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I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, but my wife and I had been married for eleven years. This past year of 2021, she decided she wanted a divorce. At first, she told me we needed it for closure because our marriage had consisted of a lot of arguing. I think the arguing was because we got married at a young age and hadn't really grown up yet. We didn't ever get violent with each other, cheat or anything; we just mostly argued over silly stuff. I know her family hated me from day one and that's one large issue. Another issue was I nagged a lot because she wouldn't do much around the house and would get mad if I bought anything but she could buy anything and I was the only one that worked full-time. 

Fast forward to this year though and she started acting strange. I won't go into much detail but I found out she had been seeing someone on the side and lying about it. It started around April or May. June is when she decided she wanted a divorce. The guy knew we were married but claimed he didn't know when I first confronted him. I moved out of our house before I knew there was anything going on and basically as soon as I left the landlord told me the guy had been staying with her a lot. She kept telling me we weren't done for good and I needed to keep paying the bills there and it would prove to her I cared about her. I've spent the last six-seven months trying every way I know how to convince her to give me another shot. Even our oldest son is resenting her from lying so much and forcing her boyfriend on them. We have been divorced for barely two months and the guy she cheated with already lives with them and doesn't pay a single bill. She still comes to me constantly for money though. 

I know this doesn't make sense to a lot you, but I kind of get it. I took her virginity when she was 17. She only had been sexual with one other guy during a breakup of ours and it wasn't much of an experience either. She never really got to experience anything with anyone else. The guy she's with now looks similar to me when we first got started. Since we got married, I have put on a lot of weight and did at one point stop taking care of myself. I became very unattractive at the end of our marriage. I just kind of gave up on myself. She found a guy straight out of another divorce that was similar to me in terms of same skin one, hair color, eye color, similar build (my build back then that is) and now she's all in on him. 

They have moved extremely fast. I mean he lives there pretty much (not officially but he never goes home), they have tons of sex (more than we had the last few years), and get along pretty good from what she says. But he's lazy, he's a pushover, he has kept himself up, and it's something new to her. No one in the world understands why I'd want to fight for someone like that but I do. She's the love of my life and mother of my children. I know she cheated and I know she did wrong, but I wasn't innocent either. I said things and done things I wish I could take back. I've spent every moment since then fighting for her. I think I've fought so hard though that it's pushed her away a lot. 

The situation now is this - she's dating the guy publicly, but she swears it's going nowhere and she knows it won't last. "I'm just having fun right now" she says. She even told my son she was going to break up with the guy, but she said she needs to do it because she wants to and not because anyone else wants her to. She says she will get there, but she's not there right now. She said she doesn't know how long it will take - months even a year or so, but she's certain that she would never marry him or have a long-term relationship with him. She says he's a man child with a childish and whiny personality and that he won't work and doesn't believe in spending money like she does. She makes good money herself, but where I used to be in the driver seat in our marriage and was the head of finances and the big income, she says she feels like she's in more control with him and likes it for now. 

My downfall is that I've held on a little too tight. I'm constantly bugging her about working it out. If she will ever want to get back together, etc. She says she doesn't want to work it out right now, but hasn't ruled it out in the future. She says she's certain there's no future with him, but feels that if we got back together it would be permanent and she doesn't want anything permanent right now. She says I push her away begging all the time and questioning her about him and stuff. She said I need to learn how to respect boundaries and walk away and when and if she's ready to fix things, she will let me know. 

So my question is... if I fix myself - continue losing the weight (I've dropped 50 lbs since June, but need to lose about 50-60 more), start taking care of myself the way I did back then, keep working hard and just give her her space and time.. I wonder if she will realize how much I must love her to put in all this effort to get her back? I wonder if she will start to miss me once I'm gone. I know every time I've tried walking away - blocking her numbers, blocking her on social media, etc. she finds some form of way to contact me and tells me that she misses talking to me. Here recently she seems more and more distant but I think it's more problems with him than anything else. They've barely been official for a month and haven't even been "seeing each other" but for six months and it seems there's a lot of arguing and the only reason they are in it is sex. 

