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I have feelings for my friend and I have no idea how to handle this


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Ok, so I don't know how to properly put this into written words, but I'll try to be as concise as I can but also calls for some background explanation too. So I am a male in my early 30's (which, come to think of it, makes me feel really old now), consider myself as a gray ace (I don't enjoy sex unless I am extremely close and comfortable emotionally with the person) and I just recently started rebuilding my social life back up again after Pandemic and family woes. Just before the start of the pandemic, I was part of an anime meetup group that was gaining traction and, at the time, was off to a good start. Personally, I had joined it because my social life didn't really exist due to various reasons, and the group was doing wonders for me. We were all vibing pretty well with each other and were all looking forward to seeing the meets continue. Then after three months, Covid hit in March of 2020. Our group dissolved, and we all more or less lost contact with each other despite having a discord server going.

 

Then last October (a little more than a year and a half after we all last seen each other), I made a comment within the discord how I would like us all to get back together sometime because I felt myself really missing a lot of them. One of the members mentioned how she would really like doing that, if we could get some of the original core regulars to show up (despite being an extreme introvert herself). Some mentioned moved out of state, others disappeared and didn't bother even checking in.

 

So in November, the person who said she'd be down and I started our own meetup group and have been planning regular meets ever since. November 2021 was the first time we had seen each other since March 2020. We've gone and done things consistently ever since and while we all don't talk every single day, we're slowly building a new group again.

 

Looking back at the last 3 months, I'm realizing that I am the happiest I have been since early 2014.......and that I am also feeling a certain way towards the person who I started this meetup with. She is just about everything I really like in a person whom I'd consider dating, but feel wrong for actually developing these feelings. I didn't go into this looking for a date, I went in looking for friends.

 

I honestly feel like I am at the point where I can't imagine going another year and a half not seeing her, and she is a huge part of why I am happy now. If it wasn't for her agreeing to helping me with this new meetup as well as showing up to each and every single one,I wouldn't have done any of the things I got to do. I would have continued my life as if I were drifting along, but I'm not. I finally feel like I am living my life for the first time in 8 years.

 

This person......became very important to me and I am afraid of losing that. I have no idea of how to express that to her in a way that won't cause her discomfort or make her feel like she's being overwhelmed. I want to tell her exactly what I had just written, that I can't imagine going for a long period of time without seeing her. Now, like I had said, she's extremely introverted, so socializing and opening up isn't easy for her. I'm the one who has to initialize conversations with her, but I knew that going in. She's been like that since the day I met her, and she's even stated how she was using our current meetup as a way for get more comfortable with being around people. She usually just hangs out with the group without saying much. Saying that, by the conversations she and I have had, I can tell she's an extremely smart person who is caring and thoughtful. Every time I am around her I feel extremely relaxed and calm, which doesn't happen often for me around people.

 

I DID recently send her a DM telling her that I how much I appreciated her, and that I would like to talk to her a little bit about a few things the next time I saw her in person, and I hoped she didn't find it weird. She responded how it didn't make her feel weird, I shouldn't worry about it, and she appreciated my telling her. I sent similar DM's to a few other people telling them something similar that day because I had an issue recently cause a divide within my family recently, and I realized I needed to tell a a lot of people in my lifehow I really cared about them and they actually mattered to me

 

How do I handle this? Do I risk throwing everything I have tried to build (such as my current social life that I haven't had in many years) by telling this person just how much they mean to me and that I want to be with her? Or do I keep my mouth shut and continue as is and just let it go, and look for someone else? I have tried dating other people, but my mind keeps going off to my friend and how I feel she's who I would rather be around over these other women (which isn't fair in itself).

 

 

I apologize for the lengthy incoherent ramblings. I really do feel like I am finally in a good place in my life, but I feel like I really want to be with this person and have no idea how to handle it, and would like some serious insight

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6 minutes ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

I DID recently send her a DM telling her that I how much I appreciated her, and that I would like to talk to her a little bit about a few things the next time I saw her in person, and I hoped she didn't find it weird. She responded how it didn't make her feel weird, I shouldn't worry about it, and she appreciated my telling her.

