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Online dating - why does nobody ask questions?


poorlittlefish
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I'm trying online dating again, after a gap of a few years. I receive a lot of messages, but the pattern is almost always this:

The guy makes some kind of introduction. I reply and pick a shared interest to ask a question about. The guy answers my question, but asks nothing back. I try and continue once or twice more, but get fed up with the conversation consisting solely of me asking. 

Is it now the normal thing to just talk about yourself and ask nothing about the person you got in touch with? I have a variety of hobbies/interests etc on my profile, so I don't understand why they contact me if they're not interested in knowing anything? 

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10 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

I'm trying online dating again, after a gap of a few years. I receive a lot of messages, but the pattern is almost always this:

The guy makes some kind of introduction. I reply and pick a shared interest to ask a question about. The guy answers my question, but asks nothing back. I try and continue once or twice more, but get fed up with the conversation consisting solely of me asking. 

Is it now the normal thing to just talk about yourself and ask nothing about the person you got in touch with? I have a variety of hobbies/interests etc on my profile, so I don't understand why they contact me if they're not interested in knowing anything? 

Don’t date online. Typing to a stranger isn’t a conversation. I would ask for a phone number and do a phone call where you do all of your safety and compatibility screening. See if he asks about you by phone. If he won’t do a phone call move on. Use dating sites to date in person not try to “date online “. And move on from men who ask nothing about you. 

Edited by Batya33
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One other member opened a thread for open discussion about it

Anyway, as Ive said there, lots of people now are there not to meet somebody. It has nothing to do with you, its just how it is. You could be most interesting person in the world and still get dry texts. 

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39 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

the pattern is almost always this:

The guy makes some kind of introduction. I reply and pick a shared interest to ask a question about.

Asking questions is not important. Simply make statements you wish to volunteer about yourself.

The main thing is after establishing an interest in meeting, set that up.

Some people think asking questions means interest, others loathe it as "interview-like", still others find asking questions nosy. 

I dislike nosy/probing questions or interview like questions.

So sentiments on it are not universal.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

 . . . now the normal thing to just talk about yourself and ask nothing about the person you got in touch with? I have a variety of hobbies/interests etc on my profile, so I don't understand why they contact me if they're not interested in knowing anything? 

My experience is (was) OLD is a lot less about finding someone to be interested in, and a lot more about finding someone to be interested in them.

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2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I'm trying online dating again, after a gap of a few years. I receive a lot of messages, but the pattern is almost always this:

The guy makes some kind of introduction. I reply and pick a shared interest to ask a question about. The guy answers my question, but asks nothing back. I try and continue once or twice more, but get fed up with the conversation consisting solely of me asking. 

Is it now the normal thing to just talk about yourself and ask nothing about the person you got in touch with? I have a variety of hobbies/interests etc on my profile, so I don't understand why they contact me if they're not interested in knowing anything? 

I’m on a site right now and I’ve done the same thing as you when I have sent the first message to a woman I’m interested in. Ask them a question about something they wrote on their profile to get the ball rolling. In my situation I don’t get anything back. It’s like a game of tennis where I hit the ball over and then they just catch the ball and walk off. Makes me feel like why did I bother?

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1 hour ago, beatlesfan77 said:

I’m on a site right now and I’ve done the same thing as you when I have sent the first message to a woman I’m interested in. Ask them a question about something they wrote on their profile to get the ball rolling. In my situation I don’t get anything back. It’s like a game of tennis where I hit the ball over and then they just catch the ball and walk off. Makes me feel like why did I bother?

What I used to do if I contacted first was write "I enjoyed reading your profile and it looks like we may have some things in common -if you're interested feel free to read mine and respond."  Then if he responded but didn't suggest a phone call I would respond "Thanks for responding -I much prefer phone calls to typing - I'd be happy to call if you send me your number".  Then if he responded we'd talk on the phone for around 20-30 minutes if it was going well. 

