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Need Advice on Guy I’ve been talking to


kar0941
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So I got out of a long term relationship last December. Over the summer I was hanging with my friends at our beach house. They have a group of guy friends from their hometown that I had met two summers ago but started hanging out more with everyone this past summer when I was single. Towards/middle end of the summer one of the guys said to a few of my friends that he was excited to see me the following weekend. That weekend comes & we exchange numbers and he kisses me. We slept in the same bed later that weekend but never went further than kiss. Two weekends later we are back at the beach and we hook up again. Then the last two weekends of the summer we hang out/hook up and sleep together every night. Summer ends and we start snap chatting every day, mostly all day. He lives about 1 hour away from me at home. We don’t see each other for a month but talk every day and then we see each other after a month and things are great. Things continue to be good, getting along really well, talking a lot (over snapchat) but no dates. 

 

I wasn’t really looking for anything serious so I didn’t think much about it. Middle of October we are all drinking together and the guy asks one of my friends if I see any red flags regarding him. Towards end of October/beginning of Nov I was hanging out with one of his best friends (he wasn’t there) who asked what’s going on with us and said that the guy has never been in a relationship and might need to be pushed to make more of a move, which I said wasn’t really my style. I do know that he deals with anxiety and some mental health issues.  
 

So things continued how they were, snap chatting throughout the day/or mostly after the work day was over. Then in December, he moved to the same city as me, about a 10 min drive away. Since then we’ve seen each other every weekend (still not on a date) but him and his roommate will come over and then he’ll stay at my place the whole night or he’s invited me to his place. When he stays over it’s super comfortable and we have a great time and he stays in the morning to talk.

 

We were together for NYE where we kissed at midnight and then he stayed over again. While we were going to bed he joked around that he doesn’t get a lot of girls and I probably get a lot of guys. I was drunk so kinda just laughed it off and didn’t continue the conversation. Since that night he’s been a lot more distant and I feel like vibes are off. It’s only been a few days but we haven’t talked much and when we do it just feels kinda bland. I like him and I want to keep talking and seeing each other and maybe go on a date but I’m not sure if i’m reading into this too much or if he’s actually interested?

 

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Well, he does seem interested in some ways.

I don't understand the mention of red flags?  Do you think there was a reason for that?

In time, we do come to see if someone is off or questionable.

IF he's seeming a little more distant lately, maybe this is a new side to him.  For reason's, will probably surface soon enough.  ( If he's got anxiety etc, wouldn't that cause him to not be all over you?).  

And you keep mentioning no dates.  if this is what you prefer over constant hook ups, then maybe tell him you want to slow all that down a little and have some actual dates, so you can maybe see how he is in other circumstances.

Or what is it YOU want in this?  Are you actually ready to get involved again?  As it sounds, you got out of a long term not long before you got into something with him...

 

 

Edited by SooSad33
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He may have sensed you weren’t looking for anything serious, as you yourself said. You both sound young so be patient with one another. 

I think he likes you. He doesn’t know whether you’ll play him or toss him aside as soon as you find someone else.

It seems you like the attention from him but you haven’t said anything about how you feel about him. You also laughed him off when he tried to engage with you about attention from other men. This is generally an immature/insecure comment but he’s probably young so I’d let that slide. What he’s gauging in a bumbling way is whether you’re available to date.

Aside from snap chats and stay overs what is he to you? 

If he still blows hot /cold or doesn’t seem interested in dating after you’ve shown more interest, let this go. 

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Step back from snap chatting all day everyday. You're not penpals.

It's unclear what you mean by all the sleepovers but no "dates".

Are you dating or not? There seems to be a communication problem if your and his friends need to convey messages and interfere.

Ask point blank if you are FWB, hooking up or dating exclusively.

 

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9 hours ago, kar0941 said:

While we were going to bed he joked around that he doesn’t get a lot of girls and I probably get a lot of guys. I was drunk so kinda just laughed it off and didn’t continue the conversation.

Why don't you re-open the subject and tell him that you're not seeing anyone else?

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Since you're comfortable enough with him to share a bed and hook up then simply ask him with no apologies or long dramatic monologue "what are your intentions towards me?"  If he wants to be with you he'll be delighted you asked and if it's clear to him it might take him one sentence or less to tell you he wants to be with you. 

Obviously you are interested in something serious with him or you wouldn't be posting here.  I'd avoid any more talk with his friends or what they think -he is the only person with the relevant information.  He doesn't need to be pushed to share a bed with you and hang out with you -why in the world would he need to be pushed to be your boyfriend? He already knows you are interested in him. 

