Did I overreact?...Hinge, online "dating"

[LookingforLoveMaybe]

ok so I matched with a guy on hinge the week of Christmas. we actually live in 2 different countries but the distance is relatively close (45 min plane ride) so we decided we'd get to know each other a bit and see if that leads to us making plans to see each other. Things were going along casually, we'd text pretty regularly. I work a regular 8-4 job while he works a night shift of 7pm-7am so our schedules didn’t really align for much time to talk except in between him getting off from work or getting ready to go to work and then on the days he would not be scheduled to work.

I'm pretty realistic in my approach with online dating so I usually assume a guy's talking to me and a few other girls and going on dates etc., so I don’t have crazy expectation early on. I do like people to keep their word though and I had been in a few past situationships and relationships where guys said one thing and did another so I will admit my patience has become a bit shorter over time. Anyway to the point of my "story" and main question. This guy and I had been texting and occasionally facetiming for about 2 weeks and he was pretty good about communicating considering our distance. His usual day off is Mondays and because there was another holiday coming up in my country I would’ve been off on this particular Monday as well.

So, the Saturday prior I asked him to make plans to facetime with me on Monday so we would have more time to talk instead of just in between him getting ready for work. He said sure. Monday comes around and unlike all the other days when he usually is texting a lot I don’t hear from him at all. He would typically text good morning anywhere between 20 minutes to 2 hours after he gets off work and have some conversation before he went about his day, but that day I didn’t hear from him until after 9pm (i go to bed around 9:30 usually to get up early to start my day). He says "hey sorry I didn’t hit you up all day, after work I went to the gym and then I’ve been asleep all day. Now I’m about to go watch the college championship game with my friends". Now I wasn’t upset that I hadn’t heard from him all day because he’s an adult he can do what he wants, but I was kinda upset about the way he seemed to be saying that he was unavailable or didnt want to talk without being upfront. He didn’t make any mention of the previous plans to facetime and didn’t even ask when I would be free to talk at another time. So out of frustration I guess and also from the fear of not wanting to set myself up for disappointment I told him "if you wanted to talk to me you would've the same way you made plans with your friends and you're showing up for that. you can delete my number". He asked if I was serious and after my last response letting him know that I felt like he wasn’t interested and we didn’t need to waste each other's time he didn’t have anything to say.

Did I overreact? I will say I’m a sensitive person and though I try to keep a level head its difficult sometimes especially because in the past guys would fall through on plans with me and I used to just let it slide until things boiled up and hit the fan. I also feel like since we are in two different countries and the only way to communicate is via text or calling then that should be taken with a bit more seriousness than if we lived in the same place. it's not like he was my boyfriend. in neutral perspective we are just two strangers from the internet talking on the phone. But now that it's been about a week I do feel a little regret about my behavior. 

What do you think? Did I overreact? Would it be worth it to even reach out to him? (although I bet he’s already blocked my number and has already forgotten about me haha) I hate being an empath, I process everything so slowly and take all these small things to heart too much. 

Anyway thanks for reading this far

 

[Rose Mosse]

This is a dead end though. Differing schedules, one occasional day off overlapping on a holiday and living in different countries requiring a plane ride. You don’t need to be an empath to see that he can’t wrap his mind around it or that you’re in denial about the hurdles between the both of you. 

May I ask who made the 45 min plane trip to meet? 

I wouldn’t backtrack on this. Your instincts are leading you forward to better opportunities. I don’t think he meant to offend you or blow you off but I do think he probably wasn’t feeling it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

Im pretty realistic in my approach with online dating.  I bet he’s already blocked my number and has already forgotten about me 

Reset your dating app settings to an appropriate distance. Be realistic about dating.

That means anyone who contacts you from another country or a plane trip away is a red flag 🚩, not to mention completely unrealistic.

Delete and block him. Only message men you can meet asap for a brief coffee.

Avoid scammers, catfish, people in other relationships, timewasters, etc. by resetting your distance to only include those you can meet in a timely manner.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

What do you think? Did I overreact?

With being upset, no. You asked him to make plans, he ignored that. He could at least let you know something else was going on. So you had the right to be upset about it.

