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We broke up but we are trying to be friends. Is this a mistake?


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Guest Anonymous

For clarification, she broke up with me. She started acting weird towards me. It was like everything I did annoyed her. But we were already having problems. Well actually just one, sex. She never wanted to have sex, she would blame herself for it. Saying it was stress and all the stuff she has on her plate. Which she does, so I told her not to worry. Rather we are having sex or not, I love her, so don’t worry about it. Meanwhile I was trying everything I can think of to help the situation. Flowers, dinner, drinks. Etc
 

after the holidays and our business of family visits slowed down. She told me she needed a little of space. Nothing was wrong but she just needs to recharge. I said ok, she also said it was stressing her out feeling like we always had to communicate. I told her we didn’t but it didn’t help. So I pushed away a little no calls from me unless called first. 
 

anyway 3 days after that conversation, I wake up to her call and her informing me that she’s ending our relationship. Telling me she’s not attracted to me anymore. (She said because I watch anime, play video games and don’t like vegetables.)It hurt to hear and we talked for hours but when we got off the phone, I was shattered. She told me to call her if I wanted . But I didn’t for a couple of days. 

When I did, we talked a little more clearly, and she voiced how I was her best friend and she didn’t want to loose me. She just can’t be in a relationship with so much stress. That’s when we talked about the real issue. She said I haven’t been acting like a man. That I haven’t been working on bettering myself. Which honestly I agree. I haven’t been taking care of my goals. I have a great job but it’s so much more I want to accomplish like getting my MBA. I’ve been lack luster about it. She already has hers. she told me she can’t be in a relationship where she feels like she has to monitor me to make sure i reach my goals. 
I told her I had no intentions on giving up on us and she told me to show her that I’m worthy of a adult relationship. So that’s what I’m working. 
 

she wants us to be friends though, it has gone badly in the past making this decision but I don’t want her out of my life. I want her to see my growth and give me another chance. I told her that, and she said I have to prove it. I said I would.

I think fixing this issue will fix the attraction issue. 
 

Not to toot my own horn here but I was a great freaking boyfriend, her needs were always important to. I was always there for her and vice versa. If needed anything I was there, dogs to the vet, cleaning the house etc. Support, love. Whatever.

 

is being her friend a mistake? 

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It’s only a mistake if you expect it to be more. Things can change you can get back together but it’s not guaranteed. If you don’t mind the fact you may never be her boyfriend again then you need to accept just being her friend. 
If you do have strong feelings still it won’t be easy just to be friends and it won’t work. 

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Can you be friends with her and watch her move on a date another guy?

If not, you can't and shouldn't remain friends. It sounds to me like she was looking for excuses to break up with you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings further by being more honest about why she wants out. Putting on a show of all the improvements you're making isn't going to fx this, OP. 

I'm sorry. She's done. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Yeah, I feel, in ways she is trying to let you down easy, sorry 😕 .

And that she's been pulling away for a while now.. and is just giving little excuses / reasons.  This is a problem, that is a problem etc.  And I don't care what you say re:  no sex is not  an issue.  If you're not physical with your 'partner', then yes, it is pretty much already gone backwards to a friendship and I know, in time you would miss all of that.  A 'healthy' relationship requires everything. Emotional availability, trust, truthful and physical. 

So, in so many ways, this relationship was dwindling away. Not being successful & growing.

And believe me, just sitting on the sidelines agreeing to be her 'friend', is painful especially when you're still emotionally invested.. Is best to just be done, totally.  And yes, work on your own self & life.  Don't wait around. The way I always saw it is " It's all or nothing'.

 

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The lengths people will go through in order to prove their worth to someone who could care less. People who only love you for what you can provide for them or for how they view you aren’t going to be there in sickness and health, for richer or poorer.

If you do anything, do it for yourself, you don’t need to show anyone your worth. Let her search for someone better and if she comes back to you when she realizes she’s made a mistake and there’s nothing better out there, then you can finally let her have a taste of her own medicine...

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Guest Anonymous
5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

.She never wanted to have sex, 

she also said it was stressing her out feeling like we always had to communicate.

 she’s ending our relationship. Telling me she’s not attracted to me anymore. 

You don't want to be friends, you want to reconcile.

If you believe that she wasn't attracted to you because you don't eat vegetables, there's a lack of insight.

How long were you dating? How old is she? It sounds like you smothered her.

Do whatever self improvement you deem necessary, but do it for yourself, not to get your ex back.

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6 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

She said because I watch anime, play video games and don’t like vegetables

lol

I dunno, sounds like she planned to break up a long time ago. Making excuses on the way until she finally did it. Lack of sex could point on that.

