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I am hours away from breaking up with my girlfriend... help.


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Hello! I am currently a college student on a 3 year and 3 month long relationship with my girlfriend.

I am writing this probably a couple of hours before having that ugly talk with my girlfriend, in which I am going to lay all the cards in the table and see how we proceed. Most probably, a break up or time off will be in order.

I have been dancing with the idea of breaking up with her for some months, and it just became a real thing I have given much thought to, 3 weeks ago. However, I can't help but feel that my reasons make me an a**hole.

I'm going to tell you a lot about myself and about her, so you can understand who we are and how I feel.

See, I am a high-achieving international Computer Science student in the US, on a dream. I came here with a full 4-year tuition scholarship due to my excelling academic and extra curricular records. I have a lot of dreams I work daily towards, one of them is becoming a Virtual Reality developer for which just yesterday I got my dream paid student job as a creative developer in a research center. I have a lot hobbies and things I am passionate about like backpacking, rock climbing, coding, gaming, and learning. I love and value learning so much, and spend hours reading about history like Ancient Greece, Norse Mythology, Napoleonic Wars; about Philosophy, Physics and Astrophysics, technology, genetics, etc... Even if I was not interested in it before, I still have a deep value for learning something new, from anyone. I am not the nicest person because I think nobody should be, and have never ever been afraid of being an a**hole to someone that deserves it; of burning bridges with people that do not help me grow; of being completely selective of my relationships, even if that leaves me with just a few of them. I have a lot of ideals I live by and things I value on other people. I am a true atheist. I value reasoning and an eager to learn and share; I value science; I value when people have goals and aspirations in life; I value myself over everything, and many other things. And most importantly, I am absolutely happy and in love with life!

I am not telling you this to lift my ego and feel important, I simply want you to see who I am and maybe you can understand what I feel and help me understand if I am correct to feel it.

My girlfriend is a completely different person. We have absolutely nothing in common. She is in a constant depression I supported for years, but at this point I just don't have the energy, will, and skill set to do so anymore, and she has realized that too and stopped supporting herself on me. She has absolutely no goals or values in life, she lives by no ideals, she has not one hobby other than buying clothes online and uploading pretty instagram aesthetic pics. She does not take any care of herself (and I know it is probably not her fault, but I have given her a million options, or simply just tried to be there and see if she begins her healing path on her own, but nope). I realized I have probably not been in love with her for months. I am not interested in her, at all. She lives in this toxic cycle of hating herself because she has no friends; wanting, NEEDING to party and live her college life (even if she can't because she doesn't know anyone or gets invited to any parties); and spending 10 hours a day on Tik Tok. She is the type of person that will cry herself to sleep at night because she has no friends; and I am the type of person happy at night because I have very few, selected, worth-it relationships that bring value to my life.

Apart from our differences, I have always had trouble getting her to learn how to communicate. I am great at listening, creating safe spaces, at making others feel heard and important, finding solutions, and I continuously inform myself and read about communication techniques, the psychology of relationships, childhood trauma, and other things that I feel help me be a better person in my relationship. She does not, and constantly made me feel unheard, unimportant, and unable to communicate, to the point at which I stopped caring about those same things and stopped putting in the energy to maintain my relationship, a month or two ago.

(Side note: I know that way I talk about her here sound so disrespectful and mean, and might make you think I talk to her like that too and abuse her. I 100% do not, this is me airing out what I have felt for a while, but I have never said or implied these things before, because I do care for her wellbeing and her feelings.)

We are two completely different persons, and I am realizing that I have stuck by her for so long because subconsciously I have been "waiting" for her to change, wanting to change her, or finding comfort in the idea that she might change in the future. But a relationship should not be about that. I should not want to change my girlfriend, and even if I should, deep down I know she won't. I care for her, I love her family, but we are simply not made for each other.

At this point, what is keeping me from breaking up is the fear I am doing it out of an impulse and that I will regret it; as well as not wanting to deal with all the changes that will come, with all the sad goodbye conversations I will have with her siblings and family; with what I think I will feel on future when she is with someone else; I don't even know. I guess I'm just afraid of what will happen next. But hey, there are no impulses with a 3 week long thought process, right? lol

I have not seen my girlfriend in these past three weeks, the first half of it she was visiting her family, and the other half I have made up excuses to not see her because I realized that these were some HAPPY three weeks, and I didn't want to end that due to 'the talk' I must have. I was happy, not because of her absence. Maybe I could have been equally happy with her, but still... postponing seeing her seemed like the best thing for me.

Writing all this, I realize the answer is pretty simple. I am just having trouble with the fact that I might end my relationship not out of, for example, someone cheating or doing something bad that MAKES either of us end it. The relationship could perfectly continue, but I just see no future or nothing better coming out of it. Things will just continue declining, and this will hurt her even more. I guess that what I would like to get your opinion on is, am I okay to feel these things? Am I an a**hole? Or is there maybe something you think I need to fix and work on, that will allow me to appreciate my girlfriend and be happy in my relationship? Do you agree that we are simply not compatible?

I will really do my best to not hurt my girlfriend when I lay the cards on the table, and need to be very selective of what things to say and not to say. Any tips, perhaps?     

