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BF doesn't like my hairstyle


Superstickyone
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My Bf says doesn't like the fact I cut my hair quite a bit shorter.  It was long but I don't have time to curl it or fuss in the mirror before heading  out in the morning.

I feel really hurt because I'm the same person, all I did was cut my hair.  

He's pouty and made a big deal about my personal preference.  I told him it will grow back in time, yet I prefer to keep the shorter style from now on.

I'm concerned that he won't let me be my own person.  How should I handle this in a conversation with him?

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Long hair is often seen as more traditionally feminine as opposed to a shorter cut. I personally don’t agree but that’s what many believe.

Of course you do not need his permission to give yourself a shorter do. 

Also note some people (both men and women) base their attraction heavily on looks or are superficial in general. I was with someone like that. 

Sharing an opinion is fine but if he continues to make snide or negative remarks I would let him know that those comments are not appreciated. 

Are there other instances where you feel you can’t be yourself around him?

Edited by Rose Mosse
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I'd say okay, I get you, you don't fancy it, no need to carry on and let him 'get used to it'.  Change can be tough sometimes.

You're right , it will grow again.  Meanwhile, you do have that option to do as you feel fit.  If it's better for you, then go for it!

Give it a little time, hopefully he'll get over it.

 

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2 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

I'm concerned that he won't let me be my own person.  

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

Yes, you should be concerned about dating a jerk like this. Don't talk at him. You do not have to answer to this creep.

Unfortunately this is not monumental in itself but it's a warning that he's not supportive. When someone tries to control your appearance, it's never a good thing.

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Yes, he doesn't get to act like a jerk about your hairstyle.  Yes there are certain appearance related things that I think are the other person's business.  Not hairstyle that happens to be shorter than he likes.  I think hairstyles can have a dramatic effect on a person's looks.  I've experienced this personally.  Honestly if I had a serious partner and was considering making a dramatic change I'd probably seek his input and yes -for me -it would affect what I did when it comes to hairstyle.  We all pick our battles. 

For example I know my husband doesn't find red hair attractive (I do!) so -yes - I likely wouldn't go dye my hair a reddish color (I have some red naturally) even if I thought it might look cute.  I respect that other women wouldn't care at all what their partner thought.  Decide what you care about -it sounds like it didn't occur to you to seek his input and you went for the more practical mindset -I get it - I have difficult hair and always have -it's a pain to style it!!  He doesn't get to be a jerk about it and I'm just sharing a different perspective.  I'm sorry he's being a jerk about this.

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Your hair is your choice.  I used to have really long hair a and over time I've cut it shorter.  It's my business only.  If he doesn't like it, too bad! Tell him to get over it.

It's very controlling for him to want to tell you how long your hair should be.

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I can see his POV. There are men that don't find short hair attractive and physical attraction is important to them more so than for women. Me my husband hates red hair, so I honor that because I want to make him happy...but there has to be a compromise. I prefer being blonde, he likes dark...but he accepts my choice for blonde hair. Sometimes you just do things like that because you love them. 

Now what you can do is a compromise, and go shoulder length...something in between. There are certain cuts you can get that still have the length, but don't need any maintenance...just blow and go. 

Edited by smackie9
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My hair is neon pink. My husband couldn’t care less . He prefers long hair but I am middle aged and it would just make me look old and long hair overwhelms my little face . I went gray very early so I have dyed my hair almost every colour there is. So while my husband has preferences he doesn’t care what I do with my hair, hair is just hair and he loves me for me. 

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If my boyfriend decided to stop cutting his beard to let it grow really long, I might have something to say about it.  At the same time, I respect that it's his face and his personal right.  But he simply happens to care about what I think.

I think it's good to run plans such as this past your partner and simply get their input.  At the same time there is a balance between making decisions about your personal appearance and still having the desire to remain attractive to your partner.

Let him pout and adjust but consider running things like this past him in the future to get his input. I personally want to remain attractive in my partners eyes.  There is a balance or limit to this, but a consideration nonetheless.  

I could take the stand that it's my body, my choice.  But at the same time I want him to view me as the person he fell in love with.  We aren't talking new shade of lipstick here.  Going from long to short hair in one moment is a bold move.  He might had not otherwise been attracted or chosen a woman with short hair to begin with.  If he didn't care either way, that would be different.  But apparently he does care.

Ultimately it is your decision, but his reaction should factor into your decision whether to move forward on it.  From what it sounds, this caught him by surprise.  And unless there are other things to support this idea that he's not permitting you to be your own person, is a little much.  

