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Could feelings ever come back?


Sam560
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Hi this would be my first post here. I had an issue I’m not sure how to sort out with a girl I have feelings for so here I am I guess! 😅

I’m a 26 year old guy and have unfortunately lost a very close person in my life and don’t know what to do..

Basically right at the start of the pandemic I went through a lot of painful depression and a rejection with a girl I really liked in college and I got really depressed and felt terrible as 2020 kicked off.  But a few months later with the encouragement of a female friend I got a particular dating app and matched with a girl I’ll call Alice.   I got her number and we talked sometimes and we always got along well and enjoyed talking to one another and eventually ended up being good friends the rest of the year. She thought I was cute and really liked my personality and vise versa and wanted to go on a date, but we couldn’t actually hang until 2021 because she worked a lot of hours as a manager at a warehouse and could barely afford to live and had a very stressful life which I completely understood. 
 

We really bonded, talked on the phone and texted and we were very close. She always was there for me and it was like we’d known each other our entire lives, and she said she felt the same as well. Things were good and we always planned to finally meet one day.  We were so close and it was the most amazing thing  in the world because I understood her and she understood me very well, and we both admitted to each other that we both felt like soulmates.  The world made sense with her there and she told me she felt the same way too and it was genuine. She wanted to see me and get to know me in person. 
 

A little while later one day she told me she had to let me know she already had a guy, and that she still wanted to talk to me.  I was upset but I told her we could still talk and be friends.  It’s funny because even after she told me that it’s like we both grew even closer and I got the feeling she still liked me and we shared our hopes and dreams together. She always told me she had no one in her life who supported or helped her and I was the only one, and she was so happy I was in her life.  I know some people might think she was just leading me on but I can say for certain she wasn’t. She legitimately cared about me and liked me. All her words and actions confirmed it. She was always there for me and helped me out when I had nobody and I always did everything I could to help her. We got very close and she always helped me and told me how grateful she was I was in her life, and how I was her one and only because I was the only person in her life that supported or cared about her. She always told me she wanted to see me and didn’t want me to go or be gone from her life. She told me she was very unhappy with everything in her life and that I really helped her feel better whenever she was sad or upset for any reason. 
 

It was amazing having someone like her there. Like somebody who understood you, who thought like you and who was always saying they were there for you and wouldn’t ever go. Like somebody could be the only thing you’d ever need, someone who could take all your sadness away and replace it with happiness.. she did that for me and I let her know she did. And she was very happy she could do that for me.  Alice was really an amazing person.. I prayed for someone like her and my prayers were answered.  
 

Then finally we met. We went to a carnival and when we finally met it was amazing, like she was the lost love, the soulmate who was always out there for me. We had an amazing time and got to know one another, but it was like we already knew each other (aside from texting and phone calls) all our lives. It was amazing and she told me so much about herself, even her deepest feelings and secrets.  She wanted to hang with me again and told me she was so happy I was in her life and we planned to hang out again after that wonderful day. It was like two people destined for each other meeting, it was truly amazing. 
 

Well, after a few weeks of talking like we always did and everything being perfect, out of the blue I got a voicemail from her. She said she had some news that wasn’t good, and that she only liked me as a friend, and that she didn’t wanna cause an issue in her current relationship because of us. She said she appreciated everything I did for her but that she felt like we had to stop talking. She said she was sorry things had to end like this but she felt it was the best thing for her to do at that time...  I haven’t heard from her in a couple months and I am beyond heartbroken. 
 

I guess I just want some advice on what to do, because I feel in my heart we were soulmates, and I don’t use that word lightly.  I know it’s hard to communicate all that happened between us in just a few paragraphs but I can assure you all that we were indeed very close and she had feelings for me. I just wanted to know if there’s any advice that could help me sort this out, help me to know if there’s a chance things could go back to the way they were, or if the feelings she had for me could be rekindled? 
 

I thought as a last resort I could go to see her in person and try to talk to her, ask her what went wrong or if we could even be friends at least again. I’m just feeling very lost right now, not knowing if she’ll hate me for going to see her or what..  I just need some advice on how to sort this all out. 
 

