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Am I pausing for ANY reason?


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Dated for nearly two years. It was the first proper relationship for both of us and was very love-filled, no domestic issues etc. Only a couple arguments here and there, we both had huge crushes on each other and took it very shy and slow in the beginning. Fast-forward; she ended it for a bunch of reasons against me she never properly brought to me and a bunch of hypotheticals about our future with an extreme reading of my character, which she later admitted was a reflection to her own family traumas. She then wanted to be friends despite the not-the-best attempt at a breakup, which was prolonged by her, and I said no at first. After a month she called me and said she misses me and she loves me still. Wouldn't say I love you after this whenever we called. Week later I asked her why. Turns out she essentially manipulated me into being her friend for a week when she knew I didn't want that. Didn't talk again. Hallucinated her a week after this so the next day I called her and decided, for the betterment of myself, to be friends, to stay in contact mostly. I came home from my first term at University and during my stay we essentially did everything a couple would do. One of the first meetings we had we agreed to start slow again, super slow like not hand holding yet slow, and she explained the break up was a case of a) her believing she couldn't do a relationship at the moment due to her own issues, but b) also still my fault in the reasons she never sat down to talk with me about. We had this double date with my friends who were a couple and I do admit I told one of my friends I had preserved issues with this date since I didn't think the act was matching our slow start and my ex(?) was getting a benefit they weren't subscribed to, for lack of term. When it was just me and her she made it clear to me we weren't a couple, yet this past month she received the benefits of a couple to my belief. After this double date I tried to call her and text her here and there since I thought we were both going slow but I decided to not message her for a bit to be more slow. Since this she has not spoke to me at all. 

Our relationship was not toxic to my knowledge. We both went with the flow and were slow with any sex and even the declaring of our love. Our break up wasn't the cut clean break up of the average couple; we had the big list of reasons she's right or i'm right, then a big heart-breaking silence from each other and removing each other but would have a big cry together and rinse repeat the last two steps essentially. Its been 4 months nearly and its been the slowest, most demotivating and depressing time for us. The break up felt forced almost, she would be crying and going back on her decisions yet insisted on a break up for the better of us both since she believed she wasn't capable for a relationship anymore. I've been trying to tell her that, quite frankly, it has not been better for both of us. Insomnia, depression and demotivation for 4 months is in no way better for either of us. 

I feel like I've been paused emotionally this whole time. I don't want anyone else and I just can't see the unfixable reason for which we can't be together anymore. I do still love her and as far I can tell she still loves me, I could be wrong I suppose but she doesn't hate me definitely. I also feel like she is throwing me back and forth on her own courtyard; she wants me, she doesn't want me etc. She says stuff like "I love you romantically but I don't want to be with you" and that she wouldn't tell me if she went on a date in the meanwhile, but says she doesn't want to so it's fine. All back and forth and it's really hurtful.

The main reason I'm making this post is because of the fact she hasn't talked to me since I stopped messaging her but said she wanted to start slow. I don't know what to do, do I just wait it out since I love her or do I remove her? Do I call her? Why could she being this? 

Sorry if this isn't posted in the right place etc. I just want some help to be frank and I'm tired of feeling lost, down and bad about myself. 

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How long are you willing to inflict limbo upon yourself? I think, give it a time limit and when that time is up unilaterally decide this isn’t working and walk away. You will be able to love others once you’ve grieved this loss but for now, you’re best off focussing on yourself. 
 

My 2 cents, she’s already done. If she really wanted to reestablish a connection with you there would be more regular contact. Don’t be conned when she does get in touch now, she’s just throwing you a bread crumb or two to keep you on the hook. (I think this because I cannot fathom never contacting the recipient of my affections!)

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2 hours ago, dontdoanythingpermanent said:

Its been 4 months nearly and its been the slowest, most demotivating and depressing time for us. The break up felt forced almost, she would be crying and going back on her decisions yet insisted on a break up for the better of us both since she believed she wasn't capable for a relationship anymore. I've been trying to tell her that, quite frankly, it has not been better for both of us. Insomnia, depression and demotivation for 4 months is in no way better for either of us. 