However, you did overreact and not communicate properly. "OMG delete my number immediately!" after he didnt contacted you once at the exact time you wanted it is overreaction, sorry to say. You could have communicated it way better. You could have reminded him that he said he would call and say that you are upset with him because you think he ignored you. And see if he would maybe apologize. Bottom line is that you took him not calling that day as "you dont love me, I want nothing to do with you". Instead of just communicating with him. And explaining that you are a bit upset on him because he didnt make time for you. Granted, it would have maybe changed nothing. But you have the right to put at least some boundaries there and say what is on your mind. Yes, you deserve not to be ignored. No, that doesnt mean you shoud reacted in a way you did. 

Also, dont contact him. By his reaction he probably think you are some crazy chick that overracted for not calling her once. I dont think there is a recovery from that. Instead, live and learn. Dont make same mistakes next time.

[JoyfulCompany]

I don't like people who don't follow their word with an action and I try not to surround myself with such individuals.

If 'sure, let's meet on Monday' said on the previous Saturday turns into 'yeah, I was too busy and I'm going out with friends now' on said Monday evening (plus no initiative for rescheduling and no mention of the arrangement), I'm done, there's no point. It's a ***ty behaviour in any context.

I value my time as well as other people's time. I don't like being left hanging around vague arrangements. After he agreed to meet, I would've followed with 'let's agree on a convenient hour Sunday evening or Monday morning'. It makes a huge difference (to me), I might also want to make plans with friends or run errands or whatever that day, why should I wait around the whole time?

Yes, okay, he doesn't owe you anything at this point but it shows his character. If he agreed, he should've followed or cancelled earlier that Monday. If he wasn't sure, he could've said so, it's also okay. But you don't need the stress and disappointment of keeping flaky and inconsistent people in your life, neither as friends, nor as romantic prospects.

The only difference is perhaps I wouldn't have even answered to his half-assed message. And if he cared to ask why I'm not available anymore at some further point, I would've given some explanation, only if our previous brief communication had reached some depth. If not - "yeah, sorry, I'm not interested/I don't think it will work out, wish you the best, bye".

As to the distance, I've dated a man who lived ~1500km away. I was never left waiting in vain. It didn't work out for other personal incompatibilities. But usually you can feel if the interest levels mismatch and it's a waste of time.

No point to reach out, move on.

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

However, you did overreact and not communicate properly. "OMG delete my number immediately!" after he didnt contacted you once at the exact time you wanted it is overreaction, sorry to say.

I agree. 

However, OP, how realistic is to talk to someone who's a plane-ride away? That's just not very practical. 

I would not bother pursuing this, personally. 

[Tinydance]

Look just personally I think you did over react. You weren't actually talking very long, only for a couple of weeks. It sounds like he has a weird night shift schedule so he probably tends to sleep a lot during the day. Maybe he actually finds it a bit hard to do normal things like go to the gym and see his friends because of his night shifts. I understand it was frustrating he didn't contact you but when you hadn't been talking that long and never met, I'm not sure that you could have really expected to be priority over other things in his life.

Also it wasn't clear from your post as to whether you actually made a particular time that he'd Face Time you? It kind of sounded like you asked him to do a video call on the day and he was like: "Sure" but you didn't organise any actual time. So I don't think it was as bad as if you'd actually made a time and you were sitting by your phone waiting and he never called.

I understand you don't need to be sitting around waiting for a guy to call which is why I think the best thing to do was probably just to be living your life as well. Then if you happened to be free at some point that day and he wanted to video call, then you could do it. In any case I think not giving him any second chance at all and just saying: Delete my number" is a bit over the top. He only disappointed you once and he did actually message to say he was sorry he didn't contact you that day. You could have at least tried to give him one more chance. Then if he kept doing the same thing then you could cut your losses. That reaction was pretty dramatic because it just made it sound like you have nothing else going on in your life and your whole day just depends on him.

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I don't like people who don't follow their word with an action and I try not to surround myself with such individuals.

If 'sure, let's meet on Monday' said on the previous Saturday turns into 'yeah, I was too busy and I'm going out with friends now' on said Monday evening (plus no initiative for rescheduling and no mention of the arrangement), I'm done, there's no point. It's a ***ty behaviour in any context.

I value my time as well as other people's time. I don't like being left hanging around vague arrangements. After he agreed to meet, I would've followed with 'let's agree on a convenient hour Sunday evening or Monday morning'. It makes a huge difference (to me), I might also want to make plans with friends or run errands or whatever that day, why should I wait around the whole time?

