Tell me how to heal and forget

[Rachel]

hey, I hope you’re all doing well because I’m clearly not. my boyfriend of 9 months just broke up with me last Sunday. he told me that he is not in a position where he would be able to split his focus between his career and relationships. we’re coming from an Asian family. most of Asians elders are very conservative. both of my ex’s parents have established a good career whilst my ex (a 23yo) male hasn’t found a permanent job yet. he told me that he was insecure of me and his friends and he felt bad for me because he’s been so busy lately, we argued a lot too these days and he told me that I deserve something better than what we had together. he told me he’s still in love with me but he didn’t want us to force our relationship. he once told me that he still wished that we would end up together again one day, somehow. is it bad that I’m still hoping for that?

i told him I would wait for him but he told me not to. he wanted to put some distance because he couldn’t promise me anything at the moment. I don’t understand. why did he have to give up when I told him I was fine with everything? he said he loves me but why gave up?

[melancholy123]

The male brain doest fully mature until age 25 so he's not there yet.  I have a feeling he may want to explore a relationship with someone else, not necessarily now, but down the road.  

You should never wait for any guy to decide he wants you. You have to learn to accept the situation and move on.  It's not easy, there is no magic way to do it, it just takes time.  You won't forget because you cant, he's in your memory.  So you carry on in your life doing the daily things you do, put one foot in front of the other.  If you truly cant function then some therapy could help you get past this.

[Rose Mosse]

How old are you, OP? He’s not interested or you don’t fit the bill or figure that his family approves. Work on your own career and find someone who appreciates you.

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter what you think. It’s impossible to rationalize with a person who isn’t accepting of him/herself.

Focus on your own future and consider this completely over. 

[SooSad33]

I second what Melancholy said... don't wait & sit on hope.  You work on accepting what is now and focus on YOU.

And to work on getting over someone you do not deal with them at all anymore.  Be done - totally!  For your own sake.  To keep tabs on them, follow or agree to 'be friends' will do you no good 😕 .

It was 9 months.  Less than one year, and is normal in this time frame for one or the other partner to realize this isn't for them.  Nothing the other person can do but work on accepting, healing and moving on.

So, now you keep moving forward with your own life.. hang with friends & family, get your sleep, eat well, get some air, etc.  Keep busy other ways, away from anything to do with him.... In time this will all ease off and each day will be a little better.

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Rachel said:

why did he have to give up when I told him I was fine with everything? he said he loves me but why gave up?

Because, unfortunately, he's not being honest about still being in love with you. 

He's trying to sugar-coat the break-up but a man who is in love with you isn't going to let you go. It seems he's trying to be kind but isn't being totally sincere in how he's feeling. 

And apparently, he just doesn't feel the same way about you any longer. It hurts but it's better to part ways rather than stay with someone who doesn't truly want to be there anymore. 

[Cherylyn]

You can heal.  Forgetting is impossible.  The only way to forget is by allowing time to cause you not to remember as frequently as nowadays.  Sometimes it will take months or years to forget on most days.  However, sometimes you'll remember this distant memory in snippets during random times.  As time marches on, you won't dwell on this negative experience anymore.  It will become a blur and you'll forget the majority of time. 

Whenever I've had bad experiences with people, I no longer thought about them the majority of time as months and years whizzed by. 

Shift your thinking by changing the way you think in order to get a new perspective.  Your boyfriend actually did you a huge favor by releasing you.  It's better to let you go than deceive you into thinking he can promise you the type of future you want and never deliver your wish.  At least he's being completely honest with you by dissolving the relationship.  I'm sorry this breakup is very painful for you.  I understand that no one wants to feel rejected.  Deception and betrayal are far worse!   Breaking up before wasting your time is much better. 

Yes, it's bad to hope to end up together again.  Accept that he's moving on as should you.  If you hope, you'll hurt yourself and set yourself up for more disappointment which is a waste of your energy and time.  Don't expect and you won't get hurt. 

He gave up when he was fine with everything because he's not settled with himself yet.  He wants to establish himself first whether it's with a permanent job someday and feel secure with himself before he can feel secure with anyone else including you.  He hasn't grown up yet.  He's still figuring out where he's at in life and hasn't arrived at a stable situation yet. 

He is right.  You deserve something better.  Your boyfriend gave you the "it's not you, it's me" conversation.  I hope someday you'll find a man without any issues.  In that regard, you deserve a man who is set in life and can concentrate on you instead of feeling confused because he's unsteady.

He said he loves you but not enough to sustain a relationship with you.  He gave up because he needs to sort his own life out before he can divide his time and energy on anyone else.  Don't over analyze and question his motives otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.

Accept his decision whether you like it or not and keep moving forward.  Don't dwell and ruminate the why's anymore.  It doesn't matter.  He gave you his final answer and you need to respect his wishes so you can quit feeling consumed by him. 

