He deleted me after first date?

[Anxietygirl]

6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You are both young and learning who you are and how to date as adults so relax about the whole thing.

Leaving him on read told him yes I read what you wrote but I am not into you enough to respond in a timely manner.  He got butt hurt and over reacted.  Don't play games.

 I am sure he was pretty insecure and embarrassed after ejaculating in his pants and when you left him on read it just added to that.

 If you like this guy and think this was a huge misunderstanding then wait a few days for things to calm down and call him.  If he doesn't answer leave him a message and then let it go.

  If were on the fence about him anyways then it was a good learning experience.

  Mistakes happen everyday to everyone and if we blocked and deleted everyone in our lives when they make a mistake or misunderstand our actions we all would be pretty alone don't you think?

 Look at this from his point of view and then decide what to do.

  Lost

 

Thank you!!!! This was very helpful.bI think I’m just upset at how when we were texting we really seemed to click and we clicked so well on the date but I really thought he was going to be different as silly as that sounds. He was saying in text all these things about relationships and he was so kind and so thoughtful. I’m just upset that he tried to use me for sex but luckily I had my dignity and did not have sex or anytning sexual apart from kissing and touching his leg.

[Anxietygirl]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But then why did you want to see him again?

I know!!! I think it’s because of the impression he gave me before meeting that he was a real gentleman and he wanted something serious and he would treat me right. I just thought he would be different and be a good man, I’ve had experiences with men where before I had been used for sex and it’s taught me to never have sex for a long time with the guy you’re seeing. I just feel sad that I get sexualised and never seen for someone to love.

[boltnrun]

It's easy to "click" when all you're doing is typing onto a tiny screen.  BTW, that is not "clicking".  It's words on a screen.

The best and most important way to get to know someone is to meet them in a public place using your own mode of transportation and then proceeding to actual dates if the two of you agree.

1 minute ago, Anxietygirl said:

I just feel sad that I get sexualised and never seen for someone to love.

So don't do this anymore.  Don't place so much importance on texting and don't worry about whether or not a guy likes you.  Worry about whether YOU like HIM, in person and in a safe manner.

Remember, YOU get to choose who you allow into your life.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Anxietygirl said:

Thank you!!!! This was very helpful.bI think I’m just upset at how when we were texting we really seemed to click and we clicked so well on the date but I really thought he was going to be different as silly as that sounds. He was saying in text all these things about relationships and he was so kind and so thoughtful. I’m just upset that he tried to use me for sex but luckily I had my dignity and did not have sex or anytning sexual apart from kissing and touching his leg.

I don't think he was trying to use you.  He wanted to have sex.  He wanted to see if you wanted to as well.  Adults who agree to have sex with each other aren't using each other.  They just like having sex right away. I never would but please don't assume anyone is using anyone else.

Please don't try to get to know someone's character and values this way if you plan on going on a date/first meet.  Simply determine whether you'd be comfortable meeting in person in a public place for about 45 minutes to an hour to see if it makes sense to go on a real first date.  Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what he says.  For example if he interacts as a customer or with waitstaff is he polite and respectful? Does he make good eye contact with you?  What's his body language like? Etc. 

Have a phone call where you determine if you can -without being overbearing -whether he lied about anything major on his profile, see if the conversation is good enough to meet for 45 minutes in person, see if he's willing to set up a first meet within a week or so (it's not asking him out -it's him or you suggesting a first meet).  See if he shows up on time and dresses appropriately and has good hygiene -all that stuff.

[Anxietygirl]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's easy to "click" when all you're doing is typing onto a tiny screen.  BTW, that is not "clicking".  It's words on a screen.

The best and most important way to get to know someone is to meet them in a public place using your own mode of transportation and then proceeding to actual dates if the two of you agree.

So don't do this anymore.  Don't place so much importance on texting and don't worry about whether or not a guy likes you.  Worry about whether YOU like HIM, in person and in a safe manner.

