Current GF got with her best friends ex while we were taking a break and I am having trouble getting over it after 2 years

[bonesquad]

Me (19M) and my gf (18F) began dating in sophomore year of high school after she had a crush on me. We dated for a year and a half after this and it was a pretty good relationship. I ended things to find myself as I had been very depressed due to family issues and countless injuries in baseball (now a college pitcher). During all this time she had a best friend and they were very close. Her best friend had a boyfriend and all three of them became close along with the rest of their friend group. I wasn't a part of this but I saw nothing wrong with it and never worried. About 5 months after breaking up I wanted to get back together. Her best friend told me that she was dying to get back together with me so I decided I would ask her in a week or two. In that first week her best friends boyfriend broke up with her and she was devastated. At this point I had already reached out to my gf and she gave me a weird response when I was confident that she would want to get back together as she had already stated that. Her best friend texted me that my gf had gotten with her ex right away and I was shocked. I didn't know the extent of it at the time but I was obviously disappointed. I talked to my gf about it and she said she regretted everything and almost stopped communicating with him entirely and got back together with me (completely her choice at this point) which I was happy about. Keep in mind this is about 2 years ago now. Everything was great for a few weeks until I went on her snapchat and checked the messages she had with him. There were pictures of them cuddling shirtless, she told me they would make out, and there were love paragraphs that were eerily similar to what she would send me. I was crushed instantly in that moment and I haven't been the same since. She has changed and is the most supportive and loving person in my life and she always regrets that time. We've been doing long distance now for college and this past week has just been the worst week of my life. I can't get those images out of my head and I've been talking to her about it more recently but she can't give me and closure on the situation. Whenever I close my eyes now I can just imagine them and I feel like I have forgotten who she is. I've been thinking about taking a break but I feel like that is immature and selfish of me. She told me she's here for everything and wants to give me all the reassurance and help in the world, but I still just can't get those times out of my head. Any advice on how to move on from that and return to normal so I can feel her love again and give her what she needs?

[Wiseman2]

She's not ready to date. She's still hung up and on/off with her ex.

[Rose Mosse]

Is there a reason why you went through her phone or photos/snapchat info from two years ago? These photos were not recent?

Were you looking for something else and came across this or did you specifically go fishing for this type of info? 

She doesn't have to explain her past to you. It's finished and that is over. I think you ought to get a handle on any depression and anxiety instead of taking it out on your partner.

[bonesquad]

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Is there a reason why you went through her phone or photos/snapchat info from two years ago? These photos were not recent?

Were you looking for something else and came across this or did you specifically go fishing for this type of info? 

She doesn't have to explain her past to you. It's finished and that is over. I think you ought to get a handle on any depression and anxiety instead of taking it out on your partner.

No this was at the time that we got back together. Its been two years since I've found out.

[Rose Mosse]

7 minutes ago, bonesquad said:

No this was at the time that we got back together. Its been two years since I've found out.

I think you should be the one apologizing to her for snooping through her past info/chats and working on your self-esteem. It's ok to feel low after seeing something like this but continually bringing it up or her having to apologize to you is excessive. She may get tired of it one day and just leave. There's nothing she should be sorry for. 

Maybe her continually saying sorry or showing "regret" makes you feel justified that something wrong did happen. She didn't do anything wrong. 

Focus on respecting your partner's past and her as a person. 

[Andrina]

Teens sometimes do stupid things because one's brain isn't fully developed before age 25. And I'm not talking about her. I'm speaking of you. You were the one who chose to see what her romantic past looked like when she was a free agent, seeing what you preferred not to see. Sounds like you grilled her, since I don't think she'd speak about making out with a guy to you, even if it was ethically fine to do so. You are the one conjuring those images in your head regularly, since you do have control over where your thoughts veer to, and can redirect thoughts with practice.

Either get therapy to improve how you operate in life, to stop this nonsense of immersing yourself in one inconsequential happening in your life. Or free your girlfriend to find someone who doesn't put her through this emotional drama when she did nothing wrong. Her self-worth is lacking if she sticks around for paying a price for a crime she never committed. She very well might dump you if she comes to her senses and someone who sees her through fresh eyes, and not as tainted material, comes along.

[SooSad33]

Damaging I guess?

I had something similar with my first ex.  He was with my friend for a little bit before me, and I have to say I wish I had NOT known anything about them at all, because it did drill deep into my mind for way too long!

Above replies are correct.  I'm sure you now regret going through her personal texts to him.

Also, do consider some therapy to work through this, that affected so hard.  

It is in the past and you two were not involved at that time.. They were 2 young people having a thrill is all.  But was short lived and did nothing for either.

The problem now, is you.

Can you get over this? Possibly not.. then as mentioned, the guilt you're putting onto her will cause a negative effect on your relationship, so either put up with your own negative thoughts ( and deal with a therpist) or accept you can't do this anymore and get out of this with her.

 

[MissCanuck]

Sometimes these things nudge us to move on. 