I pray for her and for things to work out everyday, I just feel so bad that someone I was so close with could just abandon me like that.  I know some people might say to just move on but please understand we were very close. Despite having somebody already and having a difficult life she made room in her life and her heart for me. We both meant a lot to each other.  I can’t just write it all off as being all for nothing.  If anyone has some advice to offer me some hope or encouragement to try to see her again please let me know, and please keep in mind I’m a sensitive guy.  
 

Thanks for reading this and thank you for leaving any advice.  I greatly appreciate it!

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23 minutes ago, Sam560 said:

A little while later one day she told me she had to let me know she already had a guy,

This is where this all should have ended. 

She's got a boyfriend. She's not an amazing person for essentially have an emotional affair behind his back, as I am guessing he doesn't know about you. That's probably the real reason she called this all off - either he found out, or she started to feel guilty. 

Whatever you do, do not go and see her in person. She has made it clear through her subsequent silence that your presence would not be welcomed. 

You will just have to take your lumps here. You got involved with someone who isn't available to date you. She might have had feelings for you, but as long as she isn't single, it doesn't matter. It's disappointing but take it as a lesson learned - stay away from women with boyfriends. 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

This is where this all should have ended. 

She's got a boyfriend. She's not an amazing person for essentially have an emotional affair behind his back, as I am guessing he doesn't know about you. That's probably the real reason she called this all off - either he found out, or she started to feel guilty. 

Whatever you do, do not go and see her in person. She has made it clear through her subsequent silence that your presence would not be welcomed. 

You will just have to take your lumps here. You got involved with someone who isn't available to date you. She might have had feelings for you, but as long as she isn't single, it doesn't matter. It's disappointing but take it as a lesson learned - stay away from women with boyfriends. 

Hey, just caught this before I logged off. Thank you for your advice. I feel in my heart I cannot let her go despite this. But thank you. I appreciate your answer. 

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2 minutes ago, Sam560 said:

Hey, just caught this before I logged off. Thank you for your advice. I feel in my heart I cannot let her go despite this. But thank you. I appreciate your answer. 

She already let you go, OP. 

And that is out of your control. Please leave it be. It won't end will if you insist on wiggling back into her life. 

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7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She already let you go, OP. 

And that is out of your control. Please leave it be. It won't end will if you insist on wiggling back into her life. 

Hey, again I appreciate your input. It’s very difficult to see the entire picture unless you experienced it.  I still feel in my heart I have to at least try. I know we were meant for each other one way or another.   Thank you. 
 

edit: also to put in perspective, I probably shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place. It’s not right to share this issue with the world. 

Edited by Sam560
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12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to respect her wishes not to continue this, OP. 

Despite what you feel, she has drawn a boundary with you and stuck to it. Heed that. 

okay thank you. I would at least implore you to consider this: sure I could simply walk away and that’d be it. Easy, and yes she’s apparently drawn a boundary…. But what happens if i do see her and she does talk to me and the kind, compassionate, caring person I knew comes back?  What if I don’t try, and you’re wrong

 

edit: just maybe what If our hearts do connect again. That’s all I’m saying, and thank you again for your response. I do appreciate it 

Edited by Sam560
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Start focusing on other areas of your life. Obsessions like this over another person aren’t good. While heartbreak is inevitable in life, roll with the punches and stay grounded. If someone tells you it’s over, try to respect that. 

She had an emotional affair with you and you were vulnerable or at a vulnerable point in your life. Change those areas that need work. Develop more friendships, seek counsel in your faith (I saw you mention prayer) and surround yourself with your family and friends. Do not continue to obsess unhealthily over a person when they have showed you that you are, after all, not a priority.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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10 hours ago, Sam560 said:

okay thank you. I would at least implore you to consider this: sure I could simply walk away and that’d be it. Easy, and yes she’s apparently drawn a boundary…. But what happens if i do see her and she does talk to me and the kind, compassionate, caring person I knew comes back?  What if I don’t try, and you’re wrong

What if she ignores you, or tells you to go away?

