We agreed to space but do you think there is a chance he will come back?

[lauram123]

Hi all my first time posting here and could really do with some advice :). I have been dating a guy for 2 months but have known him for a year, in that year he had tried to date me but at that time I wasn't in the place to date. He then stopped trying and 8 months later came back and tried again and I agreed to date him.

Our first date was amazing we hit it off really well and was non stop laughing and talking, we would talk on the phone a lot everyday and was excited to keep dating and to see where it lead. After a few dates I then went to his house for the weekend, as soon as I got there he had brought me a big bouquet of flowers and my favourite chocolate and again we had the best weekend together. When I went home on the Monday I noticed he wasn't as talkative as he normally was and just put this down to me overthinking as I do have an anxious attachment as I'm so used to people running off. Over the next few days I kept noticing it even though we was still speaking it was a few messages a day whereas before I couldn't get him off the phone. I mentioned it to him and he opened up and told me he had been on anti depressants but was slowly coming off them as he doesn't want to be on tablets but is having down days and assured me I haven't done anything wrong. He has previously mentioned he was feeling anxious, sick, tired before I knew about depression but I didn't think too much of it.

I was supportive and we spoke about it and I opened up to him aswell how I had an ex bf lie he was depressed while he was out trying to pull other girls while I was grieving my grandad passing away so in a way it had triggered me the same thing was happening again. Things were fine and again we was getting on and he would start calling me randomly to keep communication going. I then surprised him by sending him his favourite donuts to his house to try make him smile while he was struggling.

A few weeks after this I went to his for the weekend and as I was there I noticed he wasn't really with it it was like he was physically there but not mentally. He was fidgeting really bad and being anxious and nearly crashed his car twice by not concentrating. He was quiet compared to how he usually is, anyway we had a date night of bowling and mc donalds and he seemed to be better as the date went on. The next day he cooked for us and we spent the afternoon chilling watching this netflix series we were glued to.

I tried calling him the day after as I was travelling to work which I always do, and it went straight to voicemail so I messaged him to say I had tried calling him but was now at work this was at 6pm and he didn't read my message until the next morning but had been online numerous times. I have told him if he is feeling crap to just tell me and communicate with him, as when he doesn't message me but is online it makes him wonder and makes me think who is now getting the attention that I used to have.

I told him I have told him how I've felt about sometimes his behaviour and how it makes me feel and he has always said he is sorry, has tried to sort things out with me, has reassured me. I know I have trust issues and need reassurance but all I ask for is consistency. Again I noticed it happen the next day so I told him I think we need space as he is now making me anxious and its not fair on me when I'm the one who is there for him and supports him no matter what.  He replied with "he isn't out to cause me pain or anxiety or even upset me and he can see by him not being himself mentally he isn't giving me the attention I need which isn't fair. So maybe if we do give it a little space he can sort himself out and he is booked in to see a counsellor next week and how he wants me to know none of this is me that has caused this and he plans on getting back to normal ASAP and hopes we can pick up where we left off and can treat me how I deserve to be treated".

I am scared he is using it as an excuse as I have been here before, do you think he is using it as an excuse? do you think he could come back?

[Batya33]

I would live my life as if this is a breakup.  It sounds like he is not in a good place right now to date you -especially you since he knows you well and pursued you in the past (and remember there was a time you didn't want to date him).  The problem is you are subjecting him to your trust issues and anxiety when you should own that -not put it on him especially if he is having mental health challenges.  That's self absorbed of you - he's done nothing to betray you and yet he's supposed to reassure you.

I would leave him be- no contact-if he wants to be with you he will call you as soon as he knows that.  I would not try to be his friend or therapist or mommy right now or send him treats.  Let him be on his own and have the good care he deserves -from a trained professional.  Very likely if you speak with him you'll feel tempted to ask him for reassurance and the last thing he needs now is someone depending on him like that.  And it's just not attractive especially to someone you are newly dating despite knowing him as a friend in the past. 

I'm sorry you're upset and I know dating is so hard!

[boltnrun]

Maybe try to do some work (perhaps with a professional) to scale down your need for reassurance. You already knew he struggles with depression and yet you turned to him to relieve your anxiety. It's not his place to do so and it's unrealistic to expect someone who's got their own mental health challenges and who is coming off meds to attend to your needs, especially when your needs have little to do with anything he's done to you.

31 minutes ago, lauram123 said:

I am scared he is using it as an excuse

Remember, YOU are the one who suggested "space", not him. He just agreed. Did you expect him to tell you he doesn't want space or to do something dramatic to "prove" his love for you? He gave you what you asked for, after all. You can't fault him for that. If you didn't really want "space" then it wasn't a good idea to ask for it or suggest it.

