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He's not over his ex tells me he loves me worth the lie?


Lillyanna
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I recently met this new guy we both recently went through breakups mine more recent than his... anyway we met November. We hung out many times I stayed at his out for long periods of time like a 4 days at a time.... I told him I wouldn't want to continue doing this because I don't want to feel used or do friends w/ benefits I seem to like him more than he does. I told him I may be falling for him I expressed my concerns to him since he doesn't text me back as fast as I text him. I told him having sexual activity should be with people who more than like each other because I'm not into the hook up thing. I'm looking for a relationship. When I tell him this he goes "But I do love you though..." My question is why is it worth it for him to lie to me? I mean he's not going on on tinder anymore or other dating apps. (Yes I know this as factual information he's not going on other apps It doesn't matter how I know...) I know he still may be upset about how his ex left him but he doesn't seem so into me.... He goes he feels he doesn't have to put in as much effort in texting because he feels we are already together and I will be coming over soon... He doesn't want to let me go knowing I may be falling hard for him. So he really is going to risk breaking my heart? instead of maybe keeping his options open and finding something he may really like.....? He's really going to tell me he loves me when I bring up how I'm looking for something serious....

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4 minutes ago, Lillyanna said:

 I stayed at his out for long periods of time like a 4 days at a time...

Sorry this is happening. Way too much too soon. This is the getting to know you dating stage. 

You are smothering him by staying there too often and for too long.

You're also text-tethering him with your response time mandates.

Step way back. You are overinvolved, overinvesting and coming on way too strong.

It seems like you are on the rebound and this is making you this clingy.

 

 

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Way too much too soon. This is the getting to know you dating stage. 

You are smothering him by staying there too often and for too long.

Well I don't drive he does and he lives an hour away so that's when he was able to bring me back and he didn't want me to go either but it was time.... 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

 

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

You're also text-tethering him with your response time mandates.

 

Also, I stepped back we texted for a week and I responded back normally and didn't say anything about it but now since it's almost time we both have our day offs next week I don't want him to come pick me up and I stay with him for another 3 days if its not going towards something or if he doesn't feel the same way I do. 

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

 

 

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I feel like you are talking at him with those series of statements and concerns. If you don’t sense he’s into you stop “hanging out” with him. You’re both recently out of a relationship with your previous partners so proceed with caution.

Him texting more often or you rearranging your life for him or telling him how it should be in a relationship isn’t likely to do anything. You both need time. Don’t rush things.

Why do you suspect he’s lying when he says he loves you? That could be what he feels so also leave that alone and let him be. No need to pick at it or drive yourself crazy. You care about him too. 

Realistically where do you see this going? Were you planning on moving closer to him?  Or were you expecting on him to move closer to you? It seems disorienting having no transportation of your own and spending so much time away from your own home.

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Why in the world would he be using you if you agreed to hang out with him and date him and have sex with him without any commitment?  You're an adult and you chose to do this -it sounds like you had fun so there was a benefit to you.  You're not friends -right -I mean you met and started hanging out -not close friends before -so it's not friends with benefits -you chose to interact with him sexually soon after you met -you had fun, yes? You enjoyed getting to know him. You are responsible for yourself -if you get attached through a casual sex arrangement and hanging out for days on end -you choose to stop.  He might feel he loves you and not want to commit to you -just like you felt sexually attracted to him but didn't want to commit to him (or, not badly enough as you kept hanging out casually).  

If you trust him enough to have sex, risk pregnancy, risk STDs, then you should trust him enough that he will only be having sex with and dating you.  If he doesn't say "I only want to be with you and I'm not looking to date anyone else" then he's still keeping his options open whether he's on any dating apps or otherwise.  That's not a commitment even if he loves you. 

Get clear on what you want.  Get clear on taking responsibility for yourself and your boundaries and your values -then you won't be tempted to ask him to text you more often or complain about how often he's checking in with you. 

You seem like you want him to check in with you to reassure you he's into you right?  Not because you find the details of his day or what he had for lunch fascinating.  Most people don't like having to check in without good reason.  You don't have a good reason with this person.

Once you make your own choice and act consistently with your values you'll feel a lot better about yourself and what to do next will be clearer and cleaner and not all muddied up with empty labels and whirling emotions.

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1 hour ago, Lillyanna said:

My question is why is it worth it for him to lie to me?

Is that really a question? Yes, some people lie to preserve "status quo". If he told you that he doesnt love you and that he is only into casual sex with you would you stay? Ofcourse not when he knows you are looking for an actual relationship. Like this, he preserves satus quo and you are still there for him to casual hook ups. He doesnt need Tinder because you provide hook ups on daily basis for him. Sadly, other then that, he doesnt look for an actual relationship. At least with you. 

Personally I am not a fan. Its better to at least be open about what you want. For example, you could spend your time now searching for somebody actually wanting a relationship with you. So he is just wasting your time. What I am trying to say is, yes, some people lie in order to get what they want. World isnt sunshine and rainbows and rarely who looks up to your own interests. They all want their own interests taken care. So you should take care of your interests as well. That means going away from somebody who just wants casual when you are clearly looking for more. 