I feel like I've been paused emotionally this whole time. I don't want anyone else and I just can't see the unfixable reason for which we can't be together anymore. I do still love her and as far I can tell she still loves me, I could be wrong I suppose but she doesn't hate me definitely. I also feel like she is throwing me back and forth on her own courtyard; she wants me, she doesn't want me etc. She says stuff like "I love you romantically but I don't want to be with you"

Right, the back & forth IS damaging and you're choosing to allow it. 😕 

4 Months.. Way too long to be strung along & suffering! 

Look at what she said... she loves you but doesn't want to be with you, meaning she is not interested in you that way anymore, sorry.

Is now time YOU work on accepting all of this and back away totally.  Expect no more and yes, go No Contact, so you can work on healing yourself & moving on with your life.

As mentioned above, 'breadcrumbs'.  Little nothings and yeah it hurts 😕 .

Be strong, expect no more.  Do no more.  Respect yourself enough to walk away now.  Leave it all alone.

Here, I just saw this... anything relate to your situation?

https://www.relrules.com/5-signs-your-relationship-isnt-worth-saving-anymore/?fbclid=IwAR08SRajKT2wEV0hmzjYnSlk5RwJ49DX-2F19A3joLzCOR5839e1lVO8Prc

Edited by SooSad33
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This is obviously something to do with her not you.  The best thing you can do for yourself and possibly for you both as a couple is to go total NC.

 What ever she is doing or thinking she is uncertain of and is using you as a safety net.  She pushed you away and then is lonely and sad so she pulls you back and feel confident again that you aren't going anywhere so she pushes you away again. This is no way to live so you need to be strong and stick to NC.

  Perhaps in 4-6 months you can contact her when you are strong and feeling better and ask her straight out what her deal is.  Closure is not vital to healing but it does help.

  What ever her reasons are they are hers to own and there is nothing you can do to change that.  Focus on the things you can control and let go of what you cannot.  It will bring you peace a lot faster.

I am sorry as I know it sucks when everything seems to be going so well and then the person you love so much pulls this crap.

  Protect your heart and stay NC.

 Lost 

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It sounds like she does have reasons for the break up but you didn’t mention it in your post or glossed over it. What reasons did she say or what family trauma exactly was she referring to? 

Wanting to go slow, spotty communication, breadcrumbs, hot/cold, all suggest that she has been pulling away for quite awhile. Breaking up isn’t easy to do and can move in stages. 

Your only work now is to not ignore what she’s said about the issues in the relationship or dismiss the fact that she did break up with you. If you can’t sense that she’s genuine, it’s your turn now to decide whether you’d like to stay.

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I'd stop playing. If she were to contact me again, I'd tell her, "I adore you, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You can go figure yourself out, and if you ever decide that you want to be 'all in' for a committed relationship with me, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

This leaves your door open a crack even while it liberates you to grieve, heal, move forward and pursue your best life possible even though you're unable to envision that right now.

Don't position yourself as her comfort blanket while she moves away from you. That's the worst place to be, as it keeps setting you up for additional breakups you don't deserve.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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5 hours ago, dontdoanythingpermanent said:

 she ended it for a bunch of reasons against me she never properly brought to me and a bunch of hypotheticals about our future 

Sorry this happened. What was the reason for the breakup? It seems she's been unhappy for quite some time and that you had different views on goals and the future.

Basically you seem incompatible and hanging around as friends or FWB seems to be dragging it out and prolonging your despair.

You seem quite unclear about what exactly her reasons were for ending it.

Make a clean break. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

After 2 years people either get along or they don't. You know each other by now, but seem to have long lists of changes you both wanted in each other.

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Relationships can just run their course and end without any disputes. And sometime people change/want change, and grow apart/lose feelings. She fell out of love and that happens...it's normal. She misses the company/companionship of the relationship, that's why she offered friendship...pretty much to ease herself off of the attachment. You need to accept this is definitely over, let go/move on. 

When they give you a bunch of reasons, it's their way of saying I want this to be over. 

Edited by smackie9
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