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Traumatic Events = Relationship Anxiety


lgc
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So I am in a new relationship, it's with an incredibly nice, caring guy who is very sensitive and basically a dream guy. 

My anxiety is currently crushing me, I've not had this before in past relationships where I doubt myself and him so much so early on. 

Background, I don't know my father, he left when I was 3 and I'm now nearly 30. I was abused by a man in my family for 4 years from 8 years old until 12 years old. My previous partner of 5 years cheated on me and we broke up Octoberish of last year. I fear these 3 key events in my life is causing issues with trust and opening up with current partner. 

My mood swings are insane, I think I am subconsciously pushing away feelings in fear of getting too attached, and then I'll have moments of pure attachment but with that comes huge anxiety of him wanting to leave me. 

Its tiring, for me and probably for him too. Trying to explain anxiety to someone who doesn't understand it is so difficult, the way my brain works and over thinks tiny details it's annoying as heck. He has been quieter past few days and usually we see eachother on a Tuesday but he wanted to stay at home, and my brain is going into overdrive thinking its all over. 

I think im wanting reassurance that everything is OK and I'm not going mental.. Has anyone else experienced similar traumatic events and how has that affected relationships later on? I know therapy is probably the best thing but it's so expensive 😩 perhaps I needed to just let this out so I could take it off my weary anxiety riddled shoulders for awhile.. Sorry for the babbling. 

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14 minutes ago, lgc said:

My mood swings are insane. . Trying to explain anxiety to someone who doesn't understand it is so difficult.

Go to a physician about your mental and physical health. Discuss the moods and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. 

People you just started dating are not your therapists and you shouldn't be explaining your anxiety to them. 

Your mental health is your responsibility. It's not his job to assuage your untreated mood disorders, anxiety and overall past issues.

 

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I agree, see your primary physician for your annual checkup. Describe your symptoms and ask for a referral to a mental health professional. Most insurances cover mental health support if you've been referred by your primary doctor.

An untreated medical condition is your responsibility to manage, not your boyfriend's. Do not ask him for reassurance, don't ask him to appease your anxiety and don't lean on him when you're feeling anxious. You can get tips on how to manage anxiety from the mental health professional.

I suffer from anxiety (previously severe). I saw my primary doctor who referred me for mental health treatment which was covered by my insurance. Getting treatment was absolutely vital for me. It worked.

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5 hours ago, lgc said:

So I am in a new relationship, it's with an incredibly nice, caring guy who is very sensitive and basically a dream guy. 

How long have you actually know him that you can truly say this about him? Years? Or are we talking just months or weeks here? What makes him such a dream guy exactly? Not saying that you are wrong, simply genuinely wondering if you know him enough to place him on such a high pedestal.

 

5 hours ago, lgc said:

My mood swings are insane, I think I am subconsciously pushing away feelings in fear of getting too attached, and then I'll have moments of pure attachment but with that comes huge anxiety of him wanting to leave me. 

Consider that YOU should actually step away from dating until you get this^ sorted out. Yes, help can be costly, but going as you are is costing you even more in terms of quality of life, relationships, eventually it will affect other parts of your life as well, such as work.

Take a good year away from dating completely and focus exclusively on yourself and your health. Heal that trauma, do what you need to do, so that you can figure out what healthy relationships look like, what a good quality partner looks like, and be a healthy partner yourself. Remember that like attracts like.

Edited by DancingFool
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Yes, normal given the circumstances.  

Situations such as this take alot of time to recover.   I dated when I wasn't ready and it was miserable.  Ultimately what helped me was time, counseling and learning to trust myself.   Being anxiously hypervigilant, fearing you might miss the signs is an indication that you may not be ready.  

People will disappoint you.  That's life.  The ultimate goal is to learn to trust yourself first and foremost.  You date can from a place of confidence and trust that no matter what comes your way you can recognize red flags early on, know when to walk away and ultimately be resilient.

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7 hours ago, lgc said:

My mood swings are insane, I think I am subconsciously pushing away feelings in fear of getting too attached, and then I'll have moments of pure attachment but with that comes huge anxiety of him wanting to leave me. 