He may or may not "come 'back'". I would do as Batya suggested and presume he won't. But then that would give you the ability to address your insecurities and anxiety so if he does return you'll be in a better headspace.

 

[lauram123]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would live my life as if this is a breakup.  It sounds like he is not in a good place right now to date you -especially you since he knows you well and pursued you in the past (and remember there was a time you didn't want to date him).  The problem is you are subjecting him to your trust issues and anxiety when you should own that -not put it on him especially if he is having mental health challenges.  That's self absorbed of you - he's done nothing to betray you and yet he's supposed to reassure you.

I would leave him be- no contact-if he wants to be with you he will call you as soon as he knows that.  I would not try to be his friend or therapist or mommy right now or send him treats.  Let him be on his own and have the good care he deserves -from a trained professional.  Very likely if you speak with him you'll feel tempted to ask him for reassurance and the last thing he needs now is someone depending on him like that.  And it's just not attractive especially to someone you are newly dating despite knowing him as a friend in the past. 

I'm sorry you're upset and I know dating is so hard!

Thank you! Yes I have been treating it as a breakup and we haven't spoken in 10 days but I just can't get him out my head. I know it will get easier eventually but I wont message him he knows where I am if he wants me x

[Rose Mosse]

He needs to see his doctor not a counsellor. Why did he take himself off the meds? Was he unable to perform in bed? 

Try to cull those suspicions. You seem unusually suspicious. Do consider it over as his mental health sounds complicated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It's only 60 days dating and he's simply not available. You dodged a bullet.

Don't label yourself with attachment theories and pigeonhole yourself.

You can't make a dating situation work out on your own. It has to be mutual.

This was a case of too much too soon and smothering him trying to fix it.

60 days dating is the getting to know you period to observe compatibility and watch for red flags. 

In this case he's choosing or claiming to have mood disorders that he's now becoming non compliant with. Another red flag in addition to too much too soon.

Best approach next time? Slow your roll and stay in control.

[lauram123]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

He needs to see his doctor not a counsellor. Why did he take himself off the meds? Was he unable to perform in bed? 

Try to cull those suspicions. You seem unusually suspicious. Do consider it over as his mental health sounds complicated.

He has been seeing his doctor too and has gone back on his meds x

[Batya33]

It's normal to keep thinking about someone you liked/were attracted to.  You can choose how you react to these thoughts just like you can choose to react to anxious thoughts by not leaning on a boyfriend for reassurance - you can't control your feelings -just your reactions.  I hope you feel better.

[MissCanuck]

It seems his interest was waning a bit before you pulled the plug, so perhaps the writing was already on the wall here. 

11 hours ago, lauram123 said:

I opened up to him aswell how I had an ex bf lie he was depressed while he was out trying to pull other girls while I was grieving my grandad passing away so in a way it had triggered me the same thing was happening again.

But this was a bit much to lay on him, and tells him that you don't trust his intentions. Maybe you don't but that's why it's important to observe and see what people do without any prompting from you. No, it might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you a lot about whether someone is interacting with you because they want to or because they are simply responding to your request for reassurance. 

Since you are the one who asked for space, you're going to have to take this one on the chin. In the future, don't suggest taking space if what you're really doing is hoping it will prompt the guy to show some interest. 

[lauram123]

51 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It seems his interest was waning a bit before you pulled the plug, so perhaps the writing was already on the wall here. 

But this was a bit much to lay on him, and tells him that you don't trust his intentions. Maybe you don't but that's why it's important to observe and see what people do without any prompting from you. No, it might not be what you want to see, but it will tell you a lot about whether someone is interacting with you because they want to or because they are simply responding to your request for reassurance. 

Since you are the one who asked for space, you're going to have to take this one on the chin. In the future, don't suggest taking space if what you're really doing is hoping it will prompt the guy to show some interest. 

Ye I do agree I probably did lay a lot on him but he was the same with me too. I think I’m going to have therapy myself because the way I act sometimes isn’t right so I think I need help with how I deal with my thoughts. X

[Andrina]

It's not surprising this didn't work out. He didn't have a longterm handle on his depression, playing around with stopping meds. In my first marriage, my husband only agreed to get on meds and seek psychiatric help when I threatened divorce, and then when things were going well, he said he never meant to be on meds the rest of his life and went off them and he became even worse, which then resulted in an actual divorce. Relationships are difficult enough without adding untreated depression in to the mix, especially when a person is prone to starting and stopping on a whim.