And I would be personally offended to know that I did try over somebody and to be told how "I am not acting like a man and that I need to show her that i am worthy of being in an adult relationship". OK I am not up to your standard, go find somebody who is and that is it. There is no point in saying stuff like that. At the start of the relationship we see even "flaws" of our partners as just mild imperfections sometimes. At the end when you want to break up you see those flaws as something horrible, desperately waiting to just go away from them. So I get her finding those flaws and excuses to leave. But I dont get you and your willingless to just accept that.

OK you have flaws that you need to work. Just from your story dont believe you are as horrible as she makes it out. And you need to accept that. Not to pursue her ideals. Even if you did your best and reach those ideals, she would still never go back with you. Once they lose respect, they never get it back. She lost hers long time ago.

Hence why I think staying even friends with somebody like that is a bad idea. Let her go to find her ideals and let you pursue yours.  Find somebody who will appreciate you as a person. Instead of somebody who will just stomp you around no matter what you did for her. Staying friends with somebody that just brings you down will not do good for you. And you are delusional if you think that if you do better that she will just magically take you back there and suddenly even attraction will be back. Just find somebody who will appreciate you. She will never do that despite your efforts.

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Guest Anonymous
5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

You don't want to be friends, you want to reconcile.

If you believe that she wasn't attracted to you because you don't eat vegetables, there's a lack of insight.

How long were you dating? How old is she? It sounds like you smothered her.

Do whatever self improvement you deem necessary, but do it for yourself, not to get your ex back.

We were together 2 years. She’s 29. I kind of wondered that myself, so I gave her space. By that I mean, I normally wouldn’t call her unless I was calling her back. That way it was her decision to talk to me. 
 

im always starting to believe maybe some of the responses are right. It was just an excuse and she just wanted to be done with me 

 

it just hurts to think that way 

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10 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 

When I did, we talked a little more clearly, and she voiced how I was her best friend and she didn’t want to loose me. She just can’t be in a relationship with so much stress. That’s when we talked about the real issue. She said I haven’t been acting like a man. That I haven’t been working on bettering myself. Which honestly I agree. I haven’t been taking care of my goals. I have a great job but it’s so much more I want to accomplish like getting my MBA. I’ve been lack luster about it. She already has hers. she told me she can’t be in a relationship where she feels like she has to monitor me to make sure i reach my goals. 
I told her I had no intentions on giving up on us and she told me to show her that I’m worthy of a adult relationship. So that’s what I’m working. 
 

 

 

is being her friend a mistake? 

Is THIS how you treat your "best friend"???? 

By belittling them, acting superior to them, and she treats you like a CHILD that she "has to monitor?"

Not everyone has the same drives and goals in life, and that's fine.  It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. And she certainly should NOT make you feel bad because she attained something first. 

She did you the world's biggest favor by breaking up with you.  Personally, I think you should ditch her as a "friend".  Different people are motivated in different ways, but bullying and shaming aren't healthy options.  You also realize she is gaslighting you, right?  Bullying, shaming, and insulting you with the " you aren't MANLY enough comment"  and then saying that it's too much stress for HER?   

People need to do things in their own time.  What does it matter if getting your MBA takes you a year, 5 years or 10?  It's a big accomplishment no matter what and life isn't a race.  Maybe you need to take your time more than she did.  Maybe you need mental breaks more than she did.  If she didn't, that's fine- good for her.  But she has NO right to condescend to you for not accomplishing your goals on the same exact timeline as her. 

I hope you know you would never be in a successful long term relationship with someone like that.   Once you get your MBA, then what's the NEXT goal post you'd be expected to meet?  And then how would she be treating you if it wasn't met on her exact timeline?  That's not a partnership, that's a dictatorship.  

Walk away with your head held high.  I'd really seriously consider ending all ties with this woman.  She's NOT your friend.  She's abusive and toxic. Maybe you'll find you'll more quickly complete your MBA when someone isn't berating you constantly.  She may have been the VERY thing that was actually holding you back. 

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Break ups do hurt, but that pain passes faster when you let go and go no contact with your ex. Otherwise, the break up will just get messy and so much more painful and drawn out. So, no playing friends, no more talking or answering their calls or texts. Don't let her use you to get over you. She pretty much told you that she thinks she can do better, so she can go nuts on that without using you as a back up plan.

As for you, be careful that you don't take her cruel words/reasons too much to heart. Look at facts - you have a good job, you enjoy what you do and there are plenty of women who are also into the same hobbies, you were a good bf in many respects. Own it. If there are other things you truly want to do for yourself, then do it for yourself. Do not stoop to proving yourself to someone who discarded you. Understand that break ups are often a blessing in disguise - a chance to meet someone who is closer to you in interests and values, someone who values and appreciates who you are as is.

Walk away and don't look back.

 

Edited by DancingFool
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Agree with the others. Oh and if you want to show her you're a "man" - oh please (I mean show her you're a reasonably confident person) show her you don't need a friend who doesn't admire or respect you and walk away. Don't give her the privilege of your friendship.

I'm sorry you're disappointed.  Please don't settle for scraps and please don't ever try to convince someone through "friendship" that you're bettering yourself. 

