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Advice on how to deal with formerly estranged mother after father's passing


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Hi everyone, 

As posted in a different thread, my dad unexpectedly passed away last week. He was such a great man with integrity and a very kind heart. At that point, I had been estranged from my entire immediate family for 6 years. I cut ties with them due to various issues with my abusive and toxic mother (a lot of things she did hurt both my dad, my brother and I - my two other siblings were too young). My dad was unfortunately collateral damage when I took the decision to distance myself. 

Fast forward, a friend of my siblings tracked me down on social media to tell me to reach out to my siblings as something bad had happened. Then when I called, my mother picked up to tell me the news about my dad's passing. We spoke for roughly two hours and have been speaking on the phone every single day since. 

I live in a different country, but my mother has a strong support system where she is with my three siblings (all above 18), her brother and tons of friends. I on the other hand, don't have many friends and I'm fine with that. She has been calling me every single day now to chat, which is fine by me, but it's mostly me providing emotional support and remaining in touch to support on getting my dad's legal and financial affairs in order. It seems in her mind, our relationship is fully re-established. I offered to come visit to sort my dad's affairs as my siblings though above 18 are still in college and don't know what to do. They need guidance. 

I fully comprehend she lost her partner of 32 years. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your other half, but she mistreated me and my dad for years and years on end. My dad had a lot on his heart and so did I. Now, I am forced to provide emotional support to someone who mistreated me my entire childhood / teenage years and early twenties. It's really difficult for me because even though on paper I'm there, I don't feel anything at all. I'm completely detached. I missed my dad a lot, but I can't say I did miss her as much (I already feel guilty saying this). I try to comfort her, but there's always a level detachment.

I know my dad would have wanted me to be there for my siblings and support them during this difficult time, which is why I'm keeping the lines of communication open now. I'm trying to act dignified in the way my dad would have wanted me to act, but my heart is very much scattered. I can't say I'm particularly enthusiastic at the idea of being forced to be back in touch with someone who tormented me and hurt my dad and our entire family for years on end. I'm not trying to be harsh or heartless, but I'm finding it really difficult to navigate between grieving for my dad and being forced to re-establish a relationship with someone. 

It does not help my family has become far more conservative over the years and there's a disconnect there. 

I feel really guilty posting the above because it sounds like I am whining or being harsh during these circumstances (which is inappropriate), but I'm really struggling to contain these constant thoughts. 

I would appreciate any help / guidance. 

Thanks.

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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I'm so sorry about your loss. Please don't feel bad or guilty, because there is nothing wrong with how you feel or what you've said here.

Not sure how to say what I want, but I'll try my best. Your dad and mom's relationship was between them. Whatever it was, however it was, it was theirs and their own adult choices regardless of how you felt about it or what you thought. On that note, the relationship between you and your dad and you and your mom is like two trains on parallel tracks traveling in tandem but also separately. 

What I mean is that you need to do what you need to do to grieve the loss of your dad and that grief is personal in terms of how you handle that.

The above is completely separate from your relationship with your mother. That is independent in that you choose whether you want to renew the relationship or step back and step out. You said yourself that she has a good support system so it's not your responsibility to be there for her. You said that you don't feel anything for her, but perhaps, talking to her is helping you in some way? Giving you some odd form of comfort as you grieve? As for technical/estate settlement stuff, you can step in and do what needs to be done, while keeping things arms length with her. This is all entirely up to you. There is no right and wrong, only what feels right for you. Don't worry about assumptions or appearances, just do what feels right for you for now and figure out later if you need to step back. Remember that you always can.

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So I have a suggestion - you want to honor your dad and what you believe he would have wanted -to be there for your mother.  So instead of talking with her and having that awkward feeling of detachment, your internal conflict -instead can you offer to do something to help -like something to do with your dad's assets, estate, belongings? Something where you are helping your mother but without having to do in one on one conversations.  And if she insists on calling just keep the calls really brief.  Make excuses, etc.  

Again as I expressed in your other thread I am really sorry about your loss.  You describe a person who you loved and who inspired you. I bet he inspired many others as well.

