'll be sitting around for him a few hours Saturday afternoon while he goes to the party and then he wants me to either leave (I assume) or wait on him another hour the next morning.  We usually leave late morning from either other's home on Sunday. When he visits, it's usually on late Friday night and when I'm going to him I usually come on Saturday but he said I was welcome to come on Friday (I don't work Friday's but he does from his home).

Am I misinterpreting this but it sure seems like he is treating me quite casually and as an "option"?

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Not sure how long you two have been involved, but am assuming not too long?

I suggest you just tell him, no , it's okay this weekend I'll stay home.  ( Is that a bad thing?).  You can do your own things for once on a weekend, w/ out him.

Not sure why you see any of this as you being an option?

He is entitled, as you are to 'do your own things', without always being together or doing everything together.  is good for couples to have a life outside the relationship still... Don't lose yourself in this.

 

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I dunno how much "few months" are, but I would say if he is not willing to take you to the party with him and introduce you to his adult kids, he is not treating you as "official". He does the same ammount of effort as you are in terms of seeong each other and that is OK. Just dont think you are the priority there. Ih he has adult kids, maybe he wants it that way, just think it is something that you need to have a talk with him. Meaning that are you somebody who casually see each other every weekend or something more.

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I can understand about the party, but why wouldn't he make the personal trainer appt. for the afternoon after you left? Very telling how he didn't consider consulting you since you'd be his guest for the weekend. If that's a regular pattern, why live a life of regularly being upset?

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Why not just "let's chalk it up to a busy weekend for both of us?" 

Frankly, weekends are when people generally have to do ****, and sometimes one or both of you is going to have enough going on where either you get comfortable enough to keep yourself entertained at their place for the better chunk of an afternoon or you're both fine foregoing a weekend together.  I find it difficult to imagine you never have enough going on some given weekend where he wouldn't essentially be in your shoes now.

I did this kind of thing for maybe half a year with a woman.  By that I mean the "not quite long distance, but enough distance where staying weekends is pretty much the only thing sustainably worth the trip."  This specific guy and situation aside (it sounds like there's a lot more to the story), I'm not sure it's the right dynamic for you.  It certainly wasn't for me once the novelty wore off.  It's really something you engage in because you thrive off of it, not you hope to succeed despite of it.  

 

 

Edited by j.man
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On 1/27/2022 at 11:50 AM, gettingmixedsignals said:

I don't know the right thing to do.  

My boyfriend seems to really enjoy spending weekends with me and we  have done so for several months.  

I mentioned to him last weekend that I would enjoy a call instead of test every now and then.  He eventually did give me a call and said we can to this every now and then.  OK?

But this is what has me wondering....

It's my turn to see him this weekend at his place...we live about an hour apart.  But he is going to a party w/o me in the afternoon on Saturday (I was not invited since I didn't know the ppl and they sent out invites when we were only dating  2 months or so and his adult kids will be there and I haven't met them yet).  That is bad enough. 

BUT then he texts me today to tell me the next day I'm there (Sunday) he made arrangements for himself at 10 am to get his personal trainer for an hour.  As an afterthought, he texted and asked if I was interested in having a session with the same trainer after him.

EXCUSE ME but...I'll be sitting around for him a few hours Saturday afternoon while he goes to the party and then he wants me to either leave (I assume) or wait on him another hour the next morning.  We usually leave late morning from either other's home on Sunday. When he visits, it's usually on late Friday night and when I'm going to him I usually come on Saturday but he said I was welcome to come on Friday (I don't work Friday's but he does from his home).

Am I misinterpreting this but it sure seems like he is treating me quite casually and as an "option"?

It doesn't matter whether u think hes treating you as an option or not, just ask yourself if you're OK with the way you're being treated in this instance, if not then tell him you're not tolerating this and he needs to be more attentive otherwise it's over. Also I'd expect u to be as attentive to him when hes over at yours.

Edited by Ayanokōji
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Most people have stuff to do on some weekends. You both can either incorporate some of your own free time into your arrangement, or not, but if you're resentful about it, then this is not going to work for you.

Does it really matter whether a bunch of strangers on the forum vote thumbs up or down on the guy? Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

If I find myself resenting someone, I do a gut check and decide whether my expectations of them are reasonable or whether I'm p'd off that someone is not conforming to my fantasies 'about' them. If I honestly come out as reasonable, then the message I take away is that this person is just not the right match for me.

No villainizing is necessary, and it's not good for your own stomach lining.

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I would stop and think if the role was reversed, what would I do?  Would I be inclined to prioritize this new budding relationship?  Or would I make plans that suit me inspite of him driving the distance to see me for the weekend.  While his choices don't necessarily make him a bad guy, but his priorities do not appear to match yours.

And, is this just a one-off weekend where things unfortunately didn't line up, or a pattern? That would help me decide whether or not to continue.

Either way, I wouldn't make the hour drive.  Not out of spite, but because it's not a useful way to use my valuable time.  Tell him you will see him next weekend and see if this continues.

Edited by reinventmyself
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