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Ex wants to take things slow but I am afraid I will f*** up


Confusedinlovenow
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13 hours ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

 he just told me he isnt sure if he is ready to commit again . He also told me he doesnt want me to misunderstand him he isnt just sure if he is ready to go through all of it again. 

He's very sincere. He pities you because of your issues. However he also doesn't want to be used and hurt by you again.

You're not "filling a gap", he's simply accommodating you but wisely not taking any more risks on someone who tossed him like trash when she announced she's leaving the country.

He has the self respect to protect himself from your flakiness as well as being crystal clear that he's not making any promises.

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I think Jibralta gave very good advice as to how to proceed.

I would also try to keep things simple internally and avoid telling yourself psychobabble stuff like "process" or detach.  You used to play nicely in the sandbox together.  Then you took the toys you promised he could have and walked away with them.  Then you changed your mind. Now he's not sure if he wants any more playdates with you.  It really is that simple.  It's not easy but you overcomplicate it if you tell yourself or try to see this as needing deep psychological analysis. If you need to analyze this later I'd do that with a counselor.

I'm sorry this is hard for you.

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think Jibralta gave very good advice as to how to proceed.

I would also try to keep things simple internally and avoid telling yourself psychobabble stuff like "process" or detach.  You used to play nicely in the sandbox together.  Then you took the toys you promised he could have and walked away with them.  Then you changed your mind. Now he's not sure if he wants any more playdates with you.  It really is that simple.  It's not easy but you overcomplicate it if you tell yourself or try to see this as needing deep psychological analysis. If you need to analyze this later I'd do that with a counselor.

I'm sorry this is hard for you.

I dont think I am overcomplicating this by thinking that why is the reason he wants to stay with me, I am just thinking about his motives sometimes and if I should let myself spend time with him.

When we were talking about this yesterday and how we feel he was very emotional when he said he is not sure if he wants to commit again and I saw him crying, it just makes me think should I really just give him the time he needs to figure if being with him feels right and he wants to commit again.

At the same time i dont know how to make it clear to him that I am not here to accommodate him and just spend time when he wants, should I give tough love like he is giving me. Or should I be kind and go along if things start to look serious. My mind is in internal battle.

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Personally?

I would say no more get-togethers. No more hanging out. 

It's not fair and not reasonable when he's feeling so wishy-washy. If he decides he would like to date you again, he can let you know. But given that he already knows what dating you is like, he doesn't need all this extra companionship from you to decide. 

 

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Think about how agonized you feel right now. Then realize that's how agonized he felt when you dumped him and announced you were leaving the country.

Do you understand this? Can you understand why he's not in a hurry to get back into a relationship with someone who dumped him for something he didn't even do?

I would step away 100%. He can't think straight (and neither can you) when you're in his face all the time. You can ask him to give the both of you space to think about what you really want.

Edited by boltnrun
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4 hours ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I am just thinking about his motives sometimes and if I should let myself spend time with him.

When we were talking about this yesterday and how we feel he was very emotional when he said he is not sure if he wants to commit again and I saw him crying, it just makes me think should I really just give him the time he needs to figure if being with him feels right and he wants to commit again.

At the same time i dont know how to make it clear to him that I am not here to accommodate him and just spend time when he wants, should I give tough love like he is giving me. Or should I be kind and go along if things start to look serious. My mind is in internal battle.

If he's crying over whether he wants to commit to you or not, you should take it as a "no." This shouldn't be a painful process for anyone. 

There is only one way to make it clear to someone that you are not here to accommodate them whenever they want: Stop accommodating them whenever they want.

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Tough love? No.  Common sense.  Take the crying and don't know = No.  Take it as a No.  Common sense:  people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If he wanted to be with you and give you another chance he would be with you right now.

Because if you want to be with someone (and you don't want to risk that person being snapped up by someone else) you want it to start right now.  You want that other person to know clearly "right now".  That's why you're overcomplicating it -you're reading tea leaves and coming up with all these mumbo jumbo magic potions like "tough love" and saying it's an "internal battle" and trying to blame him for feeling unsure.  

Stop fighting -you're the only one fighting for this.  Don't know means no.  I'm sorry.

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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Tough love? No.  Common sense.  Take the crying and don't know = No.  Take it as a No.  Common sense:  people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If he wanted to be with you and give you another chance he would be with you right now.

