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ask ladies. Can you be self-acceptance (body) and self-conscious at the same time?


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Forgive my English is my third language.

If the ladies here can help give some input/advice on this. My question is can you be self-acceptance of your body, but then be self-conscious at the same time? How to loosen up the self conscious part?

Throughout the 7 years of our marriage, my husband always initiate the two of us shower together, as much as we can whenever we can (for the emotional connection). We both are not fans of shower sex as we don’t like the water pouring down on us. So it has nothing related to sex. My husband said he "deeply emotionally attached" to me, he said he wants to feel close to me emotionally. And I’m trying to give him that connection he wants.

There nothing pretty about my body naked, sagging boobs, stretch marks all over my belly, nothing pretty about how my vagina labia look neither.

There times where many months when my legs, feet and calves were HUGELY swollen. My husband kneel down and gently rubs my swollen feet and swollen calves in the shower. He helps cleans me, he kissed my belly where it full of stretch marks and somewhat loose wrinkle skin. (and I’m self conscious).

He wants me to talk to him in the shower, open up to him, tell him what bothering me. There times when we talked, and we both teared up and cried.

My hair have thin so so much, it started massively falling out shortly after I recovered from being very sick back in August. He washed my hair so he knows how much hair shed/falling out all over his hands. But he still kissed my forehead and the top of my head. (and I’m very conscious about my hair).

I always dress low maintenance, I never wear make up. I’m comfortable that way. And I don’t hide my thinning hair neither. And I do remind myself that if my husband don’t mind about how my body looks, why do I have to mind?

But my brain is self conscious. It keeps tell me, my husband he 186cm tall and slim, lean muscles, zero fat on his body, just very fit. Dark, handsome, clean shaved. He does runs long distance, he can run for hours and hours without tired, and swim long distance, so he very fit. He still look exactly fit like when I met him 11 years ago. But then look at me? I’m NOTHING like him!

I really have accepted my body as it is, it just my brain is self-conscious about it. Any ladies here experience similar?

And another hung up I have is that I’m older now. 11 years together (7 years married) and after all those years, he still literally kisses my butt cheek. And it has nothing to do with sex at all, it something he does randomly throughout our marriage.

Whenever he see me lay on my stomach play on my tablet/phone, or I could be wearing long pants or even if I have a blanket over my butt, he would gently slide down the blanket and pants and kissed my butt cheek, and gently slide it back on for me. It like he went out of his ways, lol.

He never was the type that like those slap, gropes, spank stuff or like anything kinky (he vanilla, so am I), he said he prefers use his lips and mouth. So he just simply put his lips on my butt cheek and gently kiss it, the gentle slow kiss type.

I told him we older now (mid-thirties), and we haven't parted a day since we been together (11 years), so it not like we newlyweds. But he said it doesn’t have to stop, and if I allow him (to continue kiss my butt cheek) he wants to do it till he 80.

I guess I’m just too self-conscious and too critical of myself? I wish I can loosen up, but it easy say than done.

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So he truly loves YOU. I have been married 28 years in a few months and together for 32. I am 55 and my husband is 52. You aren’t really “ older” 30’s is prime of your life. I am “ older” or middle aged. 
 

Body image is complicated because we are “supposed “ to be “beautiful” and “perfect” . This is a falsehood. Your husband is in love with your outer beauty as HE sees it, your inner beauty and all the things that make you, YOU. 
 

It is hard but try to enjoy it. 

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Thank you sis @Seraphim

Your seem very wise, and experience (since you married so long), your husband is one lucky man to have you! as his wife/life partner.

Thank you for your advice.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and it further confirm to me that I'm just an average looking girl, my husband is way out of my league as in look wise. As for self-image confident, it doesn't help much especially when you have a husband that just so fit and good looking (but then it not his fault that he handsome).

We not young, but he still does corny things (and he does it throughout our marriage).

Examples like:

- Me, I told him I want to talk. Him, this is what he always does: If we in the kitchen, he would sit me down on the kitchen chair, and he kneel down on the kitchen floor (kneel on both knees) while look at me with those loving eyes and said he listening.

Seeing him like this, I don't even know what to do or say, lol.

Yeah, basically he would sitting me down and kneeling on both knees in front of me to listen to me talk (if I say I want to talk).

Or I could be sitting on the bed and if he saw my facial expression like something bothering me, same thing, he came over and kneel and look at me with those eyes again and want me to talk to him.