Are you far apart? How old is she? Does she have a BF? 

Why not ask to meet one-on-one for a low-key coffee. Do not blurt out anything, just get a sense of things and determine if she's interested. 

Lay back on all the existential angst. Keep it light.

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We're pretty close distance wise. She lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I live and she's pretty close in age as I am. No boyfriend, there was someone who she was with when we were all hanging out who I thought was her boyfriend, but that turned out to be a weird situation all around and they ended up not being together.

I thought about asking her one-on-one. I never felt right asking her though because she is so shy and introverted and never wanted to put her in an uncomfortable situation. The first time we hung out again in November, she was actually shaking from being nervous and we already knew each other at that point. She's gotten way past that though, and she and I are at least cool enough that she agreed to be a personal social reference for a job I am soon to be getting without even a second thought (and ended up feeling bad when she realized I told her how I didn't even have her phone number to put down). Knowing how she is, she wouldn't have even agreed to that if she wasn't cool with me.

Not blurting things out is kinda why I mentioned how I wanted to talk to her next time I saw her though. We have a meet scheduled on the 29th and wanted to talk to her after the fact, and already had a few (true) things I had planned to tell her to kind of gauge the situation but I wasn't sure if I should actually follow through or not.

I will admit though, part of my fear of wanting to ask is because I have a bad habit of keeping people at arms length and not wanting to get hurt. It was a safety thing I fell into a number of years ago that started through mourning the passing of a family member, but became habit.

 

 

Just wanted to add an edit: She's also has a total go with the flow type of personality, at least with me anyways. Whenever I throw out something for us all to do, she always agrees and never really argues or changes it. She'll just roll with it, and there's a lot of times where we were talking and I'd mention something, then she'd come back a long while after and tell me something along the lines of "hey, with what you said about [XXXX], I 100% agree with you on that" and it would be usually on things that are more than just us talking about interests. Some of the things were kinda....life direction things I guess you can say (nothing major like kids or anything like that, but where we both want to be in life in a few months. For example, I mentioned how I wanted to ditch this whole meetup group thing eventually, just have a core group of friends, and would like us to just be hanging out like we weren't forcing it and I mentioned it in the middle of a conversation. She came back a few hours later, after the conversation was said and done telling me simply how she was "on the same page on the meetup." Little things like that)

 

 

I know I over think things. I'll admit to that, but I guess that comes from having a lot of one sided friendships and not realizing they were one sided until long after they were done and gone.

Edited by Lost-and-Confused
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11 minutes ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

She lives maybe a 20 minute drive from where I live I thought about asking her one-on-one. I never felt right asking her though because she is so shy and introverted and never wanted to put her in an uncomfortable situation.

Exactly. That's why a low-key coffee would be a good place to break the ice.

It's noncommittal (not too date-like) and you can go as friends and then see where that leads.

 But if you get stuck in your head you'll only torture yourself. It's you who's too shy, not her. I think you know that.

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

But if you get stuck in your head you'll only torture yourself. It's you who's too shy, not her. I think you know that.

 

Yeah, that's actually very true. This very sentence is actually why some relationships have not worked for me in the past. The last girl I dated actually told me more or less the same thing, she stopped seeing me because she said I wasn't being open enough with her. I wasn't being open because, honestly I was scared of letting someone getting close, them getting to know me and not liking what they found, and eventually getting hurt, which happened anyways. This time, I am afraid my openness would cause her to think I was...trying to poach her or something, which is not the case.

And as I write this out, I'm seeing how I am also look for excuses to not let anyone close, which is the very thing I am trying to work on.

So yes, you are absolutely right, I am the one who is too shy about these things.

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2 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

I honestly feel like I am at the point where I can't imagine going another year and a half not seeing her, and she is a huge part of why I am happy now. If it wasn't for her agreeing to helping me with this new meetup as well as showing up to each and every single one,I wouldn't have done any of the things I got to do. I would have continued my life as if I were drifting along, but I'm not. I finally feel like I am living my life for the first time in 8 years.

