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Secret love triangle


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I have been living in a love triangle for over 4 years.

I have been together with my first partner for almost 11 years. I met him on a holiday and after 3 months I moved to a different country because of him. He took me in his house and supported me in getting my first job and in finding myself in that new city. I was 25 and he was 47 back then. In the next few years we tried to buy a house, dreamt about moving outside of the big city into a house with a garden, went on holidays and had a great life. We shared many interests and I learnt a few more from him. Culture. Going to the Opera. Visiting historical places. Life was beautiful. However, I was very young when we met and I ended up changing over time. The monogamous relationship and him being so homey, not wanting to go to bars, not being a party person, got "boring" for me and I started looking for my own friends, going out more. It seems like I had a lot to catch up since I never got to enjoy a big city and its nightlife like this evern before I met him. Over time I started feeling that we were growing apart in our interests. Eventually I even moved out to my own apartment. I thought I was not the person that can have a relationship and live together with his partner. Maybe this was just an excuse to be able to live a bit more freely. To go to a club and spend the whole night dancing without having to give excuses. To go out with friends to a bar and have fun without my more conservative and quieter boyfriend from judging me. Sooner or later I started also looking for sex with outher men although we were not open. This lead me to my second boyfriend.

When I met him, it was just for fun. He was in a relationship too and, although troubled, they didn't seem like they were going to break up any time soon. I remember getting attached to him way earlier than the other way around. He was probably trying to stop feelings developing that could eventually lead to his relationsip with his partner ending but eventually that is what happened. After they broke up we had a very troubled time. I thought he was now free and therefore available to give it a try with me but he was unable to process the breakup and that led us to stop seeing each other for a few months. After a while we reconnected and immediately got back to dating. It was beautiful but also frustrating because I always had the feeling that he was pulling the break instead of letting things develop but after two years he admitted being in a relationship with me and asked me to be monogamous. He was the fun that I was missing in my other relationship. We went to bars, to parties, met friends, had laughs and drinks. 

It was not easy to live like that, specially not for such a long time. I had to lie a lot and my lies had to become always bigger in order to keep it secret. I just couldn't make a choice. I loved my first boyfriend deeply, the way you love your family. He was home and the place I felt safe. He is the type of person that gives and gives without expecting much in return. He helped me through low moments and was there for me to enjoy the good ones too.  However, we started having less and less sex. Sometimes months went by without us getting intimate. I told myself that was just becasue we had been for such a long time together that the flame wasn't butning as strong anymore but sometimes I wonder if I have just lost attraction. With the other boyfriend sex was great. The fun was great. However, we had also lots of stress. Fights. Every time we wanted or expected something different, there was a fight. It felt like tuning the relationship into something stable couldn't be done with those fights but every time we overcame one of these challenges, it got more stable, stronger.  There was one problem though. Drugs.

As part of the gay community that lives in a big city, has a big group of friends and goes out to clubs, he was no stranger to recreational drugs. At the beginning I was open to try everything. After a while I learnt what happens when it becomes too much. The first couple of years were fun but eventually I realized that cocaine was a problem. It started taking over other parts of my life. It started becoming a financial problem. It started becoming a routine. I tried to stop it several times. Alone or together with him. He didn't seem to realize that it was indeed a problem since he had the false sensation that he had it under control. After a while, I became emotionally unstable. These substances disturb the chemical balance of your brain and it eventually shows up. I became depressive, tried to silence it with more stuff. We managed to stay away from drugs for several weeks a couple of times, but life became sadder and sex was not the same. Also we didn't have it so often. After doing a therapy I felt better. I wanted to stop taking all this stuff but how do you do it, if your partner still uses? how do you do it if your group of friends take this stuff in front of you? how do you stay away if it is everywhere around you? The answer was my first partner. He had no idea about this part of my life and with him I found the peace of staying away from this stuff. 

However, my feelings for my second partner were stronger. There is a difference between loving someone as an important person in your life and loving someone truly, in a romantic way. The first is what I feel for my first boyfriend. The other is what I feel for the second. I have tried to break up with my second partner several times, believing that this would bring more peace into my life and almost succeded, but life without him was sad. Just yesterday I finally convinced him to stop taking drugs, getting this under control. Finding other ways to have fun together. 

There are many things that the one or the other give me. I know that based on just feelings, I should probably stay with my second boyfriend. But life with him is way more challenging. There are many things that are not possible with one or the other. But the relationship with my first boyfriend is stable, I have peace. Maybe a relationship is not only about the feelings but also about what we give each other. Maybe a relationship is a conscious decission. This has been going for so long that I need to decide:

Do I stay together with my first partner, live a quiet and peaceful life but without the highlights of passionate sex and fun with friends and parties?

Or do I stay together with my second partner, accept that sometimes we can't fix things without a fight, fight this addiction together and enjoy this deep feeling of connection and passion we have?

I need help since I don't seem to be able to decide.

 

 

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I think you are not meant for a traditional relationship. You are viewing both scenarios primarily in terms of what's in it for you. You do recognize that relationships are about what you give each other, but this does not really seem to interest you. I think your first partner seems like an oasis only because your second partner is a huge inconvenience. Cut the cord and be an independent man.