And it's good that you will seek help for your emotional baggage. That's always a self-sabotaging fault. Nothing more unattractive than a quivering, fearful wilting violet. At this stage, there's no need to go into discussions about what wrongs have been done to you in the past and you live in great fear of it happening again. What your mindset should be is that you'll have a wait-and-see attitude for this relationship which will always have a 50/50 chance at success according to each person's efforts and if all the major needs are met and dating/life goals match. If you find yourself dissatisfied, no need for teary discussions and examples from your past. You simply say, as an example: When I'm spending time with you lately, you're not really present in the moment. This relationship is no longer working for me.

Those sorts of statements show self-worth, and that if someone doesn't treat you as the special person you are and doesn't date in the way you like to, then you're out of there. If you feel the need to nag or complain about not enough communication, why not instead realize he's not a compatible partner? Don't cling to someone just because they were heavenly on the first 2 dates. If things are going downhill instead of uphill during this very early stage, take it as you don't belong together.

Why do you want him back if he's regressed and not progressed, and loses interest while this should be the extreme high of the honeymoon period? With therapy, you will see in hindsight what your mistakes have been to learn from them. Good luck in ditching that heavy, useless emotional baggage you lugged from room to room. I'm sure that was exhausting.

Edited January 21 by Andrina

[Kwothe28]

At best case scenario you have somebody who just lost interest

At worst case scenario, you have somebody with severe issues that is on meds

Both of those scenarios are not good for you. You are not his doctor, you are his girlfriend. If he has issues then he just shouldnt date. He almost put you in danger twice by his reckless driving

13 hours ago, lauram123 said:

He was fidgeting really bad and being anxious and nearly crashed his car twice by not concentrating

so I am sorry, but that guy is nothing but trouble and not somebody who you should have your long term commitment with.

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, lauram123 said:

I told him I have told him how I've felt about sometimes his behaviour and how it makes me feel and he has always said he is sorry, has tried to sort things out with me, has reassured me. I know I have trust issues and need reassurance but all I ask for is consistency. Again I noticed it happen the next day so I told him I think we need space as he is now making me anxious and its not fair on me when I'm the one who is there for him and supports him no matter what.  He replied with "he isn't out to cause me pain or anxiety or even upset me and he can see by him not being himself mentally he isn't giving me the attention I need which isn't fair. So maybe if we do give it a little space he can sort himself out and he is booked in to see a counsellor next week and how he wants me to know none of this is me that has caused this and he plans on getting back to normal ASAP and hopes we can pick up where we left off and can treat me how I deserve to be treated".

How you deserve to be treated?  So, you mean get back to you ASAP because of your insecurities.  I feel, he is trying, but maybe you seem a little too needy.

I think you need to totally chill.  The guy has shown you interest.  The guy has had you over there on weekends, the guy got you flowers, etc.  But this isn't good on you?

Just because he's 'online' but not messaging you back or reading your msg's... you have no idea what is going on in his head.

 

I can't see anything here improving for you two.  You've now pulled away from him.  Has not been very long together?  Then, just work on accepting this isn't working out for how you want/like it.

He has issue's you know that much.  He will not be 'cured' in a month or so. This can be ongoing for a long time.

So, consider leaving it all alone now.. no expectations.  And maybe consider some down time for yourself as well, since you've been repeatedly saying how you are also a bit messed from your own past experiences.

 

[DancingFool]

Before you can date successfully, you really need to take some time out to fix your own issues and baggage. Let that stuff go because you cannot keep carrying it forward and punishing new partners and sabotaging new relationship because of what some guy did in your past.

Also, you need to work on fixing your picker. If you want a stable relationship, don't get involved with someone who is inherently unstable. Also, be mindful that when you meet someone you are into, initially talking a lot, being super excited about each other and unable to get enough is normal. However, spending hours and hours every single day on the phone is not sustainable in the long run. There comes a time when the relationship needs to normalize in terms of contact and time spent together. You both have other things to do and other responsibilities that need to be taken care of and you have to learn to give each other room to do so without assuming the worst all the time.

If you focus on dating guys who give you intense amounts of attention initially, you'll find that your relationships don't turn out well over and over. As the old saying goes, what burns really hot, burns out really fast. So figure out what a more stable approach to dating looks like.

[catfeeder]

Anyone who's experimenting with going off of their meds is just not relationship material at that time.

This doesn't make him a villain, he's just not stable enough to be in a relationship.

If you can't tell whether your own trust issues are interfering with your ability to know whether someone is behaving suspiciously or whether you are projecting leftover stuff onto them, then you're smart to get help.