Yes, okay, he doesn't owe you anything at this point but it shows his character. If he agreed, he should've followed or cancelled earlier that Monday. If he wasn't sure, he could've said so, it's also okay. But you don't need the stress and disappointment of keeping flaky and inconsistent people in your life, neither as friends, nor as romantic prospects.

The only difference is perhaps I wouldn't have even answered to his half-assed message. And if he cared to ask why I'm not available anymore at some further point, I would've given some explanation, only if our previous brief communication had reached some depth. If not - "yeah, sorry, I'm not interested/I don't think it will work out, wish you the best, bye".

As to the distance, I've dated a man who lived ~1500km away. I was never left waiting in vain. It didn't work out for other personal incompatibilities. But usually you can feel if the interest levels mismatch and it's a waste of time.

No point to reach out, move on.

I think there's a bit of a difference though between actually being stood up for an in person date and not receiving a video call. I read over the post again and it didn't seem like they actually made any particular time that he would call. It sounds like he got caught up with things. The thing is he still has to live his life. And she's not his girlfriend so is he supposed to ditch gym and his friends over her? 

[Jibralta]

I don't think you overreacted. If you're dating with a purpose, you have to filter early on. That's what you did. You want a consistent communicator who makes you a priority. He showed you that he is not that guy. Next. 

He seemed to be surprised by your abruptness, but it doesn't sound like you were rude or mean. You were just direct. Could you have been sweeter about it? Yeah, I guess. But I think a clear, clean break is best. And I doubt think he's crying in a corner somewhere because you failed to candy coat your deal breaker. 

[Batya33]

I think this is the issue with trying to get to know a stranger to see if it's worth it to fly t omeet them.  I think it's a non-starter 99% of the time. And not worth it. It is worth it to exchange a few messages with someone you can meet in person for 45 minutes by traveling under an hour to meet them halfway, etc.  By foot or car.  Not plane. 

Too much pressure to "talk" to a stranger to see if it's worth it to meet -how often would you have been able to see him realistically? I was long distance with my husband for a few years but this was after we'd dated and been engaged in the past and we could both manage to see each other every 10-12 days or so (yes often by plane).  That was hard enough -but we knew each other extremely well and were doing this knowing I could relocate and that we wanted marriage.  

I met over 100 men in person through dating sites.  One was a 2 hour train ride away, one was over an hour by car- and with both I realized early on that there wasn't enough of a spark to make it worth it or put them to the trouble. 

Another lived a plane ride away.  He was the only one I communicated with who was (and I communicated with hundreds of men over the 5 years on and off I used dating sites).  He was planning to fly to my city anyway but wanted me not to meet anyone else till we met (for a month).  I said no. 

We stayed friends, I tried to set him up with others, and we met in person 4 years later.  He was in my new city to meet an online date and I met him, and the woman (!) for a walk - with my infant.  It was great to meet him and I've seen him twice more since when he's come to my city.  He also sells us IT related stuff! So yes it worked out -I ended up with a friend - but I'm glad all those years ago I said no to foregoing meeting others until we could meet -it's an inherent issue with trying to establish a romantic connection long distance with a stranger.  This person is a total stranger for all romantic purposes.  

I'm sorry he acted flaky. I've had that so many times even now trying to make platonic friends through my online Facebook groups - there are enthusiastic plans to meet or plans to talk to meet and poof ghosted for no reason.  It's really annoying and I'm sorry.

[JoyfulCompany]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I read over the post again and it didn't seem like they actually made any particular time that he would call.

 

8 hours ago, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

the Saturday prior I asked him to make plans to facetime with me on Monday... He said sure. 

It seems the ball for making the exact plans was in his court. Probably because it's not an entire day off for him, if he's back from work in the morning and he would need some sleep after a night shift. But that's something he should be pretty aware of (as well as if he already has other plans) when stating 'sure'.

***

9 hours ago, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

Monday comes around and unlike all the other days when he usually is texting a lot I don’t hear from him at all. He would typically text good morning anywhere between 20 minutes to 2 hours after he gets off work and have some conversation before he went about his day

Perfect moment to setup the time. Or cancel it altogether.
 

***

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

And she's not his girlfriend so is he supposed to ditch gym and his friends over her? 

 

9 hours ago, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

Now I wasn’t upset that I hadn’t heard from him all day because he’s an adult he can do what he wants, but I was kinda upset about the way he seemed to be saying that he was unavailable or didnt want to talk without being upfront. He didn’t make any mention of the previous plans to facetime and didn’t even ask when I would be free to talk at another time.

