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Is trust really earned or will jealous people always be jealous?


kailpp
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I work in a male dominated field. 90% of my coworkers are men. I had to justify myself the times when my boyfriend saw me talking to a coworker who happened to be a man. At my workplace.
He gets upset and then I feel like I have to justify myself. They're not legit fights, but it's a recurrent issue. We've talked about it in a healthy manner also but disputes keep happening and I'm afraid it's subconsciously a huge issue for him because he also jokes about me being with other men a lot. I believe they're just jokes.

I am a bit annoyed. I go home, spend all my free time with him, no phone. I don't care who he is talking to/interacting with at work. Because if someone wants to cheat they will and if it happens it's good riddance. I've been cheated on before and learned my lesson.

I am honestly a bit worried it will always be like this. I'll always have to explain and justify myself.

My coworkers know him and that we're in a relationship. It doesn't help that I am often teased about it by them.

I love him but this drains me a bit when it happens.

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I dated someone who asked me to justify why I had business cards in my purse (he peered in when I opened it).  I don't really agree with your title as the question is posed.  A certain level of trust is earned when dating for purposes of a serious relationship.  People who choose to react with insecurity in a generalized way are going to choose that no matter what the "reality" is.  But people who are reasonably secure and confident are likely not going to trust a stranger, or trust an acquaintance with deep dark secrets, etc.  

Another anecdote - in the 1990s I met a guy at a party - I was in my late 20s.  We went on one date, maybe two.  I went to a singles event and saw my male friend there.  We'd dated in the past but we were totally just friends.  He asked me to dance to try to make someone else jealous -as a joke -for fun.  We danced. 

I then went out with the first guy again -he told me he'd seen me dancing with the other guy at the party, and reacted by leaving and going out and getting very drunk.  Of course we weren't exclusive -I don't even know if we'd kissed yet.  It was bizarre.  I explained the situation (but even if I had been dancing "for real" - of course that would have been appropriate).  I chose not to see him again.  I doubt a person who reacted in that way would be a person who would be secure enough to feel trust in a romantic relationship.  

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It's not possible to earn the trust of someone who comes in with a bias against trusting.

There are two forms of jealousy; the kind that's provoked by suspicious behavior, and the kind that's already predetermined based on a failure to heal from damage in the past.

The second kind is not relationship material.

When you're crystal clear that your behavior is not provocative but you are continually challenged into the impossible position of proving a negative, that's not just a red flag, it's a giant neon sign of trouble.

Unfortunately, I'd tell BF that I adore him, but I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to decide whether he will seek therapy to heal his suspicious bias against women in general, and if he ever reaches a point where he believes he can take a more trusting approach to commitment, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up.

Otherwise, this situation will not get better, it will get worse, I'm sorry to say, and you can research that.

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No, you shouldn't have to pay the price for a crime you didn't commit. I don't think he'll be able to change on a dime, but before throwing in the towel, which you should do, I'd tell him something like: I don't find your jokes funny about me and other men. And I'm surrounded by men at work, the grocery store, and restaurants. I can and will talk to them, and am never inappropriate. Every time you speak to me about other men, it eats away at the good part of our relationship like a cancer. You will stop, or I'm walking away.

Yes, it's an ultimatum. If he can't agree to be who a healthy partner is, that's his choice and he can deal with the consequences. 

I had a friend who married a guy like this, and she couldn't even bring him to her retirement party, because she thought he'd blow when she hugged any of the male employees, as one might at these sorts of events. Ridiculous. They are now divorced, but for other reasons as well. 

Take care and let us know how it goes.

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3 hours ago, kailpp said:

I am honestly a bit worried it will always be like this. I'll always have to explain and justify myself.

You should be worried. As other have pointed out, there is a healthy level of suspicion and an unhealthy level of suspicion. Your boyfriend's suspicion falls into the unhealthy category for a lot of reasons.

3 hours ago, kailpp said:

I believe they're just jokes.

They are not jokes. It's just another approach that he uses to assert his control.

There is no amount of 'trust-earning' that you can do to alter his natural disposition. People can't be 'fixed.' 

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I was never a jealous type, even though it did bite me in the ass few times. But always, even when I was younger had an attitude that if somebody wants to cheat, they will do that right in front of your eyes so its kinda useless to spend your time worrying about it and kept that attitude. It did happened to my friends brother, she cheated him on his birthday in his own house. That girl is now married to a famous tennis player lol. 

Anyway, its no way to live your life. Now he gets jealous about colleagues, tomorrow you maybe cant see your friends because he will think you will cheat etc. Even now you spend all your free time with him only. Which suggests you already are in that cycle where you are alienated from close people(whether its work or outside of it) because of him. So if i were you, I would seriously think if that is good for you or not.

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You don’t have to earn trust. When you are in a relationship there should be a certain level of trust. So you don’t have to justify anything, you don’t have to prove anything. You should simply be able to be you and work your job.

I see this more has your BF being controlling rather than being jealous. So today he has problems with you working in a male dominated work place. Tomorrow it is the guy at the grocery store etc. etc. etc. until you can´t go anywhere without your BF anymore.

Is this what you want? If I were you, I would run and go.

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When entering into a new relationship you shouldn't have to earn anything from your partner because if you are then you are paying the price for their other relationships.

  I view it as everyone is trusted until they do something to either increase the trust or decrease the trust.  Your bf is insecure for what ever reason and it will ruin your relationship eventually.  You are already heading down that path.

His jokes are not jokes, they are a manifestation of his insecurity coming out dressed up as a joke.

  Time to sit down with him and let him know that he needs to do something  to address his insecurities in the relationship or it will ruin it.  No more jokes, no more accusations and no more questioning you.  Make it clear that he either trusts you are he doesn't and if it is the latter there is no reason to stay together.  Without trust there can be no true love.

  He will tell you he trusts you but he doesn't trust the men around you which is total BS because a thousand men could try and chat you up but if you set all of them straight that you are in a relationship and not interested it doesn't matter what their intentions are, only yours.

  This is not your fault unless you are a big flirt exacerbating his insecurities.

Lost

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9 hours ago, kailpp said:

We've talked about it in a healthy manner also but disputes keep happening and I'm afraid it's subconsciously a huge issue for him because he also jokes about me being with other men a lot. I believe they're just jokes.

I remember a saying, inside a joke is some truth.

I'm sure it is draining! 😕 . He should trust you, not be so full of accusations.

And for your work colleagues behaviour is also not necessary!  If it continues you can speak up and ask them to grow up.

YOu never said how long you two have been involved.  But, I'm sure, this will add up on you. Simple, if he keeps this up, is time to walk away.  Your partner should be making life better in ways and okay - not negatively challenging you.

 

 

 

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I think there are a lot of theories about jealousy and why people are.... but just like any other emotion each person is responsible for identifying their issues and then working on fixing them so that they don't impact other people.

As for trust and earning it.... well, I mean you can lose it and I guess there is a component of earning it to keep it-- as in being trust worthy.

But if you have done nothing wrong and always feel you need to defend yourself, that is a problem.  And it's not about will it always be this way?  Because guess what? Your life is now.  What is happening now.

You can probably do better than someone with personal trust issues.  He doesn't trust himself, that's why he can't trust others.  He may be justified based on his past, but he is also responsible for fixing this and not spewing his own emotional immaturity all over you.  

The thing is-- you can't explain some things.  You may think you are working to make things better, but he'll get defensive.  All you can really do is take a person at face value.  Not what you can fix or what their potential might be if they would only do XYZ.  

 

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