You two got together as kids, bascially. And you're still both very young. You have both made poor choices. It seems this relationship has run its course and you might be better off going your separate ways. 

[Usa1ah]

I am trying to understand why you got back with her. 
 

The two of you date for over a year. 
 

You break up do to personal reasons, struggling at that time. 
 

5 months later her best friend tells you that your ex is wanting to get back with you. 
 

Right after, the best friend’s bf breaks up with her. 
 

Then while you start talking with your ex again, she is acting weird and turns around and has sex with her best friend’s ex right after they break up. I am guessing the two girls are no longer friends. 
 

When did the half naked cuddling and making out take place?

 

When did she send him all the love messages?

 

From the way you explain it, they had sex then she instantly regretted it. Then got back with you. So, was she cheating with her best friend’s boyfriend?

 

She sounds like bad news, I would suggest ending the relationship and block her. Find someone that isn’t a cheater or the other woman. 
 

As far as finding out what went on, you had every right to figure out what was happening if your so called girlfriend wasn’t being honest with you. Don’t listen to those that say it a invasion of her privacy. They are trying to change the subject by making you look like the creep and to take the focus off your girlfriend’s cheating. 

[Rose Mosse]

There is no indication in his post that she was cheating. 

The OP is free to clarify the timeline since he was going through her info and photos and they undoubtedly have time stamps on them. 

Her having to explain herself over and over again in the relationship to justify her actions when they were NOT together is ridiculous.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

There is no indication in his post that she was cheating. 

The OP is free to clarify the timeline since he was going through her info and photos and they undoubtedly have time stamps on them. 

Her having to explain herself over and over again in the relationship to justify her actions when they were NOT together is ridiculous.

I agree. Rather than a continual interrogation or feeling bad about what happened in the past, it makes more sense to end the relationship. It sounds miserable anyway.

[lostandhurt]

Your gf owes you nothing but you owe her a huge apology.  You have no right to dump your insecurities onto her and expect her to shoulder the burden for something that had nothing to do with you at the time.

She was single and it doesn't matter who she got with during that time or how many.  Keep this up and she will dump you and then you will be imagining a lot more guys with her.

This is your issue so keep it to yourself and apologize to her and let her know you will never bring it up again.

Then you need to step back a little and think about why you are unwilling to let this go.  Let's say you break up and meet someone new and she has had 3 boyfriends she was intimate with would you sit around imagining her with the 3 guys?  What if the number was 7 guys? 12?   You see this is your issue and your ego is keeping it at the surface.  I am not saying you need to purge your mind of these memories but I am saying you need to accept that you aren't thrilled she was with someone else while you were broken up but also accept that if you hadn't ended the relationship this would have never happened.

 You see you caused this and perhaps that is why you are unwilling to let it go.  Forgive yourself, accept the situation and stop dumping your crap on her every time things in your life aren't going perfectly. In short it is time to grow up.

  If you no longer love her because of this or are no longer In Love with her then set her free so she can find happiness with someone that will accept her for who she is and  who she  was.

 Lost

[Blue68]

On 1/25/2022 at 4:22 PM, Usa1ah said:

As far as finding out what went on, you had every right to figure out what was happening if your so called girlfriend wasn’t being honest with you. Don’t listen to those that say it a invasion of her privacy. They are trying to change the subject by making you look like the creep and to take the focus off your girlfriend’s cheating. 

She wasn’t cheating. He dumped her five months before. She didn’t have to go running back to him the moment he changed his mind. Granted, choosing to get with her best friend’s ex wasn’t the best choice but seeing as they were both single then, technically speaking, they weren’t doing anything wrong. It didn’t work out and she chose to go back to her ex. 

No-one is changing the subject and no-one has mentioned anything about the OP being “creepy”.  Only you’ve come up with that! People are just saying it as they “see” it and, again, technically speaking, he had no reason two year’s later to be searching through her phone. 

On 1/26/2022 at 11:17 PM, Usa1ah said:

It is crazy how guys get ripped to shreds here. 
 

Not at all. Just people having a different opinion to your own. I think someone is a little hyper sensitive!

I’m sure the OP will be glad to know that, on the whole, no-one thinks his gf did anything wrong.

 

 

Edited January 30 by Blue68

[Blue68]

Why do you think people are attacking you, Usa1ah. It’s called having a difference of opinion. You have done exactly the same thing. What is there to wonder about? Are you trying to goad me? 

Anyway, I don’t want to argue with you. I’m just stating the facts as I see them presented.

She got with her friend’s ex pretty quickly but they were both single at the time. Admittedly, the timeline is not completely clear but I haven’t read anywhere that the loves notes etc were sent before her friend had broken up with this guy.

 

Edited January 30 by Blue68

[smackie9]

Start anew. You are too young to be spending your time with just one person. Go sow your wild oats! have fun, hangout with your buddies, meet girls!

Edited January 31 by smackie9