- Or something little as if he touches my hands and feel it cold. He immediately open his mouth breathed into my hands, he keeps breathe into my hands and rubs it till it gets warm. My feet, he could rubs my feet for half an hour if that what was needed to get my feet warm.

- He still carried me on his back all these years together. Like if we went somewhere and the parking lot was far, he carried me on his back across the parking lot to whatever the place. He said if I let him, he wants to carry me on his back like this till be become an old man, till he on his deathbed that he no longer can carry me anymore.

- His eyes, they intense. The way he looks at me it just intense. He still stare and look at me with those exact same eyes that he did back then 11 years ago when he court me.

- I could just be talking, and he just stare and stare at me, and look at me with those loving eyes, and he gently touch my cheek/face. And he does it randomly throughout our marriage.

Or randomly, he just stare and stare at me, then he hugged and hugged me really tight, and he say he loves me very much. Or he said corny things like he said he still thinking about me constantly.

He 36, I'm 37 to be exact, we not young. I'm sef-concious that we older now. But he doesn't see anything wrong with all the (corny) stuff he does for me, he said if I let him, he wants to do it till he 80.

He actually a very mature, serious and stoic guy. He doesn't even bother smile at you if he doesn't know you, he not friendly to strangers, he stoic. But then when it comes to me he sappy like that. But he see nothing wrong with be sappy with me as he said I'm his "wife".

So I'm guessing what he did in my OP and in this replied of mine it all normal? I should just try to enjoy it and not conscious about our age or my body image so much?

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Sounds like you’ve found a very good egg.

 

In answer to your question yes, I think one can struggle with both concepts, the desire to accept the body as it is and a desire to change it. I’ve always been overweight, at one time in my life I went on a fitness and weight loss bender and got closer to trim but my stomach always stuck out. Like I lost weight but the proportions of my body didn’t change so I couldn’t escape the pot belly look. Around this time I discovered this website www.my body gallery.com

 

I looked at womens’ photos, I read their stories (the two are not connected so you don’t know what the story teller looks like), I noticed the common thread, that fat or thin, young or old, 99% of them hated some part of how they looked and it made me feel so angry at this society that has got so many of feeling that way. That fuelled my desire accept my body. But still over the years I have taken action to reduce body fat % on and off. So, I haven’t completely accepted my body as it is! But I think that’s ok. I don’t completely hate it either, I’m somewhere on the sliding scale between the two extremes and so are you.

 

You mention comfy clothing and I co sign that, but, there might be no harm in going on a quest to see if any clothes out there flatter your shape and or make you look fancy. At one point in my life I had nothing but daggy, shapeless clothing and I remember going to a staff Xmas party where every one was dressed up for nightclubbing and feeling soooooo shabby. After that I went on a shopping quest determined to have an open mind and try on absolutely everything I’d even vaguely consider wearing. On this quest I discovered skater dresses (the best cut of dress ever) and going forward became a skater dress and tights kinda girl. Still comfortable clothing but it looked nicer than pants and a loose T-shirt.

Other thought is, you could increase your level of fitness if you’d like to, not with the intention of losing weight, you just want to be a bit more fit. To this end I suggest 3 gateway activities. Walking somewhere pretty, yoga, and or buy an electric bike and go exploring (on the e bike you can do as little or as much work as you feel like but you always have to peddle so even at it’s more sedate it’s the equivalent energy expenditure of a leisurely walk. But you get to go fast and see more things 😄 )

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How many languages do you speak? What language do you and your husband communicate in?

Are these writing assignments? Are you copying and pasting this all over for conversations? 

Have you considered babble or some of the other language apps?

Because your post isn't really a question. It's just a story about your marriage.

Edited by Wiseman2
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My ex has a lot of bad qualities. I mean, just awful. But one thing he did do was part of the reason I stayed with him for four years.

I had major, life saving abdominal surgery that left me with a 6 inch scar down the middle of my abdomen. I mean, this thing is massive. My ex (boyfriend at the time) had a best friend who told him, in front of me, that he needed to dump me. He said there was no way he would have a girlfriend who was scarred the way I was. Well, what my boyfriend did instead was, when we went to bed at night he would go down to my stomach, kiss the area right next to my scar (that was still healing and therefore still bandaged) and tell it to heal nicely and to not cause me any pain. And then he'd come back up and give me a careful hug.

So yeah, while I was not only worried about healing but also worried about him finding me repulsive, instead he showed me kindness and concern.

I would celebrate having a husband who loves your essence. And sure, if you want to do things to improve your physical appearance, why not? But understand he loves you anyway.

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