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Ending a relationship with narcissist living in his house


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Hey everyone 

Im in a relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years and have lived in his house for 2 years.

between lockdowns because of covid and our incompatibilities discovered through living together the past 2 years has been a really toxic environment.  He has a bad temper when challenged and doesn’t communicate well. I’ve had things thrown at me and my things piled up or the threat of my things being left on the doorstep if I leave the house to escape the toxic environment for walk etc.  After each time he acts like that he will tell me not to be so stupid and he was only joking or said it in anger. 
nevertheless, I’ve spent 18 months feeling unsettled. 
 

12 months ago I discovered he had been texting / messaging other girls. He follows hundreds of local girls on social media. Despite not getting much of an apology or remorse I stayed, however started saving money secretly as I knew I wasn’t happy but had nowhere to go.

Although I feel bad about sticking around knowing my secret, I feel I needed to look out for myself. Things over Christmas were bad, awkward, him in a funny mood. I Have also discovered he’s re-followed some of the girls who he messaged last year(who he deleted when I found out).  I’ve not yet challenged him on this yet.

I’ve found a property and had my mortgage accepted etc however its in a chain and im  awaiting a date to move in Which I have chased today. 

my problem is I know he is trying to keep me here and helping pay his bills so puts on a front that he wants to work things out (despite whatever he’s doing behind my back!). I know when he gets home this evening he will try having a debate or argument with me pointing out how difficult I am and how unloving I am towards him; he really pins all of his faults on me and a simple conversation he twists into something so far from the original point i can’t keep up! 

mentally I’m exhausted and it’s taking a toll on my work (no motivation and just sat staring into space) I feel like im Just existing. 
 

I’ve come this far and im struggling to grin and bare it.  I can’t afford to rent anywhere as this would eat into my house deposit. I don’t have anyone who has spare room in their house. 
 

really need some kind of motivation or words of wisdom if anyone else has been through similar. 
thank you 🙏 

 

 

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Since you are already on a firm path out and just need to last out this last mile, the advice is both simple and difficult to execute in practice. You've got to learn to adopt the grey rock approach (google it). Basically what it means that you have to learn to stop reacting to him no matter what he says or how he tries to provoke you.

He is following other girls again? Good. That takes his focus off you and you are leaving him, right? So you don't pick that argument. 

He tells you that you are worthless or whatever other put down - do not defend yourself at all. Say something like "sorry you feel that way" and walk away or simply reply with "OK" and walk away. Do not engage. It doesn't mean that he'll quit instantly. He might the first time because he is shocked at your lack of response, but then he will up the stakes and get more persistent with it. That's where being the grey rock gets hard, but if you want to preserve your sanity, you must learn to resist responding/reacting to him at all. Be boring. Smile and nod. Forget having any kind of conversations with him, simple or otherwise.

If you absolutely must interact with him, make it about him and his self interest rather than your needs. If it's about your needs, he will deny you just because. If you frame it about him and his self interest, he will be on board with that.

Again, forget normalcy with a person like that. They are not normal, their brain is wired completely differently from yours, they will never ever be normal or have normal responses. 

When it comes to money, do not allow financial abuse. His bills are not your problem. Stop being interesting or of use to him in any way so he discards you and lets you go in peace.

 

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11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Since you are already on a firm path out and just need to last out this last mile, the advice is both simple and difficult to execute in practice. You've got to learn to adopt the grey rock approach (google it). Basically what it means that you have to learn to stop reacting to him no matter what he says or how he tries to provoke you.

He is following other girls again? Good. That takes his focus off you and you are leaving him, right? So you don't pick that argument. 

He tells you that you are worthless or whatever other put down - do not defend yourself at all. Say something like "sorry you feel that way" and walk away or simply reply with "OK" and walk away. Do not engage. It doesn't mean that he'll quit instantly. He might the first time because he is shocked at your lack of response, but then he will up the stakes and get more persistent with it. That's where being the grey rock gets hard, but if you want to preserve your sanity, you must learn to resist responding/reacting to him at all. Be boring. Smile and nod. Forget having any kind of conversations with him, simple or otherwise.

If you absolutely must interact with him, make it about him and his self interest rather than your needs. If it's about your needs, he will deny you just because. If you frame it about him and his self interest, he will be on board with that.

