I don't feel close to my family and feel a lot of resentment and I don't know how to deal with it.

[sunflowersunshine]

A little backstory:

I used to be really close to my mom but over the years we have clashed a lot more. My mom is unhappy and has been for a long time, but she feels trapped. I honestly feel like I have been her voice of reason for a long time and she has never really listened to me. She has said for years she wants to leave my dad but never has and this stems back as far as 15 years ago. She will complain to me about my dad constantly, but when I suggest she should leave him if that is what is going to make her truly happy, I can tell that she doesn't like the answer and it feels as though she never will. I am not sure if she just wants validation, but it is difficult after all these years when she tells me she feels so alone and feels like she doesn't have anybody, when I have listened to all these complaints. We also had a disagreement a few months ago about something and she accidentally sent me a text that was supposed to go to a friend complaining about me. She obviously sent it to me instead, but when I called her out on it she said she was going to tell me how she felt regardless and just brushed it off. In fact, whenever we have disagreed or clashed on something I have tried to talk to her about it but she sees me expressing how I feel about something as argumentative and everything gets turned into how she is going through a lot and can't deal with whatever we are talking about and it gets brushed under the rug and not spoken about again.

Then we have my dad. We have honestly never had a proper father daughter relationship. He has never shown any real interest in wanting to maintain a healthy, emotional connection with me whatsoever and spend any time with me. When I try and make conversation I can tell he isn't very interested and acts like me talking is an annoyance to him if the conversation goes on for too long for his liking. He also reacts quite strangely to things. When I am chatting to my mom he will interrupt and talk to her only and change the subject or my mom asks me something and he will answer the question for me. I have really struggled with him over the years because when I was a kid he would be out all evening drinking and would come home at 3am drunk and would wake me and my mom up by bashing things around downstairs, acting really aggressive, and bringing friends back to our house and playing loud music right below my room when I had school the next day. I remember one Father's Day when I wanted to take him to lunch with just the two of us and I could tell he just didn't want to go which really ruined the sentiment behind it for me, and he invited my mom without asking me. My mom even said to him it was rude that he would ask her to go when I had specifically asked to take him to lunch. Just to be clear, his rude aggression is not just towards me. He also speaks to my mom in a really bossy mean way at times and he is the same way with my aunt (his sister). It is like the simplest of conversations people start with him are greeted with an extreme hostile attitude when they may be asking him a simple question about something and there is absolutely no reason for it.

Unfortunately, due to the pandemic I had to give up my rental home and move back in with my parents. It was honestly the lowest point of my life. I am thankful I have a roof over my head, but having to give my independence up due to unforeseen circumstances was so heartbreaking to me as I am an extremely independent person and I like my own space. I also knew when I moved back I would be treated like I am 15 again because my parents don't treat me like an adult when I live with them. Whenever I am in their house it is a real challenge because I don't really feel close to either of them and I feel like we clash a lot. I think not only am I holding onto resentment from the past, but I don't feel as though they really care about my well being when it comes to my health. I have been dealing with chronic health issues for 8 years and not once have either of them asked how I am doing and what the latest is with my condition. Sometimes when I have brought it up they get irritated and say they don't want to talk about it or change the subject so I don't bring it up anymore and just internalize it which is hard, and I have so much going on in my life that I feel it is so much added stress and pressure to not only try and help and take on my mom's emotional support in regards to her relationship with my dad, but to also feel as though they don't make any effort with me and I am not greeted with the same kindness. It is hard to be the bigger person and brush so much under the rug when you feel like you are constantly being provoked but have to be the bigger person.

I have also tried to make life a lot easier for them by working my whole eating schedule around them. I asked them when they would eat lunch and dinner to ensure that I wasn't in their way when they cook and we came up with a plan that I would make my lunch at 12 and my dinner at 6 so I didn't get in their way. It wasn't the biggest deal in the world but it just sucks having to stick to such a structured schedule when I am so used to just eating whenever. I was also told I can't open any doors after 10pm as that is when they put their alarm on and no cooking after 8pm. Again, I know this is their house, but I am in my 30's and I just find it really challenging to abide by these rules that make me feel like I am 15. Also, regardless of me trying to make life easier and work around them my dad has consistently been cooking at 6pm even after the discussion. He has also moved things he knows are mine multiple times without telling me so come dinner time I am looking for them and cannot find them. I know a lot of this stuff sounds really trivial which it is, but I just feel no matter what I try and do to have a quiet life and make the best of the situation, it is always met by my dad trying to be purposely awkward and create an issue out of nothing. There are other little things also like the only real time my dad will message me is if he wants something or to complain about something. I might get a message saying it was rude that I came upstairs after I cooked without letting them know I was coming up here. I am in my 30's and I just find it bizarre that these sorts of things are even brought up and it feels like they try and create arguments from nothing.

I feel guilt as I have always thought family is the most important thing, but I think I have just come to terms with the fact that isn't my reality and even when I have tried I have just felt like nothing will change. My dad has also mentioned that in the summer my extended family will be visiting and everyone will be together. As harsh as this sounds, with how rude, controlling and absent my dad has been from making any real effort to form a relationship with me over the years, I don't want to come here in summer and be around him anymore if I don't have to be. My plan has been to move out this spring when I can afford to and as much as I hate to say it, I don't really want to spend a lot of time around my family anymore, but as they have let me stay here and they are my parents I feel so incredibly bad about it. I don't want it to be this way, but I just feel like they are set in their ways and it will never change.

