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long distance


demang
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I'm in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. It was someone from my past that I reconnected with over the summer. We started seeing each other in July and spent a lot of time together for a few weeks until he had to go to college in another state. In September I began overthinking long distance and broke up with him. He wanted to stay together and after a few weeks I realized that I would rather be long distance and still have him than not have him at all. We got back together in October.

Throughout the past few months he flew over to visit a few times (for a few days each) and each time has been amazing. I was looking forward to winter break which started a month ago. He told me that being together for a whole month would reassure me that all of the distance was worth it once we were finally happy and together again. Since winter break started I haven't felt this way though. I have felt as though we haven't spent much time together and his excitement towards me has died down.

I feel like he's fallen out of the "honeymoon stage" and I haven't which makes me sad. I am still always wanting to talk to him, see him as much as possible and do anything for him. I feel like he doesn't feel the same though. I feel like i'm constantly waiting around for whenever he decides that he's in the mood to talk to me, hang out with me, etc. I know that part of my feelings have to be me overthinking because he has a lot going on. A close family member of his is sick and in the hospital, and he has many other people (including his family) to see over break other than me. I still can't help but feel unwanted though. I communicated this once and he reassured me that he still had the same feelings for me that he has had since the start and that he's just been busy and has had a lot going on. I felt better for a few days but now i'm getting upset again and it is eating away at me. Since i've been feeling rejected by him, I know that I've been giving off a sad energy to him and I've been moody over little things.

I don't want him to grow to hate me for being sad, moody, and naggy but I feel awkward expressing my feelings to him because I feel like he brushes them off. I think that he is very comfortable in the relationship and he knows that I am obsessed with him so he has no reason to worry, but my insecurities are getting the best of me. I think he has gotten too comfortable to the point where he doesn't feel like he needs to try as much anymore. He has never brought up any kind of problem to me, and I know that he doesn't think as deeply into things as I do. This is another reason why I don't want to keep bringing things up, because it's getting repetitive without any changes in the way I feel and I don't want to become annoying. I'm scared because he's going to be going back to college in 2 weeks and I don't know how to address things in a way that will actually make me feel better. 

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I’m normally you when I’m seeing someone. My long distance recently came back to my city and I don’t see heaps of him, but it’s been me pumping the breaks because I already had an over full life before he returned and I have to find a way to fit him in. 
 

How is the rest of your life looking? Where are your friends, how’s your to do list looking, what goals are you working towards. What did you do with the time you’re currently spending wishing he was more available before he came back?

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This is still very new so pace yourself and balance the relationship with other aspects of your life. 

Now is also the time to observe your partner instead of being pushy or trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Don’t keep telling him how you feel and complaining. He isn’t responsible for fixing the way you feel or for fixing the problem. Look for a solution to your problem and come to an agreement about how you communicate and bridge the distance. 

Agree to call or catch up at a certain time each day/night for example. Resist nonstop texting or trying to read into whether he’s still into you depending on frequency of texts etc. It’s not sustainable over a longer period.

If he can’t make it or you can’t make it to a call each evening let the other know in advance. It’s important you both have similar expectations and respect that you have lives outside the relationship. 

Eventually I think you will both have to decide whether long distance is for you. You already were hesitant once and ended things. I’m surprised he continued to see you. Go your separate ways if this is bringing out the worst in either of you. Life’s too short to live miserably.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Set both yourselves free, so you can cut your losses and not grow to resent him.

LDRs are very frustrating, lonely and difficult. Why trap yourselves in that?

Enjoy college and join some groups, clubs, sports and make friends.

Broaden your horizons. You'll enjoy life more without being stuck in an unsatisfactory situation.

Edited by Wiseman2
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We can pretzel ourselves to view relationships through a different lens, but it all boils down to this: either someone makes a good match for us, or they don't.

Sure, it's heartbreaking to want more from someone than their limits allow. This doesn't make either of you a villain. It just means that you want more and deserve more, and he's not willing or capable of giving it.

So? Liberate yourself.

Nobody is 'wrong' here, you're just wrong for one another.

Trust that the right person for you will view you through the right lens, he will 'get you,' and you'll enjoy the kind of simpatico that won't have you questioning whether this is the RIGHT match for you.

Until you meet that person, don't compromise your standards. It will NOT be most people. This is a needle-in-the-haystack pursuit, but if you keep wasting your time on bad matches, you'll reduce your chances of ever finding your RIGHT match.

Head high, be resilient and brave, and be patient. This guy is NOT your ONE.

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