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Ex wants to take things slow but I am afraid I will f*** up


Confusedinlovenow
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9 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

When I told him about 4 months ago that I am leaving we discussed all of our fears and emotions together, we cried together for days and weeks 

You're creating your own anxiety with your indecisiveness.

You told him you're leaving, checked out and not committed. No one would stick around for that.

Now you've changed your mind yet again and want him back.

You seem to only want what you can't have. When you had him you tossed him like trash. He's just being wise guarding his heart against your flip-flopping.

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He was not happy about you not leaving because he already planned to leave you. And to get it with other girls. Once you changed your mind, it confused him because, well, didnt plan you to be in the picture. And to already be with some other girl. He feels calm and collected because he is. Because in his mind he already got over you.

I am sorry OP, but I think you should prepare for worst. Meaning, just breaking up if he doesnt want a relationship and find somebody who does. Because if he is no ready to resume the relationship now, I dont think giving him time will help. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're creating your own anxiety with your indecisiveness.

You told him you're leaving, checked out and not committed. No one would stick around for that.

Now you've changed your mind yet again and want him back.

You seem to only want what you can't have. When you had him you tossed him like trash. He's just being wise guarding his heart against your flip-flopping.

When I said I was thinking about leaving I was thinking about my own mental health and he told me many times he doesnt want me to stay in the country because of him, he respected my decision in every turn and I appreciate that so much in him.

He said he understood how I was feeling at that time and supporting me, but he didnt want me to be unhappy. I didnt know how to make things work at that time, now I do and I need to live with the fact he lost his faith in me. I know it will be very hard for him to swap things in his head again and to understand im here to stay.

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3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

He was not happy about you not leaving because he already planned to leave you. And to get it with other girls. Once you changed your mind, it confused him because, well, didnt plan you to be in the picture. And to already be with some other girl. He feels calm and collected because he is. Because in his mind he already got over you.

I am sorry OP, but I think you should prepare for worst. Meaning, just breaking up if he doesnt want a relationship and find somebody who does. Because if he is no ready to resume the relationship now, I dont think giving him time will help. 

We already spoke a lot of how much we both want to try, I dont want to have a conversation again that this wont work. How can i do it now that we are both trying to be in each others lives again?

He told me to speak to me if anything feels wrong and he will do the same.. I dont think he can just make up his mind now about being in a relationship with me, I cant pressure him to make a decision now, it will just show how unpatient I am with him.

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5 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

He told me to speak to me if anything feels wrong and he will do the same.. I dont think he can just make up his mind now about being in a relationship with me, I cant pressure him to make a decision now, it will just show how unpatient I am with him.

I am not saying to pressure him into anything. Just saying that I dont think time will help with this situation. Because he is already detached. He stayed with you until you left(or at least wanted to) and now he is just in a limbo where he is neither way. I dont really think there is some kind of miracle recovery from that.

Also, so what if it doesnt work out? People get into marriages after years of dating and then get divorced. You will survive 1,5 years relationship break up if it happens, so will he. What I am trying to ask is, why so much focus on basically forcing it to work at any cost? If it works out, fine. If it doesnt, you will be fine. Always remember that and go with that attitude.

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56 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

Hey I am not so sure about that, I think he really does love me still and cares for me.

He probably feels affection for you, but he is not devoted to you. If he valued being in a relationship with you, he would lock it down. He wouldn't risk losing you. But he's not doing that. He's doing what he wants to do, on his terms. He is letting you dangle around in suspense. That is not a very loving or caring thing to do.

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2 hours ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

dont know should I bring it up to him that I am feeling very bad about being this unsure or would that be a bad idea to let him know how much bad anxiety this situation gives me? The only thing that makes me feel a bit better is that we agreed in case someone to starts feeling bad in the relationship we will talk about it together and discuss it. But I dont know if me being anxious in this situation is one of the topics that I could talk to him about?