Remember, YOU get to choose who you allow into your life.

You’re right!! I need to put myself first and stop thinking do they like me or worrying if they like me, I need to worry if I like them and stop worrying what they think!!! I need to put myself first. I have these walls up where if s guy is acting shady or strange I just ignore him or don’t give him attention, I don’t go chasing after guys or texting and texting them annoying them. Sometimes it is my downfall that I overthink too fast but from everyones helpful advice I’ve realised he’s a jerk who was looking for one thing. I do need to stop thinking that I like someone because of texting them, anyone can have a good personality on the phone. 

[Anxietygirl]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he was trying to use you.  He wanted to have sex.  He wanted to see if you wanted to as well.  Adults who agree to have sex with each other aren't using each other.  They just like having sex right away. I never would but please don't assume anyone is using anyone else.

Please don't try to get to know someone's character and values this way if you plan on going on a date/first meet.  Simply determine whether you'd be comfortable meeting in person in a public place for about 45 minutes to an hour to see if it makes sense to go on a real first date.  Watch the feet -what the person does -not the lips -what he says.  For example if he interacts as a customer or with waitstaff is he polite and respectful? Does he make good eye contact with you?  What's his body language like? Etc. 

Have a phone call where you determine if you can -without being overbearing -whether he lied about anything major on his profile, see if the conversation is good enough to meet for 45 minutes in person, see if he's willing to set up a first meet within a week or so (it's not asking him out -it's him or you suggesting a first meet).  See if he shows up on time and dresses appropriately and has good hygiene -all that stuff.

Yes you’re right!! I was with him for a duration of five hours, next time I’m going to arrange to meet in a public place to grab a coffee or something. I’m sorry if this is too much information but he was complimenting my breasts ( which I was wear a v line top where you could see a bit but I was never naked or had my top or bra off) which I found a bit creepy. He complimented my looks saying im pretty, cute and hot and that I had a cute laugh. I did like the compliments but now im thinking maybe that’s because he was trying to woo me to have sex. I’m overthinking that he didn’t have any attraction to me at all or maybe I sound silly.

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Anxietygirl said:

I’m overthinking that he didn’t have any attraction to me at all or maybe I sound silly.

There you go again, worrying about whether he likes you instead of focusing on the real issue...YOU don't like HIM because he acted creepy, said inappropriate things and didn't respect your wishes when you tried to stop him from kissing you.

YOU have to like HIM.  That is what's important.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Anxietygirl said:

I did anything wrong by leaving him on read I just wasn’t sure of how he felt and by him being creepy on the date I think I should have deleted him more like! Would it be okay if you could please elaborate on why you think there was no fact in me saying to him that I didn’t think he liked me?

Okay, I didn't know he was acting creepy on your date, well that's another red flag... right?

I was saying I didn't think by sounds of that he didn't fancy you, as he said he liked you.. didn't he?

Either way, his behaviour is off!  To act like he was.. being creepy then reacting that way & blocking you.

Good, the trash took itself out 😉 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Anxietygirl said:

think it’s because of the impression he gave me before meeting that he was a real gentleman and he wanted something serious and he would treat me right.

But what gave you that impression -a stranger's words? You have to see how he acts in person -and not just to you -to waitstaff, to people at the next table, to someone walking near you who is in a hurry, etc etc.  No need to go to the extreme of "focus on me!!" -no need to "focus" - just "be" - just be a person who is reasonably confident and knows her values and boundaries so that you decide if this person is compatible with you.  No intensity needed.  Mostly common sense from a place of reasonable security.

[Batya33]

I'm not advising you to be cynical and never believe what someone says but to focus on what the person does and what he does in person in a variety of normal life situations.  He may be telling the truth about his values but that's a small part of learning about a person -you trust relative to how well you know the person.  You don't assume he is lying - he may believe this about himself and be in denial.  One exception -if a person tells you right off the bat "I am not looking for a relationship" believe the words 100%.