This person......became very important to me and I am afraid of losing that. I have no idea of how to express that to her in a way that won't cause her discomfort or make her feel like she's being overwhelmed. I want to tell her exactly what I had just written, that I can't imagine going for a long period of time without seeing her.

Ask her out but leave room for her to decline. If at all possible try not to depend so heavily on one person. Make other friends. 

Your heart's in a good place but whatever you do don't express what you said above. It's too much.

Also do not send anymore DMs about vague and foreboding things you need to talk or ask her about. Just do it next time you see her without any pretense. Stay in tune with what she says and her body language. 

You seem like a thoughtful person. Let us know how it goes with the coffee meet.

 

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Have you ever hung out with her alone? Are you in any lockdown now or can you go out freely? I would suggest hanging out one-on-one and see how it goes. You don't necessarily have to say that it's a date at first. But personally I think you should go for it. Life's too short and it sounds like you really care for this girl. 

Although if I may just be honest....Personally I don't think that I could date someone asexual because I have a pretty high sex drive. I know you said this woman is very shy and introverted but that doesn't mean that she's not a sexual person. I think if it goes any further than friendship then I think you should be honest with her straight away about your sexuality.

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2 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

And as I write this out, I'm seeing how I am also look for excuses to not let anyone close, which is the very thing I am trying to work on.

So yes, you are absolutely right, I am the one who is too shy about these things.

She is not going to be unattached forever.  Things can change on a dime.  16 years ago my now husband took the risk of asking me to get back together.  We'd gone out 3 times platonically after a long time apart.  Over a 4 week period.  At the time I was actively dating.  A good friend of his -he told me later- advised him to wait until next time he was back in town - to see how things were going. 

That could have meant a month or more.  As much as I was feeling a strong spark, if he'd left town again and we were "just friends" it's highly likely I'd have assumed he wasn't interested that way and moved on and kept meeting people.  Choose fear or choose her.  Stop "working on" not letting anyone get close - thinking and pondering and contemplating your navel isn't work.  Work is showing yourself "even though I'm scared, I'm gonna do it anyway."  And do it.  That's the "work".

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4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Ask her out but leave room for her to decline. If at all possible try not to depend so heavily on one person. Make other friends. 

 

Unfortunately, my brain is hardwired to not be the socialite, even before I fully became closed off. I always enjoyed the company of a few people who I got really close to, so the idea of making more friends feels unnatural to me.

Saying that however, I actually have been trying to make friends, and I've been trying to gain more since before the start of COVID. It's not from a lack of trying.

 

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Also do not send anymore DMs about vague and foreboding things you need to talk or ask her about. Just do it next time you see her without any pretense. Stay in tune with what she says and her body language. 

 

She was one of many people I sent DM's expressing my appreciation for, and that was mostly due to recently seeing a major rift happen within my family and I made it a point to try to put out some positivity out there. The point behind my saying that I wanted to talk to her in person was due to constantly having people within our group bring up things I loved doing but me mentioning how I haven't done them for many years, and she kept looking funny every time I said it. I just told her that I wanted to talk about something in person, it wasn't anything bad, and it's just that it's something I trusted her enough to explain to her about, only in person. I don't think I added any foreboding or that I was going to ask her.

 

We DO DM each other back and forth frequently though. Like I said, it's usually me initiating,

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Have you ever hung out with her alone? Are you in any lockdown now or can you go out freely? I would suggest hanging out one-on-one and see how it goes. You don't necessarily have to say that it's a date at first. But personally I think you should go for it. Life's too short and it sounds like you really care for this girl.

Other than say 30 minutes here, 45 minutes there, we haven't really hung out just the two of us. I mentioned a one on one twice, she declined and they were actually understandable declines. The first time was for our first official meetup and she was wanting it to be a meet & greet meetup. The second time was after she, two other people, and I went to a movie (which got out at 9:30 PM), and she mentioned to me how she was starving and hadn't ate. I suggested maybe we go get something, but she just told me she'd rather just drive through somewhere close to her house (again, this was almost 10PM on a weeknight, and she already had mentioned how she was weirded out by getting out so late).