What do you guys think? If I walk away, will she eventually come around? I know I have changes to make myself, but I really miss her and want my family back together. I don't like alternating holidays and shifts with kids and they don't like it either. She apparently hasn't ruled it out. Part of me wonders if she's just having the fun right now she didn't get to have when we were younger or if she truly loves the guy and is uncertain of his feelings for her or something. She tells me she's sure she don't love him but my son told me she tells the guy she loves him all the time. 

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She's telling you what you want to hear so you'll keep giving her money and paying all the bills.

Good for you for making improvements on yourself, but do them for you and your kids, not for an ex wife who already proved she lies and is unfaithful.

BTW, it's not your fault she chose to lie and cheat. She decided to do that all on her own.

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Just now, boltnrun said:

She's telling you what you want to hear so you'll keep giving her money and paying all the bills.

Good for you for making improvements on yourself, but do them for you and your kids, not for an ex wife who already proved she lies and is unfaithful.

BTW, it's not your fault she chose to lie and cheat. She decided to do that all on her own.

Agree for the most part. What do you think the chances are her new relationship lasts? It really bothers me she's the person I always wanted her to be with him. She cleans house, pays bills, doesn't nag him, wants him around, etc. Is it because it's new or was I just not good enough to bring that side out in her? 

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39 minutes ago, NightOwl said:

She kept telling me we weren't done for good and I needed to keep paying the bills there and it would prove to her I cared about her

Your wife is a leech. She dangles you around her little finger while she has moved on with her lover the day after you left. You are talking how she will never be serious about the guy, she literally moved in with him. She is telling you all that stuff not because she cares, but because you provide money. If you want her back all you have to do is to cut her incomes. Pretty sure that would make her reconsider some stuff lol. Like this, she is only using you. While she moved in another guy in your own home.

Also, why would you even want somebody like that back? She cheated(OK you said you werent exactly innocent too) but she also doesnt really care about you and is using you and manipulating for money. On top of that you have kids, and she moved in another guy the second you got out of the home. Not only she doesnt think about your best interests, she doesnt think about kids best interests either. 

Best you can do is trully move on. You are divorced, so joint custody, paying allimony and taking care of kids is fine. Other then that, cut her off. That means no talks of going back together or anything else other then kids. She can pay her own bills and her own stuff, that is not your concern. Focus on yourself. You said that you need to lose weight, do that, that is never a bad thing. Try to go out, hang out with people. Enjoy life outside marriage. And forget about somebody who clearly doesnt seem to care about your well being. 

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6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Your wife is a leech. She dangles you around her little finger while she has moved on with her lover the day after you left. You are talking how she will never be serious about the guy, she literally moved in with him. She is telling you all that stuff not because she cares, but because you provide money. If you want her back all you have to do is to cut her incomes. Pretty sure that would make her reconsider some stuff lol. Like this, she is only using you. While she moved in another guy in your own home.

Also, why would you even want somebody like that back? She cheated(OK you said you werent exactly innocent too) but she also doesnt really care about you and is using you and manipulating for money. On top of that you have kids, and she moved in another guy the second you got out of the home. Not only she doesnt think about your best interests, she doesnt think about kids best interests either. 

Best you can do is trully move on. You are divorced, so joint custody, paying allimony and taking care of kids is fine. Other then that, cut her off. That means no talks of going back together or anything else other then kids. She can pay her own bills and her own stuff, that is not your concern. Focus on yourself. You said that you need to lose weight, do that, that is never a bad thing. Try to go out, hang out with people. Enjoy life outside marriage. And forget about somebody who clearly doesnt seem to care about your well being. 

She did let him pretty much stay at my house constantly. I don't think it ever stopped. I moved back in and then I told her she needed to leave and she went and got an apartment and the next thing you know he's there 24/7 now. She says he is just temporary, but Idk. He doesn't make enough money to satisfy her though I know that for certain. She does make good money though. I have a feeling she will get tired of him mooching off her eventually, but I guess by being a sugar daddy all I'm doing is making his life easier. 

