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Divorced and want to make things right


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She is incapable of calling the gym? She doesn't know how to find the number? Or did she expect you to pay for the gym membership for her and her paramour?

I hope you didn't offer to pay.

Right now you are acting like a lovesick doormat. I hope you understand that doormats do not inspire respect. And with no respect there can be no love.

Please stop humiliating yourself by begging for her to take you back. Find your self respect. Treat yourself like the man of value you really are.

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You got the same responses here that you did on another relationship forum, that thread which you started 2 weeks ago is now over 7 pages long.

Literally everyone who responded on this forum and the other has told you to stop giving her money, stop begging her for another chance, and communicate only about things that directly pertain to the children.

Did you expect something different?

On this thread, as on the other you state that you are no longer giving her money over and above court ordered child support, however here you neglected to mention that you have been out of work, with no money and a broken down car that you can't afford to fix. But you expect to be back to work soon, and back in the green, and your ex knows this.

It matters. Leaving relevant information out of your posts won't help you.

Did you pay for her gym membership renewal?

Edited by gamon
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1 hour ago, gamon said:

You got the same responses here that you did on another relationship forum, that thread which you started 2 weeks ago is now over 7 pages long.

Literally everyone who responded on this forum and the other has told you to stop giving her money, stop begging her for another chance, and communicate only about things that directly pertain to the children.

Did you expect something different?

On this thread, as on the other you state that you are no longer giving her money over and above court ordered child support, however here you neglected to mention that you have been out of work, with no money and a broken down car that you can't afford to fix. But you expect to be back to work soon, and back in the green, and your ex knows this.

It matters. Leaving relevant information out of your posts won't help you.

Did you pay for her gym membership renewal?

Forgive me for being repetitive with these posts, I just have held so much in for so long and haven't really talked to or vented to anyone. I have basically had her in my ear this whole time making me feel like I have something to prove. 

The car is still broke down and the mechanics said they had to order parts directly from GM so it should be ready in a week or two. I go back to work on Monday. She is very much aware of this, but being honest she has only asked for child support once I go back. 

I did not offer to pay her gym membership. Her and I were on a family plan together and when we got separated we both stopped going and they cancelled our memberships. Now, the gym is offering $1 sign ups and no fees until February and it's the best gym around so we are both re-joining. I, however, as mentioned am moving two hours away from where we currently live in hopes to start over. 

I'm going to reply to each person. 

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Warning harsh slap upside the head below.....

Just curious, OP, while you are wallowing in a puddle of self pity and begging for your ex back and she is busy banging the new guy, who is being a parent to your kids? Please don't you dare say that she is a great mother, because great mothers don't cheat on their family and don't blow up their marriage for a piece of new sausage. They also don't just bring a guy they were cheating on their father with and dump him on the kids and expect everyone to play happy family.

Dude, you've got to get your head out of your arse. Enough already. You are divorced and for good reason. Unfortunately, the woman you married and bred with turned out to be a zero character ho and that's putting it politely. Time to face that and move on. 

Stop talking to her and being her panzy. The day you got divorced, she stopped being your problem. Her gym membership is not your problem to fix. Nothing about her or her life or who she is banging or how that's going is any problem of yours anymore. For the love of, stop confusing a callous bimbo using you and playing you for caring. She doesn't care. If she did, she'd have worked on her marriage with you or asked for a divorce because you've grown apart too much, but instead, she cheated on you. Find some self respect and stop pandering to a low life cheater. You didn't make her cheat - she chose to because she doesn't have any character or basic decency to speak of. It's all about her and what she wants and to heck with everyone else - you and the children are just collateral damage easily written off in her mind.

My advice to you is to take a huge step back, stop talking to your ex and give yourself time to clear your head and get it screwed on straight. You have to give yourself time to process and right now you are borderline obsessed with getting your ex back without stopping to think at all about the ramifications of what she has done to you and your children and who she is today. This is not about what you thought yesterday, this is about you needing to process who she is today and changing some of your perceptions drastically. You can't do that when you keep talking to her and being her errand boy.

In terms of kids, please get a parenting app and schedule everything through it and stop talking to her completely except through the app and strictly about the children. Focus on yourself and your kids. Be the sane parent for them and be sure that they have proper support, including counseling. They are damaged by her actions even more than you are, so be sure that they have someone to turn to and vent, not to mention at least one reliable parent, which is you.

What I don't understand is - she's only going to get the child support amount anyway, so what does she have to lose by telling the truth here? If she does love him and want to marry him, then why deny it? I have no say in anything unless she just doesn't want to get embarrassed if we would go back to court over anything and all her lies come out this time. 