It doesn't matter if it's his first relationship -at least that's what his friend thinks (his friend might not know if this person has been in previous relationships) - a person who knows they want to be with another person wants that person to know -don't you think otherwise he'd be worried some other guy might snap you up?

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9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Well, he does seem interested in some ways.

I don't understand the mention of red flags?  Do you think there was a reason for that?

In time, we do come to see if someone is off or questionable.

IF he's seeming a little more distant lately, maybe this is a new side to him.  For reason's, will probably surface soon enough.  ( If he's got anxiety etc, wouldn't that cause him to not be all over you?).  

And you keep mentioning no dates.  if this is what you prefer over constant hook ups, then maybe tell him you want to slow all that down a little and have some actual dates, so you can maybe see how he is in other circumstances.

Or what is it YOU want in this?  Are you actually ready to get involved again?  As it sounds, you got out of a long term not long before you got into something with him...

 

 

So I think the red flags things was his was of asking our friend if I was interested. You ask good questions, I have been asking myself the same stuff which I guess is the biggest problem, I’m not really sure what I want. I wasn’t looking for anything serious but now that we’ve been hooking up and talking for a while I think I’ve obviously caught feelings, but still confused on what I want, which is why I’ve been reluctant to have a more serious convo with him. 

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Why don't you re-open the subject and tell him that you're not seeing anyone else?

I was going to do that this week but he became a little distant and different after he left the morning after so I haven’t been able to bring it up again yet. 

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

He may have sensed you weren’t looking for anything serious, as you yourself said. You both sound young so be patient with one another. 

I think he likes you. He doesn’t know whether you’ll play him or toss him aside as soon as you find someone else.

It seems you like the attention from him but you haven’t said anything about how you feel about him. You also laughed him off when he tried to engage with you about attention from other men. This is generally an immature/insecure comment but he’s probably young so I’d let that slide. What he’s gauging in a bumbling way is whether you’re available to date.

Aside from snap chats and stay overs what is he to you? 

If he still blows hot /cold or doesn’t seem interested in dating after you’ve shown more interest, let this go. 

That’s a good point. I think I’m confused on what I want also because we were friends when we started hooking up and I wasn’t looking for anything serious which he might have picked up on so I didn’t think twice about it but now that we’ve been talking and hanging out for a few months now I have feelings but I don’t know 100% what I want. I don’t like the inconsistency though. 

I’m just nervous about saying something or showing a lot more interest because we are in a bigger friend group so I don’t want things to get weird. 

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28 minutes ago, kar0941 said:

That’s a good point. I think I’m confused on what I want also because we were friends when we started hooking up and I wasn’t looking for anything serious which he might have picked up on so I didn’t think twice about it but now that we’ve been talking and hanging out for a few months now I have feelings but I don’t know 100% what I want. I don’t like the inconsistency though. 

I’m just nervous about saying something or showing a lot more interest because we are in a bigger friend group so I don’t want things to get weird. 

If you’re not sure, then leave it alone. There’s no point muddying waters without clear intentions. Don’t keep texting or pursuing him if he seems distant. Let him be the one to come to you.

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53 minutes ago, kar0941 said:

I don’t know 100% what I want. I don’t like the inconsistency though. 

As long as you are unclear on what you want, why not just keep it casual hooking up/FWB?

You're driving this through overnight invites, sex and snapchatting all day, so decide what you want.

He may be getting tired of your mixed signals and is deciding to step back from your confusing actions.

Edited by Wiseman2
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The big hint is what his friends are saying and asking. The dude has almost zero experience due to his anxiety/insecurity. He doesn't have a clue how to read a women and is a chicken when it comes to communicating how he really feels. So if you are keen on taking this to the next level, you have to sort of take the lead on that. Contact him and have a conversation.

What I see in you is holding your feelings down because he hasn't really shown you what he wants...the uncertainty is bugging you too. I call it the Mexican stand off. You both are waiting to see who is going to make the next move.

Edited by smackie9
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2 hours ago, kar0941 said:

That’s a good point. I think I’m confused on what I want also because we were friends when we started hooking up and I wasn’t looking for anything serious which he might have picked up on so I didn’t think twice about it but now that we’ve been talking and hanging out for a few months now I have feelings but I don’t know 100% what I want. I don’t like the inconsistency though. 

To me, it sounds like you're both kind of uncertain at this point.  Then maybe YOU should take a step back and figure yourself out?

Worst thing to do is sit in limbo, due to confusion & uncertainties. Don't lead someone one if you're not all in it.

You've had some involvement with this guy you know you do like and have gotten together a few times now.

And now you feel he's kind stepping back some? Is normal usually to have things ease off a bit ( after the honeymoon phase, which is usually about 3-6 months).

