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Friends with exclusive benefits after 8 year relationship.


Cknott
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Hey there everyone I am looking for some advice. Me and my girlfriend of 8 years have decided to separate for personal growth and healing from trauma that happened in our past. I can move forward and fix thing while together but she can’t officially label it and date but she wants us to be exclusive and be friends and just see what happens, more my idea but I’ll take what I can get. We love each other and have a lot of connections both with us and our financials and pets and family. She is moving out in a few weeks and she says we can maintain what we have. She has no desire to be with others and she isn’t going to date and I would never want to either. I just feel kind of lost and not sure what to do to make the situation better. I know there is no quick fix or anything but I wanted to get some opinions on this and see if there’s anything useful. I don’t want to lose her and grow apart but I also can’t smother her. Thanks in advanced for any assistance!

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14 minutes ago, Cknott said:

Me and my girlfriend of 8 years have decided to separate for personal growth . She is moving out in a few weeks and she says we can maintain what we have. 

Sorry this is happening. What is the reason for the breakup if you both want to be together anyway?

 If anything remaining friends or worse FWB will inhibit, not promote any "personal growth".

Sooner or later this won't work. You'll both feel trapped and stalled out if you live apart, breakup yet have sex and basically date each other. 

One of you will be hurt by this arrangement because if you are breaking up to the point of her moving out, you'll both want to have a life and move forward.

Fix it or end it. This nebulous situationship will just bring headaches and heartaches.

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16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 If anything remaining friends or worse FWB will inhibit, not promote any "personal growth".

Yup -no "benefits" there.  I agree.  Today she has no desire to date others.  Tomorrow she might and since she is not tied to you - if she has that desire she is free to act on it.  Financial ties and pet ties and family ties (no kids, right?) -doesn't mean you need to be close friends or swap saliva or other bodily fluids.  You also can use third party go betweens - friends etc to limit contact. Why give her the privilege of your company when she want to "grow" and "heal" but - hmmmmm -not be committed to you.  This means when the going gets tough ....she goes.... buh bye- except wants you as a security blanket.  Value yourself more than that ok?

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Break ups are not easy on anyone... do you think maybe she's just letting you down easy.. for now?

If my partner pretty much just wants to 'end it', by moving out, that says plenty, don't you think?

Why does she have to move out to 'work on things'? Is it something that occurred between you two? Or something that has nothing to do with you?

Maybe for her, some time away, on her own will do her some good to 'work on her issue's', but sadly, it is meaning the situation she is in, she's not happy/comfortable. Is up to you to decide if this is what is okay for you... you will just have to see IF things remain in the 'okay zone', over time, or if she does pull away more.

She has 'agreed' to friendship & physical involvement still? ( or was this your request? You said, you'll take what you can get).  I say don't. ( has already been mentioned).

 

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10 hours ago, Cknott said:

I can move forward and fix thing while together but she can’t officially label it and date but she wants us to be exclusive and be friends and just see what happens, more my idea but I’ll take what I can get.

This sounds like a knot that I can't unravel. She wants a breakup while using you as a comfort blanket while she moves forward. Is that right?

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This is a terrible idea. 

You are breaking up and continuing to stay "FWB" thereafter is going to end badly. You will likely get hurt when she eventually decides she doesn't want to do that anymore, because if she initiated this break-up, it will almost surely be her that pulls the plug on this first too. 

So while you see this as a way to keep the connection alive, she probably sees this as a way to wean herself off you while she moves on. 

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11 hours ago, Cknott said:

Hey there everyone I am looking for some advice. Me and my girlfriend of 8 years have decided to separate for personal growth and healing from trauma that happened in our past. I can move forward and fix thing while together but she can’t officially label it and date but she wants us to be exclusive and be friends and just see what happens, more my idea but I’ll take what I can get. We love each other and have a lot of connections both with us and our financials and pets and family. She is moving out in a few weeks and she says we can maintain what we have. She has no desire to be with others and she isn’t going to date and I would never want to either. I just feel kind of lost and not sure what to do to make the situation better. I know there is no quick fix or anything but I wanted to get some opinions on this and see if there’s anything useful. I don’t want to lose her and grow apart but I also can’t smother her. Thanks in advanced for any assistance!

She’s slowly backing away. You both sound equally confused and I’m sorry about that. Break ups are not always cut and dry and follow in stages. You won’t feel it and the reality of this might not hit you until later when you both begin living separate lives. 

You’re likely devastated and desperately trying to recover the void and heartache knowing it’s over as you both know it. 

All I can say is wait for it and give it some time. Start severing your finances and be smart about anything legal or financial. Look at the home and if it’s something you both co-own. You’re a sitting duck if you do nothing. 

Exclusively dating with no labels and not interested in a life together only reads as no strings sex with an ex. Take care of yourself and start accepting it’s over.

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You guys already been together for 8 years and went nowhere but friends. There is not much left for you and her. Breaks are always painful but if you won't on and your partner will then I guess you can understand rest. It is adviced to move on so that you both can recover from this. 

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Separating yet being exclusive doesn’t make any sense. It’s either one or the other.

She is agreeing to it because it’s easier than not. Also, it helps knowing that someone is there for you. Great for her … not great for you though. 

The bottom line is she wants out. She wants her own space to “grow”, which could mean anything, including eventually meeting new people. There is no point in hanging on. It is too painful. If it is meant to be then you will find your way back together after some time apart but it is better to NOT assume this is anything other than a break-up so you aren’t rooted to the same spot whilst she moves on with her life. 

After, 8 years it’s going to be hard to make a clean break and it would be unrealistic for any of us to assume that will happen … there is always a “breaking up” period where there will inevitably be contact. Nevertheless, there will come a point where you will have to accept that there is no such thing as an exclusive separation.  

 

 

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