The kids are on a somewhat normal schedule for now. She drops them off on Thursday evenings and works Friday-Sunday and gets them again Monday morning when she gets off work. I have them Friday-Sunday and she has them Monday-Thursday; with us splitting Monday and Thursday. 

She is basically trying to paint the image that she is just having fun for now and wants to maybe come back eventually and she doesn't want to rule out being together again. Of course, she's lied about everything else though even considering that she's telling the truth here would be foolish of me. 

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9 minutes ago, NightOwl said:

What I don't understand is - she's only going to get the child support amount anyway, so what does she have to lose by telling the truth here? If she does love him and want to marry him, then why deny it? I have no say in anything unless she just doesn't want to get embarrassed if we would go back to court over anything and all her lies come out this time. 

The kids are on a somewhat normal schedule for now. She drops them off on Thursday evenings and works Friday-Sunday and gets them again Monday morning when she gets off work. I have them Friday-Sunday and she has them Monday-Thursday; with us splitting Monday and Thursday. 

She is basically trying to paint the image that she is just having fun for now and wants to maybe come back eventually and she doesn't want to rule out being together again. Of course, she's lied about everything else though even considering that she's telling the truth here would be foolish of me. 

First off is drop the idea that a cheater will ever tell the truth about anything or be honest or straightforward about anything. Hell will freeze over before that happens.

As for why she is doing what she is doing? That's quite simple and it's called triangulating. She has you jumping to do her bidding and vying for her attention and begging for her back AND she is using that to keep lover boy in line and also jumping up and down to please her. You are literally helping her with her lover. Basically she has both of you tripping over yourselves pick me dancing for her "greatness". She is manipulating you with the vague idea that she might return and manipulating him with the fear that she might go back and you are both like two fish swallowing the bs bait. In reality, she couldn't care less about either of you. This whole game strokes her ego to no end and is all about her. Nothing to do with love or caring. Realize that she will never end it because it suits her too well. It's YOU who needs to snap out of this and stop humiliating yourself playing this bs game. Your love and feelings are genuine, hers are not or not anymore.

YOU need to step out of this insanity. That means get the parenting app. Use it religiously. Do not speak to her at all outside of the app and keep it strictly about the kids. The app is also useful in terms of documenting exactly what's going, whether the children are picked up/dropped off on time, whether she is changing the schedule around or shirking responsibilities. Basically, it protects you should things take a turn and you find yourself in court again over child custody. Even more importantly, it will give you the desperately needed mental break and distance from her so you can start healing and start seeing her for who she is today. I know that's hard because she is not who you thought you married and you need to get used to the new reality and start seeing her as she is now.

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12 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

First off is drop the idea that a cheater will ever tell the truth about anything or be honest or straightforward about anything. Hell will freeze over before that happens.

As for why she is doing what she is doing? That's quite simple and it's called triangulating. She has you jumping to do her bidding and vying for her attention and begging for her back AND she is using that to keep lover boy in line and also jumping up and down to please her. You are literally helping her with her lover. Basically she has both of you tripping over yourselves pick me dancing for her "greatness". She is manipulating you with the vague idea that she might return and manipulating him with the fear that she might go back and you are both like two fish swallowing the bs bait. In reality, she couldn't care less about either of you. This whole game strokes her ego to no end and is all about her. Nothing to do with love or caring. Realize that she will never end it because it suits her too well. It's YOU who needs to snap out of this and stop humiliating yourself playing this bs game. Your love and feelings are genuine, hers are not or not anymore.

YOU need to step out of this insanity. That means get the parenting app. Use it religiously. Do not speak to her at all outside of the app and keep it strictly about the kids. The app is also useful in terms of documenting exactly what's going, whether the children are picked up/dropped off on time, whether she is changing the schedule around or shirking responsibilities. Basically, it protects you should things take a turn and you find yourself in court again over child custody. Even more importantly, it will give you the desperately needed mental break and distance from her so you can start healing and start seeing her for who she is today. I know that's hard because she is not who you thought you married and you need to get used to the new reality and start seeing her as she is now.

I'm a little conflicted when it comes to their relationship. The kids say that she has mentioned for them not to talk about me much in front of them. I also bought them a puppy a while back and she told them not to tell him I bought the puppy because "then he wouldn't like it". I confronted her about it and she said it was embarrassing to her that I bought it and made it look like she doesn't have the means to buy her own kids a dog. Doesn't make sense since he sees everything else she buys. 