Concentrate on yourself with your education, career, sound health and well being.  Your independence will attract a higher caliber of men because there is nothing more attractive than self confidence and independence. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Rachel said:

. we’re coming from an Asian family. relationship. 

i told him I would wait for him but he told me not to. 

Sorry this happened. 36 weeks dating is a good time to observe and get to know each other.

Is he scheduled for an arranged marriage? Does he live with his parents? 

His parents are correct that he needs to find work and stop freeloading.

However, he's using that as the excuse to end things. If he were into you he would not breakup or string you along.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Do not wait around wasting your time. "Maybe someday" is just an exit line. It's possible he met someone else. But either way he's out.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men who are into you, won't string you along and have their act together more.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Because, unfortunately, he's not being honest about still being in love with you. 

He's trying to sugar-coat the break-up but a man who is in love with you isn't going to let you go. It seems he's trying to be kind but isn't being totally sincere in how he's feeling. 

And apparently, he just doesn't feel the same way about you any longer. It hurts but it's better to part ways rather than stay with someone who doesn't truly want to be there anymore. 

I agree and I am so very sorry you are hurting.  I always dated men with intense careers starting in my 20s (and before, intense about doing well in college and grad school) -a man who is into you will make it work.  He's decided he isn't and he may not be being honest with himself and making excuses.  It's not about being 23 and not "fully matured" - I know plenty of men who commit at that age, earlier than that age too.  Yes even now, not just in the 1950s.

Certainly early 20s is often a time to focus on career and not want to get serious with anyone but I think what he's doing is prioritizing his career because he is not willing to put in the effort it takes to have both -many many people have both. It's effort but it's joyous effort combined with "effort" -because when you want to be with someone you make it work. My husband and I do, and did. 

Do yourself a big favor and do not be in contact with him including on social media.  Don't tell yourself stories about how he's just "scared" or in "denial" and will come back -if he comes back decide then if you're still interested and available.  Till then -off your radar as much as you possibly can.  No "friendship" etc.  

I hope you feel better soon.

[Rachel]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and I am so very sorry you are hurting.  I always dated men with intense careers starting in my 20s (and before, intense about doing well in college and grad school) -a man who is into you will make it work.  He's decided he isn't and he may not be being honest with himself and making excuses.  It's not about being 23 and not "fully matured" - I know plenty of men who commit at that age, earlier than that age too.  Yes even now, not just in the 1950s.

Certainly early 20s is often a time to focus on career and not want to get serious with anyone but I think what he's doing is prioritizing his career because he is not willing to put in the effort it takes to have both -many many people have both. It's effort but it's joyous effort combined with "effort" -because when you want to be with someone you make it work. My husband and I do, and did. 

Do yourself a big favor and do not be in contact with him including on social media.  Don't tell yourself stories about how he's just "scared" or in "denial" and will come back -if he comes back decide then if you're still interested and available.  Till then -off your radar as much as you possibly can.  No "friendship" etc.  

I hope you feel better soon.

I think it’s a bit difficult to cut him off completely because we were close friends before we dated. I really don’t know how to cut him off because before we dated, he was my best friend.

[Rose Mosse]

24 minutes ago, Rachel said:

I think it’s a bit difficult to cut him off completely because we were close friends before we dated. I really don’t know how to cut him off because before we dated, he was my best friend.

You may have to learn the hard way and stay in contact with an ex. The kind thing to do is to set each other free. 

Also keep in mind you owe each other nothing going forward. 

[Lambert]

The only thing you can do is accept his decision & let your actions will show it. 

He was your best friend. ok. that is hard to deal with but not impossible.  These are the risks to a friendship when you decide to become romantic.

You have to be your own best friend now. Spend time alone and with people that are closer to you, than to him. 

Waiting around for him or even tolerating this treatment will only push him away. 

Give yourself compassion and don't beat yourself up in your thoughts.  Support your healing by telling yourself over and over "this is for the best and its ok.  I'll meet someone better and have a happy life."

[Rachel]

18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You may have to learn the hard way and stay in contact with an ex. The kind thing to do is to set each other free. 

Also keep in mind you owe each other nothing going forward. 

Thank you I really appreciate that 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Rachel said:

I think it’s a bit difficult to cut him off completely because we were close friends before we dated. I really don’t know how to cut him off because before we dated, he was my best friend.

Yes but now you can’t be friends. Friends talk about who they’re dating and have crushes on.  How will you feel if in a couple of months he suddenly has time to date someone and it’s not you ?  Can you be a supportive best friend then ?

[tattoobunnie]

15 hours ago, Rachel said:

we argued a lot too these days

He's just not the right one for you.  You just need to keep this in mind. Put away all mementos. Block him on social media, all forms and email and phone.