Jump to content

Is this just casual or does he want something more serious with me? Advice?


freeinsight95
 Share

Recommended Posts

Matched with a guy on bumble and we seem very much into each other. On his profile, it said 'don't know yet' about what he wants, mine said casual. Anyway, we message a lot, he takes a lot of interest in my family/friends, and just things about me/what I'm up to. He often says that we seem quite similar too; almost uncanny how similar we are. We had our first date last week and we both seemed nervous. He said I was the most attractive person there. Used the term 'first date' instead of just hanging out. Ended up sleeping together. Very affectionate and not remotely distant intimate wise, lots of kissing etc. Offered to make me breakfast the next day. Dropped me home. Said he wants to see me again and we could possibly see a movie/picnic. Immediately messaged me after he dropped me home. We then went on our second date last night and did mini golf and I slept back at his and we were our usual, very affectionate and complimentary to each other. This was the second time I briefly said hello to his parents. We've messaged almost every day since and he immediately messages me after our 'dates'. He often sends goodnight messages to me as well. Drops hints about us dating like 'I wouldn't want a guy to do that to a girl I'm dating'. He said he's free this Sunday again and possibly we can go to the beach. Hold each others hands while we drive. Speaks a tiny bit about his ex which ended 6 months ago and claims she's not near my league. Gives me forehead kisses in bed and head rubs. Last night something came up about casual sex and he almost indicated that I was surprised I slept with him on the first date and tiny bit asked if that is something I do often - in a diplomatic way. Something came up about my ex and he said he's glad I'm not with the guy anymore otherwise we wouldn't have met.

However, I noticed and I shouldn’t probably be looking that he followed his ex on Instagram, I think today? He sent me a message a week or so again claiming that he was angry as he found out she may have cheated and called her boring and bad in bed. They owned a house together. When I saw him the other day, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok in regards to the house I assume. No change in communication, still lots of texting and photos of what he's up to.

Advice? Is this just strictly casual?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, freeinsight95 said:

  They owned a house together. When I saw him the other day, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok in regards to the house I assume. 

Where does he live now? Why are you saying hi to his parents when you sleep over?

Is he still in a relationship with her? What do you mean by "casual"?

Try some dates that don't end in sleeping over his parents house.

He's either still in a relationship or on the rebound so proceed with caution.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where does he live now? Why are you saying hi to his parents when you sleep over?

Is he still in a relationship with her? What do you mean by "casual"?

Try some dates that don't end in sleeping over his parents house.

He's either still in a relationship or on the rebound so proceed with caution.

He's currently living with his parents as the house is still getting built I believe. As far as I'm concerned, he's been single for 6 months now. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well he wants to take you on dates so there is that. So see how it progresses further and whether he even wants relationship at all. Also, I wouldnt take his compliments or that he is affectionate toward you as a sign of seriousness. That just means that he is affectionate, not that he wants a relationship with you.

Also, I would look all that talk about his ex as a read flag. "Trash talking" that much means that he is not nearly get over her. And that he has some serious "baggage" regarding her.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What he talks about is what's on his mind. His ex is on his mind, and being angry with her about betrayal shows his feelings are in the present about her. His heart has one chamber still filled with her, so he's not fully capable of giving his full heart to anyone. 

Many women start to bond with a man, even if he's not right for her, if they are intimate. Here's an excerpt from an article explaining why: 

A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone’. This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more, says Dr Arun Ghosh, a GP specialising in sexual health at the Spire Liverpool Hospital.

It’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy. Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex. 

Successful dating requires two people who have the same dating goals. One major problem with you two is that your goals are extremely vague.

What does "casual" mean to you? My definition would be that you're enjoying each other's company when available for activities and sex, and that you can do the same with anyone else because you're not exclusive, and there is no goal for long term. There are no rules for often one should communicate. Seeing each other could stop at any time without the drama of the whys, or begging for another chance, etc. So in my definition, why would you care if he was communicating with an ex, looking at her Instagram, or even having sex with her because he's a free agent, just as you are?

If your definition of casual is different than mine, what is it? Get real with yourself about what you really want, and then have standards that align with your dating goals. If you go into a dating situation knowing a guy's goal is different than yours but hope he will change his mind because you're terrific, you're being naive.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you asking this if both of you weren't focused on looking for a serious relationship and both of you decided to have sex when you first met (thank goodness you weren't raped, assaulted, harmed -what a risky choice!!)

A person who wants to be with you in a serious way will not risk dropping hints.  He will be simple and direct that he wants to see only you, and stop looking to date others. Especially if he's comfortable enough to have intercourse with you.  Why in the world would he want to risk you meeting someone else by "dropping hints" -is he subtle about wanting to have intercourse with you?

You told him you were looking for a casual arrangement.  Your actions showed the same and showed that you wanted to have sex right away with no discussion about future intentions.  He's entitled to assume that you're happy with this casual arrangement.

He lacks character and integrity the way he trash talks/gossips about his ex with you -very tacky.  How would you like it if he talked about you behind your back? How you are in bed -even if it was a compliment? And this is his first impression -wow.  I would assume he doesn't see serious potential here.  Stop reading into signs and looking at his social media.  If you want to keep having sex you risk getting more attached so if it's that good, sure, keep at it (I'd discuss though what plans there would be should you become pregnant especially since it's a casual arrangement).  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find that when someone trash talks openly about their ex it is a huge red flag and a turn off. It's called unfinished business. From what I see you are just a short term replacement, so ya rebound/casual, until he runs back to his ex which is a strong possibility. Ya they may spit venom about the ex, but deep down they still miss them/love them.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree, if they had a home, they were most likely involved a good amt of time, then it was a 'long term' relationship.

