How to break it to my husband that I want to go camping without him?

[ReadTreadRedemption]

Help y'all! I've been married for 1.5 years (dated husband a couple years before that).

I'm 37 but was single for many years as a naturalist and park ranger.  It's hard to maintain relationships when you're moving every 6 months, but eventually I met someone hoped I could adventure with. Apparently, it's not that simple. 

My husband works in those woods. He doesn't explore them since it feels like the workplace to him.  So his concept of a day trip is driving out 4-6 hours to spend time and cash somewhere new (which isn't always practical).

I have been cooped up since 2018. I work at an office 1 mile from home. From 2018-2021, I had no car. Now that I have a car, my husband doesn't like me to drive unless necessary to save gas.  He has a good point. It is costing us $thousands$ to care for my elderly mom.  We really do need to watch our dimes.  

Housekeeping stresses him out, as do other factors in our lives. So it's hard for him to control the impulse to complain about cash, life, or me (I'm a tomboy and I got cellulite over the past few years)....so it was almost a relief when he'd zone out with a sports game or his friends while I got the house under control.  Since about 2015, I've also needed to perform 6 weeks-4 months of caregiving for my profoundly disabled mom (who is a hoarder).  You putter around in sweatpants for weeks or months cooking, serving, organizing, maybe calling 911, and if you're lucky you can sit down for a movie about people living the lives you're missing.  While watching your reflection age.

My husband isn't all wrong about watching our finances.  Thus..........to lift my spirits....I don't want to shop, drink, eat out, or travel far. I want to drive 15-30 minutes to camp with our dog and live like the opposite of domestic creature: walk, nap, roast beans and tortillas, teach the dog to swim, observe other animals, stay up late, and play with sticks.  I would bring my husband with me, except he's bored of our mountains.  And he kind of micromanages me and gets annoyed when I'm goofy.  I have depression, but you'd never know it when I'm with our dog; we are loud, silly, and rambunctious.  Trust me--there is nothing "cool" or "sexy" when I'm baby-talking our lab mix and cheering like a maniac because he did a training trick.  Some people are annoyed by excessive perkiness. My husband is one of those people.  Most of time, excessive perkiness is not a problem I have.  But I need to experience that occasionally to stay sane.

I've told him I want to camp out a few times, but he feels rejected or like I'm dissing him. I'm not dissing him.  It's not a punishment.  Surely he can't love being married to a depressed person who has nothing to share. I was cool when we met. Now I'm a Stepford Wife.

I don't want to be alone in the woods forever.  Just 24-48 hours to be myself again.  And to be more mentally/physically fit, which he'd probably enjoy too.  And I think he'd admire, respect me more if I had a life of my own.  There is more to me than checking emails and soaking baking pans.  At least, I think there still is. And I'd like to save that part of myself before it's snuffled out completely.

 

[Jibralta]

I think you should go camping. You need to, in fact. I think you should just go, and tell him that he's welcome to come visit you if he wants. That way, he can't take it as a personal rejection.

[Seraphim]

I think the world wide situation has exacerbated the issue but I think you both have discovered that you are very mismatched. I would explore that . 
 

I would say go camping he is not your keeper. 

[adviceplease2]

Simple...pack up and go.  Tell him when you'll be back.

[catfeeder]

46 minutes ago, ReadTreadRedemption said:

I would bring my husband with me, except he's bored of our mountains.  And he kind of micromanages me and gets annoyed when I'm goofy. 

I'd tell husband that I'm going camping on X mountain, and he's welcome to join me--or not, his choice. But if he wants in, it's your trip and your rules. He would need to agree up front to them.

If he opts out, you're golden. If he wants to join you, tell him that he can't change your plans or manage any aspect of your trip. He'll need to meet you there or follow you so that he can leave at any time rather than complain, as you intend to be loud and goofy at any time.

If this offends him, I'd go on the trip and let him get over it.

If this 'causes' a marriage problem, then the trip is not the real problem. The problem already exists, and your inability to take a trip OR enjoy his company on a trip is only a symptom.

[Batya33]

I agree you should go but.... who is going to care for your mom while you're gone if she needs someone? Your husband or will you hire someone? I think it's generally fine to do separate stuff.  You seem like you don't admire or respect him.  Did you know when you married him that he would not want to hang out in the woods/go camping? 

You seem fairly contemptuous of all things domestic in your married life and that's ok as far as it goes- if he's not doing his part maybe save your pennies and hire a housekeeper/cleaning service? He certainly is a big help as far as your mom goes, yes? Why did you get married?  Why did you marry him? Were you ever in love with him? I married at 42.  My husband was 42.  I relocated for my husband's job after 43 years in one city.  I mean many people make sacrifices/compromise to be with their person, the right person for them. You seem resentful and regretful.

[ReadTreadRedemption]

21 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'd tell husband that I'm going camping on X mountain, and he's welcome to join me--or not, his choice. But if he wants in, it's your trip and your rules. He would need to agree up front to them.

If he opts out, you're golden. If he wants to join you, tell him that he can't change your plans or manage any aspect of your trip. He'll need to meet you there or follow you so that he can leave at any time rather than complain, as you intend to be loud and goofy at any time.

If this offends him, I'd go on the trip and let him get over it.

If this 'causes' a marriage problem, then the trip is not the real problem. The problem already exists, and your inability to take a trip OR enjoy his company on a trip is only a symptom.

Thank you for writing to me!  I can see why you're a Platinum member--you are a good thinker.  There's wisdom in that signature line in the bottom, about leaving problems alone.  I need to write that down.  I also want the line "I intend to be loud and goofy at any time XD!" printed on a t-shirt or a sticker label on my chest, as disclaimer XD!  Should probably get one for the puppy too.... =^__^=

[MissCanuck]

I would go camping. 

And I would take that time to reflect on how profoundly unhappy you sound in this marriage, and what you really want and need out of a partnership. 

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, ReadTreadRedemption said:

Housekeeping stresses him out, as do other factors in our lives. So it's hard for him to control the impulse to complain about cash, life, or me

 

He seems miserable. His whole person sounds miserable. I can’t tell if you’re sarcastic about housework stressing him out or if it is really a problem. Did he ever grow up? You sound like a live in maid. 

Be with your dog outside. At some point you will have to rethink the marriage and your finances. This isn’t working.