Again, forget normalcy with a person like that. They are not normal, their brain is wired completely differently from yours, they will never ever be normal or have normal responses. 

When it comes to money, do not allow financial abuse. His bills are not your problem. Stop being interesting or of use to him in any way so he discards you and lets you go in peace.

 

Thank you for the reply - it has really helped get things back into perspective. I’ve not heard of the grey rock approach so will google it now.

Thank you again 🙏

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Was about to add the same as @Jibralta Start rounding up all your important documents and get them out of the house and yes, be sure he doesn't know/doesn't notice. Also, anything else of sentimental value to you.

Also, do have an emergency plan to leave asap if you need to regardless of house being ready or not.

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3 hours ago, Snowdays said:

he really pins all of his faults on me and a simple conversation he twists into something so far from the original point i can’t keep up! 

Gaslighting. Very common for narcissist. 

What do you mean "eat into your house deposits"? I can tell you that its far more detrimental for your mental health to endure narcissistic behavior of somebody like that. He already gets you to question your own sanity. So, just get out of there as fast as you can and rent a room. Waiting out there until you collect more money for house deposits, while paying half of his bills while he destroys your mental health, isnt really a worthy investment. 

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Thank you for the further replies. 
 

great minds think alike! I have been slowly moving things I think are unnoticeable, personal documents etc as well as seasonal things that he wouldn’t notice but are large and would take time; I have rented a very cheap small storage unit.

Totally understand what @Kwothe28 you are saying about my mental health Vs the deposit, it’s hard as I have just enough saved for my down payment on the mortgage which if it becomes available in the next few weeks I will need the money. I’m hoping my solicitor comes back with good news tomorrow - I think if the wait for the property is uncertain or more than 6 weeks I will need to try and make other plans for an air b&b or something very temporary. 
 

i have since spoken to a friend who may have a spare room soon and also another with a box room that could be of help.

I’ve avoided any conversation and stuck to basics since he came home, I’ve watched some YouTube videos on the grey rock approach also which has helped with tonight.

thank you all so much again; it’s been very helpful having other options.  

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YES...I lived like this, so, I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from.

Do you have your own car?  One thing I ALWAYS made sure to have was my car keys on me. Having your items THROWN at you is assault...be aware that it CAN escalate.  WHEN he gets angry and starts yelling, please have your keys on you and a way out.  (This advise was given by me by my therapist.)

Having your personal property piled up and threatening to leave them at the door step is also abuse...mental abuse.  I was in a marriage that had a lot of similarities to this.  It's all about CONTROL...his ability to CONTROL YOU. 

JUST like you, I slowly moved things out he wouldn't miss.  This is NO way to live.  

I would ABSOLUTELY take your friend up on the room you can stay in.  Remember...the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves.  IF you can have a friend be there with you when you move your things out, that would be good.

Wishing you all the best...

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To add, I might pretend I'm sick with ongoing stomach problems until you leave, telling him you've made an appt. but they couldn't get in you in for two months. Maybe he won't bother you with discussions if he feels you're not well enough for an argument and if he does, you can clutch your stomach and rush to the bathroom. Gives you a good excuse if he expects intimacy before you have the chance to move out, and have you sleeping elsewhere that's not in bed with him.

Keeping your mind on the prize and thinking of how you'll decorate and start a new life might help. Take care and let us know how it goes.

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I'm so proud of you for getting this far!  Don't lose hope! 

Can you contact a women's shelter or crisis hot line? Maybe they can help you find temporary housing. 

And I agree with a lot of the above.  Play sick, be docile and quietly keep to your exit strategy.

When you are able to leave... can you do it while he is at work? If he doesn't leave for work, have the police come by. they'll just be there while you leave, if you're scared he might try to stop you. 

As much as I understand you have your plan... Remember material things can be replaced.  if you can find another place to go, I say GO NOW.

 

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When you are ready to dash, do it when he is gone for the day. Don't let him see you packing, don't tell him you are leaving, nothing. Make sure you have an army of friends to come in and grab everything within mins. Get a new phone number, warn everyone to either play stupid or not answer his calls. If you are working have a talk with your supervisor or boss....if he shows up at your workplace, to have him removed/call police.

Now I understand everyone is telling you to change your interaction with him. Be careful on this....he's gonna know something is up and be even more paranoid.

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