About whatever -but even if "whatever" I did my safety/stuff in common screening and considered whether this was a person I could have a 45 minute pleasant conversation with in person.  At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting I would.  Over 90% of the time by the end of that call one of us had suggested meeting.  The next call was to confirm the plan if needed.  Or, we met.  Usually within a week.  

I never met anyone without a phone call.  I learned so much -voice tone, conversational style, whether he had good manners (i.e. not playing scrabble while talking to me, or reading my profile and quoting it back to me, or ordering food while chatting to me).  Sometimes the couple of emails would be great and the phone call would be awful. 

Good luck!

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What I used to do if I contacted first was write "I enjoyed reading your profile and it looks like we may have some things in common -if you're interested feel free to read mine and respond."  Then if he responded but didn't suggest a phone call I would respond "Thanks for responding -I much prefer phone calls to typing - I'd be happy to call if you send me your number".  Then if he responded we'd talk on the phone for around 20-30 minutes if it was going well. 

About whatever -but even if "whatever" I did my safety/stuff in common screening and considered whether this was a person I could have a 45 minute pleasant conversation with in person.  At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting I would.  Over 90% of the time by the end of that call one of us had suggested meeting.  The next call was to confirm the plan if needed.  Or, we met.  Usually within a week.  

I never met anyone without a phone call.  I learned so much -voice tone, conversational style, whether he had good manners (i.e. not playing scrabble while talking to me, or reading my profile and quoting it back to me, or ordering food while chatting to me).  Sometimes the couple of emails would be great and the phone call would be awful. 

Good luck!

That’s some great stuff. Thanks for sharing. 

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I share this as a pet peeve. I think 3 questions and they’re out. 
 

It’s not just an amber flag that they have no curiosity about me as a person, it’s also that we can’t get into a conversational flow if every question I ask is a dead end topic. 
 

Agree with everyone else most people who don’t ask don’t care to know the answer. Side note, try hinge. I feel like it has the least amount of people just looking for sex/psychological validation on it. 

Edited by 1a1a
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I always ask a question at the end of my messages because it makes it easier for the woman to respond.  It doesn't matter if it is the first message or the 8th, I ask because I want to know more about them other than what they put in their profile if anything.

Questions are extremely important if you are serious about meeting someone that wants a real relationship and if you don't want to waste anyone's time.  Why meet for a drink just to find out they are totally wrong for you and you could have figured that out with a few questions and a phone call.

  If these guys aren't showing interest in who you are then why do you think they sent you a message?  That is the question you should be asking yourself. 

 If a guy is really interested in getting to know you he will make an effort and that doesn't matter if it is online or over coffee.  If the jerk sits down and just talks about himself and only sees your outer shell and could care less about whats inside then how long before you are looking for a way out?

  I have found in life the jerks are the most forward and the genuine people will take some looking for.

Hang in there and if these guys are that shallow simply don't respond.  They do what they do because is works on some women...

 Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I always ask a question at the end of my messages because it makes it easier for the woman to respond.

Yes-I liked the sort of ice breakers too and I agree it makes it seem more individual/personal - but my response typically would have been brief and suggesting a phone call "I prefer talking to typing to see if it makes sense for us to meet" -that way I screened out those who just wanted, um, chat buddies.

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My experiences with online has given me a bit of a pattern I follow.

  • Hi intro wait for a response
  • Initial questions
  • Banter
    • Decide if there's enough for a phone call
  • Call
    • More interest if there should be a meet up

Usually in the course of a week or so I aim for a coffee date type thing.

I think the biggest problem with OLD is the ratio of men to women, where most guys message 20+ women before they get a single response. Gets disheartening and the result is often lack luster conversations where they feel they have to self promote to get a chance.

Honestly OLD has degraded rapidly with the proliferation.

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19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What I used to do if I contacted first was write "I enjoyed reading your profile and it looks like we may have some things in common -if you're interested feel free to read mine and respond."  Then if he responded but didn't suggest a phone call I would respond "Thanks for responding -I much prefer phone calls to typing - I'd be happy to call if you send me your number".  Then if he responded we'd talk on the phone for around 20-30 minutes if it was going well. 

