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Wife hates my Mom and its making me very sad


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For the sake of your marriage you need to prioritize your wife, the fact she threatens divorce over seeing her over bearing MIL tells me there are some more factors at play. Has your wife shared any of the messages your mother has sent her? A constant sniping tone for 8 years can be a bit much.

My father's mother hated my mom, despite my mom doing everything she could to mend the relationship the old crone would have none of it. My father had a clear choice to support his wife or his mother, he chose his wife despite the gnashing of teeth and wailing. In the end my parents have been together 40 some years.

The point here is you need to make a decision, who is the family you are devoted to; your wife and kids or your parents?

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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I was going to say that try for a year not to see anybody’s parents neither ones. 

To be fair we have basically done that due to COVID. Saw neither side in 2020 but hers in 2021 for 3 weeks and mine for 2 weekends.

I have to say I’m pretty shocked at so many people basically saying “don’t bother seeing either set of ILs for a while”. Both sets are getting old quickly and the kids grow up quickly. Both my wife and I have respect for our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. That’s something we have in common. 

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2 minutes ago, Robbie2030 said:

To be fair we have basically done that due to COVID. Saw neither side in 2020 but hers in 2021 for 3 weeks and mine for 2 weekends.

I have to say I’m pretty shocked at so many people basically saying “don’t bother seeing either set of ILs for a while”. Both sets are getting old quickly and the kids grow up quickly. Both my wife and I have respect for our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. That’s something we have in common. 

Who says we don’t though? I adore my mom she will be 76 in 2 months and my step dad was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adored him and he adored me. He just died in Nov. He was 2 weeks from being 82. My husband idolized his dad. He died in July. He was almost 90 years old . 

My in-laws hated me and I didn’t much like them either. I can stomach my MIL more now because she is too elderly to get into it with me, she is 87. So I know how your wife feels and like you my husband used to back his dad and it caused us untold grief and heartache and damaged our marriage some . But who is finishing out life with him ? Oh yeah, ME. Don’t think I value my mom and or my step dad less because I can put a boundary where it belongs. My mom raised me to go get my own life. And my bio dad well if you could’ve raised yourself and been the hell out of the house by eight years old that would have thrilled him to no end. 
 

I am not sure what you are calling old. I am 55 and my son is 24. 

What I am telling you is you need to value the family you made. That doesn’t mean you are abandoning your family of origin. You are short changing your wife and short changing your children if you don’t do so. You can’t serve two masters. 
 

 

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9 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

 

22 minutes ago, Robbie2030 said:

To be fair we have basically done that due to COVID. Saw neither side in 2020 but hers in 2021 for 3 weeks and mine for 2 weekends.

I have to say I’m pretty shocked at so many people basically saying “don’t bother seeing either set of ILs for a while”. Both sets are getting old quickly and the kids grow up quickly. Both my wife and I have respect for our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. That’s something we have in common. 

Expand  

Who says we don’t though? I adore my mom she will be 76 in 2 months and my step dad was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adored him and he adored me. He just died in Nov. He was 2 weeks from being 82. My husband idolized his dad. He died in July. He was almost 90 years old . 

My in-laws hated me and I didn’t much like them either. I can stomach my MIL more now because she is too elderly to get into it with me, she is 87. So I know how your wife feels and like you my husband used to back his dad and it caused us untold grief and heartache and damaged our marriage some . But who is finishing out life with him ? Oh yeah, ME. Don’t think I value my mom and or my step dad less because I can put a boundary where it belongs. My mom raised me to go get my own life. And my bio dad well if you could’ve raised yourself and been the hell out of the house by eight years old that would have thrilled him to no end. 
 

I am not sure what you are calling old. I am 55 and my son is 24. 

What I am telling you is you need to value the family you made. That doesn’t mean you are abandoning your family of origin. You are short changing your wife and short changing your children if you don’t do so. You can’t serve two masters. 

 

They are I their 80s but I see your point and it would be nice to have a family holiday w/o any in-laws. That said it’s not only me who is pushing to see their parents, we saw hers 3 weeks last summer, that was our whole annual vacation and no complaints from me. I was happy they got to see the kids. So why does she block me seeing mine, even though I am fine to take the kids without her if she doesn’t want to come? 

