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Is this 100% my fault? Is his porn usage likely to change in the future?


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I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2+ years, this is a first relationship for both of us (both in our early 20s). He says he doesn't believe in sex before marriage (as in all the way), but we do occasionally engage in oral, foreplay ect. However during oral I have never been able to "finish him off" (usually takes 15-20 minutes of trying), and he finishes himself. I've tried practising with objects and looking up tips on the internet but nothing seems to have helped. He says it is 100% my fault due to my inexperience/not being good, but he also masturbates 3 times a days and his desktop computer and phone is full of porn to the point I'm not even allowed to touch them and his phone photo app is password protected, which I feel would change his sensitivity and make it harder for me. I'd just like an outsiders perspective over whether this is normal as I have no one else I can really talk to about this, nor previous relationships to compare to. 

On another note, if we were to move in, get married ect. in the future and engage in the full sexual experience, would he be likely to reduce his porn usage (I.e. Not have a phone that's full of porn, 10+ tabs of it open on his desktop constantly, and actually want to be with me)? Most the time we see each other I try to initiate and he turns me down. Thanks. 

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1 hour ago, unglywoman123 said:

He says it is 100% my fault due to my inexperience/not being good, but he also masturbates 3 times a days and his desktop computer and phone is full of porn

You need to end it. He's being disrespectful. You're not a blow up doll or hooker. If he complains just stop doing oral on him.

He  is blaming you for his ineptitude  and this will get worse if you continue with him.

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Thanks both of you for the compassionate replies. He says it's not "death-grip" because he doesn't grip that tight... But again it's hard to tell what is normal in terms of sex, porn usage ect. as a female as it's my first relationship, I haven't had any close friends since being old enough for serious relationships, nor have I ever had any close male friends. But at this point will probably give up on a sexual relationship if there's no change on his end.

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I don't understand what is satisfying to you about this relationship. I have a feeling he only says he won't have intercourse before marriage because he doesn't want you to know that a real live woman won't do it for him, since his go-to way of a turn on is porn. Not uncommon when someone watches this much porn. It actually changes the neurons of the brain. He likely just likes female companionship, and yes, will continue on just as he is now. I can't even imagine stomaching being with a guy who masturbates to that extent. 

My advice? Go solo. Enjoy your freedom for now. Make female friends. Start a new hobby. Work on an education and/or a good career path so you never have to rely on a man financially.

When you get to a good place personally, and with some more life experience under your belt, you will likely be better at choosing a better man. Good luck and let us know how it goes. You deserve better. Don't settle.

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5 hours ago, unglywoman123 said:

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2+ years, this is a first relationship for both of us (both in our early 20s). He says he doesn't believe in sex before marriage (as in all the way), but we do occasionally engage in oral, foreplay ect. However during oral I have never been able to "finish him off" (usually takes 15-20 minutes of trying), and he finishes himself. I've tried practising with objects and looking up tips on the internet but nothing seems to have helped. He says it is 100% my fault due to my inexperience/not being good, but he also masturbates 3 times a days and his desktop computer and phone is full of porn to the point I'm not even allowed to touch them and his phone photo app is password protected, which I feel would change his sensitivity and make it harder for me. I'd just like an outsiders perspective over whether this is normal as I have no one else I can really talk to about this, nor previous relationships to compare to. 

On another note, if we were to move in, get married ect. in the future and engage in the full sexual experience, would he be likely to reduce his porn usage (I.e. Not have a phone that's full of porn, 10+ tabs of it open on his desktop constantly, and actually want to be with me)? Most the time we see each other I try to initiate and he turns me down. Thanks. 

Why the heck would you even speak to this guy, never mind date him?

He's not a good partner, in fact he sounds like a very bad choice.

How are you supposed to give him any kind of pleasure if he's jerking off that many times in one day?