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3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

So he is just wasting your time. What I am trying to say is, yes, some people lie in order to get what they want. World isnt sunshine and rainbows and rarely who looks up to your own interests. They all want their own interests taken care. So you should take care of your interests as well. That means going away from somebody who just wants casual when you are clearly looking for more. 

I think she is wasting her own time.  He has been honest with her that he doesn't want a relationship with her -who cares if he doesn't want a relationship in general -I'd assume it's with her so she's not in pieces when she sees him serious with someone else in the near future - that often happens.  He is not lying if he says he has loving feelings and also doesn't want a commitment to her.  Both might be true. He's entitled to have sex with a consenting single adult.  

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I feel like you are talking at him with those series of statements and concerns.

I agree. Those are your concerns and they are your responsibility to uphold, not his. All of this other stuff about his motives/ethics/communication preferences is irrelevant. You're just making excuses for you not taking care of yourself.

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23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He is not lying if he says he has loving feelings and also doesn't want a commitment to her.  Both might be true.

I dunno, to me it looks like he does lie. Love would mean that he would also consider her feelings as well. This one just considers his. And lies to keep her there. If he trully loved her he would commit and not just look for her to stay there because sex is probably good. And it seems to me that he does exactly that. Meaning lie to her so she wouldnt fly away to some other guy. Hence why its her responsability to take care for herself. Because he sure doesnt consider her feelings and how she does want a proper relationship. If she says "I want to leave" and he says "Dont leave I love you" it sure doesnt look like he is looking at her needs at all or being completely honest to her. 

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2 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

 I don't drive he does and he lives an hour away so that's when he was able to bring me back and he didn't want me to go either but it was time.... 

Ok, so there are some logistical problems as well. It seems to simply not be working, when this early stage would normally be fun and bliss. Distance, transportation, marathon dates, communication issues, rebound issues etc.

2 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

I don't want him to come pick me up and I stay with him for another 3 days if its not going towards something or if he doesn't feel the same way I do. 

Ok take a break from staying with him. Why can't he stay at your place? Cut your losses if you want him to "fight for you", because that is a bad idea.

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Unless you're under the age of consent, it makes no sense to describe your situation as something he's doing TO you.

Why would you say, "I'm relationship material..." and then hook up with someone who is rebounding from a breakup and doesn't want a relationship?

Allow bad matches to pass early, and go meet the next one.

Nobody is looking out for our best interests but us. So raise your standards and don't mess around with anyone who doesn't meet them.

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Look if your gut is saying he's lying, not as invested, not intense as you would expect by this time (this would be your expectation), then listen to what it's saying. I have been there...it's not progressing, he's not really putting anything in emotional wise...it's time to go.

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7 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

I told him having sexual activity should be with people who more than like each other because I'm not into the hook up thing. I'm looking for a relationship.

Not to sound harsh, but your actions prove otherwise.  In addition to that, he knows that by  saying the words, "I love you" is all it takes to keep you in line, (so to speak).

With that said, this seems to be a case of it's too late to lock the barn door, when the horse is already out.

Why not take this as a lesson learned, and work on raising your value?

 

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7 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

I seem to like him more than he does.

Isn't that all you need to know? If that's what you're feeling, why continue? I'm assuming you know how it feels when two people share an equal interest/infatuation with one another at the beginning. This isn't the case, so leave.

I'd also advise not to get into another situation that is not the normal way of dating at the beginning. At this point, you should have only been getting together once or twice a week, not for a smothering, too-much too-soon marathon, even if he seemed to like it. You could have taken the bus, taken Uber at least halfway, and other alternatives. If you don't want that hassle, date someone closer, where you don't rely on others to get from point A to point B. Why do you have four or more days off from work? Why don't you drive?

As far as texting, maybe you overdid it. Some people just aren't into it, and don't want their lives constantly intruded on. If that's the only reason you don't think he's into you, you might be assuming that. Spending four days a week at the beginning doesn't give a person time to miss you, and in need of a breather. Things are rarely one-sided. Look at your own behavior and expectations to learn what you could have done better. If nothing, you've learned what you don't want in a relationship.

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5 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Why not take this as a lesson learned, and work on raising your value?

I loved this whole post, I'd just restate this as 'recognizing' your value. There's no reasons for any of us to try to raise value that already exists.

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13 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

I recently met this new guy we both recently went through breakups mine more recent than his... anyway we met November.

I told him having sexual activity should be with people who more than like each other because I'm not into the hook up thing. I'm looking for a relationship. When I tell him this he goes "But I do love you though..."

I know he still may be upset about how his ex left him but he doesn't seem so into me.... He goes he feels he doesn't have to put in as much effort in texting because he feels we are already together and I will be coming over soon... 

This is so confusing. Did you or did you not hook up with him? Firstly, It is so important for you to #1 Do the internal work to heal yourself from your prior relationship by not hooking up with him or anyone just yet. Go out on dates, definitely have fun and don't punish yourself from meeting people but to be sexual with someone so soon and or latch onto someone who sounds like they are love bombing you just to keep you around as a rebound isn't healthy. 