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1 minute ago, Robbie2030 said:

They are I their 80s but I see your point and it would be nice to have a family holiday w/o any in-laws. That said it’s not only me who is pushing to see their parents, we saw hers 3 weeks last summer, that was our whole annual vacation and no complaints from me. I was happy they got to see the kids. So why does she block me seeing mine, even though I am fine to take the kids without her if she doesn’t want to come? 

Because you are both putting each other in an impossible situation by not supporting each other and this will end your marriage, guarantee it. 
 

you are petulant that she won’t like your parents. and she is petulant about not letting you see them. It is all about controlling each other . 

Edited by Seraphim
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And I will say my husband is like you about that too like  like my parents like my parents like my parents. And I tell him well I know you love them whoop dee do you do I don’t, and I don’t have to . They were never nice or even kind to me.  And he would tell me oh they love you really and I said may be in your fantasy. However , I never told him he could never see his parents and our son could never see his parents. He could see his parents whenever he wished I couldn’t have cared less. But he would demand that I went with him. Which literally tortured me to death and made me so angry you have no idea. 
DONT DO THAT. 

Edited by Seraphim
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5 minutes ago, Robbie2030 said:

They are I their 80s but I see your point and it would be nice to have a family holiday w/o any in-laws. That said it’s not only me who is pushing to see their parents, we saw hers 3 weeks last summer, that was our whole annual vacation and no complaints from me. I was happy they got to see the kids. So why does she block me seeing mine, even though I am fine to take the kids without her if she doesn’t want to come? 

This is why I think many are saying spend less time with the in-laws. Both of your vacation times are being consumed by in-law time, while not bad it is damaging the marriage.

When you look back on your childhood do you remember family vacations with your parents more than visits to grandparents? Many do.

I would say it's time to prioritize making memories for your kids while they are young enough. This isn't snubbing the inlaws as much as it's building your family.

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2 hours ago, Coily said:

I would say it's time to prioritize making memories for your kids while they are young enough. This isn't snubbing the inlaws as much as it's building your family.

We were lucky as kids that we lived near my grandma so there was no need to travel to see her. That meant we could take more family holidays. I would be OK to reduce the time I see my parents so we could have more time to take a family vacation. But I doubt my wife would reduce the time she sees hers. They are further away than mine and she really values those trips. So it would likely just be my parents we see less. 

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22 minutes ago, Robbie2030 said:

We were lucky as kids that we lived near my grandma so there was no need to travel to see her. That meant we could take more family holidays. I would be OK to reduce the time I see my parents so we could have more time to take a family vacation. But I doubt my wife would reduce the time she sees hers. They are further away than mine and she really values those trips. So it would likely just be my parents we see less. 

Do you want to be right or do you want to be close?

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12 hours ago, Robbie2030 said:

Isn’t that a bit harsh? Is it wrong for me to want my parents to see my kids? And of course we have had family holidays w/o any grandparents but it’s not easy as we see my wife’s parents 3 weeks a year and try to see mine 4 weekends as I mentioned. I get that my mom is difficult but I am not prepared to say to her and my dad that they won’t see their grandkids even 4x a year. After they spent 18 years of their lives raising me and a lot of that looking after their elderly parents too, I would feel that is very disrespectful.

I don't think it's harsh at all.  I had a horrible MIL and nobody ever stood up for me and told her to knock it off.  She got a free pass from everyone every time she took a cheap shot at me.  How I wish someone had had my back, even just once.

I believe you should see your folks, of course, but not at your wife's expense.  She should stay home or find something else to do if she goes to the same city/town with you that your parents live in.  Your mother isn't likely to change.

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8 hours ago, Robbie2030 said:

I would be OK to reduce the time I see my parents so we could have more time to take a family vacation. So it would likely just be my parents we see less. 

