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How many men in late 20s and early 30s are financially prepared to get married?


kim905
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Before asking the folks here another question, update on the previous topic:

She and I went on a date and we talked about what I meant as "becoming more serious" and I told her that it meant being exclusive and she seemed to be understanding of that. She had thought that I wanted to be official lol. 

This triggered another question about my finance and if I am ready, which kinda made me question my ability and if her expectation is too high or I am just not good enough to get married....

I (M29) have been dating a girl (F30) and she's dead set on marrying and raising a kid as she is in that age. She's also getting a lot of pressure from her parents to settle down.

Eventually, the question of finance came up and I told her that I own a $700k (initial purchase) condo in downtown (now valued at $900k) , a car, and $30,000 saved up for a wedding and a new car.

However she seems to have her eyes set on buying a townhouse in a suburb and seems like what I achieved so far isn't up to her standards....

I told her that I am more than happy to sell my place to upgrade, but it seems that I have to do all the heavy lifting in terms of finance. 

Furthermore, she doesn't seem financially ready at all based on how much she tells me that she needs a raise, her choices of accessories and clothes, and her student loan (she went to university for bachelors, master, and law school). 

Is she crazy to want more? Aren't I good enough in terms of finance?

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I don't understand the title because that's not the question -this specific person has specific financial expectations of a future husband.  One of my friend's daughters married as a teenager to a teenager and he had already been working in the family business for 5 years so he was ready to be financially stable and the main breadwinner - 9 years later they have 3 kids and rent a large house.  This person wants an arrangement where you would be the main breadwinner and at the level she described. 

I think many many people are financially ready for marriage in their 20s.  I was by the time I was out of grad school -and I paid off my loans within 3 years of graduating.  I didn't marry till my early 40s but definitely was ready many years prior.

I personally -if it matters- find it presumptuous and arrogant on her part - and she also is entitled to want this and screen out potential mates based on the lifestyle she says she wants her husband to provide.  She's not crazy at all -she has standards that you don't meet, is all.  I personally wouldn't want to get involved with a person with this mindset but that's just me.  

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13 minutes ago, JJ262 said:

Before asking the folks here another question, update on the previous topic:

She and I went on a date and we talked about what I meant as "becoming more serious" and I told her that it meant being exclusive and she seemed to be understanding of that. She had thought that I wanted to be official lol. 

This triggered another question about my finance and if I am ready, which kinda made me question my ability and if her expectation is too high or I am just not good enough to get married....

I (M29) have been dating a girl (F30) and she's dead set on marrying and raising a kid as she is in that age. She's also getting a lot of pressure from her parents to settle down.

Eventually, the question of finance came up and I told her that I own a $700k (initial purchase) condo in downtown (now valued at $900k) , a car, and $30,000 saved up for a wedding and a new car.

However she seems to have her eyes set on buying a townhouse in a suburb and seems like what I achieved so far isn't up to her standards....

I told her that I am more than happy to sell my place to upgrade, but it seems that I have to do all the heavy lifting in terms of finance. 

Furthermore, she doesn't seem financially ready at all based on how much she tells me that she needs a raise, her choices of accessories and clothes, and her student loan (she went to university for bachelors, master, and law school). 

Is she crazy to want more? Aren't I good enough in terms of finance?

Skip the crazy talk. Ask yourself if she’s someone you can stomach waking up to each morning and whom you can see being the mother of your kids. No? Move on.

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2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You have more than enough. My husband and I married at 24 and 27 with no assets AT ALL. Still married almost 28 years later. 

Good point - it's hard when there are no assets but many do it.  My parents did, basically.  Married in their early 20s.

Edited by Batya33
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1 hour ago, JJ262 said:

Furthermore, she doesn't seem financially ready at all based on how much she tells me that she needs a raise, her choices of accessories and clothes, and her student loan (she went to university for bachelors, master, and law school). 

 

When I read the title of your post, I kind of expected this type of post and the first question that came into my mind, “what does the other side financially have to offer”.

Well, clearly from your post, actually not that much except debt. That makes me wonder where this sense of entitlement comes from? I would be very careful with taking things further with this relationship. If what you have achieved so far is not up to her standards, then what will?