So I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with a similar situation and felt like you're not close with your family and you are holding onto a lot of resentment but also feel the guilt of not feeling close to them? Maybe I will be in a better place with it once I move out and I am not feeling stressed living with it every day, but I feel so much guilt.

[Jibralta]

44 minutes ago, sunflowersunshine said:

has anyone dealt with a similar situation and felt like you're not close with your family

It interesting that you feel that you're not close to your family because when I read this, I thought "She is way too close with her parents!"

There are boundary issues left and right. I feel bad that you don't get along with your dad but I almost understand his position. Your mom has been complaining about him to you for 15 years, and you've been telling her to leave--I'm sure he is at least aware of this ongoing conversation between the two of you. I wonder if he feels you've been overstepping your bounds with his wife. 

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

[sunflowersunshine]

10 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It interesting that you feel that you're not close to your family because when I read this, I thought "She is way too close with her parents!"

There are boundary issues left and right. I feel bad that you don't get along with your dad but I almost understand his position. Your mom has been complaining about him to you for 15 years, and you've been telling her to leave--I'm sure he is at least aware of this ongoing conversation between the two of you. I wonder if he feels you've been overstepping your bounds with his wife. 

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

He has no idea she has confided in me about their marriage so that isn't the reason. I have told her many times that they should seek counseling as I am not a qualified professional but I think she feels comfortable talking to me about it because:

1. I know what he is like
2. He refuses to go to therapy with her

I think she just feels I am someone who knows the situation and someone she can talk to about it. Also, I have constantly been asked what I would do in her position and I was honest. He won't go to counseling and nothing else has worked. He has also been emotionally abusive to her and she is a shadow of her former self. With that much destruction, I would advise anyone to leave for their own mental health, especially when I have seen firsthand what hurt it has created. He doesn't think my mom would share information about their marriage with anyone, so I know for a fact he doesn't know.

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, sunflowersunshine said:

I am someone who knows the situation and someone she can talk to about it. Also, I have constantly been asked what I would do in her position and I was honest.

Yes, but do you realize that this is not a healthy parent-child relationship. She, as your mom, should not be involving you in decision making that is related to her marriage. That is an unfair thing for a parent to do to a child.

[sunflowersunshine]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, but do you realize that this is not a healthy parent-child relationship. She, as your mom, should not be involving you in decision making that is related to her marriage. That is an unfair thing for a parent to do to a child.

I do realize that which is part of the problem. It is unhealthy but I live here and it puts me in a predicament as I don't know what to say. My dad also hides my mothers things and pretends he hasn't seen the items and says I likely took them. None of it is normal. 

[Jibralta]

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

[sunflowersunshine]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Do you have any sisters or brothers?

An older sister but she lives abroad.

[Batya33]

I agree with Jibralta.  Their house their rules.  I also agree that your mom should not be confiding in you about her marriage. 

 Believe me - I live to eat and I like eating when I want to but -life gets in the way (meaning I have a child and a husband and we have one kitchen and differing schedules).  If you ever live with someone or marry or have a child that will be part of the reality most likely. 

 You've forgotten that you have a choice to move out.  I know these are really hard and unstable times but -can you work retail or at a restaurant? At least in my city they're begging for workers - can you find  a covid-safe person as a roommate?  It sounds like on balance this is a bad situation. 

I was not close with my father.  For good reasons.  But in my 30s I forgave him for a lot of what happened in the past.  We were never close but I respected, admired and loved him in my own way.  And no I did not feel guilty when he died 5 years ago.  When he was very sick -the last 6 months or so- I helped by helping with financial stuff, talking to lawyers, etc - because I knew I couldn't help in an emotional way.  So I felt like I was there for him/for my family despite not being "close". 

Yes it's hard to see Norman Rockwell families and wonder.  I dated someone in my late 20s and told him about the struggles with my father (I still lived at home) - he said "you know my friends - they don't have these problems -they have normal families" (and so did he).  I said - well maybe that's because your friends don't confide in you that much.  Point is we all have our skeletons.  Yes there are really close families of course - but don't go there with comparing -because many families have issues including issues as you describe.

I believe you'll find you have a closer relationship when you move back out.  

[Wiseman2]

Stay as busy as you can outside of the house. Work as many jobs as you can find to get back on your feet.

Search for affordable housing and roommates.

Stay out of your parents business. You're not their marriage counselor.

You're imposing on them and both you and they resent it.

It's your job to find a place, not micromanage their marriage or be a decisive force to disrupt their household.

[smackie9]

It's kinda hard not to focus on the dysfunction that's been going on for decades in that house. I get it, because I grew up in a dysfunctional household too...I'm 57 and my mom still treats me like I am 12 years old when I see her. It's frustrating as hell.

Whatever is going on with your parents, is to be no concern of yours. Your focus is to get out of there asap. To find work, try a temp agency. The hours are flexible and a way to land a job with a company you like to work for. Some will even pay you daily to get that cash in and start saving.

IMO just be blessed that you have a roof over your head, but be warned, you have over stayed your welcome.

[Rose Mosse]

21 hours ago, sunflowersunshine said:

I do realize that which is part of the problem. It is unhealthy but I live here and it puts me in a predicament as I don't know what to say. My dad also hides my mothers things and pretends he hasn't seen the items and says I likely took them. None of it is normal. 

Firmly but politely tell her you will not get involved. Usually the other person will immediately step back and realize that what they're saying is inappropriate in your company or does not involve you.

It works over a period of time as long as you consistently and firmly enforce those boundaries. If the other person pushes you or belittles you, end the conversation and excuse yourself.