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Posted (edited)

Thank you, @Batya33@DancingFool

I am currently helping my brother remotely with my dad's estate / financial affairs. I am unable to travel over there to do so because my family is anti-vaccine and they all got COVID in the last few days. Therefore, I have to stay put for now until I get there and sort things out. 

My mother now calls me every single day and while I try to limit the conversation to 30 minutes, she always drags it to 1h+. I took a few days off this week, so I was able to handle our lengthy interactions, but I don't have 2+ hours to spare every single day after work when I already finish work late. She rings me every single evening because she's assuming I'm always on my own waiting for her to ring me (that's what she just said: "I called you now, so at least, you're not on your own"). I have a life too. How does she think I've been spending the last 6 years of no contact? The other day I was in the shower when she called and there were 5 missed calls. She said she was worried about me when I didn't pick up. I appreciate the thought, but I didn't speak to any family member for 6 years and I was fine. I don't need someone to smother me all of the sudden. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that her 2+ hours conversations always turn to religion in one capacity or another. Everything is linked to religion and I have to go silent and wait for her to finish her monologue. It can go from talking about someone's personal religious deed, someone who named their child a non-religious name or, how the account manager at the bank wore a short skirt and therefore she didn't want to deal with her because her outfit was inappropriate based on her religious principles or how my grandma was praying for me to marry a religious person. Religion is present in every single conversation we have and she's the one who brings it up. 

I'm spiritual, but I'm a million miles away from her thought process and religious obsession. It's very difficult for me to sit there and absorb ignorant thoughts after a long day when all I want to do is unwind on my own. I have decided to not talk about my life at all, so when she calls, I just ask how she's doing, how my brother is dealing with the paperwork and how everyone is coping. My personal life is off limits because although we're now in touch, it takes a certain level of closeness I don't feel. 

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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So after 30 minutes -or the time you're ok speaking with her -make up a short excuse and say "great talking to you mom -I have to go now!"  The end.  I'm sorry she's being so needy -understandable of course but in your situation I can see where you don't want this insta-mom-daughter/talk on the phone every day, arrangement.  

You're being such a big help to your family.  They are lucky to have you.

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Do you have an answering machine?  If not, get one.  Tell mom if you dont answer, to leave a msg and you will call her back.

I understand the upheaval in your family but you need some boundaries with mom.  When my dad died my mother had her needs and wants too, to do with him and his affairs and estate and she did drag me into it somewhat.  I lived over an hour away from her.  My brother was 5 mins. away so he got more than I did.  I had a terrible relationship with her most of my life so I appreciate how you feel

You need to gently shorten the convos with her to a limit you can handle.  Your siblings should be involved as much as they can be, this should not all be on you.  I would assume in time things will calm down as mother adjusts to her new life and all the legal things get sorted out.  Patience may be hard to find, but is what you need.

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My condolences.

Having to relive the trauma from your mother is not something your father would want you to have to endure so you need to look after your emotional well being first.  You owe your mother nothing and it may seem harsh but just because you share DNA doesn't mean you are have to support or help her.

 Obviously you were cut from the same cloth as your father but there has to be a time when you stop the thing that is upsetting you which in this case is your mother.  Simply don't answer the call and when you feel up to talking to her keep it polite and to the point.  If she wants to burden you with her pain and troubles you need to let her know that you are hurting too and these chats are bringing up a lot of painful memories you do not want to revisit.  Let her know you are fine with helping with arrangements and financial/legal issues but you need to mourn on your terms.

  My mother was an evil alcoholic that I had to basically disown. She drove all of her children away and died alone.  I didn't grieve at all when it happened because the woman  that was my mom died so many years earlier and I had accepted that person was long gone.  It may seem cold but she made the choices to be cruel and hurtful and I and my sisters chose not to be victims of it any longer.

  You owe her nothing so it is okay to not feel anything for her and you shouldn't feel guilty.  Give yourself permission to not feel anything for her, it is okay.   Your siblings on the other hand could use their older sibling so do what you can remotely.  Remember they were all just fine with you out of their lives and will be fine after this is all over. 

 It comes down to this.  If you don't want to talk to her then don't answer the phone.  You need to protect yourself.  Of all people your father  would understand.