So, is maybe time to think on all of this.  Are YOU truly interested in continuing this? Or getting more serious?  Then is maybe time to speak up and get it dealt with.

What is it that's affecting you?  He's not reaching out so much?  Do you wait on him to do this, or do you reach out sometimes too?

 

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I think him posing the question about whether you are dating or receiving attention from others was his way of opening the door for a conversation regarding which direction this friendship is going.  At the very least he was fishing. You laughing it off might have been off putting for him.  I get that wasn't your intention.

It's clear he's inexperienced and insecure and from what I read he's in the same place you are.  Catching feelings and becoming attached.  

You are right in considering whether crossing that line with him might make things a little messy within your group of friends.  But even at this point, that's already bound to happen.

I like a previous mention of you two having a talk, dialing things back some and actually going out on dates to see if there is something here with pursuing.

Edited by reinventmyself
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In deciding what your intentions are with this person please don't tell yourself you "caught feelings" - you chose to hook up with this person and get to know him.  You chose to keep interacting with him knowing you don't know where you stand.  Of course it's normal to now feel emotions about this person.  You didn't catch anything - it's not like catching a disease -you chose to react to your feelings about him and you chose to keep interacting with him.  I don't think you're "confused" - you're very clear on wanting to hang out and hook up.  You're not clear on his intentions because you chose not to ask.  

So it's a risk benefit analysis -is the benefit of potentially choosing to be exclusive with this person and getting to know each other better -each other's families perhaps- worth the risks of him not wanting the same with you and potentially not wanting to hook up anymore because it might be too awkward.  Think this through rather then telling yourself you passively caught feelings and are now "confused".

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I think before you do anything, you need to answer two questions for yourself:

1) What do you actually want?

2) Do you really want this guy, like is he really your type of person?

Unfortunately, it sounds to me like you aren't ready for anything and he just kind of washed up on your shores and is just kind of there and you've just kind of gotten used to him. All extremely passive type stuff. Maybe an even better question would be, if you were looking to date, would you choose this guy as a partner or seek someone different? Is his passive, insecure, poor communication, won't step up kind of a personality working for you overall or just comfortable for now?

I'd pay particular attention to that very passive aggressive kind of a comment he made. The comment itself can be written off as just inexperienced and clumsy. However, the way he is distancing and sort sulking when you didn't read his mind and respond as he wanted you to, says something not so good about his character. Passive aggressive, insecure people are notoriously difficult to deal with and aren't actually nice. Especially difficult if you are a direct and straightforward kind of a person where reading between the lines and looking for hidden meanings and intentions is not how your brain works.

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

To me, it sounds like you're both kind of uncertain at this point.  Then maybe YOU should take a step back and figure yourself out?

Worst thing to do is sit in limbo, due to confusion & uncertainties. Don't lead someone one if you're not all in it.

You've had some involvement with this guy you know you do like and have gotten together a few times now.

And now you feel he's kind stepping back some? Is normal usually to have things ease off a bit ( after the honeymoon phase, which is usually about 3-6 months).

So, is maybe time to think on all of this.  Are YOU truly interested in continuing this? Or getting more serious?  Then is maybe time to speak up and get it dealt with.

What is it that's affecting you?  He's not reaching out so much?  Do you wait on him to do this, or do you reach out sometimes too?

 

Yes I do need to figure out what I want in all of this before saying anything. But yes, what’s affecting me most is just that it seems there’s a change from him in terms of talking, less reaching out/answering than what it has been for the past few months and nothing really happened to cause it. I do reach out  as well! 

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1 hour ago, kar0941 said:

Yes I do need to figure out what I want in all of this before saying anything.  it seems there’s a change from him in terms of talking, less reaching out/answering than what it has been for the past few months.

Maybe he's reflecting on this as well?

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1 hour ago, kar0941 said:

Yes I do need to figure out what I want in all of this before saying anything. But yes, what’s affecting me most is just that it seems there’s a change from him in terms of talking, less reaching out/answering than what it has been for the past few months and nothing really happened to cause it. I do reach out  as well! 

So are you confused because he seems to be not as into you and now you want him more than you did when he was wanting to hang out ?

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I think that, due to his inexperience, it was more up to you how you will handle this. And you chose casual hook ups. But now that he is colder you actually miss him. People(especially without previous experience) learn more on trial-error basis. He learned from you that he has to shoot few messages, show up over weekend and stay a night. Which is OK if you both just want that. But not if you want something serious. Now its maybe late for course correction. You got him used to casual. So he acts casual. He doesnt have to be invested into talking to you when all you do is hook ups. If you want something more you will have to have a serious talk. And change patterns where you will actually have to be a couple. 

Edited by Kwothe28
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