Are you willing to do the heavy lifting with respect to finances for the next 35+ years, with the risk it is never good enough?

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Please excuse the long post, you kind of inspired me. 

Yah I agree with the other folks, sounds like she may not be focusing on the right thing, or she is putting the "cart before the horse."  When I got married 25 years ago we didn't have two nickels to rub together but we were both hard working and ambitious.  We lived in a rental until we could afford to buy.  But I didn't base my decision on partnership with him on financial status, nor did we have a prenup.

Were I in her shoes I would be more concerned about my own financial status and ensuring I keep up my billable hours to make it to desirable (legal and marriage) partner 😉 status ASAP so I can start buying up real estate, investing in multiple revenue streams and saving for family/retirement.  I would ignore my parents, it's not THEIR womb or their potential marriage.  They would have no say.

For the optimal marriage prospect, the three biggies are supposedly sex, children, and finance.  You have to be of close mindset or at a bare minimum in reasonable ballpark on the three or the weakest link will break the bond.

As a career woman, I would not even consider marriage unless I could "hold my own" financially.  With what you have achieved in such a short time, you are sitting pretty and I sure do hope you are not in a hurry to get married.  Life is long, the world is wide, and there is a counterpart out there who has as much income and as little debt as you do.

Were i in your shoes, and did decide to marry this person (or anyone who cannot match you in the money department), I would have a prenup for sure.  You have earned your assets and should shield them.  This way if you do have children and something happens, at least you can ensure your children, not your ex, will benefit.

Disclaimer:  There isn't enough space on this page to write all I'm sure you wanted to, so we only get a small slice of the big picture.  If I seized upon a detail incorrectly I am sure you will clarify... but for now, mostly, if I were in your shoes I'd let this one fade away and remain open for the real woman warrior that can match you in every arena.  Might be more challenging, but in the end more satisfying and sustainable than wondering if YOU are enough.  You'll be too busy worshiping her independence and marveling at her business acumen while she is admiring you and loving the heck out of you.

 

 

Edited by spinstermanquee
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The best thing you both can do is seek out a financial planner. They can review your investments and debts, look over your spending, your expectations and work out a schedule to reach your goals. Let them hit her with the reality that in order to get where you want to go, there will be a need for changes in how you both spend and save money.

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2 hours ago, JJ262 said:

 . . . I told her that it meant being exclusive and she seemed to be understanding of that. She had thought that I wanted to be official lol. 

lol indeed

If she doesn't even want to be "official" (whatever that means) with you then she definitely doesn't want to marry you so you're worrying for nothing.

 

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You know, I suddenly thought of another thing:  she is focusing on what is on the outside of you, not the inside.  That seems to be how she was raised - her parents will judge her based on husband, children, house in the burbs.  All OUTWARD signs of success.  What are the inward signs?

You can also ask that same question of yourself.  What are you focused on about her?  Is she beautiful, wears nice clothes, will you make pretty kids?  Does she possess any innate qualities that would make a wonderful spouse, good mother, trusted financial steward?

What would an ideal partner be like for YOU?

Edited by spinstermanquee
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She told me that he first impression of me were very positive. I seem to possess high EQ, and over time, she finds me logical, not emotional nor possess temper. I am polite and well mannered. 

As for her, I like her because she has similar lifestyle as I do (the way we carry ourselves, dress code, and level of education...), she is independent, stands her value, not easily offended, career-driven, and attractive. 

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Oh!!!  JJ262 I apologize I forgot to include cultural implications, I've been living with them so long in my current STBX relationship that I totally neglected to ask.  Do you two have cultural differences as far as birth countries, origins, family dynamics, expectations about family life, etc.?  (You don't have to give specifics, just general responses.)   Sorry right now I live in the US and all my responses are based on the culture here

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Hey spinstermanquee

No... I don't think there's a huge cultural difference. I am East Asian who immigrated to Canada as a kid (12 years old)

She was born in Canada, but also East Asian. 

We both have similar family dynamics, but she seems to be closer to her parents than I am. 

I speak 3 languages, but she only speaks English. She seems to be under pressure to settle down. 

She is lawyer and I did a career change in 2020 from being a white collar at a tech company to being an aircraft maintenance engineer. 

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Geez, OP, she sounds awful.