He needs to stop touching himself for a few days, give the porn a rest and allow his brain to come back to reality of a one on one intimate experience that doesn't involve his hand or women on a screen.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT YOU FAULT HE'S NOT ABLE TO HAVE AN ORGASM FROM YOU.

It's HIS fault for touching himself far too much and engaging in porn to the point of it now being an addiction.

Unless he breaks the addiction to both of those things, you and he won't ever have a satisfying sex life.

As for him hiding things and putting on that many security issues, HUGE red flag that he has a lot to hide from you.

I don't think you necessarily need to be looking on his phone, but anyone who has nothing to hide wouldn't be so paranoid as to put up that many barriers.

Extremely sketchy behavior.

My husband and I are pretty laid back, we can pick each others phones up whenever. We're not worried if we do, or don't.

And in my opinion, that's how it should be. 

Nothing to hide, and no questionable behavior.

I would be running from this guy as far as possible and not looking back.

He sounds like a lot of trouble. The fact that he puts all the blame on you too....grrrr, I wish I could have a talk with that kid.

It's not your fault...it's HIS.

He's behaving badly.

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39 minutes ago, unglywoman123 said:

Thanks both of you for the compassionate replies. He says it's not "death-grip" because he doesn't grip that tight... But again it's hard to tell what is normal in terms of sex, porn usage ect. as a female as it's my first relationship, I haven't had any close friends since being old enough for serious relationships, nor have I ever had any close male friends. But at this point will probably give up on a sexual relationship if there's no change on his end.

Just leave him...ugh...he doesn't know how to satisfy a woman or make her feel special.

He's a total nightmare.

Someone else who is NOT obsessed with porn or masturbation could have a really enjoyable sex life with you and you with them.

It's HIM, he's ruining it all for you.

Edited by SherrySher
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56 minutes ago, unglywoman123 said:

Thanks both of you for the compassionate replies. He says it's not "death-grip" because he doesn't grip that tight... But again it's hard to tell what is normal in terms of sex, porn usage ect. as a female as it's my first relationship, I haven't had any close friends since being old enough for serious relationships, nor have I ever had any close male friends. But at this point will probably give up on a sexual relationship if there's no change on his end.

It doesn't matter if he uses a "death grip" or not. Your mouth doesn't feel like his hand. And he has trained himself to only orgasm by using his hand. Again, this is something he's done to himself. You didn't choose this.

You don't have to give up on a satisfying sexual relationship. You're just not going to get it from this man.

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On 1/6/2022 at 2:56 PM, uglywoman123 said:

On another note, if we were to move in, get married ect. in the future and engage in the full sexual experience, would he be likely to reduce his porn usage (I.e. Not have a phone that's full of porn, 10+ tabs of it open on his desktop constantly, and actually want to be with me)? Most the time we see each other I try to initiate and he turns me down. Thanks. 

I speak from PERSONAL EXPERIENCE...RUN, do not walk, but RUN from this man!  I was married to a man who was (unbeknownst to me at first) OBSESSED with porn, online sex sites, etc.  When we had sex, he could no longer reach orgasm, and I could NOT understand it.  Then I found out the reason...a TRUE porn addition.

Without counseling, it is unlikely that he will stop.  The ONLY thing that will happen if you move in is that he will get better and better at hiding this.   AND...be VERY AWARE that this MAY not stop with just "looking" at porn on his phone/computer.  In the case of my now ex-husband, he went from looking at porn, to actually MEETING woman...COMPLETE STRANGERS for sex.  (Some of these sights are for woman who are probably in your area...my ex found woman in mine!)

When you try to initiate now he says "no thanks".  Think about that.  You deserve someone who wants to be with YOU...NOT porn.  

My Best to you...

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  • 4 weeks later...

The way you are telling he is porn addicted and there is no changing that if he doesn't control it. Intimacy is missing and without porn he can't get off with you and masturbating thrice a day. I mean what can you do, tell him to take councelling otherwise you are not needed in this relationship and it will only gets worse for you. Porn impacts physical relation big time. 

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