Lost

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Posted (edited)

Thank you, everyone. I really do appreciate the kind words. It's a bit difficult for me to exteriorize my thoughts as I feel guilty for thinking them in the first place, so I really appreciate having such platform to discuss this without being judged. 

She rings me on my mobile randomly, so I could let it go to voicemail, but if I don't respond, she bombards me with repeated calls. She has a very large support system. She literally has people showing up at her door every single day of the week, in addition to her brother and my siblings. She's not alone at all and therefore does not need to latch onto me the way she does. I don't need to know what she ate for lunch or dinner. I think I'm the one who is most like my dad along with another sibling, so that's probably the reason why. I can't blame her for wanting to speak to me and being needy, but I personally cannot go from 0 to 100 overnight. 

When she announced my dad's passing, she had the audacity to say: "I forgive you for not calling us for years because you were young and didn't know what you were doing". She never acknowledged any of the hurt she put me and our family through (not the right time to do so, of course, but she could have just refrained from saying this).

This is a woman who beat me every single day of the week when I was a child / teenager and who had an affair twice, dragging me into it and asking me to cover for her then when my dad found out, she stopped speaking to me for 6 months and asked ME to apologize to her for lying and saying she had an affair. There was no lie on my part, she literally would talk about this other man every single day and show me texts. The affair re-started 5 years later (after I moved out) and she claimed she was possessed by the devil and they brought some woman into the house to remove whatever "spell" she claimed she was under. I understand these are issues between her and my dad, but she willingly dragged me into them then turned the her own doings against me and made my life hell. 

This is why I feel zero for her and find it difficult for me to make something out of nothing. I try to dig into a non-existent spot to support her and it's rough. I rarely thought of her in the last 6 years of no-contact and really missed my dad a lot. As harsh as it may sound, it was a relief when I didn't have her in my life. Now, she's being nice, but I can't say it makes me feel any better. 

I'm really tolerating this for my father and siblings. My siblings need help and guidance. Given her pre-existing mental health instability + my dad's passing, I need to keep an eye on them. Who knows how long I will be able to handle her in my life again before my mental health goes south again. The moment I cut her off, my mental health improved significantly and I'm worried she might drag me down again. I'm planning on going to therapy as soon as this situation settles. 

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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11 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

 

  You owe her nothing so it is okay to not feel anything for her and you shouldn't feel guilty.  Give yourself permission to not feel anything for her, it is okay.   Your siblings on the other hand could use their older sibling so do what you can remotely.  Remember they were all just fine with you out of their lives and will be fine after this is all over. 

 It comes down to this.  If you don't want to talk to her then don't answer the phone.  You need to protect yourself.  Of all people your father  would understand.

Lost

This is perfect!  It's how I felt about my mother, who I did not ever get along with and I cut her from my life when I was just 18.  Self preservation.  My dealings from then on were on my terms.  I knew when my dad died she'd need help and I did give some help, but not as much as maybe I could have as it just wasn't in me.  I didnt abandon her at that time, but I kept it at a level I could deal with.  It will pass in time, for you, as the awfulness of your dad's death wanes, which it will.

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First, my sincerest condolences on the loss of your Dad.  I lost my Mom 7 months ago, so I KNOW the pain.  No matter how old YOU are or how old THEY are, they are still your parents, and, losing my Mom has left a hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I know you want to honor your Dad and help your siblings, but, if too much contact with your Mom is going to be detrimental to YOUR mental health, what good are you to anyone?  As they say, you have to "take your own oxygen first".  So...as others have said, limit your contact with your Mom.   IF it starts to affect your mental health, could you deal with JUST one of  your siblings instead?

Either way...you need to be able to properly grieve this loss, and need to look out for yourself.

I wish you peace during this difficult time.  And again...I am so sorry. 😢

All the best to you...

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Please do not allow her narcissistic behavior ruin the peaceful life you have gained since getting her out of your life.

The simple fact that she holds your responsible and not herself for her horrible treatment of you all those years is even more reason to ignore her calls.  Simply block her number or ignore the calls and then every few days call and check in with your siblings to see if they need help with  anything.