Relationships are about compromise.   Even where this is concerned.  I color my hair every 6 wks.  I prefer it darker, he prefers a little lighter.  So, I find something somewhere in the middle and every one's happy.  And, I don't feel he's not permitting me to be my own person.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I am of the opinion that I will do with my hair whatever I want. The partner I choose will not be the type to pout or complain about not being attracted to me anymore if I change my hair.

I had my hair cut very short while I was married. I told my husband on the way out that I was going to get my hair cut off. Those were the exact words I used..."I'm getting it all cut off". When I got home he expressed shock and said "I thought you were getting a trim!!" And I said "I TOLD YOU I was getting it all cut off!" (Side note, my husband had a habit of not paying attention when I spoke). But he didn't pout or say he didn't find me attractive anymore. Our relationship went on the same as before.

If your hair is what attracts him to you then I would say your relationship isn't on very solid ground.

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10 hours ago, Superstickyone said:

He's pouty and made a big deal about my personal preference. 

Is he an adult?

Really, it's Accept or Reject.  So how do you handle this in a conversation with him?  Tell him that.  Tell him this is my choice; this is what I'm doing.  Your choice is to accept it or to hit the road.

He has the right to a preference, he even has the right to say it, but acting like a little boy about it is a turn off.

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My first approach would be to keep it light and tell BF that I'm wearing why hair in public as I like, but he's welcome to buy me any kind of wig he'd enjoy in the bedroom.

If he's still a jerk about that, he's not likely to last long in my world.

Head high, honey, and enjOy your new cut.

Edited by catfeeder
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I have a different take on it, I don't see your boyfriend as a creep, or a jerk.

I honestly think everyone has a right to their opinion and it should be respected, even if you don't share the same opinion.

Him finding long hair attractive, and preferring that, is his right. It's okay that he enjoys that.

You wanting short hair and preferring that is you right too. It's also okay.

People express their feelings in many different ways. Maybe not the same way you would have, or how you would like, but they are expressing. 

The way he expresses himself may be something for you to take note of as well.

The problem comes in when you are incompatible about what you both prefer.

But it also depends on how big of a problem this is going to become.

Will it become big enough that he no longer finds you as attractive as he once did?

Will your feelings continue to be hurt because of how he feels?

Will you two now become at odds over this? Or can you find a happy medium?

Edited by SherrySher
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I probably would be really mad and hurt by his pouty and petty ways.  I can't respect a guy that would treat me this way.

It's not kind or loving.... which are the most important things to me.  Everything else fades and changes but a supportive, loving partner is a real treasure. Anything less is easily replaceable. 

I'd dump him.  Find a better guy.

 

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On 1/17/2022 at 8:59 AM, Superstickyone said:

My Bf says doesn't like the fact I cut my hair quite a bit shorter.  It was long but I don't have time to curl it or fuss in the mirror before heading  out in the morning.

I feel really hurt because I'm the same person, all I did was cut my hair.  

He's pouty and made a big deal about my personal preference.  I told him it will grow back in time, yet I prefer to keep the shorter style from now on.

I'm concerned that he won't let me be my own person.  How should I handle this in a conversation with him?

 

Wow this thing happened to me too in the Universty years back. My gf cut and also colored her hair and came to me like what do you think. At first I tried to be calm and sait its oke "BUT IT WAS NOT OKE SHE LOOKED TERRIBLE" so young me begin to talk trash and keep asking what have you done why why why etc.

Now you are looking to this event from the point of "Oh my gosh he is not letting me be myself I cant allow it I cannot allow it" but try to look at it from his perspective. We men have huge ego's which was dumped to us by our family and our friends and we love when we find a beatiful girl who also loves us back.

When we were hanging out with that girl walking along her holding hands etc we give her a quick look also look around to see all thouse jealous faces. Its something like "Well thats the beauty I got near me I am the men heahaha" now I know this sounds really silly but we men are mostly kids in grown up bodies so try to think from this perspective.

Also dont get me wrong he is not with you just because of your looks he loves you too cause if he dont he probably say something like "Your hair is oke and dump your couple days later". Him saying these things out loud is a desperate call from him for a solution you stripped him from his ego feeding machine and that ego feeding machine was feeding the love inside him. This is not some sick way of thinking no this is how men's mentailty work if they have huge Ego's.

So what can you do go and talk to him help him fill the void of ego/love inside him by just pure love you still have chance actually if you can pull this of belive me if you go bald in the future we wont care about it.

Also dont get mad him Men fall in love with what they see and women fall in love with they heard. Thats the reality of the nature but since that we are not apes anymore there are ways to turn this around.