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That could have meant a month or more.  As much as I was feeling a strong spark, if he'd left town again and we were "just friends" it's highly likely I'd have assumed he wasn't interested that way and moved on and kept meeting people.  Choose fear or choose her.  Stop "working on" not letting anyone get close - thinking and pondering and contemplating your navel isn't work.  Work is showing yourself "even though I'm scared, I'm gonna do it anyway."  And do it.  That's the "work".

 

This is actually where my wanting to talk to her comes in. I'm not telling anything to fish for dating, really. It's mostly to let go of something and tell her something I usually don't tell people, I mostly wanted it to be her since I've known her the longest and find her the most trust worthy out of the non-family members I know, and I kinda see as one step to closure for something (and what that closure is, is a whole another story)

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I remember when way back in my youth, the minute a guy asked me to hang out one on one, I knew he was interested in me romantically, so I would come up with all kinds of excuses not to. She knows you like her, She's making it perfectly clear she's not interested. 

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1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

 

I remember when way back in my youth, the minute a guy asked me to hang out one on one, I knew he was interested in me romantically, so I would come up with all kinds of excuses not to. She knows you like her, She's making it perfectly clear she's not interested. 

Yeah, you're right.

 

 

I'll just drop it

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13 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

This is actually where my wanting to talk to her comes in. I'm not telling anything to fish for dating, really. It's mostly to let go of something and tell her something I usually don't tell people, I mostly wanted it to be her since I've known her the longest and find her the most trust worthy out of the non-family members I know, and I kinda see as one step to closure for something (and what that closure is, is a whole another story)

This is not something I can relate to or understand based on how you wrote it.  Good luck and I think you've come to a decision anyway.

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13 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

Unfortunately, my brain is hardwired to not be the socialite, even before I fully became closed off. I always enjoyed the company of a few people who I got really close to, so the idea of making more friends feels unnatural to me.

Saying that however, I actually have been trying to make friends, and I've been trying to gain more since before the start of COVID. It's not from a lack of trying.

 

 

She was one of many people I sent DM's expressing my appreciation for, and that was mostly due to recently seeing a major rift happen within my family and I made it a point to try to put out some positivity out there. The point behind my saying that I wanted to talk to her in person was due to constantly having people within our group bring up things I loved doing but me mentioning how I haven't done them for many years, and she kept looking funny every time I said it. I just told her that I wanted to talk about something in person, it wasn't anything bad, and it's just that it's something I trusted her enough to explain to her about, only in person. I don't think I added any foreboding or that I was going to ask her.

 

We DO DM each other back and forth frequently though. Like I said, it's usually me initiating,

Other than say 30 minutes here, 45 minutes there, we haven't really hung out just the two of us. I mentioned a one on one twice, she declined and they were actually understandable declines. The first time was for our first official meetup and she was wanting it to be a meet & greet meetup. The second time was after she, two other people, and I went to a movie (which got out at 9:30 PM), and she mentioned to me how she was starving and hadn't ate. I suggested maybe we go get something, but she just told me she'd rather just drive through somewhere close to her house (again, this was almost 10PM on a weeknight, and she already had mentioned how she was weirded out by getting out so late).

 

 

This is actually where my wanting to talk to her comes in. I'm not telling anything to fish for dating, really. It's mostly to let go of something and tell her something I usually don't tell people, I mostly wanted it to be her since I've known her the longest and find her the most trust worthy out of the non-family members I know, and I kinda see as one step to closure for something (and what that closure is, is a whole another story)

This is so much work up and drama for someone you hardly know. Dial it back, way back. Be considerate of her feelings also and keep the conversations lighthearted and in person. Sending out some notes to people over text or DM is fine but try to keep the expectations that they respond to you to a minimum. Try to focus more on in person conversations. 

I don't know what closure you need but for this sort of acquaintanceship and barely know you kind of friendship, I think you're placing way too much importance on what she thinks or how she reacts. While it's subtle I think it adds up over time. People generally draw away from that or tend to avoid that kind of interaction because it's inappropriate given the amount of time you've known her. Again, if you have anything you want to smooth over or if you're wondering what her input/insight might be, ask her in person. No more DMs like this. 

