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Closure from bad break up


Kyle12
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My ex was particularly cruel to me as broke up with me. He said hurtful things to devalue both our relationship and me as a person. He was like an entirely different person and this has made recovery from the break up harder to manage emotionally and psychologically. I have read that it can be common for dumpers to turn cold in order to follow through with the break-up process and I have been 3 weeks no contact and I am slowly feeling better each day. I do not expect any closure or making amends from/with him as I am now an 'ex' so how do I best find peace myself? X 

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I think you're already doing it... Not communicating or having any contact.

It just takes time to not care about it anymore. 

Every break up is bad. There is no good break up.  Even when you want it. It's emotional, scary and hard. 

Recognizing it is hard and having compassion for yourself is the way to go. 

It'll get better.  Keep telling yourself that and other positive things. Look to the future and what you want that to be. ❤

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2 hours ago, Kyle12 said:

I have been 3 weeks no contact and I am slowly feeling better each day. so how do I best find peace myself? X

Sorry this happened. The best thing you do is delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Sever all ties. Throw his stuff out.

 Start 2022 fresh with a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low key coffee.

Is this the same man?:

 

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My ex gf did the same thing. Didn’t recognize the person saying all the stuff. It’s common. Be glad it happened sooner rather than later. They’re not happy w themselves and they’ll find the next person to emotionally manipulate. 
that was the problem with her and I. I didn’t tolerate her bs and called her out on it. 

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. The best thing you do is delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Sever all ties. Throw his stuff out.

 Start 2022 fresh with a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low key coffee.

Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, unfortunately. Still processing it all. And thank-you for your help xx

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As mentioned, you're already doing so by going No Contact. This enables you to work through it all.  Your emotions ( which will probably come in waves of denial... to anger.. to hurt.. etc, until is accepted).

Less we know the better.  No reminders, etc.

And just give them nothing anymore ( some ask for a 'friendship', but can't expect this as we are trying to heal & move on)

'Closure', we cannot expect from them, is on ourselves. ( No matter what you may want to know/ask etc, will not really make a difference).

Be easy on yourself, you are hurting ❤️ .  Go one day at a time.  I also found journaling helpful - as another form of 'getting it out'.  And hang out with friends/family.

 

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35 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

As mentioned, you're already doing so by going No Contact. This enables you to work through it all.  Your emotions ( which will probably come in waves of denial... to anger.. to hurt.. etc, until is accepted).

Less we know the better.  No reminders, etc.

And just give them nothing anymore ( some ask for a 'friendship', but can't expect this as we are trying to heal & move on)

'Closure', we cannot expect from them, is on ourselves. ( No matter what you may want to know/ask etc, will not really make a difference).

Be easy on yourself, you are hurting ❤️ .  Go one day at a time.  I also found journaling helpful - as another form of 'getting it out'.  And hang out with friends/family.

 

Thank-you for your time and help xx

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9 hours ago, Kyle12 said:

I have read that it can be common for dumpers to turn cold in order to follow through with the break-up process

Not just to follow through but mostly for you to accept it. They believe that you will accept the break up more easy if they go cruel. If he started "Its not you its me" talk you would maybe say that you can work on stuff and it would be harder to accept it. Like this, there is nothing to work about. And it is kinda a blessing in disguise. From the point that you already accepted that he is an "ex". 

However, after reading another thread about it, I do believe that he is just a cruel person in general. Considering that he left  10 year relationship like its nothing and throwing poo on both you an relationship. It may not look like it now, but trust me, if he is like that, its better for you to get rid of somebody like that. In time it will get better, you will move on and find somebody way better. Focus on that.

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57 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Not just to follow through but mostly for you to accept it. They believe that you will accept the break up more easy if they go cruel. If he started "Its not you its me" talk you would maybe say that you can work on stuff and it would be harder to accept it. Like this, there is nothing to work about. And it is kinda a blessing in disguise. From the point that you already accepted that he is an "ex". 

However, after reading another thread about it, I do believe that he is just a cruel person in general. Considering that he left  10 year relationship like its nothing and throwing poo on both you an relationship. It may not look like it now, but trust me, if he is like that, its better for you to get rid of somebody like that. In time it will get better, you will move on and find somebody way better. Focus on that.