Because if you want to be with someone (and you don't want to risk that person being snapped up by someone else) you want it to start right now.  You want that other person to know clearly "right now".  That's why you're overcomplicating it -you're reading tea leaves and coming up with all these mumbo jumbo magic potions like "tough love" and saying it's an "internal battle" and trying to blame him for feeling unsure.  

Stop fighting -you're the only one fighting for this.  Don't know means no.  I'm sorry.

Okay so we meet up today and we spoke and he said he isnt ready for a relationship so basically he broke up with me. I said i understand his decision but I wanted just something to be decided.

I feel honestly just empty at this point no tears whatsoever, I know this is the right thing to do now.. He felt very disoriented the whole time so I maybe pushed the decision from him. I dont know if i feel relieved or just very lost, tomorrow I feel it the most I believe and i will feel the pain.

i was prepared for this in a way. So not sure if i should stay on my own for a bit or should i start filling my life with new things and new people..

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I vote for filling your life.

Sitting around by yourself, you'd be tempted to reach out to him to relieve your pain and loneliness. But you can't do that.

I commend him for being honest with you. Yes, it hurts. Of course it does. No way around that. 

Spend time with friends, reach out to family and keep busy. It's the best way.

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Ok. Well, now at least you have a decision (thankfully). No doubt that's going to sting for a little a while, but it really does beat languishing in limbo for an indeterminate amount of time. I promise this pain is only temporary.

As to whether you should stay alone or start filling your life up: see what feels good to you. Try one, try the other. Switch back and forth, do a little of both. Take your time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

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On 1/12/2022 at 6:10 AM, Confusedinlovenow said:

I am just so afraid what will happen, if one day he just tells me this isnt going to work.

Well, it's the same uncertainty that BF had to eat, and he may not be able to un-eat it according to your timetable. He learned by having the rug pulled out from under him that he can't make another person his 'everything,' and so you can't expect him to go back to that state.

None of this makes either of you a villain, but you'll need to drop your expectations that starting over must be on your terms.

Focus on building the career and social life you want for yourself, and allow both of you to start something NEW with one another over t.i.m.e. 

 

 

PS: I'd missed the part about the breakup, and I'm sorry.

Edited by catfeeder
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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Well, it's the same uncertainty that BF had to eat, and he may not be able to un-eat it according to your timetable. He learned by having the rug pulled out from under him that he can't make another person his 'everything,' and so you can't expect him to go back to that state.

None of this makes either of you a villain, but you'll need to drop your expectations that starting over must be on your terms.

Focus on building the career and social life you want for yourself, and allow both of you to start something NEW with one another over t.i.m.e. 

 

 

PS: I'd missed the part about the breakup, and I'm sorry.

 

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Ok. Well, now at least you have a decision (thankfully). No doubt that's going to sting for a little a while, but it really does beat languishing in limbo for an indeterminate amount of time. I promise this pain is only temporary.

As to whether you should stay alone or start filling your life up: see what feels good to you. Try one, try the other. Switch back and forth, do a little of both. Take your time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Hey,

He ended up staying the night at my place and we talked and had sex. We said its best not to stay in contact and he told me if there is anything you need tell me if i need help with the moving or anything. He was very upset and crying because he had to make the decision, I just felt a lump in my heart the whole time. He just said he doesnt feel like he used to feel, he already made his decision and wasnt ready to meet after all this. He was missing me and thought it was the right thing to do to start trying again. He said he wants me to be happy and that I will survive this, it was really heartbreaking to hear it.

Maybe we shouldnt have spent the night together but alteast we talked and said to end things in good terms. 

After we said our goodbyes and he left I texted him telling that I expected this to happen and that im OK with it. If he wants to as friends by time thats ok if we will see each other somewhere. I deleted all of our conversations and i dont feel the need to text him anymore or even see him. I felt a bit bad when i saw him yesterday, it felt wrong in a way. So i know this was the best thing to do

at the moment i feel just empty, i have no tears no nothing, just a bad feeling in my heart. I hope this isnt the start of the depression I will go through but that i already went through the worst over the past months..

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I think you chose to remain attached by having sex with him so this is the downside but remind yourself you enjoyed it and it was your choice.  Running into him somewhere doesn't make him a friend -if you bump into him be cordial.  Then go your separate ways. I'm sorry you're hurting and you're seeing the impact of your choices and decisions including your decision to spend the night with him.  