 

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1 hour ago, OneBeardedGuy said:

As part of the gay community that lives in a big city, has a big group of friends and goes out to clubs, he was no stranger to recreational drugs. I realized that cocaine was a problem. It started taking over other parts of my life. It started becoming a financial problem.  I became depressive, tried to silence it with more stuff.

Get yourself into rehab. Its that simple. 

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BeardedGuy, how about you chose neither the first, nor the second partner, but you chose...you.

Your biggest issue is to stay clean from drugs, because drugs will end you in the cemetery. Relationships only matter if you are alive, so basically prioritize what matters the most-staying alive and in good health. 

Your most recent boyfriend only drags you down with him. You cannot quit using, if you stay with him and the your group of friends.

So, that makes the choice pretty easy: pick up everybody who helps you stay clean.

I am also very surprised that for you having fun and partying is worth it to put yours and other people's life in danger. If you catch the HIV, or you overdose, then your dilemma which men to chose would be a very minor thing to worry. 

You are already 36, not so young. Isn't it time for you to find something more meaningful to do with your life, than getting involved in relationship drama, doing drugs and partying? Once you find something meaningful to do, your would feel fulfilled and content, without needing drugs, or variety of lovers to give you an adrenalin rush. 

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39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get yourself into rehab. Its that simple. 

Already done. Been clean for a while. That’s why I wonder if I should just break up with the bf that still does drugs and even though he said he wants to stop, there is a difference between saying it and doing it 

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28 minutes ago, East4 said:

BeardedGuy, how about you chose neither the first, nor the second partner, but you chose...you.

Your biggest issue is to stay clean from drugs, because drugs will end you in the cemetery. Relationships only matter if you are alive, so basically prioritize what matters the most-staying alive and in good health. 

Your most recent boyfriend only drags you down with him. You cannot quit using, if you stay with him and the your group of friends.

So, that makes the choice pretty easy: pick up everybody who helps you stay clean.

I am also very surprised that for you having fun and partying is worth it to put yours and other people's life in danger. If you catch the HIV, or you overdose, then your dilemma which men to chose would be a very minor thing to worry. 

You are already 36, not so young. Isn't it time for you to find something more meaningful to do with your life, than getting involved in relationship drama, doing drugs and partying? Once you find something meaningful to do, your would feel fulfilled and content, without needing drugs, or variety of lovers to give you an adrenalin rush. 

That’s the problem, I quit partying and ***ing around the moment it got serious with the second boyfriend. I have been sexually exclusive to both and I only do sex on drugs or drugs at all with the second guy. Life’s become way different also because of covid and I wonder if we give each other enough to keep going or if it’s just the fun. And with the other one, I wonder if we’re together just cause it’s the easy option and because he is a safe place for me but nothing more than that. 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think you are not meant for a traditional relationship. You are viewing both scenarios primarily in terms of what's in it for you. You do recognize that relationships are about what you give each other, but this does not really seem to interest you. I think your first partner seems like an oasis only because your second partner is a huge inconvenience. Cut the cord and be an independent man.

 

I haven’t dated any other men for over two years, only these two. Also the party gay life got boring. I need someone by my side. But that’s the problem, am I with one or the other just cause I need them or is there enough in one or the other relationship to keep fighting. 

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21 minutes ago, OneBeardedGuy said:

am I with one or the other just cause I need them or is there enough in one or the other relationship to keep fighting. 

I think you are with one or the other just because you need it. Neither relationship is enough for you.

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Neither of these relationships really has a snowball's chance in hell of lasting, OP. 

Your first partner probably knows a lot more than you think, and chooses to turn a blind eye. It would be nearly impossible to have led the lifestyle you led (the partying and drugs) without a sober, more experienced and older eye noticing. But it isn't sustainable long-term. 

Just as your relationship with your AP isn't sustainable long-term. You two only know each other in the context of drug-fueled, emotional chaos. Sure, maybe the sex is alright. But take away the drugs and partying? I bet you will find that you have nothing of real substance between you and it will crash and burn quickly. 

You're still young. Your best bet is to end both relationships and learn to be in the world on your own. Learn to relate to people (and yourself) in healthier and more functional ways. That's where true happiness will find you. 

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On 1/17/2022 at 9:28 AM, SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow said:

Been clean for a while.

 

On 1/17/2022 at 9:32 AM, SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow said:

I only do sex on drugs or drugs at all with the second guy.

These statements contradict one another.

You're headed down a dangerous path. 

Also,

On 1/17/2022 at 9:32 AM, SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow said:

I have been sexually exclusive to both

That's not being exclusive. It's particularly not true if you're lying to them about being committed.

One day this is all going to blow up. Someone is going to find out about your deception.

Think about the kind of person you want to be. Then be that person.

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I’m sorry you’re in this predicament. I can only try to put myself in your shoes… and neither relationship sounds appealing.

If anything I would lean towards the first boyfriend as there’s a better chance of rekindling more emotional and physical intimacy.

If you’re doing drugs and having sex elsewhere at the time or now how do you expect your older relationship to grow at all? You stopped putting in the effort. It also crossed my mind whether the longer standing boyfriend you’ve known longer is having affairs too or has other partners. It’s bizarro to me that he is content with so little sex without getting it elsewhere like you are, for instance.

I’d be bursting to be on my own and itching not to be around anyone. Why not free yourself, drop the druggie crowd and find your own way? Lying or deceiving anyone only hurts you in the long run.

 

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