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I kind of feel like giving up


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I honestly feel like I'm wearing an invisibility cloak when I'm with my so called family. I(20) live with Father, Sister(25), Mother and Grandma. (Asian Family)

My mother stopped talking with me 5(?) years ago,, I remember trying to talk with her once or twice and after that I gave up but apparently when everyone else (relatives) got to know about it I heard that I was the one who started it lol and I got many advices/questions about it too, "like why don't you talk with your mother?" and as someone who absolutely cannot talk about what's on my mind I just kept quiet. I basically can't talk about my feelings at all,, my words just get stuck somehow and I end up crying. I have seen my mother crying at that time my father consoled her. What about me though? I was also under so much pressure, it was especially during an important exam. Now we're still not talking with eachother and I don't plan to talk with her so that's that. I was never really close with anyone in my family. When I was young I did everything on my own as my elders sister needed my parents more. They honestly seem like a nice complete family. I just don't feel welcomed or needed when I'm with them.

My sister thinks that I'm a ***ty sister but comes to me when she needs helps with something or wants to eat something, basically up until now she relied on me. I'm the younger sister but I don't have anyone to rely on? no one to support me. My parents spoon fed her all her life,, she's 25 and doesn't plan to get a job, doesn't like what she's studying but since everyone says that she just sitting at home doing nothing she wants to join 2-3 courses but if you ask even one basic question she doesn't know anything,, basically wasting time and money. Now my Father going to employ her at his workplace.

I wanted to go in the science field but I wasn't sure,, My family said "You won't be able to handle it, You won't have energy to do all of that." Why? because I'm underweight lol. 

This is also a thing,, When I was younge my Mother only fed me 2-3 types of veggies and few pulses,, why? because apparently I was a picky eater. I don't even remember trying anything else other than those 5 vegetables, First time I ate actual green leafy vegetable was when I was at my aunt's place and I was 12-13 year old and I absolutely loved it. Even after that I never got to eat anything else other than what I was already eating. My sister is actually a picky eater, she doesn't like anything healthy but that's fine? why? because she isn't underweight.

My mother makes 4-5 types of dishes and from that I get to eat 1 type,, everything else is for my Father or Sister even If that dish is something I really like. And it's not like I've never mentioned this before like how am I going to eat if you don't give me anything to eat? I'm not going to lie, my mother used to make some special dishes for me too,, mostly tasty junk but I loved it. I don't expect her to serve me well now as we don't have the best relationship but I'm still living under the same roof? even my Grandma's caretaker gets to eat better food.

I have stomach problems because of this. If I don't eat breakfast and just eat lunch directly I puke everything out or I get stomach burns, I talked about it with my Father but I was ignored. Today also I didn't get to eat breakfast, I can make something myself too,, evern bread butter works but I can't work with my Mother. So I skipped lunch completely,, I drank some milk but that's all. Later My Father came in my room and said "Don't you feel anything? We have so many expectations from you and you're behaving like this, It makes us(Father and Mother) upset." Funny. I laughed. Don't they think about what I must be feeling like? How hurt I feel? or anything about my health? I have lost 3 kgs in a week and I'm already severely underweight (12-13 BMI).

In last 3 years I've mentioned 50+ times that I want to visit an opthalmologist but I was ignored. I'm severely myopic, I can't even see the TV clearly and often get headaches. In last 5-6 years I haven't seen a doctor,, not even a dentist and I can't force them because I'm still depending on them, for everything. I'm planning to sell my art but I don't how that's gonna work.

I also just like few hours ago I said that, "I have fever". Result? Ignored. Again. 

Later my Aunt came over to meet my Grandma and while leaving she checked up on my and she realised that I was sick. She really does care about me. My parents still didn't care, atleast I can't see them caring about me. I've been sick for last 3 days.

Like I said my grandma was/is sick and I honestly wanted to completely give up, especially during that time period. I love her,, she's slowly getting better and that's literally the only good thing that's giving me some hope rn. 

I'm falling back in everything and I just don't have energy to do anything anymore. I talked about it with some people (friends) and they just said that I was lazy and I should stop being lazy but I honestly don't think so. Everything that has been happening has taken a toll on me,, I just keep crying for hours, can't fall asleep, forget simple simple things, can't concentrate on anything at all,, also losing interest in everything even art. I really want to start therapy but I'm afraid + I don't have money. I feel like giving up will be so much better? I'm not needed here at all, they probably won't even notice it for hours if I took my life in my bedroom. But I don't want to do that either. I just feel so sick of everything. I'll probably fail this semester. I don't even know what I want to do in the future, If I live I really want to have enough money and make sure that I won't sleep with an empty stomach.

 

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You're old enough to make your own meals. And decide on what to study at University and talk to a physician privately about your anxiety.

You need to be more mature about things. Leave your mother alone if she's upset. You're an adult. Talk to friends therapists or others.

Stop blaming everything on your mother. 

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Please call your local suicide hotline if you’re having thoughts of harming yourself.  What plans do you have to move out on your own rather than live in this unhealthy environment?   I’m sorry you’re struggling.  Also seek out community resources for your medical and mental health issues.  You’re an adult and can find your own healthcare.  

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If someone were to offer you a million dollars, would you be able to identify the reason why your mother is so upset with you?

From there, decide whether developing an eating disorder and emotional problems are worth putting pride in front of a simple apology.

Your mental safety net can be that instead of playing the villain in your family, you can go with the flow until you earn enough money to move out on your own.

None of this suggestion is to invalidate your position or your feelings, but rather, it's a challenge to recognize whether you have the resilience to survive and thrive regardless of what others think of you in order to achieve your own eventual ends.

Head high, think long range, and write more if it helps.

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