No it's not because you created the situation - so subjecting him to your anxiety is unfair and self absorbed.  You can tell him without manipulative language "I'm feeling too anxious to see you right now - let's not be in contact for now and if you decide you are totally into getting back together let's talk then and see where we are."  You do not tell him he is the source -he's not actually.  You're feeling anxious because once you changed your mind back he was not on the same wavelength with you. 

Also talking about feeling bad to each other has to do when you're committed to each other.  Right now you are not because he's not sure he wants to be committed to someone who might change their mind again as you did or not keep promises about really important stuff.  You discuss with your partner when you are feeling bad about the relationship when both of you already are in and want to be in the relationship. 

Right now he's got one foot out the door just as you did before you changed your mind.  If you tell him you're feeling badly it shouldn't be for him to "help" you but for you to tell him you've made the decision to take space because you can't handle being in limbo.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

No it's not because you created the situation - so subjecting him to your anxiety is unfair and self absorbed.  You can tell him without manipulative language "I'm feeling too anxious to see you right now - let's not be in contact for now and if you decide you are totally into getting back together let's talk then and see where we are."  You do not tell him he is the source -he's not actually.  You're feeling anxious because once you changed your mind back he was not on the same wavelength with you. 

Also talking about feeling bad to each other has to do when you're committed to each other.  Right now you are not because he's not sure he wants to be committed to someone who might change their mind again as you did or not keep promises about really important stuff.  You discuss with your partner when you are feeling bad about the relationship when both of you already are in and want to be in the relationship. 

Right now he's got one foot out the door just as you did before you changed your mind.  If you tell him you're feeling badly it shouldn't be for him to "help" you but for you to tell him you've made the decision to take space because you can't handle being in limbo.

Yeah thats a good advice, I will see how things will go this weekend when I see him and if he will start making more initiatives after to actually see me. Maybe the fact that he has had time now to meet up and he hasnt actually tried to ask me out makes me the most confused..

Also couple of days ago we were discussing about going abroad together for a weekend in February and he was already checking flights and stuff, he said he will check better this weekend maybe regarding that. I dont know if its smart for me to agree to go with him and book flights and accommodation.. I already said I would like to go, but I dont know if its smart if he is still feeling unsure about me 

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I think you're fooling yourself that you love him as you assume you do. After an entire 1 and a half years together, if you were really in love, any discussions would have been about joint decisions of where to live, only if that could be done together.

When you became happy again, you list the work environment, and friendships being satisfactory once more. Nowhere do you list anything about him. 

If you'd really been in love with him, you would have looked at work and friends and doing everything possible to right those things in order to remain in that country with your man.

I think you merely were used to being part of a couple and the feeling was so strange to go back to being solo, that you convinced yourself he was the love of your life.

IMO, when one person breaks up without there being a dealbreaker, they don't care enough. I'd give him the advice that recent past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You dumped him once so easily, and you will likely do it again when outside stressors overwhelm you.

If you insist on giving this a go, over several months see if there is progression. If not, throw in the towel.

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24 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I think you're fooling yourself that you love him as you assume you do. After an entire 1 and a half years together, if you were really in love, any discussions would have been about joint decisions of where to live, only if that could be done together.

When you became happy again, you list the work environment, and friendships being satisfactory once more. Nowhere do you list anything about him. 

If you'd really been in love with him, you would have looked at work and friends and doing everything possible to right those things in order to remain in that country with your man.

I think you merely were used to being part of a couple and the feeling was so strange to go back to being solo, that you convinced yourself he was the love of your life.

IMO, when one person breaks up without there being a dealbreaker, they don't care enough. I'd give him the advice that recent past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You dumped him once so easily, and you will likely do it again when outside stressors overwhelm you.

If you insist on giving this a go, over several months see if there is progression. If not, throw in the towel.

Hey, well I didnt list him in the factors that actually made me happy because it was obvious to me, he still made me happy and I still loved him like I did before.

It broke my heart to pieces to even say that I am thinking about leaving, I was not seeing any hope at that point of my life and I thought I needed to do something radical to feel better. These things that made me happy were already in front of me I just didnt understand that.