The reason I say that is because reminding yourself that you need to heal from any prior breakups first is important in order for your to not end up attracting people who are emotionally unavailable. Which in this case, it sounds like he likes you but If he's inconsistent with his texting, and he calls you to come over only when it's convenient for him and not you, then obviously don't miss these red flags. He is literally telling you right there with his actions he's not fully invested and doesn't care so much to make things official with you 

My advice would be to take it slow, try to match his energy and do not give him more energy than he is giving you. Let him text you first a few times/make plans FIRST and stop reaching out and emotionally getting yourself attached to something so recent and new when he's lacking effort. He sounds like he's still wounded and needs to heal as well.. but it's very typical for men NOT to do that and use women such as yourself that are extremely vulnerable to temporarily make themselves feel better about the situation. Don't be that girl xx Take care

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I’m sorry I’m not hooking up with anyone who doesn’t want a relationship I’m under the impression that he did when we met because that’s what he told me, it just puzzles me as to why he is not leaving his options open if I feel he isn’t that into me. I told him straight up how I felt.
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On 1/15/2022 at 6:32 AM, Lillyanna said:

We hung out many times I stayed at his out for long periods of time like a 4 days at a time.... I told him I wouldn't want to continue doing this because I don't want to feel used or do friends w/ benefits I seem to like him more than he does. I told him I may be falling for him I expressed my concerns to him since he doesn't text me back as fast as I text him. I told him having sexual activity should be with people who more than like each other because I'm not into the hook up thing. I'm looking for a relationship. When I tell him this he goes "But I do love you though..." My question is why is it worth it for him to lie to me?

So I will tell you this- if you meet a person who really wants a relationship with you -who sees potential -you will never ever have to have that cynical discussion that reveals baggage about how after having consensual sex you "don't want to be used" and you won't have to trot out the coy "friends with benefits" to describe casual sex with someone you recently met.

Please don't do that.  It's not a good look.  Meet someone and properly date in public at least the first couple of dates and if you two click and see potential you won't be wondering if he's lying.  He told you he loved you -so you're saying now he also told you he wants to be committed to you?

I had a friend who had many casual sex partners in his 30s - he would tell me -so many of them would say the next morning "you know I've never done this before!".  OK.  If you're going to have casual sex or hook ups, own it.  You're an adult, your choice.  If you want a serious relationship but you lead with casual hook ups that's risky but your choice.  Please don't be the coy damsel in distress who then says "I don't want to be used just for sex".  

I don't think you should date this person because you don't trust him.

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5 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

My question is could he be lying about this

OF COURSE he could be lying to you. You've known him a grand total of two months--that means you really don't know him at all. You just feel like you do.

If you really knew him well, you wouldn't be asking a bunch of internet strangers what he is thinking. No amount of internet strangers' opinions is going to make up for the fact that he is a stranger.

Pay attention to your feelings. If you feel like you like him more than he likes you, assume that you are correct about that. Protect yourself from heartbreak.

It doesn't matter how much you tell him what your relationship goals are. He is not responsible for upholding them. You are.

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9 hours ago, Lillyanna said:

He did agree to have a relationship with me and be committed with me sorry if I didn’t explain this in my question. Hes willing to be serious with me that’s why My question is could he be lying about this

Lying is a strong accusation, which is why so many of us believed from your post that you felt mistrustful enough to speak of being used.

So whatever the guy has said or done to make you feel used is kind of irrelevant. You don't feel that he's trustworthy, and that's all you need to know. 

If I don't feel mutual trust and love, then the relationship isn't good enough for me. I don't need to build a case for whether a guy is a liar or not, I'm just out

The only excuse I need to give for leaving is that this isn't working for me.

Boom! Done. Onto finding a better match.

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On 1/15/2022 at 6:32 AM, Lillyanna said:

I know he still may be upset about how his ex left him but he doesn't seem so into me.... He goes he feels he doesn't have to put in as much effort in texting because he feels we are already together and I will be coming over soon... He doesn't want to let me go knowing I may be falling hard for him. So he really is going to risk breaking my heart? instead of maybe keeping his options open and finding something he may really like.....? He's really going to tell me he loves me when I bring up how I'm looking for something serious....

Okay, you two met in November.  And now YOU are getting feelings.

And you two have both just experienced break ups.

Did he lie?  Yes, in order to try & keep you around.. BUT, if you feel he is not over his last relationship, he doesn't have much to 'give' to you at this time. ( most often, if it was long term and they're still reeling over their ex, this is a rebound - and yah, they hurt!  Because soon enough they'll pull away & you're left all confused & hurt.. again 😕 ).

So, as suggested, maybe back off a lot.  Get yourself more grounded and seriously give this some space.. Like, why are you hanging over there for days at a time?  Because you depend on him.... Then lessen these visits.  

HE is going to risk breaking YOUR heart you ask?  This is on you I say, as you are also adult enough to speak up & decide for yourself.. Yes, we often learn the hard way 😕 .. And yes, We ( females) do often get feelings way before they do.

Is maybe best to back off now & get a breather, as it sounds you  do feel you're in this way more than he is.. as you said how YOU are wanting something more serious.. Then you know he's just in this for 'the fun of it'.

 

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