Do you want to enjoy simpatico with someone who owns the capacity to see you through the RIGHT lens and 'gets you' and appreciates you as a human being?

Or are you willing to sell out to someone who's looking for some dumb sucker to bankroll her future?

You barely know this person, and the questions she raises already aren't just a red flag, they're a giant neon sign of trouble.

The RIGHT woman for you will not be cause for financial anxiety, she'll be a celebration! And she'll view you as a celebration, too.

Head high, and I hope you'll see the light quickly.

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You've only been dating 60 days?? 😲 .... and already she has her whole life mapped out with you, buying a townhouse and having kids.  Man, she really sounds entitled.  Whatever you do, do NOT give up your condo and buy a townhouse.  Sixty days of dating.  You hardly know this woman.  You can start talking about marriage after maybe two years of dating (preferably more), but right now you're still getting to know each other.

Way too many red flags. Personally, I would drop this entitled woman like a hot potato.

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She sounds like she wants to be a trophy wife.... like she wants a man to buy her everything while she just looks hot.

You seem like you certainly have things together. What you listed, in my opinion, is more than enough to get started.

 

What do YOU want? Do you want to have to keep her afloat and do all the heavy lifting? Does she plan on contributing significantly? 

 

Honestly, if she is giving you those impressions for good reason, RUN. That is probably part of the reason she does not have any kids yet. She might be a "I know my worth" type.... but in reality it's they want someone to put them on a pedestal. . 

 

Run! lol

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On 1/24/2022 at 6:15 AM, kim905 said:

Before asking the folks here another question, update on the previous topic:

She and I went on a date and we talked about what I meant as "becoming more serious" and I told her that it meant being exclusive and she seemed to be understanding of that. She had thought that I wanted to be official lol. 

This triggered another question about my finance and if I am ready, which kinda made me question my ability and if her expectation is too high or I am just not good enough to get married....

I (M29) have been dating a girl (F30) and she's dead set on marrying and raising a kid as she is in that age. She's also getting a lot of pressure from her parents to settle down.

Eventually, the question of finance came up and I told her that I own a $700k (initial purchase) condo in downtown (now valued at $900k) , a car, and $30,000 saved up for a wedding and a new car.

However she seems to have her eyes set on buying a townhouse in a suburb and seems like what I achieved so far isn't up to her standards....

I told her that I am more than happy to sell my place to upgrade, but it seems that I have to do all the heavy lifting in terms of finance. 

Furthermore, she doesn't seem financially ready at all based on how much she tells me that she needs a raise, her choices of accessories and clothes, and her student loan (she went to university for bachelors, master, and law school). 

Is she crazy to want more? Aren't I good enough in terms of finance?

Massive af red flag, ditch immediately.

But to answer your question, usually a man in his late 20s or 30 yrs old that owns a house + car, has a steady income i.e low 6 figures is more than enough for the average woman to consider him financially viable for marriage.

Anyone wanting more than that is probably too materialist, a gold digger or has rich parents and high living standards, all 3 of which you're not gonna be able to afford unless you're making 7 figures.

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On 1/24/2022 at 10:38 AM, kim905 said:

Hey spinstermanquee

No... I don't think there's a huge cultural difference. I am East Asian who immigrated to Canada as a kid (12 years old)

She was born in Canada, but also East Asian. 

We both have similar family dynamics, but she seems to be closer to her parents than I am. 

I speak 3 languages, but she only speaks English. She seems to be under pressure to settle down. 

She is lawyer and I did a career change in 2020 from being a white collar at a tech company to being an aircraft maintenance engineer. 

Dude shes a lawyer, she should be making 6 figures and probably more than u, why doesn't she have her own house and car by now? U 2 are the same age, ***? Red flag af.

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On 1/23/2022 at 12:15 PM, kim905 said:

Is she crazy to want more? Aren't I good enough in terms of finance?

If you're asking how much money you need to provide a woman in order to get married, then you're looking for a trophy wife. You better be prepared to negotiate.

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As per your post she is marrying you for money not for love. And what is she bringing to the table? I dont know where love is. It is all about satisfing her and what cost. Leave it and get out before you get hurt and obviously confused. Look more loving and caring partner.

 

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