Please don't reach out to him for help with ""moving" -throw money at the problem of moving. Pay people or ask friends for favors and reciprocate. Tell yourself you will not let yourself make excuses for reaching out to him.  I hope you feel better.

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On 1/15/2022 at 1:51 PM, Batya33 said:

I think you chose to remain attached by having sex with him so this is the downside but remind yourself you enjoyed it and it was your choice.  Running into him somewhere doesn't make him a friend -if you bump into him be cordial.  Then go your separate ways. I'm sorry you're hurting and you're seeing the impact of your choices and decisions including your decision to spend the night with him.  

Please don't reach out to him for help with ""moving" -throw money at the problem of moving. Pay people or ask friends for favors and reciprocate. Tell yourself you will not let yourself make excuses for reaching out to him.  I hope you feel better.

I know it was the right thing to do, I am just feeling now the most. Never felt an anxiety and loneliness like this in my life, its really hard to cope and move on.

My future seems to dark now really and im trying to get help, went to a doctor today and got a referral to a mental health clinic. I think a lot of other things triggered with this breakup, I was too dependant on this man and I grew social anxiety at the same time while we were together. Covid was a big influence as well to develop this anxiety, but I feel everything comes out now and I am starting to reflect on things.

My first therapy is on Tuesday and I am really looking forward, mornings are the worst really I feel like in a black hole. I thought the worst was over in the past months, but lets see.

I dont miss him yet but I am afraid of things now and going out really if I see anything related to him or our memories..

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On 1/15/2022 at 3:31 AM, catfeeder said:

Well, it's the same uncertainty that BF had to eat, and he may not be able to un-eat it according to your timetable. He learned by having the rug pulled out from under him that he can't make another person his 'everything,' and so you can't expect him to go back to that state.

None of this makes either of you a villain, but you'll need to drop your expectations that starting over must be on your terms.

Focus on building the career and social life you want for yourself, and allow both of you to start something NEW with one another over t.i.m.e. 

 

 

PS: I'd missed the part about the breakup, and I'm sorry.

Hey, you are very right about everything.

I am trying to start my life new again and on my own terms, however I have a weird anxiety over going to places im afraid to running into him, in HIS country where he knows the places and a lot of people. I feel he ruined the country for me, I dont want to think it in that way, I dont want to "lose" the breakup to him in a way. I feel somewhat guilty im still here in a way, its a small place and I think im on his way here, I dont know why its hard to explain. It feels wrong starting to enjoy the things I used to do with him.

I think he has his life figured out here with his hobbies, family and his network, he is stable in his own country. I just feel like a lost expat who was in his life for 1,5 years and I created such an attachment to his family and friends and all the traditions in the country. I dont know how can I get rid of this feeling, I know he wants me to enjoy my life here and me not feeling anything bad.

I cant stop thinking about if I run into him somewhere or I find out he is with a new partner or a hookup or any female person really. I think thats my worst fear and i have a feeling he is already ready to do it again now. We had some issues in the past of him talking with other girls everytime something started to go downhill with us, all of these things are coming back to me and its hard time trying to reflect on them.

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38 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I am afraid of things now and going out really if I see anything related to him or our memories.

Well, I can tell you right now that it's going to be rough for a little while. Things are going to jump out and remind you of him, of your relationship, of the fact that it's now over, and that he may be moving on.

It will happen a lot, and then it will happen less. And then before you know it, it will stop happening altogether. You will heal, and you will move on. 

7 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

We had some issues in the past of him talking with other girls everytime something started to go downhill with us

If that was the case then he wasn't a very good partner. I know that doesn't take away the feeling of loss, but call a spade a spade!

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2 hours ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

Hey, you are very right about everything.

I am trying to start my life new again and on my own terms, however I have a weird anxiety over going to places im afraid to running into him, in HIS country where he knows the places and a lot of people. I feel he ruined the country for me, I dont want to think it in that way, I dont want to "lose" the breakup to him in a way. I feel somewhat guilty im still here in a way, its a small place and I think im on his way here, I dont know why its hard to explain. It feels wrong starting to enjoy the things I used to do with him.