Your family issues are a separate problem. Try not to let that bleed out into your friendships and place burdens on others/acquaintances that have nothing to do with them. If you're feeling down about family problems, try to work it out with yourself or try looking at a therapist. If you were longstanding friends of 10, 20+ years I'd say perhaps it's not farfetched leaning on them for support but you barely know these people. 

I do think you're doing a great job putting yourself out there so keep doing that. I think it's better to leave the romance out of this. 

 

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Essentially, my mental health over the past three months has been the best it's been in almost ten years.

 

The closure comes from initially thinking I was the cause of a family members suicide, to then moving on accepting it wasn't my fault but still knowing that person was gone regardless, to finally accepting it and finally moving on. I wasn't going into detail with that to this person, but I was going to let her know she was a part of helping my be happy again

 

My happiness isn't 100% isn't strictly based off "these people I barely know" as you put but only partially. I mean, one of the people I sent a DM to was someone who practically IS family to me, despite not being blood related. Also, keep in mind, I only sent this woman 1 DM regarding this matter everything else was strictly social or group administrative conversation.

 

I mean, there's so much negativity out there in the world, as far as I am concerned, to NOT show appreciation is a lot worse then anything else in our current times where everyone seems so stuck on creating a divide and showing hate.

 

Like I had stated, I wasn't not necessarily going to tell her I wanted to date her ot anything like that. Rather say "hey, remember all those times I said i hadn't done this, that, and the other thing in years despite daying how much I loved it, yeah i wasn't feeling it for years. But thanks fo finally hanging out with people, I am finally doing it again and I am actually happier because of it, and you helped me with that!" And it's the truth. I just rather say that in person because I feel it means more than just the written words on a screen. I just realized I also started to develop feelings for this person as well, and was struggling with whether I should throw that in there.

 

Now, I know I shouldn't.  So thank you all for helping me realize that. I'll still be telling her that she helped me in a big way (albeit not 100% of the way), but I won't be asking her out.

 

 

And would you look at that, I put here what I couldn't open up about before. I guess I an making progress, lol

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3 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

Essentially, my mental health over the past three months has been the best it's been in almost ten years.

 

The closure comes from initially thinking I was the cause of a family members suicide, to then moving on accepting it wasn't my fault but still knowing that person was gone regardless, to finally accepting it and finally moving on. I wasn't going into detail with that to this person, but I was going to let her know she was a part of helping my be happy again

 

My happiness isn't 100% isn't strictly based off "these people I barely know" as you put but only partially. I mean, one of the people I sent a DM to was someone who practically IS family to me, despite not being blood related. Also, keep in mind, I only sent this woman 1 DM regarding this matter everything else was strictly social or group administrative conversation.

 

I mean, there's so much negativity out there in the world, as far as I am concerned, to NOT show appreciation is a lot worse then anything else in our current times where everyone seems so stuck on creating a divide and showing hate.

 

Like I had stated, I wasn't not necessarily going to tell her I wanted to date her ot anything like that. Rather say "hey, remember all those times I said i hadn't done this, that, and the other thing in years despite daying how much I loved it, yeah i wasn't feeling it for years. But thanks fo finally hanging out with people, I am finally doing it again and I am actually happier because of it, and you helped me with that!" And it's the truth. I just rather say that in person because I feel it means more than just the written words on a screen. I just realized I also started to develop feelings for this person as well, and was struggling with whether I should throw that in there.

 

Now, I know I shouldn't.  So thank you all for helping me realize that. I'll still be telling her that she helped me in a big way (albeit not 100% of the way), but I won't be asking her out.

 

 

And would you look at that, I put here what I couldn't open up about before. I guess I an making progress, lol

Well what you would like to do towards this girl is completely up to you. If you don't feel that it's the right thing to ask her out, that's how you feel. Just me personally I always find it hard to actually get closure unless I do ask someone out and I actually get some kind of response. Whether the response is positive or negative.