I am however not sure if my mind can handle to see where things go, but the reason why I am seeing where things go is because I still love him and see a future with him. I also said all these things to him but of course words not matter in our case, only actions... 

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I think you need to understand that once you break up with someone, especially when it's not for something they did, it's extremely difficult to regain their trust. If it were me I would be asking myself what would stop you from dumping me again if you start feeling stressed or anxious? He didn't cause those things, yet he was the one who paid the price. He was almost your scapegoat, or collateral damage, so to speak, because you didn't choose to deal with your stress and anxiety in a better way.

Once something is broken it takes a long time for it to recover. There is an emotional scar that stays visible to him, even if you choose to ignore it.

I personally would walk away and allow him to decide on his own if he wants to try again. No distractions from you.

And BTW, I believe you said you were frequently asking him for reassurance that you two were "together" during the relationship. What's up with that? You need to deal with whatever was causing you to be so insecure.

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29 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I was not seeing any hope at that point of my life and I thought I needed to do something radical to feel better. These things that made me happy were already in front of me I just didnt understand that.

I am however not sure if my mind can handle to see where things go

Yet you kept him on edge with your "I'm going home" drama for a long time. He was supportive, cared about you and you simply dismissed it  because you were homesick.

Now you can't handle uncertainty, but you inflicted it on him. His friends and family may be advising him to distance himself because of your indecisiveness and drama.

He may be trying, but he is rightfully taking a wait and see approach because you may change your mind again. Unfortunately you created this situation by being unreliable and unstable.

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1 hour ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

It broke my heart to pieces to even say that I am thinking about leaving, I was not seeing any hope at that point of my life and I thought I needed to do something radical to feel better. These things that made me happy were already in front of me I just didnt understand that.

This doesn't really make sense in the context of "but I love him."  This is all about you.  Your feelings, your desires, your "need to do something radical" - but your something radical was to break a really important commitment and promise you made to him.  It's not about "I didn't understand that." 

You didn't want to "understand" because he wasn't important enough to you despite the "but I love him."  If he were you wouldn't need to "understand" because you wouldn't have made this unliateral decision that affected him so significantly.  There's nothing to "understand" when it comes to making really important decisions that affect your partner because it's like a reflex - you think about the impact on the couple because it's the definition of loving your partner and being committed to your partner. 

It's also not about "what makes me happy" - that's part of it but only part -it's "what would make me happy and what choices do I have given my partner and what makes him happy."  

Your mindset -what you wrote above- is why he's apprehensive about getting back together.  The level of responsibility and accountability and thinking of your partner only gets more intense if you get married or like married -or if you have a child, or a pet, or elderly parents to care for. 

I've made countless big and small sacrifices for my partner and our child over the last 16 years.  I didn't focus on "what would make me happy" - it was family peace, my partner -and yes -me too - but sometimes I settle for "I can deal with this, next time maybe it will be my turn".  Yes to self-care -but that's a broad definition - it doesn't mean I get to be "happy" all the time and it does mean I've had to adjust my meaning of 'happy" and my expectations.  It's a huge part of my life as a married mom. 

And even before we were married and I promised to relocate for him -for his career- - from the city I'd lived in for 43 years straight.  It would never have occurred to me to flip the switch and say blithely "oh I was at the end of my rope and I knew I had to do something radical to make myself feel better.  Now I know I was wrong and I'll relocate".  Committing to that was basically as important to committing to marriage and to starting a family.  

 

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23 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think this is your subtle warning that he doesn't see this working out in the end. 

Hey yeah I think thats where its going, still not sure why does he want to keep meeting me.

We were facetiming today and spoke about not meeting so often and he just told me he isnt sure if he is ready to commit again and he knows i expect more time with him. He also told me he doesnt want me to misunderstand him he isnt just sure if he is ready to go through all of it again. I just said yeah im willing to give time but in the end I want to be with someone who wants a relationship.  
He said he was thinking to meet tomorrow and I am feeling like should i keep up with this if he is actually so unsure about EVERYTHING. Is this worth it i dont know

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12 minutes ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I think thats where its going, still not sure why does he want to keep meeting me.

