Girlfriends daughter suddenly hates me

[Mello]

So, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. We've known each other much longer. She has 2 daughters, a 2 year old and a 7 year old. We used to be good friends a couple years back before she had the 2 year old. So, I've known her older daughter much longer. Me and the kids always got along great. The older one absolutely loves me and is always asking for me to come over and spend time with her. When I am there 90% of my time is spent with the kids, playing with them, entertaining them and whatnot. The only time I spend with my girlfriend is after their bedtime. The youngest always loved me as well, always wanted to play and interact with me and even call me randomly on Facetime. We would sit and play for hours, I would wake her up in the morning or put her to bed on the days I was there and she would always be so happy. However, suddenly the youngest despises me. Any time she comes near me she instantly starts yelling "NO!" and swinging her hands at me to hit me. She refuses anything from me, I can't even fill her juice up without her flipping out. I first have to hand the cup to her mom after filling it so she can give it to her. It's strange sometime she'll call my name for my attention and she'll be happy/giggly for maybe a minute. Then boom right back to "NO!" and hitting/being mad. I don't really understand what I did. I've never done anything mean to her, I'm constantly just trying to make her happy. Her mom doesn't think much of it and kinda just laughs it off. But it honestly bums me out. I really care about her and both of her kids. So, it's just kinda disappointing that she's completely 180'd on me out of nowhere. I still get along great with her older daughter. Am I just trying to hard to please her? I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong. Any advice would be appreciated. 

[Seraphim]

Very typical behaviour for a toddler zero to do with you. It is a developmental stage. Read up on developmental stages of children. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Lemmy said:

She refuses anything from me, I can't even fill her juice up without her flipping out.. Her mom doesn't think much of it and kinda just laughs it off. 

You're spending way too much time with your GF's children. Pull way back on this. Tantrums are the time kids want to assert their independence. Just let her kids do stuff for themselves. Where is their father?

[Lambert]

When dealing with kids sometimes you have to give it back to them.  so they learn. 

like if she won't take the cup from you, you say.... "ok. if you're being mean to me, I won't fill up your cup until you are nice again."

Then ignore her. yes it's childish. but she's a toddler and they will manipulate the situation.  she probably thinks she's cute doing that you. Getting attention, see you react. 

it's just like when you see a parent in a store and they say something like. 'ok we're leaving. if you want to stay here. bye'

lol. belive me no one leaves without the kid.  

[boltnrun]

She's getting old enough to understand you're not her daddy and that her mommy loves you and not her daddy. Plus, it probably also has a lot to do with the "terrible two's".

Where is her daddy? Do the girls have the same father? Do they spend time with their dad(s)? Could the two year old's dad be saying bad things about you to her?

[Batya33]

I would stop interacting in any caregiver or parenting role -if you want to help out while you're there then do something non-kid related.  She's 2 so it's normal but respect her need for space.  I wouldn't discipline her -let her mother do that but if you choose to interact with her and she is mean I'd say "I feel sad when you speak to me that way" or something like that.  

[catfeeder]

I think both my nephew and my niece pulled that on me when they were that age, and I'd been a constant and loving figure in their lives since pre-birth.

Don't react or respond. Reward kindness with kindness, but not over-indulgence, and when she turns a tantrum pretend not to notice. Focus instead on any other thing, even an imaginary thing, to feign an interest and call the other child or mother over to see it and discuss it.

Addressing a tantrum with attention, even if it's negative, is a reward for the behavior. Better to just allow the child to miss out on your attention while lavishing it on everyone else while she's acting out.

Sure, it feels lousy, but it usually plays out pretty quickly if you play it right.

Head high, and I hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[melancholy123]

She's two, that's most of your problem.  I say back off a bit, dont reward bad behaviour, such as filling her cup if she's being mean.  She'll figure it out.  Give her time.

[electricorchid]

The truth is kids are so unpredictable, could be several things. I don't want to assume but maybe she realizes her mommy loves you more than her father or secondly, that her mother was upset at you at one point or something or maybe made a comment and she started mimicking the parent. 

Either way, try not to take this so literally (I know it sucks) but kids are so sensitive. Be nice to her when shes nice, and try to ignore her or give her her space when shes being her rude. etc. 

Don't take it personally!! Kids are kids. 

[LootieTootie]

Terrible Two....

There is such a thing... I learned that firsthand 4 years ago. I was very close to my nephew when he was 1. Then it's like a light switch when he turned two. What a MONSTER! Yelled at me! Screamed at me, would covered his ears when he didn't want me to tell him a story. That used to always work when he was 1 to get him to calm down. He even hit me several times. 

Then he got over the terrible 2 phase and now he's an angel and such a goody two shoes. 

Be patient and just wait til she's over the terrible 2 stage.

 

[Batya33]

There is a terrible two stage.  But kids also are very intuitive and absorb stuff.  I don't think kids who are having melt downs are "monsters" despite perhaps behaving bratty -certainly young kids who do that are having a hard time themselves.  In this situation I think he's tried to take on a parental role and he's not the parent.

This child may sense he's not the parent, she may be worried that since he's not daddy he could leave at any time(because he can) - so she'd prefer to keep her distance for now.  Or she might be jealous that he takes her mom's attention.  I wouldn't label the phase or the child as "good girl" or "bad girl" -she's young and she's expressing she wants her distance from a man who is not related to her and not her caregiver.  She's entitled and the adult just has to suck it up and not take it personally.  

[tattoobunnie]

My youngest won't hold, kiss or hug dad, and will yell for me to do something instead of dad, and he loves his dad a lot.  It's a control thing/developmental phase that will works its way out.  It's showing love, making choices.  I wouldn't take it personally at all. It's like one day they love cantaloupe till kingdom come.  The next week, it's an abomination.  Really, don't take it personally!

[indea08]

On 1/14/2022 at 3:59 PM, Mello said:

So, I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now. We've known each other much longer. She has 2 daughters, a 2 year old and a 7 year old. We used to be good friends a couple years back before she had the 2 year old. So, I've known her older daughter much longer. Me and the kids always got along great. The older one absolutely loves me and is always asking for me to come over and spend time with her. When I am there 90% of my time is spent with the kids, playing with them, entertaining them and whatnot. The only time I spend with my girlfriend is after their bedtime. The youngest always loved me as well, always wanted to play and interact with me and even call me randomly on Facetime. We would sit and play for hours, I would wake her up in the morning or put her to bed on the days I was there and she would always be so happy. However, suddenly the youngest despises me. Any time she comes near me she instantly starts yelling "NO!" and swinging her hands at me to hit me. She refuses anything from me, I can't even fill her juice up without her flipping out. I first have to hand the cup to her mom after filling it so she can give it to her. It's strange sometime she'll call my name for my attention and she'll be happy/giggly for maybe a minute. Then boom right back to "NO!" and hitting/being mad. I don't really understand what I did. I've never done anything mean to her, I'm constantly just trying to make her happy. Her mom doesn't think much of it and kinda just laughs it off. But it honestly bums me out. I really care about her and both of her kids. So, it's just kinda disappointing that she's completely 180'd on me out of nowhere. I still get along great with her older daughter. Am I just trying to hard to please her? I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong. Any advice would be appreciated. 

Yeah this is 1000000% normal. My 2 year old does this to her dad probably at least half the time. It’s nothing about you at all, toddlers are just sassy and there’s no comfort that warms their hearts like “mommy”. Just be patient through it, it will pass!!