You clearly really like this girl and she makes you feel happy. Personally I think you should just go for it. She might just want to be friends but in that case you can just dial it back and not contact her as much. If she's not interested then just keep hanging out in a group just like what you were doing before.

I know sometimes it's hard to find a good connection with someone but it's not impossible. You should be able to find someone you click with again if it doesn't work out with this girl.

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well what you would like to do towards this girl is completely up to you. If you don't feel that it's the right thing to ask her out, that's how you feel. Just me personally I always find it hard to actually get closure unless I do ask someone out and I actually get some kind of response. Whether the response is positive or negative.

You clearly really like this girl and she makes you feel happy. Personally I think you should just go for it. She might just want to be friends but in that case you can just dial it back and not contact her as much. If she's not interested then just keep hanging out in a group just like what you were doing before.

I know sometimes it's hard to find a good connection with someone but it's not impossible. You should be able to find someone you click with again if it doesn't work out with this girl.

 

I guess it comes down to, for me at least, do I want to risk everything I have been trying to build the last 3 months on something that more than likely not pan out, or do I accept it as is and not take the risk?

I've always been a person who talked myself out actually asking people out, or let other people talk me out of it. I'm either not good enough, they're "just my friend" or something along those lines.

 

Do I feel good being around her? Of course! But is it worth losing her over it? Not so sure about that.

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5 hours ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

 But is it worth losing her over it? Not so sure about that.

You're not going to lose her if you go have coffee together. You don't know if she's into you or not. Having coffee is a way to find out.

Don't run away with your tail between your legs because of flip remarks that she's not interested. It's also not going to work as friends if you have a crush.

So. Step up and have a coffee together. It's not a marriage proposal, it's a cup of coffee.

Sooner or later you're going to have to deal with your intense anxiety. 

 

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Quote

I want to tell her exactly what I had just written, that I can't imagine going for a long period of time without seeing her.

I would not lay this on anyone. It sounds manipulative--like you're setting up a trauma over an imagined thing. Well, nobody can do anything with that but feel creeped out--so don't do it.

Instead, I'd just tell her the truth about having just worked through a family issue and realizing how important it is to tell the people who matter in your life how much you appreciate them.

Beyond that, just keep working with her on your group and in it, and if an appropriate time opens up, ask her if she'd like to grab a coffee or a walk with you.

It's best to learn over time whether someone who is important to your over-all social life might be attracted to you beyond a friendship. Intensity could scare the woman away, so I'd avoid going there.

Instead, I'd test whether she'd be open to seeing you to any degree outside of the group. If not, then there's your answer--and don't push it. If so, then don't overplay that with intensity. Keep the 'flow' you're both enjoying.

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Ok, so a slight update. I sent a message to her yesterday, letting her know that while I was going back and forth on if I should message her or tell her when I saw her in person next time I saw her that I was going to just say it. I explained that I am in a point of my life where I have been the happiest I have been in years, not since a family member passed, and that it's in large part of the group and her being there to help me. I also stated that I knew how she was naturally introverted, and I knew some of this couldn't be easy, and that I just wanted to make sure that I was doing right by her on what I was doing, and that I just wanted to just go ahead and say something because I sorta regretted having a bit a of vagueness (and added how, like Rose Mosse stated, I didn't want to have any foreboding).

 

 

She responded pretty positively. Extremely positively in fact. She stated how she didn't feel any sense of foreboding in the slightest, rather that she was just interested in what I had to say. She also stated how she was glad that I felt like I could tell her that, and it made her really happy to know she was involved in that that process for me. She had even stated she really appreciated me as well and that I am giving her something to work on too.

 

 

So yup, nothing wrong with actually telling someone that you care and that they mean a lot to you, because that might actually help them feel good. Of course, I didn't ask her for one on one, but time will eventually lead to whether that will happen or not. It might, it might not, all I know that for now, things are exactly where they need to be for me. What happens down the line will happen when I get there.

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35 minutes ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

She responded pretty positively. Extremely positively in fact. She stated how she didn't feel any sense of foreboding in the slightest, rather that she was just interested in what I had to say. She also stated how she was glad that I felt like I could tell her that, and it made her really happy to know she was involved in that that process for me

Excellent . This is a green light that you can have a simple coffee to just talk. Do it. She's ready, willing and able. Start there.

