Should I cut my parents off?

[janet99]

For as long as I remember I had a volatile relationship with my family. 

My mom used to abuse me emotionally a lot growing up (cursing me, belittling, making fun of me, comparing me to others, saying she wished she aborted me, or that if she saw me dying she woudnt lift a finger etc). Making me feel guilty that she paid for my private school, put a roof over my head, fed me, etc. 

I remember even when I used to be sick no one really cared or showed affection.Btw im an only child. And i dont have any other family apart from those 3 people. As fas as i know my mom hates my dads side of the family, they are pretty messed up and they are not interested to keep in contact with me.

 

Something I remember and still scares me until this day was when I was 6, my dad molested me. Like he touched me in my private parts. I didnt understand and went and told my grandma, i remember feeling ashamed and i said dont tell mom because im scared. Then, my grandma (my mom’s mom, who was basically raising me since my parents were at work), so she actually did tell my mom, and my mom took me to the table infront of everyone and asked me if it was true. I was so nervous I started to laugh. And everyone was so angry I said no. But then a year later when my mom and grandma traveled for my grandpas funeral, I was alone with my dad. My mom’s colleagues from work used to come everyday to babysit me. I remember one day I woke up in the middle of the night and found my dad sleeping shirtless beside me. Then a few days later when my grandma came back she kept asking me if anything strange happened and i said i dont know. She claimed to have found spots of blood on my underwear and asked if he slept beside me to which i said yes. Since then me and my dad had an awkward relationship, and so was his with my grandma. My grandma even took  me to a gyno for a checkup and they said i was fine. She told me not to tell my mom but i did, it slipped, and then my granda was mad and emotionally abused me as well 

 

In my teens the abuse got worse emotionally, and physically. Both my mom abd dad would hit me. And would go on for months not speaking to me. At school i was doing well. Above average student, had lots of friends. 

 

At 16 I started to work outside and made friends with college kids. My parents hated that i was outside and kept trying to find reasons to ground me, though at some point they werent even taking me to school anymore.At some point i went to the cops, bloodied and bruised. i came home one day after work at 11pm and went to sleep becase i had exams the next day. my mom beated me because she thought i was high. but i was not. the cops didnt help, they called in my parents and said if you think she is on drugs here is the paper you can take to a lab and they will test her (ps we are living in an arab country). i did not invite them to my graduation because they had made my entire high school life a living hell. 

Then after graduation I was around finding jobs, I was unable to go to university. When i finally did at 19, i moved across the world to be away from them with some friends i knew there. I even had a semi scholarship but my problem was the alcoholism and drug abuse. I could not stop drinking and taking pills. I had been to many psychiatrist and diagnosed with borderline, my grades were good but my health was deteriorating. At the end i just couldnt continue and ended up back in the same hell hole. In the whole while, my dad was cheating and spending money on his girlfriends and telling people he was separated and talking sh*t about my mom and about me as well . (saw the proof). He was also driving 2 cars, he bought one and was renting the  latest volvo at the time. I couldnt handle the abuse and one day i struck back and hit my mom with a vase on her head. my dad took advantage and called the cops and threw beer on me, so i could reek of liquor. the cops arrested me for 3 days and i went to court and had a fine of $100. they let me go because after taking me to the lab, my blood showed no traces of alcohol or drugs.

So at 21 I finally moved out, but my family wouldnt stop harassing me. 

My grandma is constantly guilt tripping me into coming back everytime she talks to me. My mom didnt stop calling me, and my dad is constantly asking me for money. My mom was unemployed for 2 years now, and my dad keeps getting kicked out of jobs. Moreover he got them both in debts over $80,000. He is trying to ask my bestfriend since kindergarten for money, and she wants me to move back in and give her the money i give to my rented flat so she could pay a court case she has, because of my dadI tried to help and loaned them around $2,500. But they have no intention of giving it back it seems and when i came over, my dad was in a fit of rage and started screaming and breaking things and pushing my mom and it was a mess.

I just dont know what to do because I have become so numb I dont think I even know what is right or what is wrong 

And no i didnt go to therapy in a while because of the money problems but I do take my medicine. I only take zoloft 200mg and all others i cant tolerate. I still drink heavily but I work hard from home, I have my own business that is doing very well. But i still choose to stay home and hide and not see anyone. I talk to my close friends regularly, and work on my business where my clients are very happy. I did have a few terrible breakups over the years, that ended up in no contact. It was definitely my fault but my partners were not entirely innocent either because generally i did get attracted to toxic people and i was one too.

Now that im older they dont abuse me the way they used to. They havent hit me in years or said bad things to me in a while. Their hatred is fueled towards each other mostly. anywho I remember asking my dad back for the loan a few days ago, and he started screaming at me and 

 

I need insight on my parents? What should i do? 

[SherrySher]

In order to be healthy and to learn what real love is and what it's not supposed to be, and to finally heal...you need to block so they cannot contact you, move, don't let them know where you are, and get them out of your life.

They have caused so much trauma that it's overwhelming to even read it.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, janet99 said:

my problem was the alcoholism and drug abuse. I could not stop drinking and taking pills. I had been to many psychiatrist and diagnosed with borderline. hit my mom with a vase on her head. the cops arrested me . i didnt go to therapy in a while because of the money problems but I do take my medicine. I only take zoloft 200mg and all others i cant tolerate. I still drink heavily

Distance yourself from your family and most of all get sober.

[catfeeder]

Dear Janet,
I'm inspired by your strength, and my heart goes out to you.

The last part of your post appears cut off mid sentence, so I'm not quite sure what you are asking.

I can appreciate why you'll want to cut all abusive contact and not subject yourself to seeing your parents in person.

While I don't view it as moralistically wrong to cut off your parents, I do caution against future psychological impacts of a total bridge-burn, especially once either of them dies and you cannot un-do the choice.

However, before you make any permanent decisions, you CAN practice the skill of enforcing strong boundaries. You can stop contacting them, and should they contact you, you can clearly state that while you welcome any calls to catch up and be kind to one another, you will cut off any calls that turn cruel, and, you will not be badgered into sending them any money.

I'm not clear as to your physical distance. Do you live near them, and do you fear that they might stalk you with physical harassment?

Do you have a clear goal you're trying to achieve, and if so, how can we help?

[Wiseman2]

On 1/23/2022 at 9:38 AM, janet99 said:

   one day i struck back and hit my mom with a vase on her head.  the cops arrested me.

You really need appropriate psychiatric care.

[Cherylyn]

If you can afford to cut them off, do it.  Being economically strong will always give you financial independence.