Lastly stop looking at this from feministic way of thinking. Now I am not saying standing  your ground as a women demanding respect staying strong etc is a bad thing no thats what you need to in most cases. But if you allow this way of thinking affact you too much you will end up beign single and strong. Couple months later he will find another girl with long hair and you will end up beign single/miserable.

Well I have just given you what goes on in your boyfriends mind so now you know what to do. Just say him it will be well withing two weeks and find a way the replace love for the face to love for the soul.

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1 hour ago, Caesar45 said:

 

Wow this thing happened to me too in the Universty years back. My gf cut and also colored her hair and came to me like what do you think. At first I tried to be calm and sait its oke "BUT IT WAS NOT OKE SHE LOOKED TERRIBLE" so young me begin to talk trash and keep asking what have you done why why why etc.

Now you are looking to this event from the point of "Oh my gosh he is not letting me be myself I cant allow it I cannot allow it" but try to look at it from his perspective. We men have huge ego's which was dumped to us by our family and our friends and we love when we find a beatiful girl who also loves us back.

When we were hanging out with that girl walking along her holding hands etc we give her a quick look also look around to see all thouse jealous faces. Its something like "Well thats the beauty I got near me I am the men heahaha" now I know this sounds really silly but we men are mostly kids in grown up bodies so try to think from this perspective.

Also dont get me wrong he is not with you just because of your looks he loves you too cause if he dont he probably say something like "Your hair is oke and dump your couple days later". Him saying these things out loud is a desperate call from him for a solution you stripped him from his ego feeding machine and that ego feeding machine was feeding the love inside him. This is not some sick way of thinking no this is how men's mentailty work if they have huge Ego's.

So what can you do go and talk to him help him fill the void of ego/love inside him by just pure love you still have chance actually if you can pull this of belive me if you go bald in the future we wont care about it.

Also dont get mad him Men fall in love with what they see and women fall in love with they heard. Thats the reality of the nature but since that we are not apes anymore there are ways to turn this around.

Lastly stop looking at this from feministic way of thinking. Now I am not saying standing  your ground as a women demanding respect staying strong etc is a bad thing no thats what you need to in most cases. But if you allow this way of thinking affact you too much you will end up beign single and strong. Couple months later he will find another girl with long hair and you will end up beign single/miserable.

Well I have just given you what goes on in your boyfriends mind so now you know what to do. Just say him it will be well withing two weeks and find a way the replace love for the face to love for the soul.

I presume if you were married and your wife had a couple of kids and gained some weight, that too would cause your ego to be crushed and you'd fall out of love and divorce her?

What if you gained some weight or developed a skin condition, would you expect your wife to divorce you or your girlfriend to dump you?  Or do you think women are "different" and their egos wouldn't be crushed and therefore they wouldn't fall out of love?

If a man can't handle me being strong and thinking for myself, I don't want him as a relationship partner.  Plenty of men aren't so fragile.  They don't feel threatened or frightened by strong, independent women.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I presume if you were married and your wife had a couple of kids and gained some weight, that too would cause your ego to be crushed and you'd fall out of love and divorce her?

What if you gained some weight or developed a skin condition, would you expect your wife to divorce you or your girlfriend to dump you?  Or do you think women are "different" and their egos wouldn't be crushed and therefore they wouldn't fall out of love?

If a man can't handle me being strong and thinking for myself, I don't want him as a relationship partner.  Plenty of men aren't so fragile.  They don't feel threatened or frightened by strong, independent women.

Correct, my husband’s ego is not connected to what I look like . He loves my looks even as I age and he loves my mind and spirit and what he says is my gentle sweetness for animals and children and my intelligence. 

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I had a couple of men compliment me in the past couple of weeks.  They liked my hair.  Well, my hair is salt and pepper (mostly salt lol), but they complimented my curls.   They didn't shout "OMFG, you need to dye your hair!  Your gray hair makes you look so OLD!  You better dye your hair or your husband is going to fall out of love and divorce you!!!"

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I presume if you were married and your wife had a couple of kids and gained some weight, that too would cause your ego to be crushed and you'd fall out of love and divorce her?

What if you gained some weight or developed a skin condition, would you expect your wife to divorce you or your girlfriend to dump you?  Or do you think women are "different" and their egos wouldn't be crushed and therefore they wouldn't fall out of love?

If a man can't handle me being strong and thinking for myself, I don't want him as a relationship partner.  Plenty of men aren't so fragile.  They don't feel threatened or frightened by strong, independent women.