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1 hour ago, Lost-and-Confused said:

So yup, nothing wrong with actually telling someone that you care and that they mean a lot to you, because that might actually help them feel good. Of course, I didn't ask her for one on one, but time will eventually lead to whether that will happen or not. It might, it might not, all I know that for now, things are exactly where they need to be for me. What happens down the line will happen when I get there.

So yes -and no.  You hid behind a screen and made all sorts of assumption and typed a lot of words.  It's really not the best way to share that information -typing - a one way monologue behind a screen, typed out - it's great she responded positively to what you wrote (which had nothing to do with wanting to go on a date with her) and there's no time will tell -you're the driver here.  Nothing to tell, nothing to wait for. 

My sense is you really don't want to do the most basic simple thing -and see her in person for a walk in the park - because it's easier and more  comfortable for you to express feelings -feelings you had in the past- from the safety of a computer and use lots of flowery language. All she shared was that she was glad she could be there for you and be supportive.  She responded to your message in a supportive way.

To me it says nothing about whether she is interested in going on a date with you.  For that you have to ask her out on a date you plan in advance.  Do you really want that or did you just want to let it all out to her and make all sorts of justifications and assumptions?  That way you were focused on you, what you'd been going through, and you didn't put yourself in a position to find out if she wants to go on a date with you.  Obviously she wasn't going to ask you out in response to that message which focused mostly on your past situation and her supportive role.  

Consider what your point is in procrastinating and writing long/besides the point/messages.

If I was hoping a man would ask me out I'd feel good about having been there for him and I would read that message and assume - ok - he's not interested in dating me because he did not ask me out on a date.  Then I'd feel "good" as in flattered that you thought I was helpful and I'd set my sights on men who actually wanted to date me, not just compliment how supportive I am.

When my husband wanted us to date again he didn't send me long flowery messages.  He called me.  He said "I have theater tickets for Saturday to ___ show.  Would you like to go with me? "  "Would you like to get dinner beforehand?"  Actually I wasn't sure he meant it as a date but it was clear to me his intention was to see me in person.  And I wasn't even sure at that point whether we should date again.  But his message was clear -and simple- and direct.  That's what works best.  The rest of it -save for when you are dating her and you can have long meandering conversations about how she was so helpful in the past.

Edited by Batya33
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On 1/22/2022 at 12:33 PM, Batya33 said:

To me it says nothing about whether she is interested in going on a date with you. 

I agree. The point I've been trying to make this whole time (on this board and in my conversations with her) is just to let her and other people know that they have had a positive impact in my life. In her case, actually helping me develop friends and that I was happy she was involved in that. Never did I give her the

The conversation I had with her turned from from how she made me happy, to how she was feeling like she was being drained by a lot of back to back big events that we've been scheduling. When I threw out how we can starting scheduling small things with only an extremely small amount of people (such as watching a movie or just getting something to eat) and how I'd like to start moving away from the main meet site that she and I have been collaborating on and just start hanging out like real friends (and stop trying to force it), she seemed very open to that.

And yes you are right, she is not giving any indication of wanting to date me, nor am I giving her any likewise. The only thing we both have been indicating to each other is how she and I would like to have a small group of people to do simple things with as friends.

 

 

On 1/22/2022 at 12:33 PM, Batya33 said:

Consider what your point is in procrastinating and writing long/besides the point/messages.

My point is, should I really be having these feelings for this person, and is it really worth possibly throwing away a friendship that I have made? I only say that because it has happened in the past more that I wish it did. I've been working hard to make friends because, well, I ended up losing most of mine over the years.

Do I care about this person and her happiness? I absolutely do. I guess I've just been wrong in these situations so many times that I'm....really kind of done losing people because I chose to put myself out there only to have them decide I wasn't worth their time because of it. In my mind, it'll hurt less if I were able to see her and not have her than it would not seeing her at all, and that's why I'm procrastinating.

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