There is nothing to indicate she wants further contact with you, so it's best to leave her alone rather than trying to find justifications to show up or contact her again. 

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Living mostly in cyber world is not reality. If a love interest can't physically meet with you during the first 2 to 4 weeks for ANY reason, stop communication for your own good. You falsely get a sense of closeness and it prevents you from seeking out dating in the normal way.

When she first got a bf, it was unethical for her to continue speaking to you at that point, knowing how you felt. It showed that she lacked relationship boundaries and showed a lack of caring for you, knowing you'd be suffering by the continued communication with a man who would remain frustrated and heartbroken. You can't see this truth because your infatuation is blinding you to who she is.

Either she sees her mistake now and her ethics have improved, or as the other poster said, he caught her and called her out, and her relationship is too important to throw away for someone who provided an ego boost and nothing more.

When a person is taken, they are off-limits to one who has good ethics. Strive to live by that rule, because people with poor ethics never have happy endings.

With time and distance, meaning no contact and no rereading past communication and looking at their photos, you can get over a crush.

Stay off the computer and start doing activities where you can meet single women your age who are good dating prospects. It does take more effort than cyber space, but the results are usually far more promising.

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Yes feelings can revive after time has passed, yes people get back together (happened to me!) but people who successfully get back together even if the spark has to be revived had an established relationship in the past, and shared history. For all practical purposes -for dating purposes -you met this person once and when you met her she was involved with someone else.  The feelings she may have had for you and the feelings you have for her that have to do with romance -almost all fantasy -she is a stranger for that purpose and a stranger who is committed to someone else.  

She didn't abandon you.  She was honest from the get go and you chose to get attached.  How actually would you trust this person if she agreed to date you? Wouldn't you wonder who she's chatting to online? 

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You've gotten a lot of good feedback on this.

There are so many factors at hand, showing you that she is not for you.. not in a sense of a romantic relationship.

Yes, we know where you're coming from.  Many of us have experienced someone who we felt a lot for but they didn't reciprocate.. for reasons.

If you look at the timeline, you two talking, getting to know each other better, YOU feeling this is your 'soulmate'?... Then, she admitted having a BF, because I feel she realized you were getting too emotionally attached, so she had to speak up. ( I'd hope so!).

IMO, she should never have taken it all this far, but bowed out long ago- and been honest!

Anyways, you are aware now of the circumstances with you & her.  Yes, she came to meet you, then within a short time after, she spoke up about this having to end. So, she was acting in accordance with her situation .  She felt none of this was good and by all means, I'd agree. When you are involved with someone, you don't keep other's hanging, assuming you're available and keep that up!

Do you approach her, go see her? Nooo, you steer clear away from her now, out of respect.  She made herself clear and has stopped the communication.

I am sorry, but there's nothing you can do about this but work on accepting.. I know, it hurts 😞 . It's very hard for a while to have to let go of something you became so attached to.. like I said, she should not have let this go on for so long, out of respect for you and everything at her end.

As mentioned, you need to look away from all of this, that you became so lost in, and look elsewhere.. do you have friends to hang out with? How about hobbies, get out for some air and start new.  Try reaching out & talking to other people now... Just not her.

 

 

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7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes feelings can revive after time has passed, yes people get back together (happened to me!) but people who successfully get back together even if the spark has to be revived had an established relationship in the past, and shared history. For all practical purposes -for dating purposes -you met this person once and when you met her she was involved with someone else.  The feelings she may have had for you and the feelings you have for her that have to do with romance -almost all fantasy -she is a stranger for that purpose and a stranger who is committed to someone else.  

She didn't abandon you.  She was honest from the get go and you chose to get attached.  How actually would you trust this person if she agreed to date you? Wouldn't you wonder who she's chatting to online? 