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12 minutes ago, NightOwl said:

Agree for the most part. What do you think the chances are her new relationship lasts? It really bothers me she's the person I always wanted her to be with him. She cleans house, pays bills, doesn't nag him, wants him around, etc. Is it because it's new or was I just not good enough to bring that side out in her? 

It has nothing to do with you  not being "good enough". This guy is her shiny new toy and she wants him to stick around.

Will it last? I have no way of knowing. All I can go by is what you've told us, which is she lied, had an affair, moved this man in with her practically the second you divorced and is using you for money. Nothing you've written leads me to believe this is a woman who is interested in reviving your marriage.

I'm glad you're getting healthier. That can only benefit you. Focus on your kids and your own family and friends.

Edited by boltnrun
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When she told me I needed to pay the bills there, that was because she wasn't working full-time at the time. She was only working one day per week. Now she works (3) 12 hour shifts which is considered full-time because she works at a hospital. When we were married, she didn't even have to work. Now she's the main income between the two of them. Sad thing is I think he gave his apartment up. 

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

It has nothing to do with you  not being "good enough". This guy is her shiny new toy and she wants him to stick around.

Will it last? I have no way of knowing. All I can go by is what you've told us, which is she lied, had an affair, moved this man in with her practically the second you divorced and is using you for money. Nothing you've written leads me to believe this is a woman who is interested in reviving your marriage.

I'm glad you're getting healthier. That can only benefit you. Focus on your kids and your own family and friends.

I don't know why I feel that way, but I guess I feel like me gaining weight and not trying as hard with my appearance really made her lose interest in me. I did work 12 hour shifts though 5-6 days per week and on top of that I did a lot of things around the house - cleaning, yard work, vehicle maintenance, etc. 

There at the end of the marriage we were going to the gym together. He's a lot slimmer than me and taller and I think that's what her whole thing was. He's still very lazy and for that reason I'm not sure she will tolerate it very long. At the same time, I worry that she never really loved me and that's why she became obsessed with money and her love for him will outweigh his issues for her. 

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She used to tell me all the time she wishes I'd run off a cliff or something. I'd respond with "well if that's how you feel why don't you just find someone else then?" Apparently, that's why she cheated. She kept saying "I just did what you told me to do". She seems to forget I said that because it really bothered me that she constantly told me to go die. 

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1 minute ago, NightOwl said:

She used to tell me all the time she wishes I'd run off a cliff or something. I'd respond with "well if that's how you feel why don't you just find someone else then?" Apparently, that's why she cheated. She kept saying "I just did what you told me to do". She seems to forget I said that because it really bothered me that she constantly told me to go die. 

And despite this you still want her back?

She doesn't stop being the mother of your children just because you're not married to her anymore. You can still respect her as your kids' mother. You don't have to remarry her.

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Just now, boltnrun said:

And despite this you still want her back?

She doesn't stop being the mother of your children just because you're not married to her anymore. You can still respect her as your kids' mother. You don't have to remarry her.

Things weren't always that way. Things took a really nasty turn at some point. When I talk to her she tells me she doesn't know what she wants, just that she's having fun at the moment. She says she wants to be with him for now but he's no one she would marry. I guess my big plan was - get back in tip top shape, cut off the free handouts, move on with my life, and at that point she will realize she gave up on me way too soon. 

I will say this - I do believe this divorce was necessary. I took for granted a lot of things when we were married.. like seeing my kids every day, being married to her (I didn't realize how much I loved her until she was gone), what it feels like to be alone. I would have never started caring about my health and appearance again had I not lost everything. I literally prayed for my eyes to be opened up and to appreciate the things I didn't appreciate back then. I feel like she went about things the WRONG way completely, and the fact that she waited until she had a replacement to leave just shows her own insecurities that she can't be alone. 

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No you don’t need to pay her bills you need to pay what the court ordered for your child care payment. If your children need more take them out and buy it when they are with you. 
 

If she doesn’t have enough money and can’t pay her bills and moved in a leech and can’t even consider her children in any of this you need to go back to court and ask for custody. 

