Jump to content

I am a Terrible Human Being *Trigger Warning*


Laspie22
 Share

Recommended Posts

I need help! Serious help! This is something that has been on my mind constantly for five years. It stems from my mid-teens. I am 22 now and I am horrified about my past. Since the incident at 17, I never done something like that since.

Around 13 I had discovered pornography on tube sites. I had standard fantasies about female peers at school from then on. Between 15-17, things took a horrific turn. Along with sexual fantasies about students in my grade, I had a few periods where I had sickening fantasies of prepubescent children that would last for a couple of months at a time.

At 15, the deviant thinking consisted with viewing drawn child sexual exploitation imagery on google for 2-3 months along with disturbing thoughts. When I was 16, it was stories depicting child sexual abuse for 3 months.  I stumbled across actual CSEM on instagram. Although I reported the disgusting accounts to NCMEC, I still masturbated to those depraved images. That went on for 2 days.

At 17, it was visiting a couple of CSEM websites on the dark-web. That tapered off after a month and came to a halt after 3 1/2.  

I want to die after having seen such evil disturbing imagery. Those were CHILDREN who were exploited, abused and now have to live with the knowledge that there are predators out there who have enjoyed their trauma. Whilst I never downloaded anything let alone possessed/bought any of that filth, even the mere visit to such websites adds hits and page views which supports thus heinous stuff.

I have those memories still and I can't unsee it. I wan't to claw my eyes out and forget this stuff even exists. I want to do graphic violent things to anyone who finds a child sexually attractive.

I can't trust anyone anymore. After seeing how prevalent this is, I am paranoid that every male I come across is attracted to that disturbing filth. I have been told to let it go by my family and professionals, but I can't fathom being such a hideous monster.

It's hopeless. Those children will never be able to move on. That's the primary cause of despair. I will never be able to date or have a relationship ever again if someone knew what horrible thing I did. I can never forgive myself and will never be happy again after seeing something that disturbing. The masturbation to it was horrific. I am worse than scum. I would rather have killed someone than this - that's how messed up it is. 

EDIT 1: It took a lot of effort not to curse and swear. This is an extremely emotional subject. 5 years feels like yesterday.

Edited by Laspie22
Link to comment
Share on other sites

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What professionals have you seen about this?

I can name a few.

At 18, I divulged this information to the autism pediatrician I was seeing at the time.

At 21, It was someone who recommended me to EMDR therapy and who dealt with trauma and sexual issues/addictions. 

This year is was the stopit now organisations (both uk and america) and a hypnotherapist/doctor.

This being done to try and process intense anger, fear and sadness. Turning into cold rage at the 'people' who make such horrible things available.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Much of this is outside of your control. But you can control your behavior. You can choose not to do violence, and you can choose not to visit those sites any longer. It's clear that you have to work through a lot of anger. But that is also something that you can choose to do.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Much of this is outside of your control. But you can control your behavior. You can choose not to do violence, and you can choose not to visit those sites any longer. It's clear that you have to work through a lot of anger. But that is also something that you can choose to do.

I did exactly that. I do not visit those sick websites and haven't since May 2017. When I think about the twisted individuals that use CSEM/CP websites and I just feel utter disgust and anger towards their existence. I despise people like that on a personal level. 
Since then I have viewed adult imagery and only such imagery featuring adults about 2000 times.

What do you mean by much of this is out of control? I am not sure what you meant by that.

 

Edit: Apologies if I am coming off as hostile, it's just that I'm mentally exhausted about this having this memory replay in my head all the time. 

Edited by Laspie22
Came off as a bit hostile in post, apologized in case I did
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, Laspie22 said:

What do you mean by much of this is out of control? I am not sure what you meant by that.

The emotions you feel are outside of your control. The actions of other people are outside of your control. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

The emotions you feel are outside of your control. The actions of other people are outside of your control. 

You are right about that. The anger, sadness, disgust and distress, they just flare up out of nowhere. My mind wonders to that moment in time and those feelings of anger, and being dirty arise. I imagine a future where I get into a relationship and explain this and it gets triggered. I question myself 24/7.  

The second paragraph does make sense. In the case of others actions, they are responsible for making them. But it really sucks that stuff like that happens.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Laspie22 said:

At 18, I divulged this information to the autism pediatrician I was seeing at the time.