About whatever -but even if "whatever" I did my safety/stuff in common screening and considered whether this was a person I could have a 45 minute pleasant conversation with in person.  At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting I would.  Over 90% of the time by the end of that call one of us had suggested meeting.  The next call was to confirm the plan if needed.  Or, we met.  Usually within a week.  

I never met anyone without a phone call.  I learned so much -voice tone, conversational style, whether he had good manners (i.e. not playing scrabble while talking to me, or reading my profile and quoting it back to me, or ordering food while chatting to me).  Sometimes the couple of emails would be great and the phone call would be awful. 

Good luck!

similar . .

If I was interested, I would mention - That due to work, I spend the entire day in front of a pc screen and that I am not inclined to do so when I get home.  After a no more than a couple of promising exchanges, I'd put it out there that I'd be open talking on the phone and to let me know if they were interested.  That's it.  They were either interested or not.  I didn't waste time on those who preferred endless electronic exchanges.  99% of a phone call ended with setting up a time and place to meet.

I didn't pull this out of thin air. I learned from wasting a lot of my time engaging those who had no intention in it going anywhere to begin with.  Turns out there were more of them than those really interested in meeting someone.  Learn to eliminate them to make room for others.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Simply put, because going back and forth online gets really exhausting and is a colossal waste of time. You can only build a relationship or know if you actually click, when you meet in person in real life. So the faster you meet face to face with the least amount of expectations and preconceived notions of how the person will be, the better.

When I used OLD, I found that guys who are serious about meeting and are serious about finding someone to date don't waste time on e-mail chatter. You've seen their profile and pics, they've seen yours. If you like what you see, exchange an e-mail or two to set up a face to face meet. Something light and easy to leave if you are not happy. Either you'll click or you won't and will part ways easily.

Don't try to develop an electronic connection because you will be disappointed in that a lot and often once you meet in real life and it turns out the guy is not at all how you imagined him to be. This is exactly the kind of an approach that will lead to burn out and bitterness.

In fact, this was my litmus test - if he is willing to meet up, he is serious. If he wants to chatter, beat around the bush, drag his feet online, I learned quickly to cut these guys loose. The latter were not in a good place and not ready to date.

 

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3 hours ago, DancingFool said:

. . . if he is willing to meet up, he is serious. 

 

Serious about what, exactly?  Being willing to meet means nothing.  There are no guarantees about any of it.  That shopping cart murderer guy in the DC area, he was "serious" about meeting too.

Most guys I chatted with were at least honest about the fact that the initial meeting is strictly to see if you look like your pictures.  I found that to be universal on dating apps.

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1 hour ago, waffle said:

Serious about what, exactly?  Being willing to meet means nothing.  There are no guarantees about any of it.  That shopping cart murderer guy in the DC area, he was "serious" about meeting too.

Most guys I chatted with were at least honest about the fact that the initial meeting is strictly to see if you look like your pictures.  I found that to be universal on dating apps.

To me being willing to meet and showing up meant he wasn't just looking for a chat buddy.  I did safety screenings and had very few bad experiences (I met over 100 in person) -one pathological liar, one guy who showed up looking unkempt/dirty and one who was definitely had a mental disorder.  

The men I met I'd screened already for being marriage and family oriented.  Also about half the time we either knew people in common or knew of people in common so that added to the legitimacy.

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8 hours ago, waffle said:

.  That shopping cart murderer guy in the DC area, he was "serious" about meeting too.

In these cases for some reason the women agreed to meet him in a motel.

However you're both correct. Meeting means enough interest. And yes mostly to assess in person chemistry. 

But the bottom line is all the question and answer banter goes nowhere unless a meeting is set up.

Unfortunately there's a lot of people on apps who are timewasters. Looking to alleviate boredom or loneliness, broke up a nanosecond ago and so on.

That's why a few messages with or without questions is fine but then meeting is the next step.