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I think a lot of you guys are misunderstanding me. She asked me to continue paying bills back when we were just separated. This was when she wasn't working full time. She hasn't asked me to pay her bills now. She asks for the child support and that's really all now. 

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Be the best dad you can be for your kids. Make sure they are well cared for and don’t worry about a cheater. Tell her to only communicate by email and only about the kids , period. Don’t think she wouldn’t do it again if you got back together? Sure she would. 

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3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

I moved out of our house before I knew there was anything going on and basically as soon as I left the landlord told me the guy had been staying with her a lot. She kept telling me we weren't done for good and I needed to keep paying the bills there and it would prove to her I cared about her. I've spent the last six-seven months trying every way I know how to convince her to give me another shot.

Shouldn't this be the other way around? Where she would be trying to convince you she's worthy.

Instead, SHE's been cheating, SHE has ben totally relying on you and has been nothing more than a negative relationship on you.

3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

but I kind of get it. I took her virginity when she was 17. She only had been sexual with one other guy during a breakup of ours and it wasn't much of an experience either. She never really got to experience anything with anyone else.

This is still no excuse to cheat! I was with my ex for almost 10 yrs before we split.  Neither one of us had a yearning to cheat. ( met at 18).

 

3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

The situation now is this - she's dating the guy publicly, but she swears it's going nowhere and she knows it won't last. "I'm just having fun right now" she says.

Ahh, so she is messing you both up?  How nice  😕 .

Often, they are full of it, in order to keep you around as long as possible, to you know.. pay the bills.

 

3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

My downfall is that I've held on a little too tight. I'm constantly bugging her about working it out. If she will ever want to get back together, etc. She says she doesn't want to work it out right now, but hasn't ruled it out in the future. She says she's certain there's no future with him, but feels that if we got back together it would be permanent and she doesn't want anything permanent right now. She says I push her away begging all the time and questioning her about him and stuff. She said I need to learn how to respect boundaries and walk away and when and if she's ready to fix things, she will let me know. 

Okay, yeah enough of this!  You need to learn self respect.  And back off, totally.  IF she was into you she would be with you.  Never beg or chase for attention.

 

3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

So my question is... if I fix myself - continue losing the weight (I've dropped 50 lbs since June, but need to lose about 50-60 more), start taking care of myself the way I did back then, keep working hard and just give her her space and time.. I wonder if she will realize how much I must love her to put in all this effort to get her back? I wonder if she will start to miss me once I'm gone.

No, just leave all alone now.  Don't give her anything!  She lost you when she decided to cheat/ lie and divorce you.

An ex may 'miss you', but does not mean they want to be with you.

 

3 hours ago, NightOwl said:

I know I have changes to make myself, but I really miss her and want my family back together. I don't like alternating holidays and shifts with kids and they don't like it either. She apparently hasn't ruled it out. Part of me wonders if she's just having the fun right now she didn't get to have when we were younger or if she truly loves the guy and is uncertain of his feelings for her or something. She tells me she's sure she don't love him but my son told me she tells the guy she loves him all the time. 

Okay, so you turn your focus onto YOU now, that's it.  Stop giving her attention. If you want to work on yourself, then do that.  ( But not for her).

If you two are no split up, visitation etc is now just how it is...so you all need to get used to it. ( I feel bad for the kids though, being exposed to such a mess). Is never easy on anyone when a family splits up, but they can learn how to adjust with some proper support.  ❤️ 

And no, this is not love from either end.  Not even sure she is able? ( except her own self love).

 

I highly suggest you just leave all alone and let her live it up now.  And focus on yourself & your kids.

It's rough but it will get better.. But, don't ruin yourself over some demeaning, selfish, messed up women, who's now actually your ex.... Give it time and TC of you & kids.

 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Shouldn't this be the other way around? Where she would be trying to convince you she's worthy.

Instead, SHE's been cheating, SHE has ben totally relying on you and has been nothing more than a negative relationship on you.

