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Relationship growth or go


Juliet
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Helllo,

me and my boyfriend have been dating 4 years now…

he moved in rather quick and would pay half of the bills (mortgage, water, electric) but if something would break in the home I would be on my own. I was working two jobs and a full time student and he had a full time job. He didn’t take time to ask me about school and would get annoyed if I even asked him how his day was and would always play video games..

I ended up breaking up with him and he moved back in with his mom..

 we stayed in contact and had a FWB type relationship.. he had started mingling into some drugs & bad habits when we broke up.. which scared me, I don’t want to see him end up in a bad situation.. we started hanging out more and he moved away from the drugs.. he smokes cigarettes which I hate but i know he doesn’t plan to quit, but him not being concerned with his health has also concerned me..

i recently moved into a new apartment, i have one one job now and am still a full time senior student.. 

he has been staying at my apartment everyday for the past three months, we never talked about him moving in. He doesn’t contribute to any of my bills (and only pays the wifi at his moms house which is where he moved to when we broke up) I’ve made comments here and there and have talked about him helping out, so he started buying his own food at my place. We have very different food preferences. He just seems so content on living with his mom if he has to and I feel taken advantage of, I don’t think he really puts much thought into any of it or seems to be malicious but I have some resentment forming..

regardless, he is a good person and has a genuine heart and has stopped playing video games but he still doesn’t really want to communicate deeply with me.. he says I am his best friend but he does not contribute to any bills and is staying at my home full time, I do love him but I’m not in love with him. He doesn’t have any goals or ambitions which is also a bit bothersome for me..

after 4 years I’m coming to this huge decision I feel I need to make.. He does cook me food, but doesn’t help with cleaning. I feel as if our relationship is more of a friendship, and if I was to really establish the break up I wouldn’t have that friendship at all, which I don’t want. I would still like to have his friendship.. 

but I do feel as if I’m being dragged down due to the lack of effort in the relationship. Writing this, makes me even more aware of this.. I’ve independent worked hard for everything I’ve got.. and I know it’s hard to get there but he never has any money.. if we go out to eat I’m automatically the one paying.. every time.. I just need some advice 

Edited by Juliet
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58 minutes ago, Juliet said:

he has been staying at my apartment everyday for the past three months. He just seems so content on living with his mom if he has to and I feel taken advantage of.

Stop letting him camp out in your apartment. Let him live with his mother.

It's unclear why you want him camping out in your apartment and mooching.

It's going nowhere. End it so you can be free to find someone who wants what you want.

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You're not adopting a dog and taking care of a pet "he's a good dog at heart even though he destroys the house so I'll hire a trainer or try something different" - you don't owe him your time, money, home, etc.  If you want to help someone with a good heart who isn't taking care of themselves or adulting suggest resources they may not know about -school, job training, meetup groups, like that.  

Do you like being in control like this - the one who is the parental figure -that way you don't have to be as vulnerable -it's safer than being in a relationship with an independent self sufficient adult who you respect and admire. 

You're even passive in your description -you're being dragged down? Nope.  You're choosing to drag yourself down.  It's not "due to the lack of effort in the relationship" -this is not about a third person -it's about you.  It's due to you not making an effort to know your worth and act accordingly.  Stop making excuses although it might be interesting for you to figure out why you're making excuses and settling.

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This guy is a freeloader. 

Genuine heart, my eye. If he were a good guy, he would pulling his weight rather than letting you and his mommy do it all. 

You know what you need to do here, OP. And it will probably mean you cannot stay friends with him, but is that such a big loss? He's been taking advantage of you all along. He's not a good friend. 

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You’re your own problem, unfortunately. Once a relationship ends, the concerns fade as well. You booted him once and were only FWB and he wiggled himself back in. That’s why no contact is better after a break up.

You don’t seem serious about the first time you broke up with him. Did you do it because you were hoping for him to change deep down? He’s not going to change.

Once you’re able to face moving on and resolve to do so, don’t look back. If you’re lonely, turn to your friends and family. You are the one who needs to change. Start recognizing that he’s not going to and let go of any inflated idea that you’re doing him or you any good. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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7 hours ago, Juliet said:

I am his best friend but he does not contribute to any bills and is staying at my home full time, I do love him but I’m not in love with him. He doesn’t have any goals or ambitions which is also a bit bothersome for me..

You care enough about him... but, you are not in love with him.

Then this is done now.

You are too different and is time to admit this.

You have a decent heart to heart talk and let him go back to mom's.

Then you leave him be,,, whatever he chooses to do is on him.  It's his life & his choices he makes. re: work, lifestyle, etc.

 

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Do you happen to be getting your degree in something like Nursing? Or something where you’ll be helping people? I’m only asking because I’m sensing White Knight Syndrome all over this situation.

The other posters are correct, you cannot change or save him. It’s not your responsibility, it’s not your burden, and you shouldn’t even consider trying. You’ve given him more than a fair shot, and he’s not matching your ambition. That’s a clear indication that he is NOT the one for you, and you cannot make him so.

Let him go, see how high you can fly.

Edited by indea08
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Sounds like your the mother figure he is looking for. Someone to take care of him and to pay his way through life. If his only ambition in life is to live off of his mom and play video games then let him. 
 

Kick him out of your life. He isn’t worth it. 

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I think the majority of the population can point out at least some positive characteristics of their ex's.  After all people aren't all bad. But it doesn't mean we give up our valuable lives hanging on the one fact they are good hearted.  Especially if we can make a long laundry list of gross incompatibilities.

Yes, you will mourn the loss of the friendship, but as long as you continue the way you are, you are wasting valuable time that might otherwise be better used growing, making new friends who aren't taking advantage of you. And at some point - a fabulous partner who brings value to your life and makes you happy.

Who he is is standing right in front of you.  Ask yourself if you want a lifetime of this.  If not, then it's time to move on.  Believe you deserve better.

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On 1/24/2022 at 7:23 AM, MissCanuck said:

If he were a good guy, he would pulling his weight rather than letting you and his mommy do it all. 

Exactly.

It's good that you are willing to work hard for the things that you want, but working this hard for a relationship does not make you 'independent.' Quite the reverse, actually. You should not need a relationship this badly.

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Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Write out the traits of who your ideal partner would be, and you will find that out of ten elements, he will likely only meet one of those standards. Yeah, that's what's called settling. Is that what you'll do with your one precious life on this planet?

And remaining friends is the worst thing you can do. That action will drive away any new romantic prospects when you're ready to date again. If you had a bf, would you want him being buddies with a woman he would've married if she wasn't so lazy? 

It's hard to go no contact with someone you've been used to having around, but with time and distance, you will eventually have closure. Seek out friendships with people who won't impact a future romance with the right guy you'll eventually find.

You've learned something from a "starter" relationship, of what you don't want. If you want to be as successful in romance as you are in your career, yes, a breakup is vital.

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You shouldn't have allowed him to move in with you after breaking up with him. Now he is taking you for granted. You have already helped him by getting rid of drugs. Now talk to him and tell him to move out your apartment. You have really work hard and it is time you enjoy share it someone who will love and care for you. 

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