Continue seeing your physician as well as qualified therapist regarding guilt, obsessions and other things that are currently affecting you. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It might help to address some degree of rage and other emotions that feel out of control by researching, joining or contributing to causes that work to fight the problem.

This doesn't mean you need to immerse yourself in the issues, which can have a detrimental effect, but rather you can contribute to whatever degree feels appropriate for you--even if it's just financial.

Not only would I continue working with a therapist who specializes in this area, I'd ask for an intensive schedule until I'm ready to attempt fewer sessions.

My goal would be to learn how to stop feeding free-floating rage by adopting approaches toward more productive solutions, instead.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 hours ago, catfeeder said:

 

It might help to address some degree of rage and other emotions that feel out of control by researching, joining or contributing to causes that work to fight the problem.

 

This was something that I have had on my mind for a while. Doing that means I can help contribute to saving children's lives from being destroyed. I have already made donations to the NCMEC child protection charity, THORN and the Child Rescue Coalition. As a hobby perhaps research software or algorithms that can help put a stop to this social evil when time allows. The exception would be anything that requires me to see CSEM. I lost that option years ago by going against my core values.

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Not only would I continue working with a therapist who specializes in this area, I'd ask for an intensive schedule until I'm ready to attempt fewer sessions.

I have seen a hypnotherapist and two psychologists. It has helped get me out of a really dark and depressive mindset last year and allowed me to detach from the memories. But this cuts deep so you're right It will take a lot to heal this massive scar. I'm not sure what you meant by a therapist who specialises in this area though.

 

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My goal would be to learn how to stop feeding free-floating rage by adopting approaches toward more productive solutions, instead.

The strong emotions that have arisen from the memory of what I did all those years ago and the trust and pessimism it is made me think of humanity as a whole had consumed me. I became sexually promiscuous, looking for hookups with women at adult bookstores, using psychedelics to cope (substance abuse?) and hanging around toxic individuals who are angry also. Professionals have helped me stop all of this. I'm in the process if redirecting all of this, even though the process is painstakingly slow and I fall sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually (Guide To Building Her Interest And Sexual Attraction)
      Learn how to make a woman want you sexually! In today's video we're talking about sexual attraction and how you make a woman want you! We're going to be discussing some useful tips you can put to work to get a woman interested in you and building that sexual desire. Often men think they know exactly what women want, men in sports cars with big houses a big wallet and a bad boy attitude. This might be what the ladies want in movies but not in real life it's very different. To know what a lady wants you need to understand what you need to do to make her want you sexually. Imagine if you knew the secret formula to do this, the one that tells you exactly what women want sexually. The formula would let you know exactly what you need to do to get a woman to fall into your arms, sounds too good to be true right? Well it's not! It's as easy as being mindful of your own behaviour and adopting steel-proof boundaries. Want to know some more? Well don't move an inch.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to know when he's really fallen in LOVE
      You’re falling in love with your man deeper every day, but you don’t know if he feels the same way for you. It’s natural to want to know his feelings for you. What happens when he doesn’t say it or he’s not the type to say that? His actions tell you he loves you, but you could be wrong, right? So how do you know when he’s really in love with you? It’s not always so easy, but it’s not impossible either!

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Psychological Secrets of Attraction
      Knowing whether or not someone is “into you” can be incredibly difficult if they don’t explicitly say it. In this video, we will be looking at some psychological secrets of attraction.

       
      • 0 replies
    • This Healing Mindset That Helps Overcome Trauma Symptoms
      If you grew up with neglect and abuse, you've needed time to talk about what happened, and how parents and others treated you. But THEN what? Once you've acknowledged the past and gained an understanding of how you developed symptoms of trauma, how can you overcome those symptoms, and move forward with building a happy and fulfilled life? In this video I teach about the two general categories of comments I see on my channel, and what that suggestions about the commenter's readiness to heal.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "I Want A Girlfriend" Do THIS First
      I want a girlfriend. Have you ever found yourself thinking "I want a girlfriend" but you're not quite sure if you're actually ready for one? Before you go about doing anything else it's important to make sure that you actually need a girlfriend right now.

       
        • Like
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...