A lot of people fill the gaps with a willing participant (you, in this case) until they meet someone they're crazy about and want to pursue. 

I don't mean any disrespect to you, but it's quite clear reading your posts that you're now the gap-filler for him. He'll have fun with you and sleep with you for now, but doesn't want to commit you because he's on the lookout for other opportunities if they arise. 

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He might also still be hurt and angry, not to mention distrustful of you. You basically dumped him because life got tough. He probably thinks you'd do it again.

I wouldn't continue on with trying to keep an attachment to him. He isn't seeing the situation the same way you do.

I would take it as a life lesson. Don't breakup with someone and then try to "take it back". As you seen, this creates distrust. If you do breakup you must view it as permanent.

 

 

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12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A lot of people fill the gaps with a willing participant (you, in this case) until they meet someone they're crazy about and want to pursue. 

I don't mean any disrespect to you, but it's quite clear reading your posts that you're now the gap-filler for him. He'll have fun with you and sleep with you for now, but doesn't want to commit you because he's on the lookout for other opportunities if they arise. 

Yeah thats what I thought as well, however I will keep meeting him and see where things go. I will not sleep with him for now until I get to know a bit better how he is feeling.

I will keep this post updated, im curious to see if im actually just wasting my time or he is sincere.

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10 hours ago, Confusedinlovenow said:

I will not sleep with him for now until I get to know a bit better how he is feeling.

I would not be going on vacations with him either, OP. 

It is a recipe for a lot heartbreak when you realize it's not a sign of commitment but a way to have some no-strings fun with someone whose company he still enjoys. 

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He is sincere.  He's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship with you.  You are probably wasting your time by seeing him while he "decides".

Yeah i think so as well, he isnt ready to let me go yet but I can never know if his mind will change. Thats the worst part in all of this.

also something he told me before got me a bit alarmed - he told me he feels responsible for me and that he doesnt want to see me hurt because i dont have my family here. Like he wants to help me out but i think because of the feeling of responsibility rather than love. I will not accept any of his help from now on really now that I know this.

I will try process my way to detach from him even I know it will be hard, and we spoke a bit more yesterday that If we see things are not progressing anywhere then its time to walk out, time will tell. He said ’yes agree lets see’. I will try to be strict with him and not let him get under my skin anymore.

Its been a rough morning today but i have my support to get through this and I know i will survive it whatever will happen.

regarding the vacation i will talk to him about it if he brings it up again if its smart to go now that we are not even a couple. And going together would be something that committed people do, we did it before however last year after i told i will leave. Maybe thats why it sounds like a good idea to him because we had fun

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I think you are doing the right thing. I also think that it would be best for you to decline going on the trip. Don't wait for him to weigh in. Make the decision for yourself.

I know it's sad to let go and move on, and that it's very difficult. Lean on your support system. You will get through this and come out ok on the other side.

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I think you are doing the right thing. I also think that it would be best for you to decline going on the trip. Don't wait for him to weigh in. Make the decision for yourself.

I know it's sad to let go and move on, and that it's very difficult. Lean on your support system. You will get through this and come out ok on the other side.

I just dont know how to proceed,I think we are meeting today and tomorrow we already have something planned with his friends.

He texts me everyday which makes this very hard for me to try detach from him, I dont know what to say to him or should I just keep going like normal. Meeting him sometimes when he wants to - which sounds stupid now that I am hearing it but he wants things to go on his pace. I told him yesterday I dont want to ask him out because I want to hear it from him, and he said he knows that.

I dont really know how to handle this situation in reality now, should we have a talk that I cant do this or will I slowly just let him go.

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I think you probably have to start by modifying your behavior. Recognize that the relationship you want with him is not an option. Make a decision to put yourself first and disengage. Be deliberate about it. For example, cancel your plans to see him and his friends. Put his texts on mute and reply to them once a week. Whether you discuss this with him or not is up to you. But frankly, I think it's better if he is not a part of your decision to move forward. He is like an anchor dragging you back to a past that no longer exists.

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