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest I think he acted weird. You didn't leave him on read that long, right? So he just assumed you're not interested just because you didn't reply for a bit and then just deleted you? He either just lost interest himself because he was trying to get sex or he's just too sensitive. Also he seems to have some kind of premature ejaculation issue.

[Bluemoon456]

You dodge a bullet. Please be careful next time. Some men are just looking for sex...so they'll say things like "you are the prettiest girl I've met"...."You are not like other girls"..."i've never felt this way before". You are young. Enjoy being young and meeting new people. 

[Wiseman2]

Read up on  "online dating safety tips".  Do not consider it a complement if someone just wants sex.

[Rose Mosse]

On 1/18/2022 at 3:34 PM, Anxietygirl said:

Hi, thanks so much I think it’s the right thing to do. What reasons are you saying that? Just to make me feel better about it haha 

You’re a bundle of nerves and uneasy around him. Pay attention to your instincts and if you feel uneasy stop communicating or seeing that person. 

Driving you to dark or secluded places is not appropriate for a date idea this early. It’s dangerous too. Be more careful and less naive. 

Treat this as a lesson learned but don’t get too jaded and paint everyone by the same brush either. Meet your dates in public spaces to start, keep the dates short and gradually spend more time together over a longer period of time. 

[Anxietygirl]

19 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest I think he acted weird. You didn't leave him on read that long, right? So he just assumed you're not interested just because you didn't reply for a bit and then just deleted you? He either just lost interest himself because he was trying to get sex or he's just too sensitive. Also he seems to have some kind of premature ejaculation issue.

It’s been four days and I don’t know why but I can’t stop thinking about it, I’ve tried to get it out of my head but I don’t know why I can’t. The whole thing really just upset me. Before we met I had told him about this exercise and diet routine I’ve had since the start of January and sometimes when I was hungry he would send pictures of thin celebrities eating pizza and ice cream basically saying that I can eat pizza too. I know that sounds silly but stuff like that made me think that he really is there for me and cares. Maybe I’m young and naive 

[Anxietygirl]

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You’re a bundle of nerves and uneasy around him. Pay attention to your instincts and if you feel uneasy stop communicating or seeing that person. 

Driving you to dark or secluded places is not appropriate for a date idea this early. It’s dangerous too. Be more careful and less naive. 

Treat this as a lesson learned but don’t get too jaded and paint everyone by the same brush either. Meet your dates in public spaces to start, keep the dates short and gradually spend more time together over a longer period of time. 

I just felt like it was very unclassy and very disrespectful, I’m not saying I want a massive expensive fancy date but somewhere dark, it really just implies he just wanted sex which annoys me because he had me fooled. Luckily I didn’t have sex or any sexual acts but I basically was used because he got the same end result as ejaculating? So I kind of feel used?

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, Anxietygirl said:

I just felt like it was very unclassy and very disrespectful, I’m not saying I want a massive expensive fancy date but somewhere dark, it really just implies he just wanted sex which annoys me because he had me fooled. Luckily I didn’t have sex or any sexual acts but I basically was used because he got the same end result as ejaculating? So I kind of feel used?

Why were you used? You never met him before.  You were going on a first meet.  You weren't exclusively dating -you were two strangers.  You agreed to go in his car for a drive -to be alone with him in private - of course if you'd told him "I'll go but I don't feel comfortable kissing yet" or something like that and he forced you then of course -but it sounds like you agreed, you thought it would be fun and it wasn't.  You regret it.  You weren't used.  He's entitled to assume you were up for hooking up based on your actions.  

You focused on the words, the typing of a stranger.  Ask yourself why you chose to do that, why you chose to have expectations of what he would be like in person based on typed words.  Do you think you were feeling needy and vulnerable and so you hooked on to a stranger's typing and texts and sending you cute photos?