According to her, he's a lap dog that could care less what she does. He isn't the tad bit jealous of anything and no matter how much he sees her and I talk he has complete faith in her commitment to him and never even asks a single question. This is supposedly after he witnessed her cheat on me during marriage with him and has seen proof of nudes she has sent me as little as a month and a half ago. She also says he's completely in love with her and she's "not that into him" and he's obsessed with her.

I kind of get the feeling she is the one seeking his approval because apparently he isn't allowed to know I help her financially and she keeps her house spotless when he's around and that's something she has never ever done. According to her, she was so miserable with me that she couldn't force herself to clean but she's "happy now" and that's why the sudden change. 

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2 minutes ago, NightOwl said:

he's a lap dog that could care less what she does.

As kindly as possible, he's not the only one who's a lapdog who doesn't care what she does.

Again, acting like that is not attractive and does not inspire love. But I doubt your ex wife is looking for a true love match. She's got it made with two men vying desperately for her attention. She has no reason or motivation to do one thing differently.

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...yeah I give up.... You are willfully ignoring all the advice while providing case in point evidence of her using and playing you and him like the total fools you are and yet....you insist on hanging on and being "confused". There is nothing confusing about the fact that you are divorced and that she was cheating on you....like literally fck'ing another man in your home in your marital bed. How does that not disgust you?

Maybe try chumplady.com and read through the blog and hopefully something will start sinking in for you eventually.

I'll just second that this whiny pathetic doormat thing is really unattractive. Nobody can help you if you aren't willing to help yourself.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As kindly as possible, he's not the only one who's a lapdog who doesn't care what she does.

Again, acting like that is not attractive and does not inspire love. But I doubt your ex wife is looking for a true love match. She's got it made with two men vying desperately for her attention. She has no reason or motivation to do one thing differently.

I know as long as I let this go on nothing is going to change. She is literally getting the best of both worlds and I'm allowing it. Fear of the boogeyman has me sleeping with a light on in this situation. I fear if I do walk away, then she's going to end up getting engaged/married or even have a kid with this guy. She swears she won't ever marry him but she's also repeatedly said that she would never date him or do anything with him and those turned out to be lies. '

I remember when she told me they were official, I begged her not to post it on Facebook because then everyone on earth would be calling me to tell me about it and she swore she wouldn't and guess what? IT WAS ALREADY POSTED. A week later she said she'd never put him in her profile picture then guess what? He was on there and even a picture with him and my kids like he was their damn stepfather or something. 

Now keep in mind all of this information - living together (even though she says they're not he just 'comes over a lot'), all over each others facebook, divorcing me when she met him, kids playing together constantly, all of this and the relationship is "not serious" and "will not last". I tell her that it's wrong the way the kids were introduced to this nonsense and she says "well it's already been done and they're fine until you put it in their heads that he's the reason we got divorced". 

This girl literally BLAMES ME for our divorce. Why? I would tell her occasionally to find someone else. She forgets that the reason I said this to her was she wished death on me near constantly. She wouldn't allow me to miss work when I was too sick to stand because she was obsessed with money and then when she found someone new she manipulated me into continuing to take care of bills because she knew he would never amount to anything. 

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2 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

...yeah I give up.... You are willfully ignoring all the advice while providing case in point evidence of her using and playing you and him like the total fools you are and yet....you insist on hanging on and being "confused". There is nothing confusing about the fact that you are divorced and that she was cheating on you....like literally fck'ing another man in your home in your marital bed. How does that not disgust you?

Maybe try chumplady.com and read through the blog and hopefully something will start sinking in for you eventually.

I'll just second that this whiny pathetic doormat thing is really unattractive. Nobody can help you if you aren't willing to help yourself.

I never ignored anything. I'm just venting. It's confusing to why someone would walk away from a good life to bring this much drama and aggravation. Before "they met" we had just moved into the house she was letting him live in. It was in a nice area, close to our jobs, plenty to do around it, big yard, beautiful home. We both had two new vehicles, our kids were all honor-roll students and active in every sport possible, I was even helping coach their teams. My job paid extremely well and provided insurance and her job was part-time and basically just for her to have some extra money and a career she can be proud of. The kids were extremely happy and all I ever asked for was to be treated with respect, appreciated, and maybe do a little bit around the house while I'm working 12 hours every day.