Hello Batya33, yes I completely understand. I know there are hard questions to answer.. I don’t feel like anyone understands the situation. We were very close and it was like we were meant for each other. Thank you for your input. She did care about me and liked me, she said  it many times and we were like best friends when we met.  I was weary of posting here, I guess I just felt the need to get other opinions. Thanks again and I’ll consider everything in deciding what to do next.  Thank you.  

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8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What if she ignores you, or tells you to go away?

There is nothing to indicate she wants further contact with you, so it's best to leave her alone rather than trying to find justifications to show up or contact her again. 

MissCanuck, this’ll likely be my last post. You know in the face of all this discouragement there’s one thing you might not have considered, which is that I know her, and we understood each other on another level.  Sure you can say she might ignore me, tell me to go away, slap me and so on. But I know her, and I know the kind of person she is and our hearts were very close. I know she wouldn’t do that to me if she saw me again. Maybe I didn’t lay out all the details enough, there’s so much more to this story than you can tell from my post. 
 

You know, when I’m told I can’t do something, told I’ll fail, told it’s never gonna happen, just leave it.. well, it makes me want to do it even more, and makes me want to make it happen.   I don’t know if you believe in God or destiny or soulmates but I do, and you discouraging me, I believe, is exactly what I needed to hear. 
 

I look forward to proving you wrong. 
 

Thanks. 

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I'm sorry you've chosen to continue to try to pursue her.

She very clearly said "no". To continue to pursue her and go see her in person is very disrespectful of her wishes. You would basically be saying you know better that she does what she really wants and what's best for her. You want to make this decision for her instead of paying attention to what she said.

She is not the wonderful person you think she is. She engaged in an emotional affair, hid you from her boyfriend and behaved in a dishonest manner.

She seems wonderful to you because you were (and perhaps still are) in a vulnerable place in life. With time and space you will see clearly that she is not your "soulmate" and you two are not "meant to be".

Just out of curiosity, do you fantasize about her breaking up with her boyfriend to be with you? Have you ever considered his side of this situation? 

I think the right woman for you is out there. You just haven't met her yet.

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10 hours ago, Sam560 said:

we understood each other on another level.  Sure you can say she might ignore me, tell me to go away, slap me and so on. But I know her, and I know the kind of person she is and our hearts were very close. I know she wouldn’t do that to me if she saw me again. Maybe I didn’t lay out all the details enough, there’s so much more to this story than you can tell from my post. 

That may be very true.  It's equally true she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you.  If she changes her mind she'd know how to contact you.  I still care about what happens to the long term ex I was with before my husband.  Our hearts were close for years.  There seemed to be a lot to our story too.  But what I was in denial about for so long was that we weren't a good match for marriage.  

It takes two to make a relationship happen.  There is only one person here who wants to make it happen -you.  She doesn't.  Respect that because if you are trotting out religion etc I know part of most religions is respect for human beings, and having the humility and dignity to give someone space when they want it -not forcing an interaction. 

You can tell yourself this is different, this is deeper that you can "prove" everyone wrong but that's not a mindset that has anything to do with forging a healthful friendship with someone let alone a romantic relationship. 

The "fight" is when two people really want to be together, face obstacles and face those obstacles together as a team.  This is one sided. Give her twice the space she seems to need and remind yourself this is not a situation to prove yourself.  Do that for your career, for contributing to your community, to other people.  Contribute to her by leaving her alone.

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11 hours ago, Sam560 said:

You know, when I’m told I can’t do something, told I’ll fail, told it’s never gonna happen, just leave it.. well, it makes me want to do it even more, and makes me want to make it happen.   I don’t know if you believe in God or destiny or soulmates but I do, and you discouraging me, I believe, is exactly what I needed to hear. 

If you’re going to go down this route and keep telling yourself how much of a right you have in stalking someone or pursing a person who isn’t interested in you at least own it and accept that you just can’t handle No. Don’t hide behind God for that one. 

 

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On 1/22/2022 at 6:42 AM, Sam560 said:

I guess I just want some advice on what to do

Dont get attached to girls with boyfriends!