Oke first of all that was young me it was like 10 years ago now I am 33 so things changed. I have given that example because I want her to understand the situation she is in the Mens mindset can seem really strange to women I am trying to help her giving her another perspective just another way of looking at things. Secondly I am not intimdated by a strong women and would never leave my wife because of such things instead I would do the opposite I am not evil.

I also prefer to be with a strong women because her strengh can also bring strenght into my life. But I am also sceptical about fanatical feminist way of thinking not because its something bad (its a really useful thing sometimes) but if it gets out of control and causes breakups fights etc.

Let me give you another example 2 years ago I was living with my girlfriend and while I was working I kindly asked for a cup of water when I saw her drink one. She turned to me and said "Take your own damm water I am not your maid" I said oke and took my water myself but it was akward.If I was in the same position I would definetly bring her the water and actually I was the one serving the breakfast that morning and I dont felt like I am the maid of my Gf it was just a good behaviour. Later on she came to and apologised for reacting this badly for something really small.

When I ask why did you give that reaction and she said "Last night she was talking with the girls in her whatsapp group and they were all bashing men I think too much feminism caused me overthink your small request I dont know I just felt that you are giving me orders but you were not I know you are kind men so I am sorry for it." So this and in many similar events heavy thinking with this mindset can cause problems.

I mean look at you I have given a very small example by statining clearly about my views about Women indepence (I STRONGLY SUPPORT WOMEN RIGHTS) there is nothing wrong with what I wrote. Yet you got triggred immedietly and send me a response about wife and medical problems what the hell calm down relax no need for an attack. That was just an example about somethin happened to me years back when I was young naive and kinda stupid I am not like that anymore. So basicly you see even you have created a really big deal from something which is %100 not about you dont look away my friend look at you and your reaction. Now imagine that we were in some sort of real argument and we are friends (just example) there you go an explosion of rage coming from you this will be the end of conversation and our friendship plus I will probably get branded as women hater which I am not. So calm down all of you please calm down.

Anyway this post is about a girl who wants to correct the problems in her relationship so lets focus on that. I just dont want her to make the same mistake you did in your post and stay calm about it .If the things I say hurt anyone in anyway I am sorry thats not what I mean please calm down...

 

Edited by Caesar45
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14 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am not a “ radical feminist” not even in the least . 

Even beign one is not bad please dont get me wrong as a women like all women in the world you have every right to question the men dominance and fix the issues in our current soceity.

There are many narsistic men out there who only play games on women and use them for sex or do far worse things. When you are going aganist them belive me the guys like us will stand by your side cause we also see womens value in soceity but fight aganist them not aganist us.

Look I am a guy who is hearthbroken at this moment I am beign tortured by my ex in these last two days (feel free to check my post see my situation for yourself) Now I can do many things even the things which can ruin her life. If I even take a small screenshot of the messages she sent me and send it over to specific person her relationship will crash down like a train wreck. But I am not doing it instead I am staying away. She is taking an active revenge from me and I am not responding to her evil games and this is a person who brought terrible suffering into my life for many years. Even knowing my ex is a terrible person I have helped her when she caught covid because she was all alone and helpless.

Now do I look like a evil guy who will dump his wife because of some medical problems or reverse I hope you can understand me we are all in same side here. Also lets focus on the real topic the owner of this post. If you have anything to say to me please read my post and feel free to comment on it.

Edited by Caesar45
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🧐Um, I am not even a subconscious feminist. I am a humanist despite how I have been treated in life . I have been mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused by men. I have a son and I raised him to believe in the equality of PEOPLE. I am old enough to have myself figured out. I am old enough to even be your mom. My mom is also a humanist and believes in the equality of people long before her time . I believe in equal opportunity for all people. 
 

 

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8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

🧐Um, I am not even a subconscious feminist. I am a humanist despite how I have been treated in life . I have been mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused by men. I have a son and I raised him to believe in the equality of PEOPLE. I am old enough to have myself figured out. I am old enough to even be your mom. My mom is also a humanist and believes in the equality of people long before her time . I believe in equal opportunity for all people. 
 

 

Thats great then have a nice day : )

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1 hour ago, Caesar45 said:

Oke first of all that was young me it was like 10 years ago now I am 33 so things changed.

That's good because if you want a happy relationship you'll have to deal with any questions (or comments) that remotely resemble the "does this make me look fat?" question.

By now you know no woman wants to hear she's unattractive to her mate. (unless you like sleeping on the sofa)

So even you have to bite your tongue or try to say something nice but reassuring like "you're always beautiful to me" or similar, is a much better way to go.

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