Instead, she is shacked up with a guy that barely makes above minimum wage that doesn't help her with any bills knowing she's paying everything alone, didn't get her anything for Christmas this year, told her she's foolish for buying our kids a lot, apparently stays whiny all the time if she snaps at him (which she will do a lot if she's the same person she was with me), and the biggest thing to me is... he KNEW she was a married woman with children and still came in to live with the kids and have extremely loud sex with them sleeping in the next room. He snuck around "hey, my husband was just here, come a little later tonight" and that isn't a red flag he is a selfish good for nothing pos? 

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4 minutes ago, NightOwl said:

I know as long as I let this go on nothing is going to change. She is literally getting the best of both worlds and I'm allowing it. Fear of the boogeyman has me sleeping with a light on in this situation. I fear if I do walk away, then she's going to end up getting engaged/married or even have a kid with this guy. She swears she won't ever marry him but she's also repeatedly said that she would never date him or do anything with him and those turned out to be lies. '

I remember when she told me they were official, I begged her not to post it on Facebook because then everyone on earth would be calling me to tell me about it and she swore she wouldn't and guess what? IT WAS ALREADY POSTED. A week later she said she'd never put him in her profile picture then guess what? He was on there and even a picture with him and my kids like he was their damn stepfather or something. 

Now keep in mind all of this information - living together (even though she says they're not he just 'comes over a lot'), all over each others facebook, divorcing me when she met him, kids playing together constantly, all of this and the relationship is "not serious" and "will not last". I tell her that it's wrong the way the kids were introduced to this nonsense and she says "well it's already been done and they're fine until you put it in their heads that he's the reason we got divorced". 

This girl literally BLAMES ME for our divorce. Why? I would tell her occasionally to find someone else. She forgets that the reason I said this to her was she wished death on me near constantly. She wouldn't allow me to miss work when I was too sick to stand because she was obsessed with money and then when she found someone new she manipulated me into continuing to take care of bills because she knew he would never amount to anything. 

And yet despite all this, just today you once again asked her to take you back. 

Where is your sense of self preservation? Where is your pride, your dignity and your self esteem?

You don't need to "walk away". She did that for you by lying, cheating and then divorcing you in favor of her live in lover. You finding your dignity and walking away for good would only benefit you. 

When are you going to get tired of her lies?

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As kindly as possible, he's not the only one who's a lapdog who doesn't care what she does.

Again, acting like that is not attractive and does not inspire love. But I doubt your ex wife is looking for a true love match. She's got it made with two men vying desperately for her attention. She has no reason or motivation to do one thing differently.

No offense taken. I don't disagree... but at least I do recognize it's an issue. Perhaps, he's getting all he cares about out of the situation and if she's sharing that with me in his mind he could care less? 

I told her a man that loves you will not sit back and watch you snap/text your ex-husband/baby daddy all the time and hear your kids talk about how y'all have talked about getting back together and him sit and not say a word. Apparently, he's in it for the wrong reasons. She likes this though because she sees him as an easy target to manipulate and cheat on. Where I stayed on her trail. 

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Just now, boltnrun said:

And yet despite all this, just today you once again asked her to take you back. 

Where is your sense of self preservation? Where is your pride, your dignity and your self esteem?

You don't need to "walk away". She did that for you by lying, cheating and then divorcing you in favor of her live in lover. You finding your dignity and walking away for good would only benefit you. 

When are you going to get tired of her lies?

I ask myself this a lot. The issue was never how much I loved her, but how little I loved myself. If you can't respect/love yourself enough to walk away from someone who does not consider your feelings at all, then the issue is how you view yourself and not how you view them. I let her belittle me for so many years it's almost a sad addiction to the unsatisfaction she brings to my life. 

I know what the right thing to do is here. Walk away from her and co-parent with my kids with as little contact with her as possible, fix my health, my weight, save up a bunch of money since I'm not spoiling her now, go to work every day and spend time with my kids/in the gym, and once I'm right with who I am the right person will come along. Her though? She will continue a vicious cycle of getting off on a new high only for it to fade like dust in time and move onto something new because she is oblivious to the fact that the problem is her. 

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When are you going to realize SHE is a selfish good for nothing POS?

They both are. 

I still don't know how they met or when. They worked together years ago and she claims he said he remembered her but she didn't remember him. She talked a lot to one of his close friends back then (and that guy caused us a lot of trouble too back then). Back then though he was married and I am pretty sure she didn't cheat back then although I have the feeling she entertained the idea of it. 

Now, I'm assuming they started talking on Facebook around April. His story was that she added him and told him she was a single mom and lived alone. Her story is that he added her and knowing she was married still messaged her for her snap and began talking to her every day asking her to come visit him. 

Honestly, I kind of believe him, but considering she has silenced him somehow I guess I'll never know. 

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