No ditching gyms and friends over her needed, just stating his availability in a timely manner.
How much effort does it take to write earlier in the day 'hey, I know we agreed to call but I'm very tired/something else came up today'. Or if he unintentionally overslept and that's what took away from the time he thought he would've had, to at least mention rescheduling? To me it's common courtesy.

[boltnrun]

He's probably surprised you consider him to be in some sort of a relationship with you. Your reaction was akin to a scorned lover or angry long term girlfriend, not someone he simply communicates with over electronic devices.

For the future don't get attached to someone you have little likelihood to actually meet in person. Set your dating profile filter to men who live within a reasonable distance (such as an hour car trip or less).

[catfeeder]

On 1/17/2022 at 1:02 AM, LookingforLoveMaybe said:

I'm pretty realistic in my approach with online dating...

...since we are in two different countries and the only way to communicate is via text or calling then that should be taken with a bit more seriousness

Uhm, no. There was never anything 'realistic' about building fantasies with a total stranger online 'around' taking a plane for a date.  

How would you safely do that, anyway? 

Even if you pulled it off, what would your dating life be like after that?

You can't truly 'get to KNOW' someone without meeting, and you can't date that person without meeting regularly. So keep it local, meet right away instead of digital fantasy-building, and grasp that most people are NOT our match. True simpatico is a needle-in-a-haystack pursuit, and that's true for everyone. Set up quick meets to check one another out and learn whether there's even any chemistry.

[Tinydance]

15 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Uhm, no. There was never anything 'realistic' about building fantasies with a total stranger online 'around' taking a plane for a date.  

How would you safely do that, anyway? 

Even if you pulled it off, what would your dating life be like after that?

You can't truly 'get to KNOW' someone without meeting, and you can't date that person without meeting regularly. So keep it local, meet right away instead of digital fantasy-building, and grasp that most people are NOT our match. True simpatico is a needle-in-a-haystack pursuit, and that's true for everyone. Set up quick meets to check one another out and learn whether there's even any chemistry.

Well I actually think that because the guy actually isn't that far away that it was somewhat doable. I know there are probably guys that live closer but if they really liked each other and wanted to be together then it could potentially work.

Although seeing as he actually is in another country, one of them would probably have to move to the other person's country. So I think it may have been good to discuss as to whether the guy or her would actually be willing to do that. I think flying 45 minutes to each other at first may have actually been OK. It's not THAT bad. 

Another issue though is that the guy works night shift. That probably would have made it hard to have a relationship. Unless he has weekends free.

[Batya33]

I would not start out with a stranger who lives a 45 minute plane ride away unless one of you was already planning on moving to the other person's city within a few months.  

[DancingFool]

Personally, I think your bigger problem was the fact that your schedules are completely opposite and so this was doomed from the get go. As you know well, there just wasn't any good time to talk and get to know each other better, which is critical for LDR's.

It was almost inadvertent that you placed a lot of pressure on that one precious day that you and him could spend more time talking and were deeply disappointed when it didn't happen. Thus the reaction or rather the overreaction. Still, I don't think you should backtrack or even try to. I really think that if you were to reach out to him again, he'd think you are off your rocker completely, so please spare yourself some dignity.

Basically, learn from this and walk away from these types of situations that aren't really workable from the get go. Opposing schedules are hard enough to manage and cause a lot of relationship issues even when people live together. Long distance and it's impossible. 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think flying 45 minutes to each other at first may have actually been OK. It's not THAT bad. 

It's not like jumping into a car and being there in 45. You've got airport ticketing and security and waiting...and waiting. In a pandemic. Add that to conflicting schedules, and sure--ya might be able to pull off meeting somewhere--once.

But then where does this thing go?

A major part of getting to know someone is learning how well that person will integrate into your life and you into theirs. Real life--not an occasional vacation bubble romance where the outside world stops and you're able to enjoy ideal conditions for a week or so.

And those conditions tend to prematurely sexualize things long before you'd have actually been ready under real life conditions. Which can blind you to important things.

Compatibility is about real people synching in simpatico in real life. Texting, Zooming, FaceTiming--those are not dating. LDR's build fantasies, and while those can be fun, they're also the perfect way to sink yourself when real life can't live up to what you've created in your own head.