I am sure she lay down the story very nicely for you. How she is not happy in the relationship, how she needs somebody like you, all that stuff. But at the end, yes, she was using you for attention. Maybe she misses that in the relationship, maybe she just wanted somebody to be there for her because her real  boyfriend ignores her etc. But she was using you for that.

Also, this is on you

On 1/22/2022 at 6:42 AM, Sam560 said:

A little while later one day she told me she had to let me know she already had a guy, and that she still wanted to talk to me.  I was upset but I told her we could still talk and be friends.

After months of her basicaly lying to you, you just said "OK, lets be friends". Thus loosing valuable time where you could maybe meet somebody who wasnt gona lie to you and wasting your time for her attention. Instead, yes, you should have just said "OK, bye!". Just that. Never be afraid to stand for yourself, they will at least respect you more. 

Block her and find somebody who will not lie to you and lead you around for almost 2 years while claiming she somehow cares about you. Because if she trully did, she would never do that to you.

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On 1/22/2022 at 12:42 AM, Sam560 said:

A little while later one day she told me she had to let me know she already had a guy,

This would have been THE the thing for her to start off with, not end up telling you after you've already built fantasies 'around' her--that have zero to do with who she actually is, a user.

So you overlooked this deception, and now you want to overlook her actual cut-off?

The problem with fantasy-building is that living in your head grows far more exciting than the real world. The let-down from that is crushing, because the real world seems mundane and hopeless in comparison until you can climb you way out of that hole you've dug for yourself.

So consider reality. What, exactly, do you believe would be her response to you showing up out of the blue in her real life? Do you envision her glazing over with love for you and dropping her BF and the life they've built together in that moment because you showed up?

Any room in that vision for her calling the police on you, or the BF beating you up?

 

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On 1/22/2022 at 12:42 AM, Sam560 said:

I thought as a last resort I could go to see her in person and try to talk to her, ask her what went wrong or if we could even be friends at least again.

Honestly, if you had a girlfriend and she had a "friend" who'd totally crushed on her, how would you feel if he couldn't take no for an answer, wrote a novel about her on a forum, and was bound and determined to be a part of her life, hoping to be close again, and more, if the opportunity rose?

If a friend isn't a champion to a couple, that friend needs to be totally cut off, because such a "friend" isn't truly one, and you know it. You want what's best for you, and that's selfish if it involves being unethical and speaking romantically to a taken woman. It's not a selfish goal when the partner is single and willing.

Since you bring up God, one of the 10 Commandments is not to covet thy neighbor's wife. Sound familiar, even if it's dating we're speaking of and not marriage?

There's a possibility she sensed how intense you were about her and that's why she severed ties. She was scared. I know I would be after reading what you wrote and what you're considering. There's a possibility she even invented a boyfriend just as an excuse to go no contact. You have absolutely no idea because you've never been invited to witness her personal life up close and personal.

I'm sure you have a lot to offer to someone, but the way you're going about dating isn't working, so give the normal way of dating a shot.

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On 1/23/2022 at 12:49 PM, Sam560 said:

You know, when I’m told I can’t do something, told I’ll fail, told it’s never gonna happen, just leave it.. well, it makes me want to do it even more, and makes me want to make it happen.   I don’t know if you believe in God or destiny or soulmates but I do, and you discouraging me, I believe, is exactly what I needed to hear. 

I highly doubt that God would approve of this behaviour.  I doubt He would approve of you harassing and/or stalking someone who has clearly told you she is not interested in you, has a boyfriend, and doesn't see you more than a friend.

You need a wake-up call and face reality and learn to accept when people say no.  You have no right to try and force her to somehow change her mind about you.  If anything, it will almost always backfire on you and you push her away even more - which will prove to her that she dodged a bullet.

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Sam, 

I was once in a similar position, though she was my co-worker and we spent years building the relationship, but weren’t dating. It tore my heart out for years when she moved on, but because I had great affection for her I walked away to ensure she was happy.

 

If you truly care about Alice, then you will leave her be. Respect her, for if she is a woman you adore why would you want anything else than her happiness? It will hurt like hades, and possibly for years; but cutting ties is the best way to show her affection.

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