Jump to content

I'm not sure how to feel about it or her anymore


Recommended Posts

Wondering if anyone can help I am in a 3+ year relationship with my girlfriend and have now got a house and a mortgage with her. Things were seemingly going great but recently I discovered she told a lot of lies in the beginning about her past I’m not sure how to feel about it or her anymore. 
 

She did cheat on her last partner who was an older man who unfortunately died of cancer 8 months later, she also hid the fact she went to the hospital to see him & the funeral from me in the first year of our relationship, I have only just found out. 
 

He was old enough to be her dad, I’m not sure how I feel about the age gap and the fact she has cheated before on somebody.  Here’s where it gets messy she was still in contact with this old man via text & calls & the guy she cheated on him with, along with a few other men that she went on dates with in the very early stages of seeing me which I find hard to accept along with some of the choices she made which I don’t really feel comfortable with anymore, She also had four different dates with men in a very short period just before I met her via Facebook, as the guy she cheated with only used her so she was feeling needy & I think she used that as help. 

She says she wasn’t proud of dating an older man and didn’t want me to find out and also said that the guy she slept with immediately after was a mad moment & her relationship with older man was pretty much over at that point anyway as she hadn’t seen him in a long time but I’m not sure I believe this as she was still texting him occasionally in the early stages of seeing me. I think she also most likely had sex with the four men she dated but says she didn’t but but messages I have seen suggest she did.  

I feel like I don’t really know the person I thought I knew well anymore and I am kind of questioning the relationship as she didn’t seem to be over her previous relationships when we met and I find it strange that she dated somebody old enough to be her dad. She is nice looking girl and a really nice person but I feel like getting out with everything I know now as I find it weird and suspicious but the only problem is the mortgage I don’t know what to do I just don’t think I could see a future now?

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

40 minutes ago, chris9393 said:

I feel like I don’t really know the person I thought I knew well anymore and I am kind of questioning the relationship as she didn’t seem to be over her previous relationships when we met and I find it strange that she dated somebody old enough to be her dad.

As for her past, I feel some things need to be left alone ( as it's her past and possibly how she was just 'trying to cope', at that time...?

My concern presently, is she was not over her previous relationship when she met up with you.

But, it has been 3 yrs now?  Does she seem somewhat stable nowadays?

As for her involvement with such an older man, some will do that ( for reasons). to feel superior... or knowing they can fully rely on them - possibly financially.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I dunno, I think reflecting on her past should have been done before you got the house with her. Now, if its a mistake, its kinda an expensive one. Also, people rarely change. So if cheated and lied in the first year, chances are she is doing it even now. Even if she doesnt, your trust in her is gone. It wont really go well. You will get jealous, you already check out messages, its a big rabbit hole that you dig and will have a very hard time to stop. So decide if you want to trust her from now on or dig up more. But again, you probably wont like what you discover. 

As for the older guy, had an ex with, well, "daddy issues" who dated guy that could be her dad before me. She lost her dad young and said she was comfortable with older guy because he knew what he wanted and didnt try to prove himself. So, who knows what psychology is there. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, chris9393 said:

Wondering if anyone can help I am in a 3+ year relationship with my girlfriend and have now got a house and a mortgage with her. Things were seemingly going great but recently I discovered she told a lot of lies in the beginning about her past I’m not sure how to feel about it or her anymore. 
 

She did cheat on her last partner who was an older man who unfortunately died of cancer 8 months later, she also hid the fact she went to the hospital to see him & the funeral from me in the first year of our relationship, I have only just found out. 
 

He was old enough to be her dad, I’m not sure how I feel about the age gap and the fact she has cheated before on somebody.  Here’s where it gets messy she was still in contact with this old man via text & calls & the guy she cheated on him with, along with a few other men that she went on dates with in the very early stages of seeing me which I find hard to accept along with some of the choices she made which I don’t really feel comfortable with anymore, She also had four different dates with men in a very short period just before I met her via Facebook, as the guy she cheated with only used her so she was feeling needy & I think she used that as help. 

She says she wasn’t proud of dating an older man and didn’t want me to find out and also said that the guy she slept with immediately after was a mad moment & her relationship with older man was pretty much over at that point anyway as she hadn’t seen him in a long time but I’m not sure I believe this as she was still texting him occasionally in the early stages of seeing me. I think she also most likely had sex with the four men she dated but says she didn’t but but messages I have seen suggest she did.  

I feel like I don’t really know the person I thought I knew well anymore and I am kind of questioning the relationship as she didn’t seem to be over her previous relationships when we met and I find it strange that she dated somebody old enough to be her dad. She is nice looking girl and a really nice person but I feel like getting out with everything I know now as I find it weird and suspicious but the only problem is the mortgage I don’t know what to do I just don’t think I could see a future now?

 

Well, if you know there's no future ahead, don't tarry. Prolonging it will be worse in the long run. Speak to a lawyer about your options on the property.

I don't think it's going to do you any good envisioning her with an older man if that makes you uncomfortable or getting too embroiled in her previous dating life. Decide whether your feelings have changed and whether you'd like to move on and do what you have to do.

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can see why she didn't want to get you involved about the old guy. He was her BF, they did share something together at one time regardless of age. He was sick with cancer and dying...that's pretty heavy. Nothing wrong with a visit or two, and to pay her respects. Not sure if you would have been understanding enough, so I can see her end of it, not that I'm dismissing how you feel. As for what she did before you, is none of your business. She's an adult, she can sleep with as many men as she wants, doesn't make her a horrible person..enough with the $%^& shaming. As for her cheating on him, well I would be wary yes.

Anywho, if it's bugging ya call her out on it and discuss it. Yes some people are untrustworthy, and some people make mistakes, and move on from them. It's up to you to decide after that conversation with her.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, chris9393 said:

She did cheat on her last partner who was an older man who unfortunately died of cancer 8 months later, she also hid the fact she went to the hospital to see him & the funeral from me in the first year of our relationship, I have only just found out. 
 

in the very early stages of seeing me which I find hard to accept

Sorry this is happening. While the secrecy and lying is not good, you'll have to pick your battles since you're stuck in a house together for now. 

For example, all of this is in the past. She never cheated on you as these interactions were "in the early stages".

As far as the late BF, it sounds like she uncomfortable telling you she was saying her last goodbyes.

As far as older men? Well you knew about that all along.

How are you getting along in general? What prompted you to dig back this far into her past and go into her messages?

Is she good to you? Loyal to you? You are talking about stuff that came prior to you being a couple so it's interesting that after buying a place she's now a problem for you.

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How on earth did all this come out just now? Why are you reading her messages from years ago? 

I have to echo @smackie9 in that I can see how she did not tell you about seeing the ex who was dying from cancer or going to his funeral as you are extremely judgmental. Shamefully so really. If you want people to be honest with you, then you have to be able to handle the truth with grace and make the person feel safe to tell the truth. As for her capacity to cheat, that would leave me cold.

That said, you've known her for 3 years now - rather than looking at her past, how has your relationship been all this time? Judge her for who she is today.

Anyway, if this has poisoned your view to an extreme and you can't continue, then either one of you buys the other one out OR sell the house and split the proceed. The housing market is on fire, so shouldn't be too hard to get rid of the house and part ways.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...