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My boyfriend always pioritizes himself


Kliana
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So where to start. I am 25f, my boyfriend is 31m. We've been dating for 5 years now and the relationship has been rocky for at least the last 3 years. It was small things at first, but I started to feel very sad and miserable all the time. There were a lot of issues, he was constantly moody and living with him made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, he snapped at me a lot and then acted like I was crazy when I pointed out that he was taking his moods out on me. I did all the household cooking, cleaning (except for dishes and putting trash out) and organising even while studying full time. He had some outbursts of punching walls, doors and breaking things. There were times he didn't come home at all and I had to find out from his friends. He never saw that there was anything wrong with this behaviour and I'd had enough. So I got my own house and moved out for a bit, thinking that it'd help improve our relationship. Ever since then it has been like pulling teeth to get him to even come over or do anything with me. If he says he'll come at 8pm, he'll show up from 9pm to even 12am. I'm left waiting for him multiple times a week. He comes to my house and tries to tell me what I should do with my own place. I cook for him when he comes over and he complains about helping with the dishes. A lot of the time he tries to cancel plans, leave early or not come over at all. If I ask him why, he'll say he wants time to himself or that he's doing x chore seemingly to avoid coming over until the last possible minute. I'm at my wit's end, I don't feel loved or appreciated and don't know what to do. I am disabled and feel reliant on him a lot, even when moved out to take me to doctors appointments and for occasional financial support. I don't know if the relationship is salvageable, please help me.

Edited by Kliana
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How much of the reason you stay is your dependence on him because you have a disability and he gives you $? It sounds like he resents your dependence on him.  What other resources do you have related to your disability in the community or through family? What have you tried to do for yourself? He's just not that into you -that is why he puts himself first and is not reliable and you chase him just to get him to see you.  If you were given a million dollars tomorrow -would you stay or go?

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I do stay a bit because of the dependence, but not that much. Ever since moving out I have accessed a lot of disability services and have become quite a bit more independent and self motivated. I have carers now, but only for set periods of time so still need some help. I don't have a lot of money as I live on disability, but the boyfriend works full time and has a good income. I struggle to get by living by myself. I'm actually a very driven person and habe managed to get myself through a very intensive program in the last year and have been accepted into a high ranking college and will be studying soon. I've done everything I can to make sure he isn't stuck looking after me, but it seems to have made things worse actually. Now that I'm not reliant on me he tells me that I don't need or love him anymore and seems very insecure a d angry. If I had a million dollars.. I don't know I can't imagine that amount of money really.

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No it's not....you need to end it. He checked out on your relationship 3 years ago. If it couldn't be resolved then, it sure as hell can't now. He wants out but he is too much of a coward to do it. Hey it takes two to repair issues...he wants no part of that...that was your cue to start walking. 

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So many dealbreakers. A list of many. I don't know what you mean by got your own house, if you bought or rent. If you're living beyond your means and need another's  finances and can't afford transport for the disabled, then you'll have to downsize and live within your means.

Clearly, he's not a good partner. He shows in his actions that he doesn't love you. Good luck in your studies and creating the life you desire. 

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It’s best to move on, step forward with your studies wholeheartedly and leave this person behind.

Throwing things and breaking things are an immediate dealbreaker.

Not valuing your time and assuming he knows better about your home is inappropriate. 

Where is your self-respect? Don’t invite him over again.

 

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3 hours ago, Kliana said:

Ever since moving out I have accessed a lot of disability services and have become quite a bit more independent and self motivated.  I struggle to get by living by myself. have been accepted into a high ranking college and will be studying soon. 

Sorry this is happening. Good you moved out. Focus on your college and future.

He's abusive and you need to delete and block him. Research "abusive relationship". Reach out to domestic violence agencies for help becoming independent.

Keep looking for services available to you. Check with social services as well as local and government agencies and faith base help.

Make friends. Neighbors, people you can reach out to, etc. Consider getting a roommate. Make sure he doesn't have keys to your place. If so change the locks. On day he will hurt or kill you.

Abuse involves isolation and financial ruin so you'll have to rebuild that. Do Not Depend on him for Anything. Get a restraining order.. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It’s best to move on, step forward with your studies wholeheartedly and leave this person behind.

Throwing things and breaking things are an immediate dealbreaker.

Not valuing your time and assuming he knows better about your home is inappropriate. 

Where is your self-respect? Don’t invite him over again.

 

This ^^^ as well as what everyone else said above. Access those services that can help you.  If you cant afford your house, you need to move to a cheaper place.  This guy clearly resents you.

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5 hours ago, Kliana said:

I don't have a lot of money as I live on disability, but the boyfriend works full time and has a good income.

Yes, and it's his money - just because he earns a good income has zero to do with whether he should share that money with you.  You're not married. 

You dodged my million dollar question.  OK -if someone today offered you enough money to live a comfortable life style however you define it would you stay or go.

Staying with a dangerous person for money/dependence is not OK.

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