This is still no excuse to cheat! I was with my ex for almost 10 yrs before we split.  Neither one of us had a yearning to cheat. ( met at 18).

 

Ahh, so she is messing you both up?  How nice  😕 .

Often, they are full of it, in order to keep you around as long as possible, to you know.. pay the bills.

 

Okay, yeah enough of this!  You need to learn self respect.  And back off, totally.  IF she was into you she would be with you.  Never beg or chase for attention.

 

No, just leave all alone now.  Don't give her anything!  She lost you when she decided to cheat/ lie and divorce you.

An ex may 'miss you', but does not mean they want to be with you.

 

Okay, so you turn your focus onto YOU now, that's it.  Stop giving her attention. If you want to work on yourself, then do that.  ( But not for her).

If you two are no split up, visitation etc is now just how it is...so you all need to get used to it. ( I feel bad for the kids though, being exposed to such a mess). Is never easy on anyone when a family splits up, but they can learn how to adjust with some proper support.  ❤️ 

And no, this is not love from either end.  Not even sure she is able? ( except her own self love).

 

I highly suggest you just leave all alone and let her live it up now.  And focus on yourself & your kids.

It's rough but it will get better.. But, don't ruin yourself over some demeaning, selfish, messed up women, who's now actually your ex.... Give it time and TC of you & kids.

 

Why does it feel this way though? Why does it feel like she's going to have the happily ever after with a man that didn't even respect HER by moving in on her knowing she was a married woman. Now, when first confronted, he told me she approached him and told him she was single. 

I feel like she cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me, even made me think this was all my fault... and he will get the version of her that actually cleans, works, doesn't depend on him for everything, gives him every ounce of her, and he will never wake up wondering if he matters. 

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You need to realize she is not in the right frame of mind.. Not if she's messing up two guys.. running away from you, into the arms of another man, asking for divorce, etc.

It's like she is venting or on a rampage.

And even IF she were to okay things with you again, tell me how much you'd actually trust her again? ( most often, after a break up, there is so much damage done, it does not work out the 2nd time either).

And no, I can't see him getting a 'better version' either.  If they are already having fights about stuff, how can you see this working out for another 6 mos?  Eventually one will cave in.. get fed up ( especially if they both just rushed into this).

I have an ex sis in law who lived like this... I am pretty sure she will just keep rolling along with a few other guys until she realizes, no matter what, she's just not happy.

Either way, you cannot 'fix her', or make her come back.. and don't give in to her wants with you.  She's made her bed, let her lie in it.

 

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1 hour ago, NightOwl said:

. She asks for the child support and that's really all now. 

Ok. Get court ordered child support and an organized, consistent court ordered visitation/custody schedule.

Be the best dad you can be. Do not drag your kids into it. Do not ask them what's going on with her personal stuff.

Only communicate about the children. That's it.

Continue your health and fitness improvement plan. You're divorced. It's over. All you can do is move forward.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

You need to realize she is not in the right frame of mind.. Not if she's messing up two guys.. running away from you, into the arms of another man, asking for divorce, etc.

It's like she is venting or on a rampage.

And even IF she were to okay things with you again, tell me how much you'd actually trust her again? ( most often, after a break up, there is so much damage done, it does not work out the 2nd time either).

And no, I can't see him getting a 'better version' either.  If they are already having fights about stuff, how can you see this working out for another 6 mos?  Eventually one will cave in.. get fed up ( especially if they both just rushed into this).

I have an ex sis in law who lived like this... I am pretty sure she will just keep rolling along with a few other guys until she realizes, no matter what, she's just not happy.

Either way, you cannot 'fix her', or make her come back.. and don't give in to her wants with you.  She's made her bed, let her lie in it.

 

Someone else told me today it sounds like she's having a midlife crisis, but at our age, I think that's doubtful. Maybe just an identity issue or her ghosts from her childhood has come back to haunt her. Hell, I don't know I might have made life too easy for her and she got bored with it. 