  It isn't wrong of you to not want to talk or deal with your abuser, in fact it is perfectly normal and totally understandable.  Just because your abuser is your biological mother means nothing.

 Ignore her calls, deal directly with your sisters and brothers and let her lean on the many friends she has but not you.

You owe her less than a total stranger.

Lost

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It seems your mother is continuing her mistreatment of you, just in a different manner.  She is holding you responsible for herself.  She's an adult, so SHE is responsible for her, not you.

You can provide support without being obligated to stay on the phone with her for two hours a day, every day.  So what if she blows up your phone with repeated calls?   She only does it because it works.  If you stopped responding to this barrage of calls she will eventually get the hint and stop.

You cannot help others, no matter who they are, to your own detriment.

I would recommend checking out the book "Codependent No More" and perhaps seeking out a group for codependents.  I did so and it was enlightening and very helpful.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

II would recommend checking out the book "Codependent No More" and perhaps seeking out a group for codependents.  I did so and it was enlightening and very helpful.

WOW...I forgot all about this book!  I bought it over 20 years ago, and, I would HIGHLY recommend it.  

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Posted (edited)

Thank you @boltnrun and @CallingAllAngels, I will check this book out. Never heard of it. 

I agree, she is responsible for herself. I offered to visit for a week to sort my dad's estate and she's already making demands such as "May I ask that you take the full week off, so that you can spend some time with me so I won't be alone". Though I had planned to take the full week off because I need to travel overseas to visit, I told her there would be a chance I'd be logging in to work remotely. I'm flying all the way there to sort my dad's affairs, not to provide companionship (which she already has plenty of). 

She called me again today at 9.30pm and at 10.10pm I told her I needed to hang up because I've work tomorrow and her response was: "Well, if I'm annoying you, I'll let you go then" and she started getting annoyed on the phone until I asked her why she was getting annoyed and she said "never mind, I have to go to bed too". She's seriously starting to latch onto me with severe claws and conditioning me. Before I hung up, I told her I won't be speaking to her tomorrow because I'm going back to work and will be busy. Then two minutes later she said: "OK then I'll try to ring you tomorrow and if you don't pick up, I'll know you're working". She really doesn't understand a thing I say. If I'm telling her I'll be busy tomorrow and won't be able to talk, there's no point in ringing me to check if I'm indeed busy. It's adding more stress on me and it's a huge lack of respect. I feel she wants to keep tabs on me as a 31 year old woman. It's hard for me to go from being an independent woman with no contact with her for 6 years to being monitored like this during my spare time. I work long hours and the last thing I want is to be monitored by someone I have zero affection for. 

I have a feeling setting some boundaries with her is going to prove to be difficult because she doesn't understand I've opened the lines of communication to sort my dad's affairs out and to keep an eye on my siblings, not because I want to re-establish a mother-daughter bond that never was to begin with. I don't understand how she can think for a split second that after 6 years of no contact, we'll suddenly become best friends. It doesn't work like that. My goal was to drop the calls to once a week, but I think it's going to be a difficult endeavor. 

The fact that she blamed me cutting her and my immediate family off as a "young people" mistake instead of actually taking accountability for her actions. I'm already fed up with her. I think I will set up a second phone number, switch all my business and personal contacts to the new one and let her ring this one. I'll turn it on/off according to my own schedule because I don't think she understand boundaries when I already want zero to do with her. 

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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Tell her after your dad’s affairs are settled that is the end of contact. Period. She hasn’t learned to take responsibility so you are finished. It didn’t take long at all to settle my stepdad’s affairs. His funeral arrangements were done in 2 hours. The life insurance my brother sent photos of the papers to the agent and done. And everything was left to my mom. 
 

Unless your siblings are under 18 they can all handle a lot of this. 

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What is stopping you from just not answering all of her calls? Guilt?

What do you think will happen if you just let her calls go to voicemail? I don't mean what will SHE do, but do you fear some kind of moral consequences if you don't take all of her calls?

You know, guilt doesn't benefit anyone. It doesn't help her and it surely doesn't help you.

