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Conflict regarding making friends


Sky_
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Hi everyone, hope you're all having a great day.

Well, I have never quite investigated or properly put my thoughts into words about this so I'm going to try my best, sorry if it's too long or confusing.

I'm basically constantly in conflict of what I want, most of the time I'm completely fine by myself and can't be bothered, then the next day I want to make friends, cycle repeats.

Then again I mostly limit my interactions online as I moved a while ago and I really don't want to get to know the places around with covid and all, besides I think that's beyond the point since this also happened while I had irl friends anyway.

Okay so, with both online and irl friendships (not interested in romantic relationships at all) I always start with this huge energy boost where we constantly talk with each other, message each other, talk about lots of stuff like hobbies, favorite movies, music, all that stuff and it's great! Honestly I do love getting to know people, it's heartwarming.

Here's the thing tho, it's like this is a separate version of myself, I often find myself wishing to be back to the "regular" which is minding my own business by myself. Let me try to explain as best as I can.

My personality has changed a lot through the years, mostly after learning actual value of friendships, ditching toxic people and overall figuring things out and growing up. Last 7 or 8 years have been a self improvement path that I'm quite proud of, but this is basically what hasn't changed.

I fluctuate a lot between wanting to make friends (and actually trying) and minding my own business with zero things bothering me. I think I can't find a balance between both, sooner or later talking and keeping up with friends becomes a huge chore that quite honestly annoys me and often have to retreat into my "selfish self" for a while without any explanation.

Legit writing even a short text or giving any explanation, or coming up with one feels like an impossible task even tho I can be working my butt off at the same time, it feels like a huge energy drain to keep up with friends sometimes and it makes me feel stressed and sometimes it combines with stress from work or being tired and my willingness to work out that friendship becomes impossible to deal with.

I don't really know why I'm like this, I'm just curious, really. I'd like to find a proper balance and keep friendships for longer, I want I avoid forgetting to reply or even ghosting people accidentally or purposefully. Don't get me wrong I do actually like talking and getting to know people a lot, even tho I'm an introvert I managed to improve this a lot, and still, at some point I just no longer have the energy to keep up.

Combined to this, I may also be VERY picky with what kind of people I want to be friends with, I usually avoid A LOT of people with what I consider lame or toxic behaviours, I think I judge  lot but never have to say it because I simply don't chase anything with these people, it's simple.

I usually avoid people that are overly toxic and loud, people that only wait their paycheck desperately so they can get drunk every week, people who just call you when they need you, and overall just people that don't seem interested in a stronger sense of friendship like I do.

It's fine, we all can choose right? I mean maybe my personality might be unlikable to other people too, but what I find most attractive in people is their personality so it's a huge deal for me, and I know being picky and so indecisive about wanting to make friends aren't exactly good personality traits.

I do get complimented a lot, my nowadays me is nothing like before! But I have yet another issue on top of the stated above.

I also feel like often friendships go nowhere, they eventually turn into boring chit chat everytime or meaningless conversations, not sure if there's someone at fault here o just think it happens naturally but don't know why.

Lastly, maybe my expectations or idea or friendship are flawed or unrealistic? Maybe I don't know. If I'm being honest, I don't think I've had a real friend yet, and I just turned 25.

I've lost friends or ended friendships mostly when the other person betrays me or something, if there's something I'm good at when dealing with people is dropping my interest, ghosting or ending the friendship very efficiently and with zero remorse or second thoughts really, when people use me or betray me I just no longer feel anything towards them and lose all interest, also I'm too tired after work to involve into any drama haha!

I know MBTI might be silly to a lot and to be honest it kinda is to me now, but if it helps as any insight, I'm INTJ.

Sorry if this was a bit long and confusing, like I said before I wasn't very sure how to write down se thoughts into words properly. I'm just wondering if this is at least somewhat common or known, I'm very good at many things but at this type of stuff I'm clueless!

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Try not to pigeonhole yourself into a ridgid box.

Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents?

Are you involved in clubs groups fitness and sports and volunteering?

Are you asexual or just afraid of relationships? Have you ever been interested in dating?

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about the mood swings, asexuality, and tendency to withdraw and feel paranoid about people "being toxic and betraying you".

A lot of mental health and neurological issues peak or are first diagnosed in people's 20s, so get checked out since this is bothering you.

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I think it's fine to be selective about friendships and could it be you're spending too much time typing and texting instead of having a phone call or meeting (I know, covid).  Also check in with yourself so you don't get to that breaking point and you can balance being in contact and having your own time.  

If keeping in touch and being a reliable friend feels like too much effort in a given situation it's probably because you don't feel the connection - are you a good listener? Do you ask follow up questions? Are you thinking more about what to say next instead of what the person is sharing? Have you thought about meeting people through a shared activity like hiking or volunteering backstage at a community theater(where my introverted ex boyfriend connected with so many people as did so many other people in that particular theater group).

Why do you feel pressure to be in touch with more than just a few people?  Is that what you really want? 

You seem to like the excitement of getting to know someone but you don't feel interested in keeping in touch and getting to know them on a deeper, longer term level.  I will say its nice to have long term history with someone -one of my friends I met in 1980 -we're still close, another in the early 80s and yes we actually fell out of touch for a number of years but we still are in touch -mostly text - almost daily.  My husband who is introverted/shy side has had close friends for that long too.  We're in our 50s.  It's like family and precious.

What's heartwarming to you about getting to know someone and that initial rush but then you find you don't care enough to stay in touch - do you actually like the person or just find it interesting at first like some sort of science experiment to find out what makes that person tick then once you do - meh? Figure out for yourself what motivates you to connect with people.  Good luck!

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Frankly it doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with you. You’re discerning about your company but a little down because those around you may be lame, toxic or superficial. 

There’s a lot of movement in a person’s mid 20s. Around that age a lot of people are going their separate ways, either dispersing internationally to pursue careers and travel or start families. 

I was INTJ at your age also, it changed to another set of letters in my 30s and when I last took the test a decade later it was different yet again. You’re growing. Stay open to evolving and learning. Change things about yourself you think need improvement.

You might feel better if you actually joined groups with an underlying purpose and meaning. Find a cause that matters to you and join ranks with those who are also working to make a difference in your community. 

I’ve never accepted tiredness as an excuse for not doing what I love or involving myself more in what matters to me. Eat well and exercise as well as these affect your moods and fatigue. If you are going to invest any little time or energy into something it’s your food and exercise. 

 

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