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Avoidant-attachment ex has come back… exploring


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I went total no contact, ignored his attempts to contact me multiple ways for months. He was initially angry because I’d spoken to his (now ex) wife, which would anger anybody, I think! But after months it was clear he missed me and still cared about me. Not only because he explicitly said so, but because he began texting me basically 24/7 the way we always used to and bring up minute details about seemingly insignificant nights we hung out years ago- like, I didnt even remember that one purple sweaterdress until he described it. 

He’s textbook avoidant attachment, and I’m anxious. I know it’s a toxic combo but our sexual chemistry has always been explosive, as has this… other connection where we just get each other on levels I can’t describe. Figured I’d reflect on whether there’s anything I can try this go around. I’m someone who left a great-on-paper but super vanilla marriage because I cannot feel like I’m slowly dying inside… When I’ve had a stressful day at work I prefer ruthless sex to someone going empathic and soft and telling me don’t worry I’m great… I’m a generally aggressive alpha woman type and feel that this ex is personality-disordered (he’s even alluded to some psych stuff himself), but he could be my person in a way that undoubtedly sounds very odd but we are two magnets.

Edited by Kansasbbq10
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Texting you 24.7 remembering steamy or intimate details is not dating. Is he asking you out on dates or showing any interest aside from fwb or casual sex? 

Given his issues and newly single status, he’s not dating material. Enjoy the company but it’s nothing serious.

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4 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said:

He’s textbook avoidant attachment, 

Sounds more like textbook married man and textbook jealous lover contacting the wife in hopes of breaking up the marriage.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

Next time don't rush in.  Take your time getting to know someone.

If someone is married, dying of cancer, etc., it's time to reflect, not on attachment theories but on what you're trying to accomplish.

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I agree with Wiseman -you're so caught up in analysis when this is really plain vanilla common sense - and you know you're motivated by this "sexual chemistry" -are you really just a label -I bet not- and labeling someone else as disordered - what's with all the neat little boxes/playing at being a psychiatrist? You settled for your husband and sought excitement elsewhere.  A story old as time.  You like going for unavailable men because you need the thrill of the chase feeling to feel energized.  Being in love with a person who is solid, there for you - boorrrrring.  

You weren't in a great on paper marriage. No such thing - that's just great on facebook deception stuff.  No one uses the word "great" to describe what you chose to settle for.  It's sad.  

My advice - be true to yourself -if you crave the excitement of sex with unavailable men who are kind of crazy/unstable- go for it (but stay safe -physically I mean) - but please don't tell yourself that those people are your match for a serious relationship. 

Just like you don't tell yourself that it's ok to be in a as you put it "great on paper" marriage.  Then, when you become the person who craves the excitement of being with someone who is available and stable and gets you and loves you you will pick that person and - surprisingly -I'll be you'll find that the sex is exciting too -once you have that mindset.  It's up to you.

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If you’re going to chase partnered men then at least familiarise yourself with the chumplady’s blog so you can have a grasp of how much suffering these shiny turds inflict on their partners (also for the love of goodness use protection). 
 

With regards to your crawling back boy. Do you want to have your heart shattered by him again? Yes? Then go ahead and let him back in. (Also you did the right thing letting his wife know he’s a massive cheater).

Edited by 1a1a
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  • 2 weeks later...

This post oozes with toxicity lol 

Sorry but when I was with my toxic ex I used to say stuff like our relationship was "passionate" which in toxic speak means we fight all the time and sometimes they got physical but in my mind that was okay because when we loved it was just as passionate. 

Your "explosive" sexual chemistry is probably much the same. It's mostly in your mind is my guess. You find it compelling to identify yourself as disordered or alpha female or in some other way not "normal" because you like to partner yourself with unavailable men who treat you like crap which is interesting in itself. 

Sorry if this is harsh but I'm in a mood today to serve it like it is lol these labels you want to ascribe to yourself mean absolutely nothing. I'd really sit down and think about why you feel you need to be this person who only dates men who she knows can't actually give her anything but "explosive sex" (which you can probably just pay for these days lol). 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Honest opinion. It sounds like a toxic relationship of two people chasing a high when they were both already married (or close to)

 

I’m not exactly sure what your question is either. 

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