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Posted (edited)
13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is stopping you from just not answering all of her calls? Guilt?

What do you think will happen if you just let her calls go to voicemail? I don't mean what will SHE do, but do you fear some kind of moral consequences if you don't take all of her calls?

You know, guilt doesn't benefit anyone. It doesn't help her and it surely doesn't help you.

Correct, pure guilt. I feel guilty letting her down during this difficult time. She will probably flip the tables around and say I'm the evil ungrateful daughter who stopped answering her calls when she needed me the most. I'm also worried my siblings might come after me and start harassing me the same way they sent me a ratty email when I refused to give money I didn't have. 

While I would have made an effort with her for my dad if he were still alive, any sense of obligation / affection towards her died when my dad died. I can't picture myself dealing with her for another 30 years until she passes.  Just because my dad died, it doesn't suddenly make her a good person. For proof, instead of slowly re-establishing a good relationship with me, she's already making demands and monitoring my spare time. I'm already sensing my morale going down the drain because every single evening around 5pm, I get a pit in my stomach as I know there's a call coming. If I go out for some air, I dread heading back to my apartment in the evening as I know she'll be calling.

I'm already contemplating self-harm at the thought of dealing with her for the rest of my life (I haven't thought about self-harm since I cut her off 6 years ago). I'm not exaggerating at all. All I think about is how I can escape her. 

I had originally planned to stay with her during my visit, but now I realize it's best I book a hotel room and stay there for the week. 

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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Are you currently under the care of a professional?

Contemplating self-harm is serious and requires treatment.

And seriously, so she would say bad stuff about you if you don't take all of her calls.  Then what?  How will that impact your employment, your relationships with your friends or anything else?  

Edited by boltnrun
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I'm hoping this helps. I had a family member who'd ring us constantly on the landline at the wee hours to mostly rant about who knows what. As soon as I was able to get a word in I calmly stated that it was too late to be ringing and I had to go. That was that. Whether my family member was offended at the time I don't know and don't care. I was not going to sit through an hour or more of pointless bickering and whatnot.

So, unless you have to—family gatherings, work, etc.—don't engage any longer than necessary with energy vampires. It's just not worth it.

Call her whenever you feel it's appropriate, like say twice a week. Then, limit when she's able to reach you. Mobile phones give you a plethora of options of how not to be contacted or disturbed by certain numbers.

She's grieving, so her wanting to contact you is understandable. Just remember that you call the shots. Also, as everyone deals with grief differently, some will lash out and be hurtful. Thinking of displacement or stress. It feels personal (may even be so), sure, but try not to focus on that. Instead use your energy on anything that'll help you unwind—walking, painting, writing, singing, etc.

What's your coping mechanism during this difficult time?

Edited by greendots
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17 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

 

I'm already contemplating self-harm at the thought of dealing with her for the rest of my life (I haven't thought about self-harm since I cut her off 6 years ago). I'm not exaggerating at all. All I think about is how I can escape her. 

I had originally planned to stay with her during my visit, but now I realize it's best I book a hotel room and stay there for the week. 

Ok sweetie...this is indeed concerning.  Are you under the care of someone?  If not, PLEASE reach out.  I know that MANY places (not sure where you live) have remote/virtual/zoom/on-line mental health services.  You should NEVER feel this way.

YOU are not responsible for your mother's actions.  YOU are not responsible for how she feels. You are not obligated to take  her phone calls and listen to her berate you!  YOU are not responsible for ANYONE else, other than yourself.  

I want you to just STOP...close your eyes...and think about your Dad.  What would your Dad want for you RIGHT NOW?  Would he want you thinking about hurting yourself?  Would he want you DREADING to return home for these phone calls of your VERY ABUSIVE Mother?  You KNOW he would not!

Do you know if your Dad had a Will?   IF he did, then the Estate will be probated according to his Will and the laws of where he lived.  As his daughter, I would come for his Funeral, because I know you want to say "goodbye".  I would ABSOLUTELY NOT stay with your Mother!  Get the Hotel room.  Since she harasses you THIS much from another country, staying in HER home would be a NIGHTMARE!