If you & your ex broke up in only October last year.. do you think it's just way too soon to be involved again?

You don't feel right at this time.. right?

Anxiety can do this.. it's exhausting on your mind & body 😕 .

I was on anxiety meds for abt 2 yrs after my last Ex.  haven't been involved since ( over 2 yrs ago)... When your anxiety kicks in it's awful.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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6 hours ago, lgc said:

So I am in a new relationship, it's with an incredibly nice, caring guy who is very sensitive and basically a dream guy. 

Your past traumatic events could be causing anxiety, yes. But also falling head over heels for a perfect stranger can be causing anxiety--and that's actually a healthy anxiety! Anxiety can be very complex and it's a real pain in the ass! Why don't you write more in lieu of therapy until therapy becomes more affordable. That will at least help you get some release.

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Did you have anxiety with your last partner before learning that he cheated?

If so, then you picked up red flags that taught you to trust your intuition.

If not, then you were blindsided and understandably lost trust in your own judgment.

Either way, it sounds too soon for a new relationship. Bringing anxiety to a new partner will only sabotage the relationship and become a self fulfilling prophesy.

Learn whether your employer offers an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) for a number of free counseling sessions for an acute issue. Compare the providers on that list with those in your insurance network. Choose a provider that is on both.

This way, you can sample the services for free on the EAP, and if you want to continue work with the same therapist, you can ask the therapist to start biling your insurance while offering some form of discount on your copays.

Another option is to contact your local hospital for an appointment with a case worker who might assemble some low cost providers resources for you. 

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On 1/27/2022 at 8:14 AM, reinventmyself said:

My therapist use to tell me that the Anxiety is trying to you something.  Something to think about.

My anxiety often lies to me, though.  It tells me that sitting in a chair in a restaurant could give me Covid, for example.  It can't, but try telling my anxiety that!

That's why it's key to get professional help.  It can help pinpoint what is a legitimate threat and what's an imagined one and help you work through it.

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My anxiety often lies to me, though.  It tells me that sitting in a chair in a restaurant could give me Covid, for example.  It can't, but try telling my anxiety that!

That's why it's key to get professional help.  It can help pinpoint what is a legitimate threat and what's an imagined one and help you work through it.

I remember when I first started having anxiety and panic attacks (1999?)  I was in the grocery store trying to decide what type of Rice a'Roni I wanted.  Lol  (not funny at the time, tho)  I walked out; leaving a full basket of groceries behind to hide in my car and then run home.  

Anxiety can often be suppressed things you are avoiding and denying. It didn't have anything to do with rice.  But if you don't deal with what you are avoiding, it bubbles up at inopportune times.  You deal with it and or it deals with you.  For me it was my toxic marriage that I was convinced was perfect.  Because acknowledging what was going on in my house, meant I might have to do something about it.  So, I stuffed it and was reeeally good at it.

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Yes, exactly,  @reinventmyself My psychologist and I are working on trying to figure out why I have such an extreme fear of catching Covid.  I mean, I already had it, am vaxxed and boosted, likely also already had Omicron, and yet here I am, still anxious.  Not AS anxious, but it's still there.  It's a reaction to something deep seeded that we are trying to uncover and then deal with.

But until we find that cause my anxiety will continue to not necessarily steer my ship, but it's definitely a very outspoken copilot!  Getting to the root cause is key.

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2 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

But if you don't deal with what you are avoiding, it bubbles up at inopportune times.  You deal with it and or it deals with you.

Yes, I've noticed the same happening to me! But sometimes part of the problem is that you can't deal with the thing. You want to, but it's out of reach. For example, 10 years ago, I was planning to move. I had an apartment in mind, but I was going to have a roommate who I'd never met before. I was worried that she might back out before signing the lease, and then I'd have to start the whole search again. I really didn't want that to happen for a lot of reasons.

I put it out of my mind while I waited because it was out of my control. I couldn't do anything. But it was sitting in the back of my head for about a month. At the same time, I found myself outrageously anxious about things I'd never been anxious about before. Eventually, I realized that the holding pattern that I was in with the apartment was leaking anxiety into other areas of my life!

Edited by Jibralta
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