Thank-you for your message of support. That makes sense about being cruel in order for me to accept the break-up. It was still so hurtful how he treated me but to better understand the reasoning behind it makes it easier to process. It altered my self-worth and interpretion of our relationship as a whole.  3 weeks no contact is a little better and with more time it can only get better still xx

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8 minutes ago, Kyle12 said:

Thank-you for your message of support. That makes sense about being cruel in order for me to accept the break-up. It was still so hurtful how he treated me but to better understand the reasoning behind it makes it easier to process. It altered my self-worth and interpretion of our relationship as a whole.  3 weeks no contact is a little better and with more time it can only get better still xx

Some people are cruel not so much so you accept the break up, but rather as a way to convince themselves of the decision and to lessen their own guilt. So they say horrible things about you, about the relationship. They need to make you out to be the bad person who deserves to be dumped so they can feel better as strange as that is.

It can get pretty twisted so be careful that you don't take it to heart. This actually shows you that you dodged a bullet because deep down he is not a very nice person and it was only a matter of time before that side of him was going to come out one way or another.

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3 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Some people are cruel not so much so you accept the break up, but rather as a way to convince themselves of the decision and to lessen their own guilt. So they say horrible things about you, about the relationship. They need to make you out to be the bad person who deserves to be dumped so they can feel better as strange as that is.

It can get pretty twisted so be careful that you don't take it to heart. This actually shows you that you dodged a bullet because deep down he is not a very nice person and it was only a matter of time before that side of him was going to come out one way or another.

Thank-you for this insight, it helped me to understand it all much more and not to take it all so personally even though it feels that way a great deal lately. Much appreciation for your time xx

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Some people are under the mistaken impression that another needs to be a villain in order to justly parting with them. So they revert to the reptilian part of their brain, and they operate accordingly.

If it's any comfort, he's likely to regret his behavior at some point.

Make it your goal to be fully healed and onto building your fabulous future by then.

Head high, you'll thank yourself later for moving forward today.

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Some people are under the mistaken impression that another needs to be a villain in order to justly parting with them. So they revert to the reptilian part of their brain, and they operate accordingly.

If it's any comfort, he's likely to regret his behavior at some point.

Make it your goal to be fully healed and onto building your fabulous future by then.

Head high, you'll thank yourself later for moving forward today.

This will be my goal. And thank-you for your words of kindness. Very painful but onwards and upwards x

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7 hours ago, Kyle12 said:

This will be my goal. And thank-you for your words of kindness. Very painful but onwards and upwards x

You do have the choice to decide how painful, exactly, this 'must' be for you.

The voice we each run in our own head is our driver for which lens we choose to adopt, and which emotions we want that lens to tap.

You might find it helpful to regard ex's outburst as a degree of insanity, and while it's unfortunate, you own the power to decide the degree to which you'll allow it to impact your outlook and your future.

This is not to dismiss your legitimate grief, but rather, to turn your focus onto an outlook that heals instead of damages you going forward.

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5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You do have the choice to decide how painful, exactly, this 'must' be for you.

The voice we each run in our own head is our driver for which lens we choose to adopt, and which emotions we want that lens to tap.

You might find it helpful to regard ex's outburst as a degree of insanity, and while it's unfortunate, you own the power to decide the degree to which you'll allow it to impact your outlook and your future.

This is not to dismiss your legitimate grief, but rather, to turn your focus onto an outlook that heals instead of damages you 

This helps me. I have been a little worried about the effect the situation had upon me with regards to my self-worth and dignity but to reframe it all the way you have suggested does help to empower me to feel better and recover. I screenshotted your message to keep with me. Thank-you xx

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alrighty, I'm going to propose my latest go-to for zooming out to examine a relationship:  imagine it was a business with two partners who were supposed to be (more or less) equal.  Whether it's 50-50, 60-40, or 100-100.

😄

What got put in what got taken out, how did the partners behave towards each other?  Did they split the profits, if there were any (no matter the %)?  Did anyone get lied to or screwed in the transactions?  Was there a clear winner and loser?

Hugs to you, hope all goes well and you find your equilibrium someday, when the time is right, with a great business partner that's in the love, marriage, sexy time, kids, family, savings, dreams come true business!

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