I would leave IMMEDIATELY after the Funeral.  You owe NO excuses to ANYONE.  Put back into place the 6-year "no contact" you had with her and count your Blessings.  Seriously.

People can only HURT you if you LET THEM.  YOU have ALL the control  Take it back honey...now.

Please think about all the good advice you have been given through out this entire thread.

Wishing you strength and peace.  (Please keep us posted on how you make out.)

All the best...

Edited by -CallingAllAngels
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Thank you, @boltnrun and @CallingAllAngels

No, I am not under the care of a professional though I have been looking for now. These thoughts started creeping back a few days ago and I haven't acted on them, but I do feel trapped and as though it is the only way out. I know I shouldn't think like this, but the mere presence of her in my life is downright triggering and get this sudden burst of rage internally that I have not experienced in 6 years. When she and I were no contact, I was the most calm / constant person you could ever meet and suddenly, I find myself having to refrain from smashing plates etc. This is scaring me, but I will certainly look for a therapist. You're right, my dad would not want me to hurt myself. I can now understand how he must have felt all these days trying to tolerate her despite her mental health imbalance and various shenanigans. 

As far as my dad's funeral goes - it already took place last week and because it wasn't enough that he passed away without me getting the chance to say goodbye, they repatriated his body to his home country and chose to bury it somewhere in the mountains in a spot that is not even an official cemetery. I can't even go and visit him on my own because the country is rather unsafe for women and I don't know a soul there. My only option is to either go with her (because no one else knows anyone there) or no go at all because I've only been there once as a young child. 

My dad did not have a will, but he left all his money and house to her anyways. She's the co-signer on the house and he would always transfer his money into their joint account. I will only be there to take of the administrative burden. My dad wasn't even gone one day that she already was talking about selling the house he worked so hard to buy. I'm not saying she is money-driven at all, but it came as a shock to me because my dad wasn't even buried yet that she was thinking about this. 

The worst part of it all is that as soon as I heard my dad had passed, I booked an immediate flight to fly out there to sort out his estate. I was due to fly a few days later. Then roughly three days after my dad had passed and I had already booked my flights, I overheard my sibling saying he couldn't taste and smell anything. I then asked her whether he had COVID and she said everyone in the house is healthy but he will get tested. Then, the following day, she tells me that my sister had already been tested positive for COVID the week prior and my brother had already been tested positive too. So she knew I was able to fly there and walk into a house riddled with COVID and she didn't think to protect me. When I asked about why she didn't tell me right away, she said that because I was so set on visiting them that she didn't want to disappoint me. Again, my fault not hers for putting my health in danger. I've had to postpone flying, but in the end, it was worth it because it gave me time to think more reasonably.  

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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If the worse thing that will happen if you don't take all of your mother's calls is you'll feel guilty, then why not just accept your guilty feelings? You can give yourself permission to feel the guilt without having to take her calls. 

Accepting things often results in peace.

Please do consult a professional asap to help you with your self harm issues.

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1 hour ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I do feel trapped and as though it is the only way out. I know I shouldn't think like this, but the mere presence of her in my life is downright triggering and get this sudden burst of rage internally that I have not experienced in 6 years. When she and I were no contact, I was the most calm / constant person you could ever meet and suddenly, I find myself having to refrain from smashing plates etc. This is scaring me, but I will certainly look for a therapist. You're right, my dad would not want me to hurt myself. I can now understand how he must have felt all these days trying to tolerate her despite her mental health imbalance and various shenanigans. 

This speaks VOLUMES...while it is sad that your Dad tolerated your Mother's behavior, it does NOT mean you have to just because he passed away.  I would cut off ALL ties with your Mom effective immediately.

1 hour ago, RuedeRivoli said:

My dad did not have a will, but he left all his money and house to her anyways. She's the co-signer on the house and he would always transfer his money into their joint account. I will only be there to take of the administrative burden.

I mean NO disrespect, but, dying without a Will is messy (at least here in The States...again...not sure where you or your Dad are from.)  But, without a Will, all assets usually go to the surviving spouse, unless otherwise specified.