I think he has his life figured out here with his hobbies, family and his network, he is stable in his own country. I just feel like a lost expat who was in his life for 1,5 years and I created such an attachment to his family and friends and all the traditions in the country. I dont know how can I get rid of this feeling, I know he wants me to enjoy my life here and me not feeling anything bad.

I cant stop thinking about if I run into him somewhere or I find out he is with a new partner or a hookup or any female person really. I think thats my worst fear and i have a feeling he is already ready to do it again now. We had some issues in the past of him talking with other girls everytime something started to go downhill with us, all of these things are coming back to me and its hard time trying to reflect on them.

When people from the same school break up, they must cross paths on the same campus. When coworkers break up, they must navigate their job around an ex. When people from the same city break up, they learn how to navigate the city on their own.

The guy doesn't own where you live, and he doesn't begrudge you happiness there.

Be careful how you frame things and wind your own mind. You can make your healing easier or more difficult, depending on the stories you opt to tell yourself.

Operate like your own private coach rather than your enemy. Be kind to yourself, build yourself UP, teach yourself confidence in your resilience, and make yourself proud.

This doesn't mean you won't have some bad days, but those are not set-backs, just part of the healing process. Nothing can take your progress away. 

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15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

When people from the same school break up, they must cross paths on the same campus. When coworkers break up, they must navigate their job around an ex. When people from the same city break up, they learn how to navigate the city on their own.

The guy doesn't own where you live, and he doesn't begrudge you happiness there.

Be careful how you frame things and wind your own mind. You can make your healing easier or more difficult, depending on the stories you opt to tell yourself.

Operate like your own private coach rather than your enemy. Be kind to yourself, build yourself UP, teach yourself confidence in your resilience, and make yourself proud.

This doesn't mean you won't have some bad days, but those are not set-backs, just part of the healing process. Nothing can take your progress away. 

Thank you your words make me feel a bit better.

He texted me yesterday, only a link to a rental place that he recommends and I said thank you.

Then in the morning he started to ask if i want some stuff that belongs to me and something that he has at my place. I said to keep them I dont have use for them, but thank you.
He seemed a bit upset maybe and said because "i got them to you as a present i thought you would like them back". We exchanged some words and said we can speak later when we are both over this completely. We never wanted to end things in bad terms and I said to him i really meant it by saying we can talk after we are in a better place.

I dont know was this a wrong move, but I dont really want anything to do with him now, but I still care about him. 
It was a small setback to me getting these texts from him.

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You did the right thing.

He's trying to ease his guilt with these texts so he can tell himself you're doing just fine, or perhaps he wants an ego stroke, wanting to believe you're falling apart without him. Whatever the reasons are, they aren't for your benefit. 

Having the person who hurt you constantly contacting you will just make things harder.

It's OK to take care of yourself. 

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16 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I dont know was this a wrong move, but I dont really want anything to do with him now, but I still care about him. 

I don't think it was the wrong move at all. You stood up for yourself, and asked for what you need at this point in time. Good job. 

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You did the right thing.

He's trying to ease his guilt with these texts so he can tell himself you're doing just fine, or perhaps he wants an ego stroke, wanting to believe you're falling apart without him. Whatever the reasons are, they aren't for your benefit. 

Having the person who hurt you constantly contacting you will just make things harder.

It's OK to take care of yourself. 

Yeah he wanted to check up on me for sure, he said not to worry about him but to focus on myself now.

My parents are planning to come visit me next week hopefully, im starting therapy tomorrow and im on antidepressants now. After 2 months i finally feel even a bit ok.

Only one thing really puts me in a bad place which is that one of good friends started dating my exes best friend while we where going through the breakup..

It makes me feel very uncomfortable because i know she will be joining my ex's friendgroup now and even seeing my ex from time to time.  

I said it to her as well, idk if i should cut contact with her until i feel better or is it just rude

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20 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

Yeah he wanted to check up on me for sure, he said not to worry about him but to focus on myself now.

My parents are planning to come visit me next week hopefully, im starting therapy tomorrow and im on antidepressants now. After 2 months i finally feel even a bit ok.

Only one thing really puts me in a bad place which is that one of good friends started dating my exes best friend while we where going through the breakup..

It makes me feel very uncomfortable because i know she will be joining my ex's friendgroup now and even seeing my ex from time to time.  

I said it to her as well, idk if i should cut contact with her until i feel better or is it just rude

You can just ask her not to tell you anything about your ex and to not tell him anything about you.

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