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Interfaith marriage


Jessie29
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I have been amidst choosing my family and my boyfriend for quite a long time. We both are from different religions. My mom and brother keep warning me of the after marriage shocks that I might experience. Although my boyfriend assures me of not forcing anything on me but sometimes I get skeptical. He has lied to me here and there and is quite into religion himself. But when it comes to marriage his words are” we will manage.. its not a big deal..however I can’t promise what religious faith our kids will be carrying on”. The thought of not raising my kids as per my wish makes me sad. Even though its said that a caring and loving partner is all you need but after a certain point in life I guess other things matter too. What’s your opinion?

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7 hours ago, Jessie29 said:

Even though its said that a caring and loving partner is all you need but after a certain point in life I guess other things matter too. What’s your opinion?

Who ever said that?  If you're going to have kids especially you have to be on the same page as the major stuff.  Like religion.

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I will say my husband and I are the same religion and we raised our child in our religion and as a 24 year old he still follows this religion. 
 

My mother-in-law also has the same religion but my father-in-law was not religious. They agreed when they married that their children would be raised in her religion and he wouldn’t interfere. They kept their agreement and were tolerant of each other and they were 3 weeks from their 63rd wedding anniversary when my FIL passed away. 

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Interfaith marriages can work but only if the parties accept and respect one another. 

It sounds as if it’s your boyfriend who decides and you must go along with it. That kind of attitude which leaves no room for compromise isn’t good. 

Some families practice and honour more than one faith. It’s not one over the other. For example the children are taught both sets of principles and given a choice to choose or honour both parents’ religions.

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Interfaith marriages can work but only if the parties accept and respect one another. 

It sounds as if it’s your boyfriend who decides and you must go along with it. That kind of attitude which leaves no room for compromise isn’t good. 

Some families practice and honour more than one faith. It’s not one over the other. For example the children are taught both sets of principles and given a choice to choose or honour both parents’ religions.

Totally.  It's as long as the couples agree and can manage whatever the religious situation is -interfaith or otherwise - in harmony.  (I will say I worship Coffee and I married a non-Coffee drinker who wouldn't know how to make me coffee but respects my need for it).  In all honesty religion was on the very short list of musts for me.  I never got involved seriously with anyone outside of my religion.  I did go on a few dates as a teenager but that was it.  I have many friends in healthy and happy interfaith marriages.

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11 hours ago, Jessie29 said:

I have been amidst choosing my family and my boyfriend for quite a long time. We both are from different religions.

How long have you been dating?  Are you from different cultures/countries? 

Is this the same man?:

 

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If your faith is important to you and his is to him...well, unless you two can reach a reasonable compromise this will not work.

My former husband is a practicing Catholic and I am an agnostic (although I went to Catholic schools at the insistence of my parents, for non-religious reasons I might add). We agreed any children we had would go to church with him and would receive all sacraments until they were old enough to decide on their own. However, I drew the line at sending them to Catholic school. We agreed on these terms. My son still attends church every Sunday with his grandmother although he isn't an active church member. But my point is, we agreed on a good compromise that worked for us.

If you two can't agree, and if he's lying to you about some things, this is not the "loving and caring" partner you're looking for.

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Interfaith marriages really do not work when both parties are very committed to their respective religions, because it just can't. In fact, I have never understood why committed people want to marry outside their faiths as it makes up such a big part of their beings and their daily lives. People with lower levels of commitment, or no commitment can make it work, as can marriages where one is committed and one is not, provided the one who is not is okay raising their child in the other partner's faith. 

I write this from knowing a lot of people in interfaith relationships -- and while the IDEA that you could raise your children in two religions and let them pick is tenable, the actual practice practically never works out that way and you end up with children raised one way or the other from early on. I know of one couple who raised their children with two faiths and to their surprise they ended up with children who thought religion was stupid because everything they saw was contradictory, consequently, they grew up to practice nothing, which is, in all cases, a possibility. 

While I am not incredibly observant I will say my religion and background is such a part of me that it never occurred to me to marry someone outside my faith -- it would have been very troublesome, and in some ways, exhausting to have to keep explaining things. And our daughter, also somewhat on and off in observance, makes it a big part of her identity and choices. But she could have ended up singing in airports, it's a crapshoot. 

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5 minutes ago, arjumand said:

But she could have ended up singing in airports, it's a crapshoot. 

LOLLLL.  So I think with the "we'll do both" what often happens with children is the more "fun" religion wins out when they are kids -or the one that most in the neighborhood/community celebrate.  

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12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So he's not quite the "caring and loving" partner you want.

Too many issues, IMO. 

Has he proposed marriage to you?

Yes 2 weeks ago when his parents asked him when he wants to get married. After the call disconnected he asked me “when are we gonna get married”. He knows that due to his religion my family is against this relationship.

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1 minute ago, Jessie29 said:

 his parents asked him when he wants to get married. After the call disconnected he asked me “when are we gonna get married”. He knows that due to his religion my family is against this relationship.

So both your families disapprove. Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage or do his parents have a woman in mind for him in his home country? Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage?

Keep in mind he may just be playing house with you for the perks but ultimately he will marry someone from his culture/religion.

Move out. Find someone more appropriate.  Does he need a visa/residency? Why does he want to marry?

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3 hours ago, Jessie29 said:

Yes 2 weeks ago when his parents asked him when he wants to get married. After the call disconnected he asked me “when are we gonna get married”. He knows that due to his religion my family is against this relationship.

So did you choose a wedding date?

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On 1/18/2022 at 11:23 PM, Jessie29 said:

Even though its said that a caring and loving partner is all you need

A caring and loving partner wouldn't be dismissive of your concerns, but rather willing to work out these important details of a shared future until you reach an agreement. 

Since he's lied to you before, I'd want that agreement in writing--but my larger question would be whether I'd really want to get married to him. Once you're bound, it's hell to get out. If he flips the table and turns into a bully about religion or children, what will you do then?

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