 

1 hour ago, RuedeRivoli said:

The worst part of it all is that as soon as I heard my dad had passed, I booked an immediate flight to fly out there to sort out his estate. I was due to fly a few days later. Then roughly three days after my dad had passed and I had already booked my flights, I overheard my sibling saying he couldn't taste and smell anything. I then asked her whether he had COVID and she said everyone in the house is healthy but he will get tested. Then, the following day, she tells me that my sister had already been tested positive for COVID the week prior and my brother had already been tested positive too. So she knew I was able to fly there and walk into a house riddled with COVID and she didn't think to protect me. When I asked about why she didn't tell me right away, she said that because I was so set on visiting them that she didn't want to disappoint me.

 THIS is unbelievable, and, I think you should REALLY think about this.  Neither your Mother NOR your Sister disclosed to you that they tested POSTIVE for COVID because she didn't want to "disappoint" you?  BALONEY!  What would your Dad think of THAT?  As far as "sorting out his estate", while I know your intentions are good, everything will be left to your Mom unless otherwise specified.  It will do you MORE HARM than good.  You said she has LOTS of support...if she needs help to pack up the house, she has your siblings and others.  ALL she will do is berate you and make you sick.

 

1 hour ago, RuedeRivoli said:

As far as my dad's funeral goes - it already took place last week and because it wasn't enough that he passed away without me getting the chance to say goodbye, they repatriated his body to his home country and chose to bury it somewhere in the mountains in a spot that is not even an official cemetery. I can't even go and visit him on my own because the country is rather unsafe for women and I don't know a soul there.

While the COVID part was bad enough, I TRULY found this to be the SADDEST part.  She couldn't wait for you to fly to be at his funeral so you could say a proper goodbye?  Think about that.  This CERTAINLY was not honoring your father's wishes and she gave NO THOUGHT or CARE to how you would feel, or what your Dad would have wanted.

Again...I would NOT go.  There is NOTHING to "help" her do.  She has MANY people.  You are her punching bag.  Turn that 6 years of "no contact" into a LIFETIME of "no contact" with her.  

Remember...your Dad is ALWAYS with you.  He's in your HEART.  He lives on in you.  Don't let your mom destroy you.  

Block her number...on ALL your phones.  Be done with her.  Get your PEACE BACK.  

This whole situation is like an elevator that's going down, down, down.  BUT...YOU have the POWER to get off on ANY floor you want.  DON'T take the elevator all the way down.  Take your POWER BACK and get off now.  Again...your Dad would NOT want this for you.

My best...

Edited by -CallingAllAngels
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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If the worse thing that will happen if you don't take all of your mother's calls is you'll feel guilty, then why not just accept your guilty feelings? You can give yourself permission to feel the guilt without having to take her calls. 

Accepting things often results in peace.

Please do consult a professional asap to help you with your self harm issues.

Thank you, @boltnrun. Yes, I need to accept my guilty feelings. Oddly enough, I never felt an ounce of guilt when I initially cut her off 6 years ago. I think it's because the wounds were so fresh and I was so riled up that my own survival depended on getting her out of my life. I had two options at the time: getting her out of my life or ending my life. As soon as I had the opportunity to cut contact, I didn't wait a single second. For years, I never thought of her or even felt guilty. The guilty feelings are now coming up because I feel as though I'd disappoint my dad by cutting her off. Also, she suddenly said she's going to "spoil" me when I get there, so I think part of me is subconsciously hold on to this because it's what I wanted as a child and she never gave me. 

 

1 hour ago, -CallingAllAngels said:

This speaks VOLUMES...while it is sad that your Dad tolerated your Mother's behavior, it does NOT mean you have to just because he passed away.  I would cut off ALL ties with your Mom effective immediately.

I mean NO disrespect, but, dying without a Will is messy (at least here in The States...again...not sure where you or your Dad are from.)  But, without a Will, all assets usually go to the surviving spouse, unless otherwise specified.