And for him to say it's been about 6 months ago they split - is not long!

Also, he's said casual on his profile, so he's not lookin for anything 'long term', but more for something to cure his boredom?

I suggest YOU be weary of this one... It can take a good while to 'be fully over' her. and yes, you may just be a rebound.  They often don't last long and they hurt in the end 😞 .

Is up to you here, on whether you're okay with a guy who's not all himself and not truly 'able' to give fully.  Are you up to being messed around because his mind is? ( yes, most often the women get emotionally invested first, not the guy).

Think wisely.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I agree, if they had a home, they were most likely involved a good amt of time, then it was a 'long term' relationship.

And for him to say it's been about 6 months ago they split - is not long!

Also, he's said casual on his profile, so he's not lookin for anything 'long term', but more for something to cure his boredom?

I suggest YOU be weary of this one... It can take a good while to 'be fully over' her. and yes, you may just be a rebound.  They often don't last long and they hurt in the end 😞 .

Is up to you here, on whether you're okay with a guy who's not all himself and not truly 'able' to give fully.  Are you up to being messed around because his mind is? ( yes, most often the women get emotionally invested first, not the guy).

Think wisely.

 

It was me that had casual on his profile, not him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Update: so he said something last night about teaching him something and I had a few drinks and decided to say that one thing I could teach him is to stop talking about her. He immediately apologised and said he would not do it again, that he doesn't want to keep in contact with her but he has to. He tried calling me as well. Said he won't talk about her again moving forward. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, freeinsight95 said:

 he doesn't want to keep in contact with her but he has to. 

You can call him out on it and complain, but it won't change his feelings, thoughts or behaviors.

He'll just stop mentioning it to you. You can't march into someone's life after 2 hookups and tell them who they can or can't talk to.

If you want "casual", as you claimed on your profile, expect hookups not BFs or exclusive dating.

If you are in denial about his previous relationship and that they are still very much talking and meeting, you take your chances.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can call him out on it and complain, but it won't change his feelings, thoughts or behaviors.

He'll just stop mentioning it to you. You can't march into someone's life after 2 hookups and tell them who they can or can't talk to.

If you want "casual", as you claimed on your profile, expect hookups not BFs or exclusive dating.

If you are in denial about his previous relationship and that they are still very much talking and meeting, you take your chances.

I didn't tell him that he cannot talk to her, just said that I didn't exactly want to hear him talking about her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/22/2022 at 1:33 AM, freeinsight95 said:

Advice? Is this just strictly casual?

There's no way to know that right now, and you shouldn't rush this evaluation. Slow down and take a BIG step back. Sure, everything seems all lovey-dovey and perfect, but you two are practically strangers. Keep reminding yourself of that.

17 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I find that when someone trash talks openly about their ex it is a huge red flag and a turn off. It's called unfinished business.

I agree!!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, freeinsight95 said:

Update: so he said something last night about teaching him something and I had a few drinks and decided to say that one thing I could teach him is to stop talking about her. He immediately apologised and said he would not do it again, that he doesn't want to keep in contact with her but he has to. He tried calling me as well. Said he won't talk about her again moving forward. 

If he has to keep in contact for house/business reasons he can use a go between and keep any one on one strictly business. If he wants to. But he doesn't owe it to you -you're someone he recently met and is dating.  If you're thinking you might want something serious with this person I'd stay sober so that you show him that the way you speak to him comes from a place of caring and also with your head in the right place.  

I am glad he said he won't mention her anymore and seems to see why that is the right way to behave around you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, freeinsight95 said:

Update: so he said something last night about teaching him something and I had a few drinks and decided to say that one thing I could teach him is to stop talking about her. He immediately apologised and said he would not do it again, that he doesn't want to keep in contact with her but he has to. He tried calling me as well. Said he won't talk about her again moving forward. 

All of this and he better be good in the sack. Was this over text message?  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, freeinsight95 said:

 just said that I didn't exactly want to hear him talking about her. 

Use this as an indication that you two are on different wavelengths. Observe that he is very much still involved with her but just wants sex for now. If you continue hoping for more you may be disappointed.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

None of us can really know, but I hope it works out for you.

If not, the message I'd take from the experience is to step back and decide whether 'casual' is really good enough for you, or whether you've just been too afraid or conditioned to admit that you are actually 'relationship' material.

Once I got clear about that, dating got so much simpler. I started screening OUT bad matches rather than trying to date them. 

I'd update my profile to 'seeking a relationship' and my first statement and question to guys I meet with would be, "I consider myself to be dating to find a good match for a long term relationship. Do you see yourself the same way?"

The answer "No," or "I don't know," would clearly be a bad match for me. I'd be kind, but I'd tell him that I like him, and if he ever decides that he's relationship material, too, he can reach out. Maybe we can catch up."

Focus on What You Want instead of settling for anyone who seems interested.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cute Flirty Texts to Impress Her/Hi...
Cute Flirty Texts to Impress Her/Him with Messages

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...