Most sites have done away with questionnaires and moved towards the Tinder model. Even Match, that owns Tinder.

 

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15 hours ago, waffle said:

Serious about what, exactly?  Being willing to meet means nothing.  There are no guarantees about any of it.  That shopping cart murderer guy in the DC area, he was "serious" about meeting too.

Most guys I chatted with were at least honest about the fact that the initial meeting is strictly to see if you look like your pictures.  I found that to be universal on dating apps.

Serious about looking to find the right person to date as opposed to looking for a chat buddy, kicking tires but not actually ready to date. It does not mean jumping into some instant relationship.

Of course it doesn't mean that him and I would be the right match and yes, that first meet and greet is just seeing if there is anything there in real life. Most of the time, there will not be and that's normal. I don't even consider that a date but just briefly meeting up to see if you want to set up a date or not.

 

 

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On 1/11/2022 at 8:05 PM, poorlittlefish said:

I'm trying online dating again, after a gap of a few years. I receive a lot of messages, but the pattern is almost always this:

The guy makes some kind of introduction. I reply and pick a shared interest to ask a question about. The guy answers my question, but asks nothing back. I try and continue once or twice more, but get fed up with the conversation consisting solely of me asking. 

Is it now the normal thing to just talk about yourself and ask nothing about the person you got in touch with? I have a variety of hobbies/interests etc on my profile, so I don't understand why they contact me if they're not interested in knowing anything? 

For me its the other way around. I send a lot of messages out, but never get any replies. I always ask about their hobbies & interests but rarely get a response. 

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15 hours ago, Leo781 said:

For me its the other way around. I send a lot of messages out, but never get any replies. I always ask about their hobbies & interests but rarely get a response. 

That's why it's not often I contact men on dating sites as I rarely get anything back.  If they've contacted me then there are several reasons I might not respond, distance being the main one.  I used to politely reply to everyone to say thanks but no thanks, but that would sometimes generate really nasty, spiteful replies, so now I just delete if they're too far away or not my type, as I've said that's why I might not respond in my profile.  Politeness seems to get me nowhere.

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2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

That's why it's not often I contact men on dating sites as I rarely get anything back.  If they've contacted me then there are several reasons I might not respond, distance being the main one.  I used to politely reply to everyone to say thanks but no thanks, but that would sometimes generate really nasty, spiteful replies, so now I just delete if they're too far away or not my type, as I've said that's why I might not respond in my profile.  Politeness seems to get me nowhere.

I sometimes responded sometimes didn't depending on what sort of contact it was.  If it was from someone who clearly didn't read my profile then no.  I didn't think it was impolite not to respond - just like I thought it was over the top when I got responses from strangers gushing about how amazing I was but we weren't a good match.  Puhlease.  I contacted many men on dating sites and suggested first meets fairly regularly - back then I didn't pay attention to how many emailed me back as I lived in a large city -by choice- teeming with singles - but it was enough that I regularly had first meets over the 5 years on and off I was on these sites.

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A thousand years ago when I used online dating sites, I wouldn't respond if the man had obviously not read my profile or if he was obviously using a canned, copy/paste response, OR if in the first few communications I found him insufferable.

For example, my profile clearly stated I had already had all the children I was going to have and that I was not going to have any more.  One man sent me a message saying he wanted to "build a beautiful family" with me.  Obviously a copy/paste message he was sending to many women.  Another man and I were chatting but he was such an insufferable egomaniac that I just ghosted him.  Every topic I brought up, he was an expert on that topic and he had done every heroic thing you could think of.  I would mention something I did that day and he would reply with how he was the BEST at that thing and then change the subject back to bragging about himself.  I stopped responding to his messages.  I found it amusing that he continued to send me messages for a few days.  I think I may have finally told him I wanted someone who would talk about more than himself, then blocked him.  Ugh.

I never did meet anyone through dating sites.  I think I just gave up.  My son, however, met his spouse on a dating site so it does happen.

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