 

 THIS is unbelievable, and, I think you should REALLY think about this.  Neither your Mother NOR your Sister disclosed to you that they tested POSTIVE for COVID because she didn't want to "disappoint" you?  BALONEY!  What would your Dad think of THAT?  As far as "sorting out his estate", while I know your intentions are good, everything will be left to your Mom unless otherwise specified.  It will do you MORE HARM than good.  You said she has LOTS of support...if she needs help to pack up the house, she has your siblings and others.  ALL she will do is berate you and make you sick.

 

While the COVID part was bad enough, I TRULY found this to be the SADDEST part.  She couldn't wait for you to fly to be at his funeral so you could say a proper goodbye?  Think about that.  This CERTAINLY was not honoring your father's wishes and she gave NO THOUGHT or CARE to how you would feel, or what your Dad would have wanted.

Again...I would NOT go.  There is NOTHING to "help" her do.  She has MANY people.  You are her punching bag.  Turn that 6 years of "no contact" into a LIFETIME of "no contact" with her.  

Remember...your Dad is ALWAYS with you.  He's in your HEART.  He lives on in you.  Don't let your mom destroy you.  

Block her number...on ALL your phones.  Be done with her.  Get your PEACE BACK.  

This whole situation is like an elevator that's going down, down, down.  BUT...YOU have the POWER to get off on ANY floor you want.  DON'T take the elevator all the way down.  Take your POWER BACK and get off now.  Again...your Dad would NOT want this for you.

My best...

I agree, dying without a will is complex and this is exactly what I told her. I'm in Europe. Everything is going to her (his retirement, the house, the remaining funds on the accounts, the cars). To be honest, I don't care that it all goes to her because I've zero interest in the estate from personal gain standpoint. She can't even sort any of the paperwork out and can't provide for my siblings the way my father did. My main worry now is the mortgage on their house. I'm flying all the way there to sort the mortgage out so that my siblings can keep a roof over their heads. 

In all fairness to my sister, she did not tell me about getting COVID because I don't have any direct contact with her. It's not her fault. All communication is routed through my mother. I have two sisters and when I ring one of them or the landline, my mother picks up when she sees my name. I haven't spoken directly to any of my siblings as she handles all communications. 

She could have indeed waited a week for me to fly over to see him in his coffin in "person" and then repatriate his body to his birth country afterwards. She said according to religious principles, she needed to bury him fast, so she sent his body to his birth country two days after his death. Mind you, my dad was urgently hospitalized for the first time in his life in September as he had blocked arteries and a weak heart and no one thought to call me to tell me. He was there for more than a week and three months later he was gone. They robbed me of an opportunity to make peace with him when they knew he was hanging on a thread. 

I think deep down inside my mom was always jealous of how much I loved my dad. I told him everything and we could speak for hours on end. He was my mentor and he understood me to an extent no ever has. I never had such relationship with her and I think she believes that now that my dad is gone, I'm more vulnerable and more susceptible to grow attached to her to compensate for my dad's absence. My siblings never knew why I cut her off in the first place. They always thought I became "too big for my boots". No one knows I needed to for my own survival. A few months before I moved out, I attempted to throw myself under a train and after a bystander brought me home, she said to me: "You know, the day you die, no one will care. People will probably care for a week or so and then move on". 

She was evil to say the very least and that's why I'm having such a hard time not imploding. Everything she says goes into one ear out the other. Her conversations are void of any purpose quite frankly. I don't need to have a 40 minutes conversation to hear what she ate for lunch / dinner and what she's planning on cooking tomorrow.

I actually asked yesterday her whether she knows about any hereditary heart conditions in the family because my dad's parents died in their 50s & early 60s and my dad died at 64. I want to get checked out in case. Then she said I should stop being "stupid" because my grandparents were healthy and it was just their time to pass. They were uneducated people who lived in the mountains and never went to the doctor. How would they know they were healthy? They died in their 50s and early 60s, so surely they weren't that healthy. She said my suspicions are "ridiculous" and "genetic transmission is ridiculous nonsense", "everyone is healthy". Sure, as healthy as when she hid the fact that my two siblings had COVID! 

I told her yesterday I wouldn't be speaking with her today and to be honest, that pit in my stomach isn't there this evening. I'm so mad destiny chose to take my precious dad away and leave me with her. 

Edited by RuedeRivoli
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