She has been complaining about him lately being whiny and getting butthurt when she snaps at him. She also complains about his kids sometimes. She's told me twice already in the last week and a half she's made him cry. He's the type that just takes it and says nothing back though where I was the type that told her what she needed and did not want to hear and that's a lot of why she resents me. A narcissist never wants to hear they are wrong in anything. 

The big issue with my ex is also that she is not happy in general. I bet I've moved her to 3-4 different homes over the last ten years and it always starts out that she loves them and is so happy, then she finds some reason she wants to move. Same thing applies to vehicles after she has them for a while. I guess maybe she's like that with men too? She was obsessed with me until about 7-8 years into our marriage. She's lasted six months with this guy but I can see their downfall is faster than ours already if she's telling the truth. 

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10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Get court ordered child support and an organized, consistent court ordered visitation/custody schedule.

Be the best dad you can be. Do not drag your kids into it. Do not ask them what's going on with her personal stuff.

Only communicate about the children. That's it.

Continue your health and fitness improvement plan. You're divorced. It's over. All you can do is move forward.

Custody schedule is that she gets them when she's off and I get them when she works. She's supposed to be on a Fri-Sun schedule so that means I'll basically get them Thursday evening and she will pick them up Monday morning. It's like we each get 3 1/2 days a piece. My child support isn't very much because she has a big income too. 

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10 hours ago, NightOwl said:

Someone else told me today it sounds like she's having a midlife crisis, but at our age, I think that's doubtful. Maybe just an identity issue or her ghosts from her childhood has come back to haunt her.

Is it her saying this about her/your past or just you... You keep emphasizing the fact that you two got involved so young etc way back then...

 

10 hours ago, NightOwl said:

She has been complaining about him lately being whiny and getting butthurt when she snaps at him. She also complains about his kids sometimes. She's told me twice already in the last week and a half she's made him cry.

Did you ever think this is on HER?  She sounds toxic!

And why is she telling YOU all of this?  You two are now divorced and there's no boundaries.  The only thing you two need to talk about are kids.  No more.. Honestly, do you like to hear allll about her new BF?

10 hours ago, NightOwl said:

The big issue with my ex is also that she is not happy in general. I bet I've moved her to 3-4 different homes over the last ten years and it always starts out that she loves them and is so happy, then she finds some reason she wants to move.

Wow 😕 .. and this is all something you want back again?  Can you not admit she's made you feel lousy?  Used? etc

 

Keyword: Narcissist.  *Right there Problems*

IMO, you are damaged now and she has conditioned you.. you're like her puppet.  What you need now is 'less' or her in order to work on accepting what is & healing from someone like this.. And man, just stop all of this crap with her.  You need to learn to be stronger than this!  Seriously.

Consider some professional help to work through all of this damage with her.  Believe me, you do not want to be involved with anyone like this... think about it.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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So everything's not so perfect with the boyfriend. Apparently he's not really getting the "best her" after all.

Seems like par for the course with her.

Sure, she might accept you back if things blow up with the boyfriend. Until she finds the next boyfriend. Then it's goodbye to you again.

Don't let her use you. You're not a toy or a source of attention or a paycheck. You're worth more than that.

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She called when she got out of work this morning. She always calls me when she needs something instead of him for some reason. Her gym membership expired and she wanted me to call and talk to them about how she would renew it. I did and we talked on the phone until she got home (she gets off the phone when she gets home because he's there). 

I just was honest and told her how I felt. I told her I wanted a second shot and asked her if I would ever get one. She told me she doesn't know if I will ever get one or not because she doesn't know what she is going to want in the future, but at the time she doesn't want me but a lot of it is because I haven't had a conversation with her without reconciling being the main focus. 

She told me that he has zero chances of marrying her and that she could never be with him for a long time but is satisfied for the time being. She said she doubts the relationship will last a year but that's not to say it isn't possible. She did say that marriage and year(s) being plural is not possible and she doesn't see that changing. 

I spoke my peace and told her how I felt. I honestly feel at this point I've done all I could do to convince her that I want to make things right. At this point, I just need to get myself in order and put all my attention on the gym and getting my mental health back. I think at this point she has literally driven me crazy. 

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