Excellent. Do that. Your marriage is on the rocks because you spend too much time with your family. It's that simple. Worse is you force them on each other. That never works.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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I think I'm gonna go against everyone on here. Your wife is selfish. She wants to see her parents 3 weeks a year, but is bothered by seeing yours 4 weekends a year. That's unfair to you and your children. Why should they only spend time with their maternal grandparents? Also, she doesn't want to go but she doesn't want to you to go without her. Honestly, if you guys can agree on this...what does the rest of your life look like with her? 

Don't let people on here tell you that your wife is right and she is first and blah blah blah. Because she is not trying to compromise. If you can make sacrifices, why can't she? 

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20 hours ago, Robbie2030 said:

why does she block me seeing mine, even though I am fine to take the kids without her if she doesn’t want to come? 

Cuz your mom is a jerk to your wife.  And I wouldn't want to not be with my kids either. 5 days is a long time to spend with someone who's a jerk to you, 3 to 4 times a year.  If you want to see your folks, go to visit them on your own.  Then, save some money, and take one of the 5 zillion trips you take to see parents to go on a real vacation that doesn't involve anyone's folks.

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16 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Also people remember far more about their parents and the parents’ relationship and the times and memories they made together than they ever remember about their grandparents. 

100% true.  I would rather have happy and cohesive parents as a child.  Not one where a parent is choosing others over eachother.

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On 1/19/2022 at 6:38 AM, Robbie2030 said:

Isn’t that a bit harsh? Is it wrong for me to want my parents to see my kids? And of course we have had family holidays w/o any grandparents but it’s not easy as we see my wife’s parents 3 weeks a year and try to see mine 4 weekends as I mentioned. I get that my mom is difficult but I am not prepared to say to her and my dad that they won’t see their grandkids even 4x a year. After they spent 18 years of their lives raising me and a lot of that looking after their elderly parents too, I would feel that is very disrespectful.

Actually Wiseman is right...it's you.

You're married to your wife. You need to have HER back, and stand behind her all the way in order to save your marriage.

If your Mother starts in on your wife, tell her you're not going to tolerate her disrespecting your wife like this and you, or your wife won't have any communication with her if that's what she is going to do.

Then literally have your wife block her messages, don't respond.

You told your Mom repeatedly to stop the "advice" and stop the pestering. 

She refuses. And with that, there is consequences.

To continue to ignore the issue, look the other way, and to downplay your wifes feelings...the outcome will be the same, every time. Fighting between the two, your wife angry at you, and your Mom thinking she did no wrong.

YOU have to put your foot down.

Tell your Mom enough is enough and it's going to stop NOW, or there will be no more visits or communication.

You have a life with your wife. Your first priority is your wife. Her feelings matter above all else in this situation.

Your marriage is what comes first.

As for the visits, go together, but as soon as your Mom starts it up again, politely tell her you're not standing for it, and all of you leave.

Your Mom will learn soon enough that she can't continue her disrespectful, toxic ways if she wants to see her son and grandchildren.

There is no other solution here, and if you don't start today, you're going to lose your marriage.

What also is long overdue? Go to your wife today, apologize. Tell her you're sorry you didn't stand up for her more, and it won't happen again.

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11 hours ago, Bluemoon456 said:

I think I'm gonna go against everyone on here. Your wife is selfish. She wants to see her parents 3 weeks a year, but is bothered by seeing yours 4 weekends a year. That's unfair to you and your children. Why should they only spend time with their maternal grandparents? Also, she doesn't want to go but she doesn't want to you to go without her. Honestly, if you guys can agree on this...what does the rest of your life look like with her? 

Don't let people on here tell you that your wife is right and she is first and blah blah blah. Because she is not trying to compromise. If you can make sacrifices, why can't she? 

You will find yourself in divorce court if you do this.

You wife does come first. 

Your life is with her, your children deserve a happy home with both parents who are happy with one another.

Your mother is slowing destroying that.

If you continue down the path you are, and NOT putting your wife's feelings above all else and you do divorce, your Mom isn't going to fix it, is she?

She'll continue life with her husband, and you'll be out in the cold on your own with no partner, and sharing custody of your kids.

Mom isn't your future here, your wife is.

Don't forget that.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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