[Anxietygirl]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why were you used? You never met him before.  You were going on a first meet.  You weren't exclusively dating -you were two strangers.  You agreed to go in his car for a drive -to be alone with him in private - of course if you'd told him "I'll go but I don't feel comfortable kissing yet" or something like that and he forced you then of course -but it sounds like you agreed, you thought it would be fun and it wasn't.  You regret it.  You weren't used.  He's entitled to assume you were up for hooking up based on your actions.  

You focused on the words, the typing of a stranger.  Ask yourself why you chose to do that, why you chose to have expectations of what he would be like in person based on typed words.  Do you think you were feeling needy and vulnerable and so you hooked on to a stranger's typing and texts and sending you cute photos?

See we’ve matched on tinder before a few times And talked but it would be brief, tbh I had to convince myself I was attracted to him. See with the kiss of Course I wanted to kiss him but I had a few sips of drink before I left to calm the nerves, when he leant in to kiss me he had his hand on the back of my head, I laughed and pulled away and apologised saying I was nervous, then he tried again and I pulled away because of nerves. The third time I kissed him back but I felt for the whole date he kept on trying to kiss me and I felt like he was just looking sex and not an intellectual meaning conversation. I did cling onto him too much which is embarrassing 

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, Anxietygirl said:

See we’ve matched on tinder before a few times And talked but it would be brief, tbh I had to convince myself I was attracted to him. See with the kiss of Course I wanted to kiss him but I had a few sips of drink before I left to calm the nerves, when he leant in to kiss me he had his hand on the back of my head, I laughed and pulled away and apologised saying I was nervous, then he tried again and I pulled away because of nerves. The third time I kissed him back but I felt for the whole date he kept on trying to kiss me and I felt like he was just looking sex and not an intellectual meaning conversation. I did cling onto him too much which is embarrassing 

So here's the thing - there's no such thing to convince yourself to be attracted to someone  - either you desire to kiss him or you don't .  You kissed him back.  It's normal for a man to try to kiss a woman especially if she kisses him back.  Maybe he was just looking for sex -but that's also normal when two people meet. What's not normal is since you were not just looking for sex, then why did you stay, why did you get in a car with him? It's very very normal to meet a stranger for the first time and find out you two don't have much in common or don't share common goals. 

You are kind of all over the place -you clung onto him yet had to convince yourself to be attracted to him?  You needed alcohol to be on a first meet with someone? Absolutely dating is hard and sometimes people get nervous -I did! - but ask yourself why you were lying to yourself, giving yourself so many mixed messages with your actions and doing the same to him?

[Tinydance]

Look to be really honest I think this date with this guy unfortunately ended the way a lot of online dating goes. I think maybe even if he didn't prematurely ejaculate or whatever it was but very often you go on dates with people and it just doesn't go anywhere. It's not always necessarily because that person just wanted sex but it might just be because he's just not really that into it.

He may have been unsure if he wants to see you again so he just needed an excuse to delete you from Snapchat. If he was interested then I don't think he'd just get rid of you. Unfortunately I don't think he was really that interested.

I don't think you should give up on dating and you should just continue dating other guys. If you're worried they're just looking for sex then my suggestion would be not to do anything sexual straight away. I think just go on a few dates out in public and see how it goes. If the guy wants more than just sex then he'll keep going on dates and enjoying getting to know you and he won't expect anything.

[boltnrun]

I think until you change this mindset you have of worrying and worrying if a guy likes you instead of deciding whether or not YOU like HIM, you'll continue to be anxious and full of self doubt.

Think of yourself as the prize. Don't let anyone into your life unless they meet your criteria for a good date and then a good partner.

[Caesar45]

Wow I mean really you expected him to understand this!

He is a men he dont know anything about the emotional roller coasters women go through.You deleted him so he took it as a sign of beign not intrested and also probably saw it as an insult and moved on to other girls.

I mean what do you expect "giving him space not responding etc" how can you expect a men to understand it he is a men after all he thinks and acts like a machine in most cases.

How do I know because I am a men too.