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I don't demand that my friends "improve" themselves in order to have the honor of my company. I accept them as they are or I can choose not to be friends with them anymore.

Do your other friends treat you this way? Do you need to "show" them improvements before they'll agree to be your friend?

I can tell you, bowing down before someone will keep you in their orbit but they'll never respect you. And without respect there cannot be love.

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15 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

For clarification, she broke up with me. She started acting weird towards me. It was like everything I did annoyed her. But we were already having problems. Well actually just one, sex. She never wanted to have sex, she would blame herself for it. Saying it was stress and all the stuff she has on her plate. Which she does, so I told her not to worry. Rather we are having sex or not, I love her, so don’t worry about it. Meanwhile I was trying everything I can think of to help the situation. Flowers, dinner, drinks. Etc
 

after the holidays and our business of family visits slowed down. She told me she needed a little of space. Nothing was wrong but she just needs to recharge. I said ok, she also said it was stressing her out feeling like we always had to communicate. I told her we didn’t but it didn’t help. So I pushed away a little no calls from me unless called first. 
 

anyway 3 days after that conversation, I wake up to her call and her informing me that she’s ending our relationship. Telling me she’s not attracted to me anymore. (She said because I watch anime, play video games and don’t like vegetables.)It hurt to hear and we talked for hours but when we got off the phone, I was shattered. She told me to call her if I wanted . But I didn’t for a couple of days. 

When I did, we talked a little more clearly, and she voiced how I was her best friend and she didn’t want to loose me. She just can’t be in a relationship with so much stress. That’s when we talked about the real issue. She said I haven’t been acting like a man. That I haven’t been working on bettering myself. Which honestly I agree. I haven’t been taking care of my goals. I have a great job but it’s so much more I want to accomplish like getting my MBA. I’ve been lack luster about it. She already has hers. she told me she can’t be in a relationship where she feels like she has to monitor me to make sure i reach my goals. 
I told her I had no intentions on giving up on us and she told me to show her that I’m worthy of a adult relationship. So that’s what I’m working. 
 

she wants us to be friends though, it has gone badly in the past making this decision but I don’t want her out of my life. I want her to see my growth and give me another chance. I told her that, and she said I have to prove it. I said I would.

I think fixing this issue will fix the attraction issue. 
 

Not to toot my own horn here but I was a great freaking boyfriend, her needs were always important to. I was always there for her and vice versa. If needed anything I was there, dogs to the vet, cleaning the house etc. Support, love. Whatever.

 

is being her friend a mistake? 

She keeps belittling you over and over....why do you keep taking it? Are you not aware she's doing it?

There's a difference between someone positively influencing your life for improvement, and someone kicking you in the nether region, letting you know you're not good enough.

She is most definitely the latter.

Also, if that's a "best friend", who needs enemies?!?

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I can tell you, bowing down before someone will keep you in their orbit but they'll never respect you. And without respect there cannot be love.

Exactly! She has little respect for you as it is, the more you continue to take her nasty behavior, the more she will find you unattractive, and a pushover.

Stand up to her, tell her you won't be spoken to like that, at the very least!

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Agree with the above never agree to being a friend.

If you do, she will see this as weakness as you are not being true to yourself which in turn would make her think you are not a man, strangely enough.

I’d personally be turned off by the needing an MBA or goal thing. I get it, it’s great to improve ourselves, but it should be on our own terms and when it’s best for us. Improvement is never a one direction thing, there are ups and downs, setbacks, moving forward, sideways etc then eventually up.

I think just as a woman wants to be valued for who she is and not treated as a sex object, a man also wants to be valued for who he is and not treated like a “success object” where you always gotta improve just to “keep up” …

Cut off all contact with her. I’d say “sorry I can’t be friends as I wouldn’t be true to myself. All the best.” And walk away and never look back.

Get to the gym, focus on yourself, career etc whatever will make you feel fulfilled down the road, I can almost guarantee she’ll reach out at some point…

My good friend went through a hard break up and went to get some counselling and was told “time is your best friend” it may take up to half the amount of time you spent with this person, but eventually you will be over it and someone better will come along..

Edited by mical
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Trying to play friendzies with an ex sets you up for another breakup, so I'd just focus on grieving and accepting the first one.

You wouldn't be her friend--you'd hold an agenda of trying to appease her to win her back. She'd enjoy the comforts of keeping you around, but her agenda is to move forward.

But nobody worth their sense of self would be willing to date either of you while you're still tied to an ex, so given her forward agenda, guess who would get the boot? Again.

Skip that. If she ever contacts you, I'd tell her that you thought about it and don't view the two of you friendship material until long after you've moved on. If she ever decides that she wants to reconcile for a committed relationship with you, she can let you know. If you're still available then, you might meet to catch up.

This leaves your door open just enough for your own clarity that you're not missing out on her changing her mind.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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