I'm also afraid that ending the relationship will have a huge negative effect on her mental health, and now there will be absolutely nobody to support her. She confessed to me about 5 months ago that she had a suicidal thought at night (her first one ever, she said), and immediately sought professional health after (she only went to ONE session with a psychotherapist and said she didn't like it. Never went back but did improve a bit...). Is it my responsibility to stay for her until she is better (which might take years)? Or to speak with someone on her family so that she is supported? How can I ensure she is okay afterwards, without also completely sacrificing myself?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Edited by ab02
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39 minutes ago, ab02 said:

I have been dancing with the idea of breaking up with her for some months, and it just became a real thing I have given much thought to, 3 weeks ago. 

She lives in this toxic cycle of hating herself .I am realizing that I have stuck by her for so long because subconsciously I have been "waiting" for her to change.

It's better to set yourselves free than stick with an incompatible untenable situation and resenting it or stringing her along.

Incompatibility is a good reason to cut your losses. All you need to do is be kind diplomatic and not make promises or try to be friends or offer hope for sometime in the future.

Use a "It's me, not you" approach, because it is you. Simply state that you're not compatible and need to focus on your studies and profession.

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It's common to outgrow a relationship during the decade of your twenties, because it's a big time of self-growth, leaving the teens to become an adult, and the adult brain not completely maturing until age 25. 

Your fears are common ones that most think about, but they are no reason to stay. You have lost respect for her because of her interests which you consider a waste of time. Free her to find someone who respects her and likes her just as she is. You're not doing her any favors by staying.

Her lack of a support system is her own doing, and if she hasn't continued to seek therapy, that's her decision to make as an adult. No, I wouldn't delay a breakup. If she tries manipulation and threatens suicide, tell her you'll be calling 911. If you truly fear for her, after the breakup, call her parent to let them know to keep an eye on her because of her suicidal thought.  

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7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Use a "It's me, not you" approach, because it is you. Simply state that you're not compatible and need to focus on your studies and profession.

These are some very common and simple words, but I had not thought about them and think seeing things this way will really help! Thank you.

 

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Your fears are common ones that most think about, but they are no reason to stay. You have lost respect for her because of her interests which you consider a waste of time. Free her to find someone who respects her and likes her just as she is. You're not doing her any favors by staying.

Damn, you have no idea how much I needed to hear these exact words! They made me feel so much better, and I agree with them completely. Thank you thank you

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1 hour ago, ab02 said:

She has absolutely no goals or values in life, she lives by no ideals, she has not one hobby other than buying clothes online and uploading pretty instagram aesthetic pics. 

loll don't worry too much about her, the line of men to date her will be long.  

I assume you are already interested in someone else?

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I think you’re over complicating this and just - please - get over yourself a wee bit ok ?  Please don’t try to teach another adult how to communicate unless you’re their therapist or speech language pathologist. (That really struck me )

It’s hard to break up.  There are huge benefits to the status quo. But it’s simple.  You’re not into her.  You don’t admire or respect her.  It’s no fun anymore.  

No need to list all your accomplishments and inner contemplation of your navel or your smarts. It’s ok if two people are no longer a match. It really is.  Set her free with simplicity. No big talk. No big words.
No verbiage and no promises of friendship since friends presumes respecting and admiring the other person.  You don’t.

Set her free and you do your thing and aspire to do this cleanly and with as little drama as possible. No need to convince yourself that you’re right to do this.  You’re right cause you’re not into her. The end.  Good luck to you. 

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It's not that complicated.

You are not right for one another. You care for one another but that doesn't mean you two are compatible.

I agree, do not offer a "break" or a "time out", do not offer to remain "friends" and do not tell her you'll always be there for her. Saying those things will make it worse.

Simply say that while you care for her, you feel you two are not right for one another and you have decided to end the relationship. Don't kiss her. If she asks for a hug, give her a brief, friendly hug but don't prolong it.

She will likely cry, but don't allow that to sway you. Stay calm and determined.

If she threatens suicide, tell her you are concerned and will notify her parents so they can get her some help. 

Hopefully it will go better than you think it will.

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YOU are not in control of anything she does or how she'll react.  Yes, she;s negative and will be unless or until she seeks some prof help.  You are not her therapist/doctor.

I see this as she is putting a damper on your life and you've been pulling away.  That's understandable.. Yes, people can 'bring us down', for sure.

You have your rights and I feel this has just come to an end.  People end relationships all the time.. because it just doesn't feel right anymore.. and for numerous reasons.  You don't need to see it as wrong, just because there's no cheating etc. It just isn't working out between you two anymore.. Then be done.

Don't drag it on anymore than it has to.  The way to do it was mentioned above.  Be clear, be honest.

Write how you want to do it on paper or something and do your best to be in the right mindset.

Yeah, it'll be hard for a while.. it's normal. Because you care, but you're not  'in love'.

 

 

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You don't need to build a case in order to exit a relationship that's not working for you.

You don't need to appeal to any imaginary judge and jury. Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

You don't need to sell the person you're leaving on accepting the breakup, because all adult relationships are voluntary, and you no longer volunteer to be in it.

Tell the woman that if she threatens self harm, you will call the police, and mean it.

I understand that this is difficult, and we all need to play the temporary role of the 'bad guy' in order to leave a relationship. It's unfortunate, and it's painful to cause someone pain, but it's also the right thing to do.

Head high, and you will thank yourself later.

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You’re not the air she breathes. I’m not saying this to be harsh or mean. I’m saying this so you step back and realize it’s okay to exit a relationship regardless of her mental state. She will be just fine without you, she was fine before you, wasn’t she? 
 

please exit the relationship as you are not doing you both any favors as you are no longer interested. 

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